


Holiday Secrets

by mafkaast



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 2011 louis, 2015 Harry, Angst, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Family Secrets, Fluff, Holidays, Insecure Louis, M/M, Pining, Secrets, Shy Louis, The Tomlinson Twins, Twink Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-31
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2018-03-09 18:39:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 88,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3260225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mafkaast/pseuds/mafkaast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Styles, a charming, kind and family-oriented lad, is in his second year of University, studying abroad in the United States.<br/>When Harry can’t afford to go home for Christmas, his roommate William Tomlinson takes him along to his family. William rarely talks about or visits his own family and seems very private about his twin brother Louis.<br/>Immediately upon meeting William’s large, loud family, Harry is intrigued with Louis. He is alluring yet awfully shy and secretive.<br/>And even when they grow closer to each other, Louis continues to remain somewhat frightened and distant. What is Louis hiding, what is his secret?</p><p> <br/>---</p><p>Don't copy, repost or translate this story!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Trying to ignore the loud footsteps and voices of students walking past his room, Harry shakes his head once more while he tries to convince his mother, and himself, that it’s alright. “No mum, it’s okay.” 

“But-,”

“No I’m serious,” Harry exclaims, lifting his head and tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear. “I don’t want you to pay!”

“Are you really sure?”

“Yes mum, I’m really sure. I have to go to class in a bit okay?”

“Alright,” she reluctantly agrees.

The uncertainty in her tone makes his heart sink. Holding his phone tightly, he clamps his teeth over his bottom lip, fighting to get control over his shaky body. “It’s okay mum,” he reassures her in a calm voice, brushing off the tightness in his chest. “I’ll talk to you soon. Bye!”

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Harry replies and quickly hangs up his phone before his mother could ask him again is he is really sure that he doesn’t want her to pay for his trip back home. If she would ask him again, his aching heart might win it from his common sense. He misses his mum and sister terribly and feels absolutely gutted that he won’t be seeing them this Christmas break. He has always seen them as so much more than simply his blood-related family. They are his true family, the ones that he can built on.

Sitting up straight, Harry takes a deep inhale and focuses on getting ready for his lectures. Putting his phone away, in case he gets tempted to check his messages, he grabs his notebook. Harry doesn’t look up as he hears someone entering the room, since it’s most likely his roommate William coming back from the shower. 

After he has gathered his stuff for his lecture, he quickly looks up and notices his roommate, hurriedly putting on some casual jeans and a shirt. 

“Can you wait a sec?” William asks as he looks over at Harry with an apologetic face. 

“Alright,” he nods. After more than a year of sharing a dorm room together, this isn’t the first and won’t be the last time that he has to wait for William. Sitting down on his bed again, he watches William who hastily ruffles his blondish hair and groans as he looks at himself in the small mirror. Shrugging, he grabs a beanie and puts it on. A small smirk escapes his thin lips, approving his appearance. 

“Have you seen my notebook?”

“No I haven’t. Try looking between your piles of dirty clothes,” Harry suggests with a playful grin. “Or maybe your bedbugs eat it.”

“Ha-ha,” William laughs cynical, pursing his lips, yet his eyes hold a certain light, showing Harry that he isn’t offended and is quite enjoying Harry’s jokes, even in the morning. 

They can tease and annoy each other but it’s always light-hearted and fun, just like William. He is an easy going guy with a fun loving nature and a twinkle of mischief in his eyes. He might not be the most organized at times, especially in the early mornings, but he has a good heart. William is a funny, loyal, and for some surprisingly, smart guy. Within a couple of weeks they became very good friends. Harry knows that William will always be there for him, and vice versa. As a matter of fact, Harry feels as if he has gained a brother.

Harry is particularly grateful for his friendship because after he decided to study abroad and moved to California, he wasn’t in a good place. Harry wanted nothing more than to return home to England, where he belonged and was needed. 

Aside from feeling homesick, guilty and grief-stricken, he felt out of place with his posh English accent and slightly controversial appearance in Berkeley. He’s heard a few whispers and numerous side-glances as he wore his characteristic outfit; a colourful wide blouse with artsy print (three buttons undone to reveal part of his tattooed chest), black skinny jeans and brown suede boots, accessorized with several rings and bracelets. The disapproving looks of some of his fellow students made him feel quite unsure, but it did not stop him from wearing his leopard-print jacket, bright red boots or even his floral-print suit. It took him years to feel comfortable in his own skin, he wasn’t going to let a small group of students change that. 

Thankfully, it all changed for the better when he met his roommate William in the second week he moved to the dorms of the University of California, Berkeley. They immediately hit it off, largely thanks to William’s vibrant personality. Since then he had only gained friends, including a group of total awesome self-proclaimed musicians named Niall, Luke and Josh.  
Gradually, the ache in his heart –

“Hey dreamboy? Are you finally ready?” William asks as he shoots him a smile, holding a pen and his notebook in his hand. 

A small, yet genuine smile escapes his lips as he follows William towards their faculty building. They both study in the Business & Social Sciences area of UC Berkeley. However, William studies Economics and Harry studies Law. Obviously, Economics is far more productive as William likes to point out. 

Unfortunately, Harry’s mind quickly wanders back to his conversation with his mother. He could hear the disappointment in her voice, which she tried to hide to her best abilities. But Harry knows that tone, has heard it before.

“Are you alright?” 

Quickly turning his head to the left, Harry shrugs. “Yeah.”

“You sure mate? You seem a bit down.”

Walking past numerous students, he gives William a dismissive hand gesture, hoping to convey that all is fine. “I’m good.”

William stops moving when they walk towards a quieter hall. “Then why do you have such a sour face?”

Bugger. Why does Harry have such an expressive face? He gazes at William, who is waiting patiently for Harry to answer, folding his arms over his chest. His posture and the look on his face do not indicate in any way that he is almost late for his lecture. 

“Oh I just talked to eh- my mum,” Harry admits belatedly, ignoring the sting in his stomach as he thinks about his family. “I’m not going to England this Christmas.”

“Why not? It’s Christmas…”

William definitely isn’t the biggest family guy in the world. He barely talks about them, let alone talk to them. Whenever Harry asks about his family, William gives him vague, curt answers. William gets especially secretive, and always tries to change the subject, when Harry asks about his twin brother Louis. Every now and then he calls his mum (or rather, she calls him) or he chats with one of his many sisters. 

His family lives roughly 3 hours away from University, but he only visits them once in a blue moon; at family obligations. The exception of this rule is Christmas. He always goes home for the holidays, to celebrate Christmas and more importantly to celebrate his and his brother’s birthday on Christmas’ eve.

It doesn’t seem like he despises his family, because the very few occasions that he tells Harry a story about his childhood or his family, he looks genuinely happy. Still, he rather spends his free time with his girlfriend and his friends.

“Why not?” William repeats with a hint of sympathy in his voice. He knows how important family is to Harry. In comparison, Harry has told countless stories about his mother and his sister Gemma and speaks to them regularly. Especially the bond that he has with his sister is extraordinary. Gemma is his partner in crime. They always helped each other and stood by each other, aside from the occasional brother-sister fights. They even had a secret language and they tend to think quite similar or say similar stuff at the same time. 

“I really wanted to go, but I don’t have enough money to go back. My mother insisted that she’ll pay for my ticket, but I know that she doesn’t have a lot of money. I don’t want her to pay my ticket knowing she has to watch every penny.”

He hated how he wasn’t there to support his mum when she needed it the most. He hated that his sister needed to take care of her all by herself, because Harry left. 

William puts a hand on his shoulder, giving him an empathetic look. “I’m sorry bro.”

Harry swallows a lump in his throat, combing his fingers through his hair. “It’s okay,” Harry says with a distinct edge to his voice. “I’ll get a job on the side and when I have enough money, I’ll visit them.”

“Absolutely,” William agrees, nodding excessively. “But you can’t be alone with Christmas mate and since it’s my birthday and all, I expect you to go home with me! What do you say big guy?” Folding his arm over Harry’s neck, they continue to walk in a slow pace.

A chuckle escapes Harry’s lips. “Yeah alright thanks, that sounds like fun.” He gives William an appreciative smile, thankful that he has such a great friend. 

“Of course!” he exclaims, a mischievous smile on his face. “Trust me, I’ll make it fun.”

“I bet. Besides, I’m really curious to meet your family.”

William stiffens in apprehension, his smile falters. “Yeah, I know,” his voice trails off as he turns his head. 

Harry doesn’t want to ruin this moment, so he decides to leave it. And although Harry honestly doesn’t understand why William doesn’t like to talk about them, he is very grateful that he has somewhere to go for Christmas break. “I guess we should go before they shut the doors of the lecture halls.”

\----------

“Girls,” William sighs dramatically, rummaging through the back pockets of his trousers. “I really don’t fucking understand them.” He takes out a piece of bubble gym, puts it in his mouth and begins chewing frantically. 

Niall agrees eagerly. “Same! At first it is like ‘why can’t you do something romantic for once?’ and when I finally buy her flowers she yells at me because I was glancing at some girls’ boobs!”

The group bursts out in laughter at Niall’s naivety, loud enough that other students at the Free Speech Café turn their heads. 

“Of course she’s mad!” Harry chuckles amused, shaking his head incredulously before taking a sip of his tea.

“Well I did buy her flowers.”

Luke’s long, thin right arm reaches over to Niall’s shoulder, squeezing lightly. “Oh my dear Niall, still learning how to treat the ladies?”

Raising an eyebrow, he tilts his pale, round face and smirks. “At least I have a girlfriend.”

Luke growls in response, mumbling incoherent. He is probably muttering some death threats at Niall, but it’s all just banter. They always make fun of each other. It’s simply part of the groups’ vibe.

“I think it’s a wise decision Luke,” Josh chimes in, absently drumming his fingers on the table. “You don’t want to be stuck with only one woman when there is a whole world to explore.” 

“Okay, true. Having a girlfriend takes a lot of time,” William points out as he emphasizes on ‘a lot’, “But also has lots of benefits.”

“What benefits?” Harry has never had a serious relationship. Sure, he had flings and crushes, but they never did last. Occasionally he wonders if he’s ever been in love because it never quite felt as amazing as he always thought love would feel. The few ‘relationships’ he’s been in were exciting and hot, but something was missing. Harry never felt a real connection with any of those girls, never even imagined or intended to stay with them for a longer period of time. He hasn’t found that special girl, that girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He is still waiting for her and he isn’t even sure if it will ever happen. 

“Okay well obviously, the sex is so much better.”

Sadly, Harry caught William and his girlfriend Holland once during sex and has tried to erase it from his memory ever since. However, it wouldn’t surprise him if William does have great sex with his girlfriend, since she is one of the most stunning girls Harry has ever seen. Holland is the girl that Harry as a slight crush on. She is the girl that made Harry into a stuttering mess and a timid boy because of her golden red silky hair, her ivory skin and her luscious, thick red lips. Niall is the only one of his group of friends who knows about his little crush. He saw it the moment Harry laid eyes on her and failed miserably in having a normal conversation. Thankfully, after a short while, he could handle himself a lot better.

“I don’t have to go to the trouble to get a girl in my bed. We can just have sex whenever we want to,” William continues, elbowing Harry in the side to regain his attention. 

“What?” Josh shakes his head. “I don’t agree, getting the same pussy again, and again. It must be boring.”

“Got to agree with Will on this one,” Niall states in a serious tone. “Kirsten and I have been together for uh- 7 months now and you get to discover what the other person likes, what you want. You start to experiment and it’s awesome.”

Luke and Josh try to keep a straight face but fail and simultaneously bark out a loud laugh. Harry chuckles endeared at Niall’s words. 

“Sometimes you are so full of crap Niall! How come Emma doesn’t see you as romantic? You are practically a girl!” Luke says between tears of laughter.

Niall pouts. “Am not!” But he quickly starts laughing along. 

It’s a typical conversation between the boys. Most of the time, when they aren’t talking about music or sports, it’s about girls. Harry enjoys these casual chats, because it is a nice escape from thinking about his study, finding a job or his family. 

“By the way, the party on New Year’s Eve is still on right?”

“Yes!” They all answer in unison, looking equally excited as William. 

“Great and this year Harry can help me with the preparations.”

Niall puts his glass back at the table, tilts his head and gives them a curious look. “Are you staying at his house?”

The corners of Harry’s mouth turn upward and his eyes sparkle with pleasure. “Yup, I can’t seem to get rid of this snoring idiot.”

“Hey!”

“Obviously, I’m very thankful.”

“For the snoring?” Josh asks in a sarcastic tone, face radiant with good cheer.

“For the snoring.” 

Although Harry would much rather spend the holidays in England with his mum and sister, he is grateful that William invited him and he is excited to meet his family. Maybe he will finally understand why William is so secretive about them.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry and William are in William’s car, on their way to the Tomlinson’s family home. It’s safe to say that Harry is rather nervous. He will stay at the Tomlinson’s household for two weeks with people he doesn’t know (aside from the small amount of basic information William provided over the years and repeated on this car ride). 

William’s family is huge, he has seven siblings. Harry can’t even imagine why a woman wants to have so many children.

First of all purely because of the fact that she had to carry all those babies in her belly for nine months. And even worse, needed to give birth to eight children! Harry once had seen a movie about the delivery of birth and, politely put, it wasn’t a sight to behold. It looked awful and painful. Harry suddenly felt a lot of sympathy for woman, yet at the same time felt appalled by the vagina. At that moment he had never been more pleased with being a male.

Secondly, to have a household with so many children running around sounds absolutely exhausting. Harry only has one older sister and overall it was a calm and quiet home.

William’s family house is probably (which Harry figures from William’s brief information and the occasional phone calls he makes) the complete opposite, making him feel a teensy bit anxious.

Harry swallows, squirming in his seat as he tries to remember all their names in the correct order. “Okay, first of all you have a twin brother named Louis. You are the oldest. After that there is Charlotte right?” 

William nods while keeping his eyes on the road. “Yup, but we call her Lottie.”

“After Charlotte, you got another sister named Felicité. Then your mother got twins; Phoebe and Daisy. And the newest addition to your family is another set of twins named Ernest and - I don’t know.”

“I don’t know is quite an interesting name,” William chuckles, quickly glancing in Harry’s direction. “It’s Doris. And only Ernest and Doris are from my latest stepfather Dan. But honestly, they don’t expect you to know all of this.”

Harry doesn’t have a lot of experience with big families but he really wants to make a good first expression. Harry is genuinely nice to people, but he also has a certain need for people to like him. Especially people he will stay with for two weeks, which makes it a whole different kind of story. William’s family might like him and his goofy smile, resulting in two very pleasant weeks. Or they will hate his guts and his long hair and it will be the most awkward break he has ever had. Merely by the thought alone of them hating him he feels a lump in his throat, nervously fidgeting with his hands. 

“I know,” Harry agrees eventually. “I just really want to make a good first expression.” 

“Don’t worry Harry, I’m absolutely certain they are going to like you,” William reassures him in a calm yet serious tone.

“All of them?” Harry asks jokingly.

William laughs. “Yes all of them.”

The corners of Harry’s mouth turn up, he feels slightly more at ease thanks to William’s comforting words. Yes, they will probably like him. After all, he and William hit it off right away. And even though he doesn’t have a ton of experience with kids, he wants to believe that he is pretty good with them. His sister calls him the perfect mixture between goofy, sweet and charming.

“It’s all going to be okay,” Harry whispers to himself, before he drifts off to take a small nap. 

-

“Wake up, we’re here.” William gives Harry a not-so-gentle nudge on the shoulder. 

Stirring awake, Harry blinks his eyes several times and slowly starts to focus on his surroundings. Yawning loudly, he stretches his arms and looks outside the window to the Tomlinson’s house. He completely missed entering Redding, William’s home town. 

“Welcome I guess,” William mumbles with a small frown while biting his lip, not quite meeting Harry’s eyes. He fumbles with his car keys and releases a trembling sigh before he quickly gets out of the car. 

Harry’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise as he gets out of the car and follows William. Harry has seen many sides of William in the last few years. Most of the time he will see an energetic, happy guy or after a study day a slightly more moody guy. He has also seen him quite angry whenever something unfair happened and he has even seen his sad, vulnerable side on a few occasions. However, he has never witnessed this nervous side of William. Normally William oozes confidence, but right now as he takes the suitcases and walks up to the front door with hesitant steps, he looks anything but.

Harry doesn’t notices his own dry mouth or feels his stomach clenching with nerves as he’s completely taken aback by William’s odd behaviour. Shaking his head, he follows William suit and takes a glance at the house. This house doesn’t look like the typical American family house you see on television. It doesn’t have white picket fences or a mailbox shaped in the form of their house. Honestly, it looks rather small for such a big family, but also very cosy and warm thanks to the colourful walls and the garden full of flowers and garden statues.

Rubbing the back of his neck, William rings the doorbell and within a few seconds a beautiful, short woman opens the door. With quite some disbelief, Harry stares at her. This must be William’s mother, Johannah, the woman who carried eight kids and still looks so vibrant and young.

Johannah smiles brightly at her son, eyes crinkle mirthfully. She steps forward and embraces him in a tight hug. William bends to return her hug; his rigid muscles finally start to relax. He gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek before he walks inside with the suitcases. 

Johannah turns her attention towards Harry. “You must be Harry.”

“Yes, I’m Harry,” he introduces himself with a small smile and shaking her hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Johannah. Thank you for letting me stay at your beautiful home.”

“No problem Harry, but please call me Jay.”

Her voice sounds very welcoming and warm and somehow it reminds Harry of his own mother. Thinking of her, he wishes he could just hug her for a moment. 

“Alright, thank you Jay,” he belatedly answers. 

“Come inside, please.”

\- 

“Okay guys, that is enough interrogation for now,” William interrupts with a chuckle, before he turns his attention towards Harry. “And I can show you around the town for a bit?”

From the minute Harry set foot in this house, the twins Phoebe and Daisy chatted on about different stuff to Harry while Jay and Charlotte asked him loads of questions and Dan occasionally quipped in with some witty remarks when he wasn’t too busy with the newborn twins. 

Charlotte twists a lock of her silver hair around a finger and lifts her right shoulder in a casual shrug. “We were just curious. You never bring your college friends over.”

Blowing a gush of air through pursed lips, he shakes his head and turns his gaze towards his sister. “Well as a matter of fact, all my college friends will be here for a New Year’s Eve party.”

Lottie rolls her eyes at him. “When we aren’t even here!” she exclaims, and under her breath mutters, “because apparently I’m too young to stay in my own house.”

“Well that isn’t my fault,” William says defensively, crossing his arms.

Lottie crosses her arms, mimicking William’s defensive stance. “I never said it was!”

“Okay enough about New Year’s Eve,” Jay interrupts them. “Phoebe, Daisy, do you want to show Harry around the house for a bit? Give him a tour?”

The girls instantly resume their attention towards ‘the grown ups’. “YES, YES!” they chant at the same time. 

Daisy jumps up and down in excitement. She takes Harry’s hand and practically drags him out of his chair. He quickly places his cup of tea on the table and follows the girls out of the kitchen. “I will see you guys later.” 

“First we will show the Christmas tree!”

“We helped set it up,” Phoebe adds proudly.

A giggle escapes Harry’s mouth as the twins cheerfully drag him towards the tree. They show him every single ball and other Christmas decorations that they’ve put in the tree, before giving him a tour of the rest of the living room. They don’t leave out any details as they energetically bounce around the room. It’s quite exhausting, but Harry truly enjoys himself. He’s happy to see that the girls are comfortable around him when they have only met him an hour ago. 

Daisy runs upstairs and waits for Phoebe and Harry to catch up with her in the hallway. They walk towards the first room when Phoebe suddenly halts. Her bubbly expression falters as she stares at the closed door. Phoebe bites her under lip, turns her head from the door and looks up at Harry. “This is Louis’ room,” she explains in a more serious tone. “And he doesn’t like to have people in his room.”

“Is he in his room?”

Daisy softly shakes her head. “No I think he’s working.”

Harry gets a heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach as he notices the sadness in their voices and expression. Louis doesn’t want people in his room? Why not? What is in his room? Harry wants to ask them, but he doesn’t think it’s appropriate, especially not now.

“Okay, so why don’t we go to the next room?” Harry proposes, giving them a kind smile and briefly petting their hair in an effort to comfort them.

The girls nod and return the smile as they walk towards another room. 

“This is the room that Lottie always claims.” 

“Or Fizzy,” Daisy adds, her light brown eyes sparkle with joy and amusement.

The girls appear carefree again as they continue to show Harry around the house. William walks up towards them as the girls show William’s room. “Hey girls, can I steal Harry for a moment?”

“Noooo!” They shake their heads as they practically clutch at his legs. 

William and Harry laugh at their reaction.

Daisy let’s go of Harry leg and tries to jump on his back instead. “We want to do his hair!” she screams, bouncing hyperactively. 

“Yes, he has long hair for a boy!”

William chuckles at his little sisters, looking endeared, but he shakes his head nonetheless. “I’m going to show Harry around town for a bit.”

The girls pout at the exact same moment while a disappointed look appears in their eyes.   
Harry feels sorry for them. They were immediately very (very) welcoming to Harry and honestly he doesn’t want to disappoint them on his first day here. “You girls can do my hair. But after that, I really have to go with William, alright?”

They nod eagerly and quickly run out of the room, probably to grab stuff for Harry’s hair. Oh dear.

“You are in trouble man,” William laughs loudly. 

\----------

After the girls braided and put little bows and hairclips in Harry’s shoulder length, curly hair, William finally took Harry for a quick ride around his hometown before dinner. 

The girls looked very pleased with the result, so it was with much displeasure from the girls when Harry fixed his hair before going out. Harry is all for being different and controversial, pushing the gender boundaries, but this was a little bit too much. Especially since this is his first day at William’s hometown and he doesn’t want to completely embarrass him. People in London might not bat an eye at his appearance, but he doesn’t know how the people in Redding would react.

“I’m hungry!” Daisy yells, giving her infamous pout as she waits for dinner. 

Currently, they are sitting around the table as dinner is served by Dan. Jay is breast feeding the newborn twins in the living room and will join them soon. 

In the midst of all of the chaos and all the chatting, Harry doesn’t hear the front door opening. He does however notice how the kitchen door slowly opens. Looking up, Harry is faced with the sight of William’s twin brother Louis. A very small, inaudible, gasp leaves his mouth. 

Harry knew that William was an attractive lad, because honestly he’s not blind or incapable of noticing and admitting when a man is attractive, but that was it. He never thought or felt more about it than simply admitting a fact, Harry never felt physical attraction towards him. 

However, with Louis it’s a completely different story. Louis radiates pure and remarkable beauty with his overall appearance, his gorgeous, delicate face and his piercing blue eyes. 

Louis meets Harry eyes, his piercing blue eyes staring back at Harry for a small, silent moment before he almost immediately lowers his head in deep shyness, blushing. “Oh,” he breathes out, shifting from one foot to the other. 

William stands up and greets his brother by giving him a pat on his back before returning to his seat. “I’ve brought my friend and roommate Harry with me. He couldn’t go to his family in London, she he is staying here,” William explains in a strained voice, rubbing at his hands.

Harry tries to stop staring at Louis in an attempt to introduce himself without ogling like a creep. Standing up, he smooths his clothes to appear collected, being strongly aware of his own heartbeat.

“Hi I’m Harry,” he says in a low, smooth voice with a slow smile that builds as he reaches his hand out to Louis. 

In a rapid pace, Louis looks up at Harry before looking down at his hand. He reaches for it and shakes Harry’s hand. There is a slight tremble in his delicate hand. “Hey, I’m Louis,” he replies in a high-pitched and soft voice.

“Pleasure to meet you,” Harry responds politely, in his most posh-English accent. He shakes Louis’ hand for a longer time then necessary, remaining his firm eye contact even though Louis isn’t looking back at him.

After a while they break contact and move towards their seats at the table. Harry shifts his gaze from William to Louis and back. The resemblance between them is uncanny; their facial features are almost completely identical. They have the same slightly turned-up shape nose, large blue eyes with long eyelashes, thin light pink lips and a long, slender face. Yet, Louis’ blue eyes are lighter and he has more prominent cheekbones, were as William has a more defined jawline and protruding chin. 

However, their differences are most evident in their appearance. William has blonde hair, although Harry knew he dyed it, and mainly wears beanies. Whenever he does styles his hair he styles it into a messy quiff. He regularly has a few days’ stubble on his face and countless tattoos all over his body, making him look tougher than he actually is. William always wears a simple pair of jeans, a casual tank top and puts on sneakers. His overall demeanour is nonchalant and confident. 

Louis has an entirely different appearance; he has a gentle, timid and delicate demeanour. His caramel-brown hair is styled in a neat fringe, swept to the side. He’s wearing a red scoop neck sweater that compliments his tan skin. The sweater fits loosely over Louis’ tiny frame, slipping off his shoulder and exposing his thin, long neck and the sharp ridges of his collarbone. Harry finds it extremely appealing.

“So Harry, you also study economics?” 

Harry snaps out of his daydream and swallows thickly as he looks up at Dan, feeling rather ashamed by his inappropriate thoughts. He is a guest in this house. He shouldn’t be attracted to Louis, William’s twin brother for crying out loud!

Harry clears his throat before he answers, heart hammering in his chest. “Well,” he starts, his deep voice raising an octave, “we both study in the Business and Social Sciences area, but I chose law.”

Phoebe leans forward, a questioning look on her face. “What is law?” 

“Law is the study of rules that we have to follow, but when we violate those rules we get in trouble,” Harry tries to explain in his best abilities, but Phoebe already seems rather bored, dull eyes gazing at him. Harry is a particular slow talker and he never had to explain law to a young girl. “It’s not very interesting,” he ends his explanation and the family laughs.

Unintentionally his eyes drift off to Louis once again. There is a bemused smile on his face that quickly fades as his eyes connect with Harry’s. Louis quickly turns his head and turns his gaze at his food. 

Harry noticed that his eyes hold a certain grief, a pain that he, to a lesser extent, and on rare occasions notices in William’s blue eyes as well. What caused that pain?

-

Harry enjoys his dinner as he observes the family and frequently glances in Louis’s direction. Dinner with this family is madness, but extremely enjoyable. They talk through each other, loudly and incoherent. 

“Why? I’m 18 for fuck’s sake!”

“Language,” Jay warns Lottie, giving her a stern look. “And stop playing with the food girls!”

Lottie is arguing with her mother about a party she wants to go to, Phoebe and Daisy are performing a dinner show with their food instead of eating it and suddenly the sound of one of the newborns crying blasts out of the baby phone. 

However William is quieter than usual, mostly listing in on the several conversations and occasionally chatting with Harry. Felicité is mostly busy with her phone and Louis hasn’t said a word since he introduced himself to Harry. 

Is Louis extremely shy? Or is it something else? The others don’t seem to be bothered by it; does he always talk so little?

Harry really hopes that it isn’t because of him that Louis is so shy and uncomfortable. He hates it when people don’t like him, particular those that he is quite interested in. Somehow, after only one dinner, Harry is intrigued with Louis and wants to know more about him. 

“This dinner is amazing Jay. Thank you for letting me stay here, I’m truly grateful,” Harry proclaims in a slow, sincere tone of voice. 

William gives him a smack to his head. “You should be thanking me!”

Laying a hand on his heart, Harry turns his head and moves closer towards William. “Oh dear William,” he begins in a loud, dramatic voice, bowing down to William. “I’m most thankful, thank you King William for letting me stay at your beautiful castle.”

William sits up straight and tilts up his chin, a gleam in his eyes. “That’s alright dear servant.”

The girls burst out into a loud fit of laughter at their theatrical performance. 

Jay looks at them with a cheerful expression, eyes glinting with pleasure. She gives Harry a warm smile. “Harry, it’s a delight to have you here.”

He returns Jay’s smile. “Thank you.” 

There is still a small ache in his heart, the part that misses his own family, but he really enjoyed his first day. They welcomed him with love and open arms. Honestly, they couldn’t have been more kind. 

“I’m sorry that you couldn’t go home,” Louis says in a small voice.

It takes Harry completely by surprise to suddenly hear Louis’ mellow and very timid voice again. “Sorry?”

Louis looks up at Harry with wide eyes, his cheeks are bright red and he plays nervously with his fork. “I’m sorry you couldn’t go home.” 

It’s an absolute pleasure to hear Louis talk. His voice sounds so unique, just like his appearance. His voice is soft and high-pitched, yet has a roughness to it and he talks with a slight accent. Harry has never met anyone as attractive and intriguing. Not even Holland. 

Harry isn’t scared to admit that he thinks that Louis is absolutely gorgeous. He never particularly looked at a boy this way or felt attractive towards a boy, but he is a very open-minded guy. He doesn’t think it’s weird to admire another man’s beauty, some people are just striking. 

“Thank you, but it is okay I guess,” Harry replies in a warm voice, licking his lips with cautious hope. Right now, after the smallest of conversation with Louis, he really feels like it is okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this and want me to continue this story please tell me by leaving comments or kudos!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the people that left comments/kudos on this story!  
> I hope you guys like it and keep commenting, sharing, voting, etc.

Harry wakes up from a rather deep sleep; having slept for 6 hours straight. He softly yawns and stretches his muscles. 

Looking to his right Harry sees that William is still very fast asleep and softly snoring. No surprise there; William can easily sleep till noon. 

As far Harry though, he can only sleep till 8 o’clock, tops. It’s like he has an automatic clock in his system and he finds it annoying as hell. He can’t fall back asleep anymore, even if he’s still quite tired. Once he is awake, he is awake. You might think differently with his hair springing out in all sorts of directions, his voice that sounds deeper and rougher, his squinty eyes and overall sleepy appearance. 

He steps out of his bed (as far as a mattress on the ground can justify as a bed), puts on sweatpants and decides to brush his teeth before going downstairs. If someone is already up he doesn’t want to scare them away with his morning breath. Harry himself hates it when people with morning breath sit too close and basically spread their disgusting smell around while talking cheerfully. Ugh. 

Quietly, he grabs his toothbrush, tiptoes around the room and walks straight to the bathroom. Yesterday he got a tour of the house by Phoebe and Daisy who excitedly jumped around and practically dragged him through the house. A smile appears on his face as Harry thinks back about the tour.

-

After splashing some water in his face and thoroughly brushing his teeth, Harry goes downstairs to the living room. Immediately he gets greeted by two enthusiastic little girls: Phoebe and Daisy.

“Harry, Harry!” they exclaim happily. “We are playing with Lego Friends!” 

“That is great,” Harry says in response as he smiles at the little girls who are already so comfortable around him and so active in the early morning. 

“Want to play with us?” Phoebe asks cheerfully.

“I’ll be with you soon, but first I need a cup of tea,” he tells them. And he needs something to eat; he's always hungry in the early mornings. 

Phoebe pouts at Harry, but quickly runs back to play with the Lego, along with Daisy.

Harry chuckles as he enters the kitchen. 

However, his breath falters when he sees who is sitting at the kitchen table: Louis. All of a sudden Harry feels a little self-conscious. He’s just in a plain t-shirt and sweatpants and his hair is still a mess. 

He clears his throat before speaking up: “hi.”

Louis quickly looks up and a small smile escapes his lips. “Hey,” he replies softly.

It was just a very quick, small smile, but somehow it feels like a start for Harry.

He sits down across Louis at the table, but before he can even stir up a conversation Louis moves his head down and stares at the table while fidgeting with his cup of tea. 

Harry isn’t sure if Louis is simply shy or that he doesn’t want to talk to him. He really hopes it isn’t the latter. Harry hates it when people don’t like him, especially when he himself is so curious about the person sitting across him.

Harry sits there for a while, staring at the table as well, while his mind is racing with different stuff, when suddenly Louis asks: “do you want something to eat and drink?”

Harry looks up in delight and nods. “Yes please.” 

As Louis stands up and walks to the kitchen counter, Harry can’t restrain himself to carefully glance at Louis’ body. Harry has seen William's full on nude on so many occasions: when he is changing in the room, gets back from a shower or lies across his bed naked to 'let everything breathe’. It’s nothing new for him and Harry never really looks. He only looked once to compare himself with William, but that was all. He was never curious or even a bit flushed when he looked at William’s body. 

But the weird thing is that Louis’ body seems to drawn him in. He would imagine that William’s and Louis’ body would more or less look the same, but as far as Harry can tell with Louis’ rather baggy sweater and pants, it’s so not alike. First of all, Louis is definitely a few inches shorter. He also seems a bit fuller (or is that the clothes?) than William, especially around his hips and thighs. His upper body seems very small and he is literally swimming in his big, colourful sweater. Harry likes that. Harry likes soft bodies and Louis’ whole body and appearance screams softness with his cute sweater and almost feathery looks.

Unexpectedly Harry hears Louis cough and with a lot of embarrassment he looks up at Louis’ face instead of his body.

Harry awkwardly scratches his neck. “Hmmm sorry, I was thinking.” Which basically isn’t a lie, but he rather not tell Louis what he exactly was thinking of. That would be very, very uncomfortable. 

“Do you want tea?” Louis asks in a polite tone, occasionally looking up at Harry. 

“Yes I would like that, but not just because I’m English,” Harry jokes. It has happened frequently that his friends at University tease him about his English cup of tea. ‘Oh beg me pardon, could I have some tea please?’ they would say in their most horrendous attempt of an English accent. 

Louis blushes, a beautiful red stain forms across his cheeks. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you”. 

“Oh no, you didn’t! It’s just some people joke about the fact that I drink tea because I’m English.”

“Oh,” Louis responds quietly, not meeting Harry’s eyes.

Harry smiles at Louis nonetheless and wants to say something else, but he’s at a loss for words. This is, considering Harry is normally pretty charming and talkative, quite odd. It’s like he is automatically a bit more reserved around Louis, not wanting to frighten the shy boy.

But luckily and most of all surprisingly he speaks again. “I like tea as well,” he confesses in his mellow voice that Harry really adores.

“That’s great! William hates tea, he always drinks coffee and he gets this awful bad taste in his mouth.”

Louis giggles in response and Harry feels somewhat proud of himself. 

Not a second later someone stomps inside the room and pulls at Harry’s arm. “Harry, Harry! Are you coming?” Daisy whines.

“I’m coming soon.”

“When?” She instantly asks in a demanding tone, crossing her arms over her chest.

Harry turns his full attention towards her. “I’ll be there soon but first I need my breakfast okay?”

Daisy sulks, just like her sister did barely ten minutes ago, but eventually leaves the room with a disappointed nod.

Harry feels kind of guilty, but he really needs something to eat and drink before he can play along with the little girls.

“I really need my tea first,” he mumbles to himself; apparently quite loudly.

“I figured,” Louis chuckles under his breath. 

“What did you say?” Harry asks amused as he curiously raises his eyebrows.

Louis’ eyes widen. “Oh sorry,” he gulps.

Harry shakes his head. “Don’t apologies, I’m just curious what you said.”

“Oh it’s nothing,” he shrugs, immediately looking down again. 

“Ah Louis you can tell me, I promise I won’t cry,” Harry teases. 

“I said I figured, you still look rather sleepy,” Louis stammers in a hushed voice, almost like he is too scared to tell him. 

“Oh is that so?” Harry replies in amusement. He wants to show Louis that this is alright. He isn’t offended by his remark, quite the opposite actually. 

Louis nods with a soft smile, seemingly a bit more relaxed. 

As Harry looks intently (he can practically stare at Louis because most of the time Louis stares at the ground) he sees a very small grin on his face. 

“Yeah, your hair especially,” Louis says slightly more confident. 

Harry laughs along with that, thoroughly enjoying this little conversation. “Yeah I’ve heard that one before. I guess my hair can’t be tamed.” 

“I like it,” Louis blurts out and immediately holds his hand for his mouth in horror. It seems like he is very shocked by his own words that shouldn’t be said out loud.

Harry is pleasantly surprised though. “Thank you.”

Louis doesn’t smile back but just politely nods at Harry before rapidly walking away.  
Harry is stunned and mostly saddened by Louis’ behaviour. He really liked the little playfulness they had going on. What happened?

After a while of sitting there in disappointment and confusion he decides to make some tea himself and play with the girls until the rest of the family awakes.

\-----

“Hey,” William mumbles as he enters the living room with a big mug of coffee. He sits down on the couch beside Harry and quickly pours strong, black coffee in his system.

Harry chuckles at the sight of William’s just-woke-up look. William barely talks in the morning, he always grumbles until the caffeine of his coffee kicks in.

“How did you sleep?” William asks, probably out of politeness. 

“Okay.” 

“So what do you want to do today?” 

Harry shrugs casually, “I don’t know.” Honestly his mind is still with Louis. He really wants to ask William about Louis, but he doesn’t know what to ask. William never talks about Louis so why would he now?

“I guess we can hang out with the fam today,” William suggests. “Or we can play some video games?”

“Do you have a good relationship with Louis?” Harry wonders, barely listing to William’s suggestions. 

“Yeah of course, why wouldn’t I?” William questions.

Harry has quite a few ideas why he doesn’t have a good relationship with Louis, but he doesn’t want to upset William, certainly not in the morning when he is even grumpier than usual.

“Just asking.”

William hums in response, but keeps his eyes glued on the television.

He really needs to drag it out of William if he wants to know more about Louis.

“He doesn’t talk a lot, now does he?” Harry asks him.

That seems to catch William’s attention because he turns his body and looks at Harry. He has an intense look in his eyes. “Why should he? Do you think something is wrong with him?” William asks defensively.

Harry is taken aback by William’s defensive, almost aggressive behaviour. Why is he suddenly so protective of Louis? 

“No of course not,” Harry shakes his head in confusion. “He seems very nice, just a bit shy around me.”

William’s whole expression changes abruptly. He pats Harry on his shoulder. “Don’t worry mate, don’t take it personal. He is rather uncomfortable with new people, it’s not you,” he says encouragingly. 

Harry lets out a sigh of relief. Somehow hearing it out loud makes him feel better. He couldn’t stand the idea of Louis not liking him. 

And thankfully William is back to his old, grumpy self. Harry still isn’t sure what happened only a minute ago, but William seemed rather protective of Louis. Of course Harry likes to see that William cares about his brother, but it also makes him wonder: does Louis need protection? And from what? 

Harry thinks back about the few interactions they had so far. Louis seemed nervous, shy and sometimes even scared, but he also laughed, talked and giggled with Harry. 

“Is he gay?” Harry blurts out. He mentally slaps himself for speaking before thinking.

William raises his eyebrows. He even seems a bit offended, or is that just in Harry’s mind? He is wondering a lot lately. 

“Why?”

“Well…” Harry begins doubtfully. He can’t say ‘because I think your brother is hot and basically I want him to be gay’. “I don’t know,” he continues. “I’ve read somewhere that when it comes to twins, one of them is most likely gay,” Harry bluntly lies. He just came up with it out of nowhere, having absolutely no idea in the slightest if that is true. 

“I really don’t want to talk about it, if you want to know ask him,” William says with a harsh tone. 

And that seems to be the end of their conversation about Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Please comment or leave kudos if you like this story and I also appreciate feedback! Because comments etc. really keep me motivated to write and it also gives me confirmation/assurance that my story is worth reading and people enjoy it!
> 
>  
> 
> *Phoebe and Daisy are probably a little bit more mature/older than how I write them in this story, but it's just for the story.


	4. Chapter 4

Harry enters the bowling alley along with the Tomlinson’s. 

Since its William’s and Louis’ birthday, William proposed to go bowling. Everyone, except for Louis, seemed thoroughly excited. Harry is equally excited, mostly to finally spend some quality time with Louis (and of course with the rest of the family). 

He really hopes that Louis comes out of his shell more, like the other day when their interaction was quite playful. Harry really enjoyed that moment and wants to have more of those moments with Louis. 

Sadly, after that cute little conversation Harry had with Louis two days ago, they haven’t really spoken to each other. Together with Phoebe and Daisy, they are always the first to wake up (not counting the baby twins that cry at 3 in the night). But with the exception of the first day, whenever Harry enters the kitchen Louis quickly walks away to his room. Yes, they have said hello and bye, but that was basically it. 

Harry really tried to stir up new conversation and interact more with Louis, but that was almost impossible. He spends most of his time in his room, at his neighbours’ house or at work. William told Harry (yeah he finally told him something) that Louis’ best girlfriend Ellen is also his neighbour. They have practically been friends since birth. William sounded pleased when he spoke about their friendship. Is it possibly more than friendship? Why else did William sound so excited about it? And why doesn’t William hang out with her? 

Harry has so many questions about Louis, that it drives him mad. He wants answers and clarification but William barely tells him anything. Harry has always been interested in people and their story, but somehow his interests with Louis go beyond that. It might even seem a bit creepy since Harry has only known the boy for a few days. Luckily most of his ‘creepy curiosity’ goes on in his own mind. Thus far, he doesn’t think anyone has noticed it. Especially Louis hasn’t, because he can barely look at Harry let alone speak to him.

-

The girls immediately run further inside the building to get bowling shoes and shout out their sizes to the man behind the desk. They seem so excited and Harry can even see a little smile playing across Louis’ face by the sight of his little sisters. 

Harry is grateful that William proposed bowling, because it is one of the few sports that he is actually good in. Although his purpose today isn’t to win (but mostly to spend some time with Louis) it does help that he might impress Louis along the way with his bowling skills. 

“We have a reservation under the name Tomlinson,” Dan says to the girl behind the counter.

“Okay, you have lane number 3 and 4, enjoy!”

When everyone has put on their bowling shoes and moved to the bowling lanes it’s time to make teams. On the way to the bowling centre they already agreed that its team Louis versus team William. 

Harry really wants to be in Louis’ team, but he doesn’t want to say it out loud. He is not sure how Louis would react to that. Or William, for that matter.

“I want Harry on my team!” William calls urgently. “He’s a great bowler.”

Taking the opportunity to irritate William and be on Louis’ team, Harry shakes his head: “I’m sorry my dear William but you can’t always get what you want,” he says with a serious tone although he still has a tiny satisfied smirk on his face.

William sulks. “You know I’m a sore loser, I need you mate!”

Harry chuckles, “sorry pal, but he who is greedy is always in want.”

“I want to be on Louis’ team!” Félicité yells loudly.

They all shout incoherently until the teams are finally formed. Louis’ team consists of Louis, Harry, Félicité and Jay (with the new born twins). And William had Dan, Charlotte, Phoebe and Daisy on his team. 

“We are só going to win with Harry on our team!” Félicité screams wildly as she high fives her mother.

Harry chuckles in embarrassment. “Don’t be so sure, I’m not that great. William just exaggerated.”

“I’m sure you’ll do great,” Louis assures Harry and faintly smiles at him.

Harry smiles back. Somehow hearing those words from Louis give them so much more meaning. “Thanks.”

-

As they start bowling the vibe in the room immediately changes into a very competitive one. 

They all seem very serious about bowling. Maybe William isn’t the only sore loser in his family, Harry thinks.

When Charlotte misses and throws the ball in the gutter Félicité laughs and sticks her tongue out. “You suck!” she screams. 

Harry looks at it with amazement and shock. Even Louis, who is always so introvert, calm and shy is more out there. He isn’t as loud as Félicité or Phoebe, but he certainly seems more vibrant and even a bit aggressive. It’s in the way he focuses whenever it’s his turn, how he claps his hand if one of his teammates has a strike or spare and even in the expression in his eyes. Harry has to admit that he likes it, enjoys seeing Louis like this. 

When Louis finishes his round Harry sits next to him. “Whoa you are all very competitive.”  
  
Louis nods, “yeah I guess we are, but in the end it’s just fun and games.”

“I really like–” Harry wants to say ‘your more aggressive side’, but at the last minute he changes his mind and says: “your family.”

Louis furrows his eyebrows in confusion, but his confused expression quickly changed and he agrees firmly. “Yeah I really don’t know what I would do without them.”

\----------

After bowling they all get ready for the birthday and Christmas Eve’s dinner. William told him that it is a tradition to dress neatly and luckily for Harry he brought a suit with him (at recommendation of William). 

As Harry goes to the bathroom to tame his hair and brush his teeth, he hears a conversation coming from Louis’ room. 

His curiosity takes the best of him and he takes a few steps towards Louis’ room to listen. It’s a horrible thing to eavesdrop on a conversation and totally not in his character but somehow he can’t contain himself. His interest in Louis is making him do this. 

As he moves closer he hears Louis’ soft voice that sounds relatively desperate and even a bit irritated. Harry moves even closer, ears only a few inches from the door so that he can hear the conversation between Louis and what sounds like Jay.

“Come on Louis, we’ve bought these jeans especially for you. Come try them on.” 

“No, they are too tight,” he mumbles. 

“Just try them on,” Jay almost pleads in a desperate manner. 

“No!” he screeches. 

Harry can hear Jay sigh deeply. A lot of questions pop up. Why are they arguing about jeans? What does Louis mean when he says they are too tight? 

“Louis they will look great on you and besides, you are just with family.”

“No, Harry is here,” he replies anxiously. 

Harry is flabbergasted. Doesn’t he want to wear tight jeans because Harry is here? He suddenly feels very unwelcome and extremely confused. What is happening? 

Harry hears more pleading whispers from Jay and desperate whines from Louis, but Harry is too confused to listen anymore. He already feels like an intriguer, especially by imposing on their privacy and listing to a conversation that was clearly meant for the two of them.

Harry shakes his head and tries to forget about this and move on. But obviously that won’t work. In addition to all the other odd things that Harry has witnessed and heard, the only thing that runs through his mind is: what is going on?

\-----

As Jay and Louis finally walk downstairs and enter the living room, Harry is stunned and he feels his cheeks redden and heat up by the sight of Louis, who seemingly did agree to wear his new jeans. Seeing Louis in those tight, white jeans (which he apparently hates) is mouth-watering for Harry. A lot of different ideas pop in his mind and none of them are suitable for a nice family birthday and Christmas Eve. 

Harry was right when he examined (oh my god, he really does sound like a creep) Louis’ body. It is so much thicker, yet smaller than William’s body. William is very thin and straight, but Louis has such a divine, small waist with nice thick thighs. It’s almost feminine and Harry finds it breath-taking. 

Harry looks up from Louis’ body to look at his face. Louis is staring right back at him. His eyes are slightly widened, he looks kind of scared and his perfect sculpted cheekbones are stained with a red blush. 

The moment is short-livid because Louis quickly looks away and walks around the room until he sits as far away from Harry as possible. 

Harry feels partly ashamed because he probably stared at Louis with lustful eyes. He hopes the rest of the family didn’t notice. Harry does however has the impression that Louis seemed somewhat flushed as well, given by his redden cheeks. Maybe he looked flushed because he felt awkward. Harry can imagine that he felt uncomfortable under such an intense stare from someone who lives in his house, but on the other hand: surely a lot of girls (and probably guys too) have been ogling Louis, right? Like… just look at him. It is almost impossible not to stare at such perfection.

Jeez Harry, he thinks to himself, you should really stop looking and fantasizing. Why do you have a little crush on William’s girlfriend and right now can’t stop thinking about his twin brother? You are truly messed up!

Luckily for Harry he is in a house full of loud people and distractions. He tries to focus on the little girls who are proudly showing William and Louis the birthday present they've made.  
  
“Thank you girls!” they smile as Phoebe and Daisy give them their self-made mugs.

Harry grabs his own presents out of his bag. Luckily he thought about buying presents before going to the Tomlinson’s. He would feel really stupid and awkward if he didn’t have any gifts. 

Buying a gift for William was quite easy. He knows William like the back of his hand (that’s what you get when you see someone naked, hear them snore and see them emotional after a fight with the girlfriend). 

“Happy birthday mate!” Harry hugs William as he gives him his presents. He bought William a T-shirt with the text ‘The closest I ever got to a 4.0 was my blood alcohol content’. And as a little extra on the side he bought him a huge beer glass. William is a big drinker, but fortunately he is a loud and fun drunk.

William laughs as he sees it. “Awesome!” he grins as he shows it to the rest.

 

“Hey Louis, happy birthday to you too.” Harry gives Louis his present. He wants to hug Louis like he normally does with people when he congratulates them, but somehow Harry has the feeling that Louis doesn’t want that. First of all because of the distance that he keeps between them and secondly because Louis is so shy and somewhat frightened around him. Besides, after his comment that Harry ‘overheard’ he absolutely doesn’t want to scare Louis away and make him even more uncomfortable.

Harry looks at Louis’ face as he holds his gift. Harry barely knows Louis and he bought his present before he had even seen him. When he bought it he knew nothing about Louis, mostly because William hardly talks about him. 

Harry is a big music fan himself and after going into at least 5 different shops he eventually decided to buy a present that he himself would like as a gift. It’s a very big risk to buy someone a cd without knowing someone’s taste, but at least he made an effort.

“If you want to return it it’s no problem,” Harry quickly adds as Louis’ opens his present. It’s the newest album from The Script. They are one of Harry’s favourite bands.

Louis gasps and Harry can only hope that is a good sign.

“Thank you Harry,” he whispers quietly, but excitedly. “I love that band.”

“Me too,” Harry answers with a wide smile on his face.

\-----

After his phone call with both his mother and sister Harry feels a bit sad and exhausted. Today was such an amazing, but confusing day. On top of that he really misses his own family. He is really happy that he can stay here, he thoroughly enjoys it. Nevertheless there is still this nagging feeling, almost like longing for his family. It’s not like he can’t be away from his own family, hell he even decided to study abroad, but he hasn’t seen them in over 5 months! He just really misses them. 

Someone plops down on the bed next to Harry. Harry automatically assumes it’s William, so he doesn’t really react. 

That is until he hears that soft voice that he grew to love. “I’m sorry that you couldn’t visit your family.”

Harry quickly looks up in amazement. “Thank you,” he replies grateful. 

“What is your family like?” Louis asks hesitantly but with curiosity in his voice.

Harry feels so pleased with Louis’ interest. It shows Harry that Louis doesn’t dislike him. He truly wants to know more about Harry and Harry can’t be more delighted. 

“It’s just me mum Anne and my sister Gemma, they are great,” he explains and he can’t ignore that giddy and amazing feeling that he is feeling inside as he thinks about them. “It’s a lot less people in the house though,” he chuckles.

“Yeah,” Louis agrees. “Thank you for my present,” he says with a small smile on his face.  
Even though they are very small gestures from Louis’ side, he does seem to try to make an effort around Harry. Louis might be anxious and careful, there is also something more. Harry wonders if Louis might have a curiosity about him as well as he does about Louis. 

“No problem,” Harry grins back excitedly. He’s probably smiling like an idiot, but he doesn’t care. 

They stare at each other and this time Louis doesn’t look away. Harry really wants to do something; hug Louis or even give him a little kiss on the cheek but instead he clears his throat and says: “I think it’s time for bed.”

Louis immediately stands up. “Oh yeah, sorry,” he apologizes and quickly sprints off to his room.

For fuck’s sake! Why did Harry have to say such a foolish thing? Louis looked so scared and quickly scampered off like he overstayed his welcome, which is so far from the truth! Fuck what an idiot, what a bloody idiot!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you noticed a difference in style between this chapter and the first chapters, it is because I am editing my story!  
> The story will stay the exact same, just some editing!


	5. Chapter 5

Harry awakes in the early morning and as usual he immediately stands up, not wanting to miss Louis at breakfast. Aside from the first lovely morning, Louis always sprints back to his room whenever Harry arrives. 

Harry definitely feels like they have made some progress yesterday, mainly with the talk they had in William’s room. Well… that was until Harry fucked it up by telling Louis ‘it’s time for bed’. He was such an idiot for scaring Louis away with his mindless words. He wants, no needs, to make it up, because he has to keep making progress. Harry wants to have another cute conversation while exchanging small smile and he also really longs for Louis to wear his amazing tight, white jeans again. The image hasn’t left Harry's mind and certainly not his imagination. Harry craves to touch and stroke his thighs tenderly, desires to kiss him on every inch of his body…

Ugh, he feels so sexually frustrated but can’t do anything about it, not even use his right hand to relief part of his tension. Because let’s face it; what if he gets caught? Oh that would be so humiliating. Basically the only place where he is safe to please himself (or at least sort of safe) is in the showers; thus far he’s been too scared to do it. But if he doesn’t stop thinking about Louis in those white jeans, which already makes him partially aroused, it might be a necessity. And Harry wants to prevent that from happening to avoid certain awkward situations. Besides, he also wouldn't see Louis because he probably already escaped to his room while Harry finally would have his, so desperately needed, release.

Harry tries to think about non-sexual stuff, but nothing really helps to stop him from having a hard-on. He thinks about playing Monopoly with the girls, but that image quickly fades and turns into Harry and Louis playing Monopoly together in an illuminated room, small beams of light hit Louis’ gorgeous cheekbones. Louis is dressed in his oversized sweater: only in his oversized sweater. Bloody hell.

Harry quickly emerges to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face. And maybe on his member too. 

After hurriedly splashing some essential cold water on his face, brushing his teeth and changing into something more comfortable, (that can easily hide certain things that he wants to avoid) he walks downstairs. Surprisingly he doesn’t get greeted or attacked by Daisy and Phoebe telling him to play or watch TV with him. 

He walks further into the living room, towards the kitchen, hoping to meet Louis. With a deep sigh he sits down on a chair, feeling bummed out because he doesn’t see the cute, soft-looking boy sipping on his tea. 

Impatiently, Harry waits around fifteen minutes for Louis to show, but when Harry knows he’s obviously not coming (might even avoiding him) he decides to take that shower. 

\-----

Harry feels slightly better after his shower; at least he feels less sexual frustrated. But with the sexual tension gone, the guilt is taken over. He feels so ashamed for thinking about William’s twin brother in such a sexual way. In their house for fuck’s sake! It’s so bloody awkward. 

He quietly sips on his tea, staring in the distance; mind occupied with different thoughts, when completely out of the blue someone smacks his head in a playful manner. Harry’s heart drops for a single beat. Startled, he quickly turns around and glances at the sight of a happy William (which can be considered special since it’s not even noon). 

“Merry Christmas mate!” William exclaims happily, giving Harry a warm bro-hug.

“Thanks, you too,” Harry speaks out while returning the hug with a faint smile. He feels a tad weird in William’s arms since he just came with the image of Louis in mind. The image of a complete naked Louis, except for his oversized sweater, as his cute, little hand, touched him. Louis’ gorgeous face in a serious expression while he stroked Harry until he was coming blissfully satisfied. 

Although William and Louis are somewhat different in appearance and definitely personality wise, Louis is still his twin brother. Harry coughs awkwardly, releases his arms from William and even takes a few steps back. 

“So what are we going to do?” he proposes, trying to suppress his guilt.

“I want to visit some friends, I still expect a birthday present from all of them,” he states in an obvious manner.

“Of course,” Harry nods with a half-serious tone. 

“Want to join me or?” 

Harry really wants to stay here and see Louis. He needs to talk to him, wishes to make amends after his foolish behaviour. But at the same time Harry isn’t sure how he can face Louis after his shower. How can he look at Louis without his cheeks heat up as he recalls certain thoughts? Without thinking about Louis in a perverted way instead of the innocence that Louis resembles? 

“I’ll stay here,” Harry decides after a while. “You go have fun with your friends and don’t come back until you’ve got your presents,” he jokes.

William laughs. “Alright mate, I’ll see you before dinner.”

\-----

While William got ready for his give-me-my-presents visit, Harry made plans to ‘confront’ Louis. However, before he could even execute his well-thought-out plan, all the girls demanded Harry to make cookies with them. 

So that’s how he ended up not even minutes later, sitting at the kitchen table with four chattering girls around him, ready to make cookie dough. He still hasn’t seen, let alone spoke, to Louis and he’s afraid that moment might not occur for a while. He is already preoccupied for the day and as much as he wants to make excuses to leave the table to see Louis, he doesn’t want to disappoint the girls. He wants them to like him just as much as he simply can’t say no to them. And, Louis aside, he really enjoys spending time with them.

-

He is just kneading his part of the cookie dough when Louis comes in, looking wonderful as ever. 

Harry smiles at Louis. “Hey”. 

“Hey,” Louis quietly replies, although his eyes are still directed towards the floor.

“Want to join us?” Harry quickly proposes, not wanting to miss his opportunity. 

“YES LOUIS, COOKIES!” Daisy screams, hands moving excitedly in the air; leaving crumbles of cookie dough all over the kitchen table.

Harry has his eyes glued on Louis but sadly he still doesn’t look up as he shakes his head. 

“No thanks,” he whispers. 

And before Harry can even convince Louis otherwise he is already walking out of the kitchen. Not a minute later the front door opens and closes.

“Where is Louis going?” Harry questions, mostly to himself but apparently louder than expected. 

“Probably to Ellen,” Félicité shrugs indifferent. 

“He is there a lot huh?” he inquires. Harry knows it’s wrong to question the girls about their brother, but he really wants to know more and won’t be able to hear it from Louis himself or William. Maybe Jay could shed some light on things, but he honestly doesn’t think she’ll just tell him. Besides, asking a few questions out of curiosity isn’t that bad right?

They all nod their heads, except for Daisy who (with a very intense and serious look as the tip of her tongue sticks out of her mouth) is making figures with the cookie dough.

“Yes,” Charlotte answers, tone having a slightly sad edge. “Constantly and she barely comes here anymore.”

“Was it always like this?”

Charlotte shakes her head. “No, not so frequently, but yes, they’ve always been best friends and they always saw each other a lot”. 

“Even before –“ Félicité begins, but gets interjected by her sister Charlotte with a loud ‘shush’. 

Harry can’t help but to frown at them and question what is going on.

Félicité mouths an apology to Charlotte before she starts to make another cookie. Charlotte sees Harry's puzzled expression and just faintly smiles at him. 

Apparently question time is over. 

Harry tries to make different forms of cookies, like Christmas trees and candy, but his mind is racing. It's obvious that something has happened with Louis. Something has changed: but what?

\----- 

Harry sits down next to William in the living room, chatting about random stuff. They’ve just finished their Christmas meal in a rapid pace since the girls desperately and impatiently wanted to start opening their Christmas presents. 

Dan and Charlotte decorate the room with scented candles (reminding Harry of home), alongside the already decorated Christmas lights, accessories and tree. Jay and Félicité place the gifts under the tree while Phoebe and Daisy proudly put the plate with the self-made cookies on the coffee table. The whole scene, from the different smells to the joyful people, gives this a typical Christmas feel. A feeling of warmth and joy. 

Each member of the family takes one gift at a time from under the tree and gives it to the person it belongs to. Harry might or might not stare whenever it’s Louis’ turn to take a gift and needs to bend over to grab one. And whenever (on very few occasions) Louis looks back at Harry, Harry has a small blush on his cheeks. 

They still haven’t talked after yesterday and from the corner of his eye Harry notices that Louis is fidgeting with his small hands. He seems somewhat antsy and definitely isn’t enjoying this as much as the rest of the family. He does have moments were a small smile plays on his face; whenever he gives someone or receives a present or whenever they laugh about a certain memory, but overall he looks anxious and impatient. 

Johannah takes a gift and walks towards William and Harry. Harry gasps when Jay gives it to Harry instead of William. 

“For me?” he asks stunned, not even in the slightest he thought of this possibility. 

“Well William announced your stay only a day before the two of you arrived,” she starts, quickly looking in William’s direction with a look of disapproval before looking back at Harry with a soft smile as she continues. “But nonetheless, I’ve managed to get something from the store. It’s not something spectacular, but I certainly couldn’t have you leave here empty-handed.”

Harry feels warmth spreading through his body. The love that radiates from the family is amazing. It’s not that Harry wants a present, he is just really grateful that they think of him, include him. And as much as he misses his own family, he feels wonderful. 

Since Harry arrived at the Tomlinson’s he felt like this is such a warm, loud and wonderful family. And the more he gets to know them, the more he likes them. And no, he’s not only talking specifically about Louis. He really loves the whole family and already feels like he partly belongs here and that is an amazing feeling. He quickly glances at Louis who in his turn is staring at the clock while his legs are bouncing up and down restlessly. 

“Thank you so much,” Harry breathes out, smiling at Jay with a grateful smile.

-

About halfway through giving and unpacking the gifts Louis stands up from his position, apparently ready to leave. 

“Hey we aren’t finished yet,” Jay orders, looking at Louis with a stern look. 

“I know mum, but I need to work.”

“We discussed this a month ago, you agreed to take Christmas off,” Jay replies, seemingly a bit disappointed, even irritated?

“I know, but they pay double time,” Louis explains impatiently. 

Harry listens to the conversation while in the meantime trying to act nonchalant. The rest of the family doesn’t seem too bothered by this conversation. This probably is a reoccurring argument between mother and son. 

“Yes I know Lou, but sometimes money isn’t that important.”

Louis suddenly seems angry as he hisses: “you know how important this is to me.”

Jay sighs. “I know sweetheart, I just wish you could be here tonight.”

“I’m sorry mum, I really have to go.”

As most of the conversations that concern Louis, Harry doesn’t understand. He doesn’t have a clue what’s going on, only knows something is up. Something he wants to find out.


	6. Chapter 6

The whole family gathers around the table for lunch. And that means a lot of people. Even after six days at the Tomlinson’s Harry is still amazed by all the children Jay and Dan have together. It feels like there is no moment of silence in this house. In the early morning Daisy and Phoebe bounce up and down the stairs; screaming for attention. In the afternoon everyone is jumping up and down and whining and groaning for food (mostly William). In the evening Charlotte and Félicité are especially very present: they giggle with girlfriends, perform dance routines and scream about their favourite pop stars. And at night the babies cry for food or comfort.

It’s overwhelming for Harry, but surprisingly not in a bad way. He actually enjoys the loudness. This whole house screams ‘alive’. Even Louis with his quiet presence seems to come out of his shell more. Especially when he thinks that Harry isn’t around or isn’t paying attention he can be more forthcoming. He isn’t as talkative and loud as the rest, but it is still nice to see him laugh and enjoy time with his family. Harry is in awe with the love that exuberates in this house.

Just as they are all set to start with lunch, William’s phone rings. 

“Oh sorry, it’s Holland,” he explains as he walks away to answer his phone. Normally when William is on the phone with Holland, Harry feels some sort of sting in his stomach. He has to admit; it is jealousy. Jealous that William is the guy that can comfort her, can make her laugh and yes: have sex with her. But right now that sting doesn’t come. 

The realization is shocking, until he looks at the reason: Louis. After barely a week Harry is already so intrigued with Louis. He wants to know more about him, get to know him better. He has this urge to do something. They haven’t really spoken that much, Louis still locks himself in the room or goes out whenever possible, but Harry feels like slowly, very slowly, but surely something progresses between them. Mostly in the small smiles they exchange when the family is together or the way Louis looks bashful whenever Harry is staring a tad too intensely. And on very rare occasions Louis shows an interest in Harry as he asks or says something to him.

“I can’t,” Harry hears William say. He tries to listen more intently so he can hear a bit more of their conversation; or at least from William’s side. “Maybe I can … Harry… what no? Why not?” 

William sighs deeply before he hangs up and goes back to the table. 

“Everything okay?” Harry asks attentively.

“Well… partly. Holland is pissed because I don’t want to go to her. Yeah I want to go, but I said I can’t because you are here.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry immediately replies with a tone of regret.

“Oh no,” William quickly looks at Harry. “Don’t feel guilty! I didn’t mean it like that, I’m happy you’re here mate!” 

“What did she want?” Dan asks, joining the conversation.

“She asked me to stay with her for a couple of days.” 

“Why don’t you?” Harry proposes simply, not quite thinking it through.

“You don’t mind?” William asks surprised.

Shaking his head, Harry replies: “nah, I’m fine here. Well… if everyone is okay with that?”

“Of course!” Dan immediately answers for everyone. 

Harry quickly looks over at Louis and it seems like a small smile has appeared on his face. 

“You really don’t mind?” William asks again. 

Harry shakes his head once more. “No! It’s perfectly fine.” 

“Call your girlfriend Will before she dumps your sorry ass!” Charlotte practically screams. 

Everyone in the room burst out in laughter. William quickly emerges from the room, probably to call Holland and follow Charlotte’s advice.

“That was fun,” Félicité giggles.

\----------

Harry is currently building a castle of Lego with Phoebe and Daisy. They proclaimed Harry as theirs. It’s quite amusing and Harry doesn’t really mind. He always loved to play with Lego and right now he likes to get his mind off of things. 

Just a half hour ago Harry waved William goodbye with mixed emotions. William seemed so happy to see his girlfriend, but he kept asking if Harry was truly okay with it. Of course he said yes, he doesn’t want to stand in the way of William’s happiness but at the same time he didn’t really think what that would mean for himself. William will be gone for a few days, until the day of the New Years’ eve party. That means that he will be in the Tomlinson’s house without his mate William. 

He really likes every single member of this family, but he barely knows them. It feels a bit awkward. Normally William is the one that comes with the ideas to do stuff. He went with William to the village and he was the one who initiated the bowling trip. What will Harry do now? Constantly play with Phoebe and Daisy? Don’t get Harry wrong, he really enjoys it, but a whole day? That would be extremely exhausting. Sometimes Harry wants to ‘chill’, hang out with friends, watch a silly movie and talk about ‘grown up’ stuff. 

“When the castle is done we have to make a village!” Phoebe states in all seriousness. 

“Okay, shall I start on the village?” Harry proposes.

The girls nod and continue their work on the castle.

 

When the castle and the village are almost finished, the girls get bored with building the Lego and they want to play with it. Daisy gives Harry a male Lego pop. “You are the prince of the castle.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Phoebe agrees excitedly. “And you need to choose your princess from the village!” 

They chant happily as they rant different ideas.

“So the twins are finally asleep,” Johannah says with tiredness in her voice as she joins them in the living room. 

“How are you doing Harry?” she asks him. 

“MUM!” Phoebe yells, “shut it, he needs to choose his princess!” 

“Phoebe, don’t speak to your mother like that, or you won’t be a princess,” Harry instantly replies. His mother always taught him to be polite and nice to others. 

“Oh,” Phoebe whispers and nods eagerly. 

“I’m fine,” he smiles at Jay. “The girls really keep me under their wing.”

Jay chuckles. “They sure do. They really like playing with you. Especially now that William is at University and rarely visits.” 

“What about the others?” he questions while he dresses his prince in an appropriate outfit. 

“Charlotte and Fizzie don’t really want to play with their younger sisters, puberty huh?” 

Harry nods understandingly. Luckily for him Gemma never did that to him. She was always very protective of her ‘baby brother’ and she always included him in things she did. She never was ashamed of him and vice versa. 

“And Louis never plays with us anymore,” Daisy adds with a pout. 

Out of the corner of his eye he looks at Johannah and tries to see some hidden emotion. Overall she looks just tired. But why doesn’t Louis want to play with them anymore? Can he ask them?

“Why?” Harry asks carefully. 

“Because he is sad,” Daisy answers, but Johannah interjects her: “no honey, Louis isn’t sad. Louis is just going through a difficult time right now. He will be fine,” she assures them.

Harry’s eyes are glued on his prince doll but his mind is with Jay’s words. Louis is going through a difficult time? What does she mean? 

“Harry! You need to prepare for the ball!” Daisy demands. 

Harry can’t forget the words that left Jay’s mouth, but these little girls expect him to join their little play. He tries to forget the sadness that washes over him as he thinks about Louis having a difficult time. He doesn’t know what happened with Louis, but knowing that something is ‘wrong’ with such a beautiful person makes him feel heavyhearted. 

“The prince is ready for the ball!” he declares in a different, almost cartoony voice which makes the girls giggle.

With their little Lego dolls they hop inside the castle. 

“Do you have a princess Harry?” Phoebe suddenly asks, staring at Harry with hopeful, glistering eyes.

“No I don’t.” 

“Do you want one?”

Normally Harry would say yes. Yes, he wants a princess, a girlfriend. Harry wants that special girl to be with. However, since the last couple of days he feels differently. Shaking his head, Harry bravely announces: “I don’t want a princess, I want a prince.”

“Oh,” they mouth in silence, faces completely serious and eager.

Harry wants to reply until he suddenly hears careful footsteps coming his way. 

“Hi,” Louis says in his usual soft voice.

Harry looks up and is yet again struck by Louis’ beauty. Does he ever not look good?

Louis is nervously fumbling with the hem of his sweater as he tries to look at Harry. “If you want we could go to the cinema? I work there with some friends, I can show you around and we can watch a movie.” It’s almost inaudible because of the softness of his voice. “If you don’t want, you don’t have to,” he quickly adds.

Harry smiles widely, “I would love that.” 

“Oh,” Louis replies, seemingly shocked.

“Thank you for asking me.” Harry feels like he just made a new step. He still isn’t quite sure what Louis thinks of him. Some moments he really seems at ease with Harry and something in Harry’s mind tells him that Louis seems interested in him as well, but other times he looks scared and shy and runs away. Not knowing where he stands, Harry desperately feels the urge to explore and find out if Louis is indeed his prince.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a quick update lol
> 
> If you like this please take the time to write a comment and leave kudos, because it motivates me to write and I want to know if you enjoy this story (also tell me if you have feedback)!  
> And for the ones that already left kudos/comments: thank you so much!!!


	7. Chapter 7

“So how often do you work at the cinema?” Harry asks after ten minutes of walking in complete silence. He feels like he is the one that needs to stir up the conversation once more, because Louis hasn’t done it so far and it doesn’t seem like he will. Harry already made several attempts to start a simple conversation, but with every question he asked, Louis answered him in the shortest way possible. 

It’s such a complicated situation for Harry. Louis really seems to try to make an effort; he even asked Harry to the cinema for crying out loud! Though, at the same time he is still so quiet and shy around Harry. 

“Five or six days,” Louis answers quietly but curtly. 

“Wow,” Harry replies amazed. “That’s a lot besides university or college.”

Shrugging, Louis simply answers: “I don’t go to college.”

“You don’t?” Harry is rather surprised by this answer; somehow Harry assumed that Louis would be in college or university as well. But come to think of it, William has never mentioned it. Not that that is such a surprise, he never mentions anything Louis.

“No,” Louis answers yet again in his usual soft, high-pitched voice, however there is a hint of annoyance in his tone; giving Harry the impression he rather doesn’t want to talk about this.

Harry sighs deeply. He doesn’t want to make this night awkward or even unpleasant so he has to change the course of the conversation. Again. The subject needs to be even lighter than casual ‘get to know each other’ stuff. Apparently Harry is still not allowed to ask those things. Luckily for Harry, Louis can’t flee to his room this time. 

“What movie are we going to watch?” Harry asks as he glances at Louis. 

A faint smile appears on Louis’ face. Harry is delighted to see the small smile, knowing they can still make this night work. 

“Well there are a lot of great movies playing, but what kind of movie do you want to see?”

“What kind of movies do you think I like?” Harry wonders interested.

Louis hums. “I have to think about that for a moment.”

“Okay,” he smiles at Louis, thankful that Louis at least tries to talk to him in whole sentences. “Take your time.” 

-

Harry and Louis arrive at the local cinema. Louis still hasn’t told Harry what kind of movies he thinks Harry likes, but the last few minutes that they walked together were a lot less awkward. It felt like the first tension and awkwardness had vanished and instead they occasionally glanced at each other, smiling briefly. Harry could swear he saw a blush creep on Louis’ cheeks when Harry was looking a little too intensely. 

“Uh welcome, I guess,” Louis says awkwardly as he looks up at Harry, motioning him to enter. 

“Thank you,” Harry replies gratefully, entering Redding’s cinema. 

He is immediately engulfed by the Christmas decorations, the laughter and loud chattering of people around him and the ever so familiar smell of popcorn. It’s been ages since he’s been to the movie, but Harry always enjoyed it. Apart from the films, he loves how there is always such a nice and warm atmosphere where people come to have fun, relax or (not so) occasionally make out. 

Harry follows Louis’ lead as he greets the boy at the entrance and immediately walks straight to the foyer. Somehow Louis looks different. It’s not a big change, but big enough for Harry to notice a new found confidence within Louis. Louis walks more upbeat and he doesn’t stare at the ground like he normally does whenever he is around Harry. It’s a pleasant surprise to see such a small change and to know that Louis feels pretty comfortable at work.

As they arrive at the bar Louis goes behind the bar while Harry decides to stay at the ‘visitor’s’ side. 

After finishing up with a costumer, a boy behind the bar turns around and sees Louis. A big smile appears on his face. “Louis!” the boy exclaims excitedly. 

“Liam!” Louis widely smiles back and moves over to Liam to give him a hug. It seems so easy, so comfortable. Harry is kind of perplexed.

“This must be Harry,” Liam inquires with a small smile, eyeing Harry.

Harry nods and moves closer to the bar. “Pleasure to meet you.”

“Hi, I’m Liam,” he introduces himself as he reaches over the bar to shake Harry’s hand.

“What do you think of this amazing cinema?” Liam asks sarcastically. 

“Ah come on Liam, be proud of our local cinema, after all it was the only place that would hire you,” Louis replies teasingly.

“Heyyy,” Liam instantly grunts in mock-annoyance.

Before Harry can answer Liam’s question another boy moves over to Liam and Louis and drapes his arms over their shoulders. Louis instantly flinches, but it’s so short-lived other people wouldn’t even notice it. When Louis turns his head and sees who it is he physically relaxes and smiles. 

All three of them start to talk incoherently and enthusiastically (while Liam occasionally helps out a customer) and Harry can only look, both astonished and relieved, at their interaction. Louis seems almost completely relaxed. He laughs, talks and every now and then even makes a sassy, witty remark. Harry doesn’t know what he is witnessing. He knows that every person is different whenever they are with their friends or with new people, but with Louis it’s a remarkable contrast. Almost like he is an entirely different person. He doesn’t blush or shies away and he doesn’t reply with simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’s’. He does, however, fumble with the hem of his sweater; which Harry noticed he does whenever he is nervous or uncomfortable. Other than that he looks so relaxed and cheerful and Harry loves it. His joyful spirit, along with the twinkles in his eyes makes Harry feel warm and giddy inside. He wants to kiss (fuck, but let’s keep it a bit sophisticated shall we?) him so badly. 

Harry is still staring at Louis in amazement and with a jubilant feeling inside when he suddenly hears a loud cough. Harry quickly turns his head towards the sound and is met with the intense stare of Louis’ friend.

“Hi, I’m Zayn,” Zayn speaks, as he eyes Harry suspiciously.

Harry feels rather uncomfortable under Zayn’s stare but he tries to act nonchalant as he introduces himself to Zayn. “Pleasure, I’m Harry.”

“Aren’t you friends with William?” Zayn questions, eyes still glued to Harry.

Harry nods awkwardly. Somehow this Zayn guy gives him the creeps; a totally different feeling than this Liam, with his warm smile, gave him. Zayn has such sharp (and okay rather beautiful) features, and together with his lips that are pressed into a thin line and the dark gaze he gives Harry, he seems rather scary. 

“And why are you here with Louis?” he bluntly asks. 

“Uhmm… well,” Harry stammers. Normally he never has a problem with speaking his mind or being polite and at ease, but right now it seems like he can’t form a normal sentence. “Louis did.” 

“Louis did what?”

“I invited him Zayn,” Louis tells, joining the conversation. “I thought you knew?”

“Yeah yeah I know,” Zayn mutters. “But what is your intension with Louis?” he asks as he turns his gaze back at Harry.

Louis quickly smacks Zayn’s chest, blushing furiously. “Zayn! Shut it!”

Liam is instantaneously at their side, looking at Harry in anticipation.

Harry blushes, feeling like he’s been put on the spot with Zayn’s question. Liam and Zayn stare at him, awaiting an answer that’s suitable, while Louis all of a sudden looks jittery. 

“Well,” he starts carefully. “I came to the Tomlinson’s because I couldn’t go to my family in England.” Harry can feel their burning gazes as he tries to tell them his intensions with Louis; he tries to keep it casual and friendly and doesn’t talk about his burning desire to kiss Louis. “I like spending time with Louis. I think Louis is amazing. He’s funny, sweet and uhm---.” So far for ‘friendly’. “And yeah… just nice to hang out with him you know?”

Liam quickly smiles at him while Zayn still looks apprehensive as he nods. Louis looks completely startled and the blush on his cheek intensifies, giving him a deep-red colouring on his cheeks. 

Harry quickly asks to go to the loo, trying to get away from this heavy conversation for a moment. Zayn, and even Liam, seem so protective of Louis that they even questioned Harry’s intensions. It made Harry feel rather nervous even though his intensions are all good, maybe not all ‘friendly’ but still… it does make him wonder, over and over, what happened with Louis and why everyone around him keeps protecting him. 

-

When Harry returns from the loo he looks around the cinema for a little while. So far he hasn’t really noticed a lot, far more busy with eyeing Louis. The foyer is decorates with cheesy Christmas decorations, just like the entrance of the building. It looks like Santa bags have exploded all over the place. Reindeers, stockings, snowflakes and other accessories are placed, better yet thrown, all over the foyer. A small Christmas tree is placed in the corner and even the film posters are decorated with lights. He wouldn’t be surprised if they also used Pine scent spray.

He grabs a film program, wanting to read about the films that are currently playing, when Louis is unexpectedly at his side and whispers: “you are probably a big sap, preferring romantic movies and all.” His voice is all warm and light.

Harry moves his head and grins at Louis. “You know me too well.”

Louis shies away by Harry’s answer, but the curves of his mouth form into a smile. It is such a small gesture, such a brief moment, but it is something and Harry can’t help but to feel pretty giddy about it. Quite pathetic right?

“What movie do you recommend for this sap?” Harry asks in a teasing tone.

Louis looks up again, a little less comfortable than a minute ago, but thankfully not completely shocked or scared. “I think you’ll like The Longest Ride.” 

“Yeah?”

Harry is just about to walk to the cash register to get two movie tickets when he feels someone wrap his hand around his wrist. 

Harry immediately turns around, surprised to notice its Louis who grabbed his wrist. It’s the first time Louis has touched him (Harry obviously didn’t keep up with this…) and it feels wonderful to have Louis’ small, slender fingers wrapped around him in a rather firm grip. 

“Uh sorry,” Louis blushes, immediately letting go of Harry’s wrist. Louis is quite noticeable startled by his own action, while the small touch gives a warm, tingling sensation throughout Harry’s body. 

“I just-t,” he stammers. “Y-you don’t have to buy tickets. It’s on the house.”

“Oh thanks, that’s great,” Harry answers with an overjoyed smile, the touch of Louis’ hand on his wrist lingers. 

\-----

“I had fun tonight,” Harry says with pure delight in his voice. Even though there were some awkward moments and they silently watched the whole movie, he wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

“Me too,” Louis replies sincerely, quickly looking up at Harry. 

“And your friends are nice too,” Harry says, not quite adding the part where he was slightly frightened by Zayn’s gaze and questions.

“Yeah they are.”

“You are so comfortable around your friends,” Harry points out. He can practically feel Louis freeze next to him. 

“Sorry, don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I just… I really liked seeing you like that,” Harry admits while he awkwardly rubs the back of his neck. 

Louis doesn’t look at Harry as he whispers: “thank you.” 

When Louis is already out of sight, closing his door, Harry stares at Louis’ door with a sad expression and quietly mumbles: “I wish you were so comfortable around me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you enjoyed this; small progress was made between them yeey! And I hope the ending wasn't too abrupt... 
> 
> I say it almost every chapter (I apologize for that), but please take time to comment, leave kudos and share! The more people that enjoy this and show their 'support' on my story, the more I'm motivated to write for you guys!


	8. Chapter 8

“Thank you for yesterday.” I like you is on the tip of his tongue, but Harry feels like he must be careful with Louis. As if every wrong move or word can scare him away. Harry doesn’t want that, especially now that Louis just became a bit more carefree and comfortable around him. He doesn’t want that to change. Particularly since Harry stay will end in less than a week.

Louis looks up. “No problem, I really enjoyed that.”

“Me too. And your friends seem really nice.” Harry wants to know more about Louis and he feels like this might be his opportunity. Louis seems pretty relaxed. 

“Yeah they are so great,” Louis agrees with a smile. 

They sit at the kitchen table, drinking their teas, eating breakfast and surprisingly having a rather open talk. Harry is so thankful and happy that Louis decided to stay, because apart from some whining and pouting of the little girls, they have this moment together. Just the two of them. Harry is so delighted that they finally interact more, get to know each other better and hopefully can create something special. 

“How did you meet them?” 

“Well I’ve known Liam since primary school. We were in the same class and everything. In high school he became friends with Zayn. I didn’t know what to think of Zayn. To be honest I was a bit frightened, a bit intimidated. But even though he might look tough, he is probably the sweetest guy I know.”

“I never heard you talk so much,” Harry grins happily.

“Oh I’m sorry,” Louis instantly apologizes, looking bashful.

Harry shakes his head. “Oh no don’t!” he explains. “I like it, I like hearing you talk.”

Louis’ eyes widen before he quickly turns his head in shyness. A soft glow spreads on his face, along with a very small smile. “Oh.”

“Can I be honest? I thought Zayn was pretty intimidating too,” he confesses in a hushed voice with a joyful smile on his face.

Louis giggles, he fucking giggles at that and briefly smiles back at Harry. “I’m glad I’m not the only one, but seriously he is an amazing friend.”

Harry nods in agreement. Although he barely knows Zayn or Liam (hell, he still knows so little about Louis) his friends do seem amazing and protective of Louis. And as much as it worries him, it also makes him feel relieved to know that Louis has friends who are there for him. 

“And I heard from Willi-,” Harry begins and in a flash fear appears in Louis’ eyes. “That your neighbor Ellen is one of your best friends,” Harry finishes his sentence and he can literally see Louis relax. Why did he look so terrified when Harry started talking about William? Is he scared that William might have said something to Harry? What could be so terrifying for him to know? What on earth makes him so scared? 

Harry wonders if it’s something about him, but he’s almost certain it can’t be. William told him that Louis is shy with all new people he meets and his mum said that he is going through a rough time. It has nothing to do with Harry, but it appears that he doesn’t want Harry to find out. Harry however does want to know, not only because he’s so bloody curious, but also because he wants to be there for Louis. He wants to help him through his, apparently, difficult time. It’s a realization that hits Harry hard. After merely a week he already cares for Louis, he already wants to be there for him. But as much as he wants that, Louis will never just simply tell him his secret, they need to take little steps. 

Sadly the comfortable vibe is gone; Louis doesn’t answer Harry’s question and is fidgeting with the hem of his sweater, seemingly restless. Harry still wants to try. He's dying to know more about Louis and this Ellen girl. Louis basically spends all his free time with her and whenever Louis comes back he always seems less tense (Harry has really keeping an eye on Louis; creep!). What if they are more than friends? 

Sometimes Harry is positive that Louis is interested in Harry, but other moments he’s not so sure. He could easily (okay not easily, but still) be straight. 

“Is Ellen your girlfriend?”

Louis’ eyes widen, but this time not in fear. He suddenly starts laughing very loudly. 

Harry has never seen Louis laugh so hard and it’s so freaking adorable. It’s cute how he holds his little hand in front of his mouth and how the corners of his eyes crinkle. Harry wants to see this laugh more often; it’s so beautiful and full of life.

“No she isn’t,” Louis answers between laughter.

When Louis eventually stops laughing loudly and Harry finally stops staring, he thinks about Louis’ answer. He seemed so shocked, even repelled, to the idea of this Ellen girl being his girlfriend. Why is that so weird? Is he indeed gay? Or does it have something to do with Ellen? 

Harry really wants to know, just like so many other burning questions he wants answered, but just when he opens his mouth to ask Louis, Johannah walks into the kitchen.

“Hey boys,” she greets them with a smile.

Harry politely smiles back but for the first time it isn’t a genuine smile. 

\----------

When Louis comes home after work, which is only half an hour after dinner had ended, Harry expects him to leave again rather quickly; either to his room or to Ellen as he normally does. Surprisingly he doesn’t leave. He stays downstairs and almost the whole family gathered in the living room they watch television together.

Louis sits down on the same couch as Harry, Phoebe and Daisy. The couch barely fits all of them so they have to squeeze together. Of course, Louis sits on the opposite side of Harry, which much displeasure from Harry who at this moment wants nothing more than to have Louis’ body pressed closely to his.

-

Slowly everyone goes upstairs to sleep. And Harry waits, he waits for Louis to scamper to his room, but it never happens, remarkably. Louis stays until it’s just the two of them.  
They continue to watch television together and occasionally speak or laugh about things that happen on the show that they are watching. It feels so easy and oh so wonderful, but as always Harry wants more. He is craving to do something; restless to talk, kiss and touch.

However he doesn’t do anything until Louis decides to sleep.

Louis turns his body towards Harry and nervously (but with a soft smile on his face) looks at him. “Night Harry,” he whispers lightly.

“Goodnight Louis.” And before Louis has a chance to get up from the couch, Harry moves closer and gives Louis a kiss on his cheek. He feels Louis stiffen around him, body tense, as Harry places a soft kiss on his warm, delicate cheek. 

Before Harry can say or explain anything, Louis stands up and quickly rushes out of the living room. Dammit Louis, why?

What if Louis is indeed straight and he hated Harry for doing this? He still has a few days left; it will make things completely awkward.

Honestly, Harry somehow had the feeling that Louis liked him and more than just as a friend. But what if he had been reading the signals wrong? What if Louis was only trying to be nice?  
Then again… why would he blush whenever Harry compliments him? Why would he blurt out that he likes Harry’s untamed hair? And just overall… the way they sometimes glance at each other; it’s more than just lads, right? 

Harry never had this sort of interaction with any of his male friends. It feels entirely different, but maybe that’s simply because of Harry; because he feels differently about Louis. Maybe it’s just because Harry is already so intrigued with Louis and is seriously starting to like him and he wants Louis to return those feelings.

He would be absolutely gutted if that is the truth, but he realizes that it might be true. Louis might not be interested in Harry at all. 

\-----

After not being able to fall asleep for hours as his mind was in overdrive; overthinking every single bloody thing, he suddenly decides he needs to apologize to Louis. 

Quickly scampering out of bed, he quietly tiptoes around the hallway until he’s in front of Louis’ room. 

Obviously, it’s not the most brilliant idea to apologize to someone in the middle of the night, but Harry just needs to do something. Besides, he’s not going to barge into the room; he’s only going to take a peek to see if Louis might be still awake. 

Unfortunately, no light is shining from under the door. Moving his head closer to the door until his left ear is pressed on the cold door (whoa Harry really does seem like a creep acting like this all the time) he intensely listens for possible sounds coming out of the room. 

Feeling very disappointed, Harry let’s out a deep, unsatisfied sigh; which is louder than anticipated.

The moment Harry steps away from Louis’ door, a very small cough comes from the room. 

Harry quickly spins around and quietly whispers: “Louis?”

“Yeah,” Louis answers softly.

“Can we please speak?” Harry waits patiently (or tries to) by the door. He already feels like he has invaded Louis’ privacy on too many occasions so he respectfully listens to his wish to not enter the room. If Harry would enter in the middle of the night it might cause a lot of drama that he definitely wants to prevent.

Harry doesn’t get a reply from Louis. Is he truly mad at him for the small kiss? Harry hopes not…

His mind is already racing again with different thoughts when all of a sudden the door creaks open. Harry feels his heart drop in shock at the sudden movement.

“Okay we can talk,” Louis agrees in a small, almost vulnerable voice. 

They walk to William’s room and sit down on his bed. As all the other times that Louis has sit next to Harry he is at least ten inches away. Harry hates the distance that Louis keeps, but even though he doesn’t know what is going on with Louis, he does know he can’t expect more of him.

“I’m sorry for the kiss,” Harry instantly apologizes. 

“Okay,” Louis replies with a hint of sadness in his voice.

“I mean,” Harry attempts to explain. “I’m sorry if I made things awkward between us.” He definitely isn’t sorry about the little kiss on the cheek. If he was allowed he would do it again and again.

“Why did you… you know?”

Harry has enough of sneaking around, being careful, so he bravely admits: “because I wanted to.” 

Harry could have beat around the bushes and even apologize for not respecting Louis’ privacy, but honestly he just really wanted to kiss Louis and wanted him to know that.

“I don’t understand,” Louis says in a small voice, shaking his head in confusion. 

“What don’t you understand?” Harry asks, in his turn completely confused and baffled with Louis’ answer.

“That you wanted to kiss me.”

Harry gasps in utter shock and is taken aback with his words. It kills him to hear this, but he is also perplexed. How can he say something like this? How in the world can such a beautiful, amazing and sweet boy not understand why someone wants to kiss him? What happened to him that he is like this?

“Oh Louis,” Harry breathes out with pure sadness in his voice, feeling so sorrowful. He really wants to help Louis, show him how amazing he is: but can he? First of all, is he allowed?

“I’m sorry,” Louis apologizes in shame, voice timid and soft.

“No don’t apologize for this, please. I’m just so confused why you can’t believe that I wanted to kiss you.”

Louis doesn’t answer; instead he stares at the ground. He has a gloomy expression on his face and it seems like he is on the verge of crying.

Harry wants to do so much at this moment. He wants to tell him so much, comfort him and wants to make his pain go away. He wants to make him feel loved, show him how beautiful and amazing he is in Harry’s eyes.

“Can I kiss you again?” Harry asks almost desperately. 

Louis looks up from the ground and with so much fear and uncertainty in his face he eventually nods. 

Harry carefully moves his hands to Louis’ face and folds them around his beautiful, flawless face, feeling Louis tremble under his touch. “You are so, so beautiful,” he whispers gently before he gives Louis a soft kiss on the lips. 

The kiss itself is more like the touch of two mouths softly pressed together. A careful touch of the lips that still causes warmth to spread through Harry’s body. 

It’s such a delicate, simple kiss, but Harry tries to convey so much in this simplicity. He doesn’t want to take it too far for Louis’ sake, so after a few wonderful seconds, he slowly removes his lips from Louis’. 

Louis’ posture is stiff, but he does have a beautiful soft glow on his cheeks and besides the fear and pain in his eyes he now also has a little spark.

“Goodnight Louis,” Harry smiles at him and gently caresses Louis’ cheek for a brief time before he slowly slides his hand away. 

“Night,” Louis replies with a little crack in his voice, tone more high-pitched than usual. 

He quickly moves away, like always. But somehow Harry feels different. This is different. They kissed and it felt wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if there are mistakes. English is not my first language and sometimes I have trouble finding the right words or phrases!  
> Nonetheless, I hope you enjoyed this chapter: they kissed!!! ^^
> 
> I love kudos and comments and I'm really grateful for feedback! So I hope you take the time to tell me what you think!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the extremely late update! I've been so incredibly busy that the moments that I had some spare time, I wasn't able to write and instead just tiredly watched series.  
> But finally here is an update (didn't proofread it, so my apologies if there are errors) and the good news is; it's a very long chapter! I doubted if I should divide it into two chapters and add some things, but eventually I decided not to so that I could post it!
> 
> I really hope you enjoy, I tried my best! Of course... I always try my best... but you get what I'm saying, right?  
> Be a dear and leave kudos and comments, making me smile just like I'll hopefully do for you when you read this chapter!

Two days have passed since the kiss. Although things have undoubtedly changed, they haven’t quite changed as much as Harry thought or better said hoped. 

He doesn’t know what he expected but it was more than small conversations, cute glances and red blushes. It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy all of that, but ever since the little touch of their lips pressed together, Harry wants to kiss Louis again and again. He desires to feel Louis’ soft lips on his own, craves Louis to take his breath away with just one simple kiss. Harry longs to relive that feeling when their lips touched, having electric sparks and feeling excitement in his body. His feelings for Louis have grown exponentially. Every time Harry sees Louis his heart skips a beat and small butterflies develop in his stomach.

Harry knows that if he wants things to change he needs to take the lead, the initiative. Louis is too shy and scared to do or say something. And as much as Harry wants to change it, something is holding him back. And that something is the fact that he doesn’t know how Louis feels about him and he’s been thinking about it for the last couple of days. The fact that Louis barely shows or does anything makes Harry nervous and uncertain. At times Harry is almost positive that Louis likes him as well… why else did he agree to the kiss? Why else did he have a small smile on his face when the kiss ended, looking so happy with little twinkles in his eyes? But other times he wonders if Louis agreed on the kiss because Harry was so desperate for it and he felt sorry for him. 

The thing is, Harry isn’t particular insecure about himself. No, not since he moved to the states. The last two years he has changed a lot and became a lot more confident. Yes, he still wants everyone to like him, but that’s just his persona. He is nice to people and wants to be remembered as that. However, lately he doesn’t care at all if people think he’s weird, or don’t like the way he looks or dresses. He is comfortable with himself, with his body. 

But his desire for Louis is making him feel like that sixteen year old kid again. That kid that questions every single thing about himself. That boy inside him wonders if Louis wants more just like Harry. And sadly the only thing that implicates that is the fact that Louis stays home more frequently. Whenever he doesn’t have to work he stays home for dinner and the last two days he stayed at the kitchen table even after finishing his tea and cereal, extending the conversation until someone else besides Phoebe or Daisy woke up.

“Hi,” Louis greets him quietly, sitting down at the kitchen table opposite Harry.

“Hey.” Harry smiles at Louis with a wide grin, feeling little butterflies in his stomach at the sight of a sleepy, gorgeous Louis. “How did you sleep?”

“Alright, you?” 

“Good, me too,” Harry answers while his mind is saying: ‘just wished we could have kissed each other good night…that’s all’.

Louis gives Harry a brief smile, but stays silent once again. 

“What are you doing tonight?” 

Tonight is William’s New Years’ Eve Party with all his friends from home and University. Except for Louis (and William of course), the whole family is staying with Dan’s parents for two nights. Lottie and Fizzie complained about having to spend New Year with their family, instead of their friends. As they said it: ‘we want to spend it with our friends, like normal people of our age.’ It was quite funny seeing two constantly fighting sisters finally agreeing with each other and instead of fighting each other arguing with their parents. They kept begging to stay home, but it didn’t help for a single bit. In a few hours they still need to go to Dan’s parents. 

Although it was both funny and annoying at times, Harry never understood why teenagers hate to be with their family so much. Harry always enjoyed spending time with his family, even as a grumpy, full of hormones, teenager. 

“Probably going to Ellen,” Louis replies. 

“What about Zayn and Liam?”

“I assume they are going to a party, they always do.”

“Why don’t you invite all of them to William’s party?” Harry quickly suggests, or more or less pleads. 

“What?” Louis replies stunned, looking up at Harry with big eyes. 

“Yeah, you know William is giving a party, why not come along?”

“But why?” Louis asks in a hushed voice.

“Because I want you there,” Harry replies bluntly, speaking clear and confident. And it’s absolutely worth it, seeing Louis’ already shocked face turning bright red and noticing a little gasp escaping his lovely mouth.

Louis sits still for a few seconds, not responding to Harry’s direct confession until he nods and quietly says: “Yeah okay… I can ask them.”

“Brilliant.” Harry smiles satisfied, internally giving himself a pat on the back.

\-----

Harry is in the middle of preparing for the party when Dan stumbles down the stairs, carrying multiply suitcases. Harry quickly moves towards the stairs, helping Dan by taking over some of the suitcases. 

“Thanks Harry.”

“No problem, should I carry them to the car?”

“Yeah great, I probably overestimated my strength,” Dan jokes. 

Harry takes two suitcases and puts them in the backseat of the car. 

“Four suitcases for two nights?” Harry questions. 

Dan laughs. “Well yeah that’s what you get with 5 woman and two new-borns.”

They laugh together and chat for a moment before walking back into the house.

As Harry enters the living room he sees Louis and Jay hug. And he immediately feels like he’s invading a very intimate moment, but he can’t stop staring. Harry is perplexed and at awe with what he sees. Most of the time Jay and Louis seem to argue, but he has never seem them like this, bonding like this, being so close. It’s making Harry like Louis even more, if that is possible, seeing his vulnerable side, seeing how he still needs his mum as well. 

After gazing for a while, he awkwardly rubs his neck and walks past them. He decides to call his own family, since he probably won’t have time for that in a few hours.

-

While speaking with his sister, William’s door suddenly burst open. 

“Harry!” Daisy and Phoebe scream in unison.

Harry chuckles. “Hold on sis.” 

“Harry you need to wave us goodbye, we’re going!”

“I’ll be there in a minute okay? Need to say goodbye to my sister as well.”

“Can we say hello to your sister?” 

“Gem, two little girls wants to say hello okay?”

“LITTLE?” They repeat loudly with a pout, seemingly offended with Harry’s use of words. 

Gemma chuckles through the phone. “Well done little brother. Hi girls!”

“Hi, what’s your name?”

“I’m Gemma, and you are?”

“I’m Daisy!” Daisy replies joyful, already smiling again. 

“And I’m Phoebe and your brother has really nice hair.”

Gemma laughs loudly before agreeing with Phoebe. “He does innit?”

“Yeah and we put little bows and clips in his hair!”

“That’s great, you should really send me a pic.” Harry can hear her smile through the phone; she would really like such an embarrassing picture for leverage. 

“As much as that would be lovely,” Harry interjects with a fond look. “I need to wave the girls goodbye.”

“Alright, talk to you soon little brother.”

“Bye Gem.”

“BYE!” The girls yell enthusiastically.

-

As Harry and Louis wave the family goodbye Harry realizes it’s just him and Louis. Well at least for a couple of hours before the guests arrive. That is if Louis doesn’t quickly run away to his room or Ellen like most of the time. 

“My friends would like to go to the party,” Louis announces the moment the car is out of sight.

Harry quickly turns his head towards Louis. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Great,” Harry replies enthusiastically. “It will be great.” And Harry really has the feeling that it will. It’s the first New Years’ Eve that he will spend without his family, but at the same time it’s the first one in which he feels so excited for a new year, for new chances. Hopefully with Louis in it.

“I can help you with the preparation?” Louis proposes, completely surprising Harry in the most wonderful way possible. 

“Oh that would be wonderful, Will just called that he’s running late, so yeah thanks.”

“No problem,” Louis smiles, turning his body to Harry’s as he stares into his eyes. 

Harry also shifts his body, staring back at Louis who seems almost completely relaxed. 

Harry feels slightly overwhelmed by the sudden intensity between them. Pleasures warmth is spreading through Harry’s body as he gazes into Louis’ beautiful blue eyes. And the only think he wants to do in this moment is lean forward and kiss Louis once more. 

But just as he’s about to take a step forward Louis takes a step back and clears his throat. “I’ll go check in the garage if we have some alcohol.”

\-----

After the brief moment that Harry and Louis shared, things turn back to how it was before. Just small conversations while they run around the house, trying to get everything ready for the party. Harry hates it, hates that they were so close, but not quite there. 

And before Harry can change something about it the doorbell rings. His chance is probably gone, especially now that the guests will slowly arrive. 

Harry opens the door, seeing a grinning Niall with a bottle of vodka in his hand. 

“Harry!” Niall exclaims happily, giving Harry one of his famous ‘bear hugs’, instantly making Harry feel a bit better. They’ve only texted a few times during break, so it’s very nice to see Niall again after almost two weeks. 

“Niall! How’ve you been?”

“Good, good. Stuffed myself with every Christmas food that was available at my parents place and did nothing else but sleep, drink beer and watch sports.”

“As always right?” Harry smirks.

Niall laughs, nodding.

Shortly after, the rest of the guests arrive. Josh, Luke, some hometown friends of William and finally fabulously late: William and Holland.

Normally when William and Holland are together Harry purposely keeps his distance. He didn’t want to say something that he would regret later. Didn’t want William to found out he’s been ogling his girlfriend. 

But thankfully he hasn’t thought about Holland in a few days. His mind was mostly occupied with Louis. However, as she stands in front of him he is still struck by her beauty. Whatever feelings he is developing for Louis, he still feels something when he looks at Holland.

“Hey mate.” William pats Harry’s back. “Everything okay when I wasn’t around?”

Harry nods and grins at his best friend: “totally, didn’t miss you a single minute.” 

William laughs before greeting the rest. 

“Hey Harry,” Holland greets him with a small smile.

Harry nervously smiles back. “Hey Holland.”

Awkwardly they stand in front of each other. Harry tries not to look at her, but she looks so stunning. Her hair is flawless, falling neatly around her perfect face. Her red lipstick matches her amazing hair colour. Overall she just looks breath-taking. 

While ogling Holland, he feels a pair of eyes staring into his head. Harry turns around and notices Louis is watching them. Louis is too far away for Harry to read his emotion, but it still gives him an unnerving feeling inside. 

Harry quickly wraps up the conversation with Holland and moves over to his friends. 

\-----

The party is already in full swing when Louis walks over to Harry, clutching at a girls side. “Hey.”

“Hey, Harry this is Ellen and Ellen this is Harry,” Louis introduces, voice soft and unsteady, most definitely not as relaxed as this morning.

“Oh he is indeed very cute,” Ellen agrees, quickly giving him the once-over.

“Stop!” Louis tries to shush her, instantly going crimson in embarrassment. 

Harry smiles widely at Ellen’s words, knowing that Louis has said this about him to her. It makes him feel amazing, almost like accomplishing a remarkable achievement. Guys definitely don’t say this about each other, unless they like each other in some way. 

“Oh cute? Not amazingly, stunningly hot?” Harry jokes, suddenly feeling a lot more confident knowing that Louis thinks ‘he’s very cute’. 

“Na-ah,” Ellen shakes her head and points at Louis. “That is my boy Louis here.”

“Yes indeed, he is so beautiful.”

Louis shyly ducks his head, looking even more embarrassed if that’s possible, shifting from one leg to the other. 

Harry pulls Louis’ chin up with his index finger, challenging him to look back at him. He stares into Louis’ eyes as he speaks up: “I don’t know why you don’t see it, but you are so incredibly beautiful Louis.”

A few, small tears fall down Louis’ cheek. He seems broken, sad and it kills Harry. Why can’t he see it? What happened with him? Why can’t he tell Harry the truth? Isn’t he trustworthy enough? 

“Not as beautiful as Holland,” Louis suddenly blurts out, anger seeping through his voice.  
And before Harry can even properly process the words, Louis is already moving away from Harry, along with Ellen.

He is completely taken aback by Louis’ little outburst. What was that about? Is he jealous of Holland?

\-----

Not even two hours later Harry is already pretty wasted. He kept thinking about Louis’ little outburst, his jealousy. His mind kept racing with questions and as much as he wanted them answered he couldn’t find Louis anymore. And quite frankly, Harry didn’t know how to handle it and what to do about it.

After a while of moping, he decided he wanted and needed to forget all his thoughts. It’s time to have fun; drink and laugh with his mates and simply enjoying life. Having moments where he can be himself and where he doesn’t wonder about everything. 

That’s how he ended up feeling tipsy from all the beers and vodka he consumed.

Harry moves back inside, wanting another drink; wanting to feel completely hammered so he can stop thinking about Louis, Holland or whatever. 

As he moves back inside the house he notices that basically everyone is outside, probably waiting for the fireworks. He only sees two friends of William talking near the stereo and Louis. Louis alone, with his head down, sitting on the couch with his hands neatly folded together. He looks so stunning like this, so vulnerable, so small. He is such a beautiful, small creature and Harry just really wants to touch him. But yet, even though he looks amazing, he also seems sad. And Harry hates the feeling that it gives him, knowing how sad this wonderful boy is. He completely forgets about his previous decision of getting drunk and having fun. Having fun and forgetting everything is definitely not on his mind right now. Louis is. 

All he wants is to make this boy happy, wants to make him smile. And together with the alcohol in his system, he really, really wants to kiss him. 

Harry ungraciously plops down next to Louis on the couch, breathing heavily until Louis looks up at him. He moves his head until his face is just a few inches away from Louis’. They stare at each other with an intense gaze. 

“I really like to kiss you.” Harry says bluntly. The alcohol in his body is making him brave, or stupid; depending on Louis’ reaction. Harry waits in restless anticipation, hands fidgeting. Fidgeting to touch Louis’, roam his beautiful body with his fingers, making him feel warm and loved. 

“O-okay,” Louis quietly agrees. 

Without any more words Harry breaks the distance and moves his lips to Louis’. At first it is just a touch of the lips, which already makes Harry’s stomach flip. Just the touch of Louis’ soft lips gives him tingling sensation all over his body. 

Even in his practically drunken state Harry is still careful and cautious. He doesn’t want to scare Louis away by forcing his tongue in his throat. He lets Louis take the lead, wherever he wants to take it, Harry will go with him.

For a long time they just have their lips pressed together, occasionally they let loose and give each other a new peck on the lips. It’s just a very simple, easy kiss, but very enjoyable. It’s an exploring kiss. Just like the first kiss.

Luckily for Harry Louis deepens the kiss by moving his lips in a more eager way. He moves and presses his lips even closer, almost aggressively. Harry places his hand on Louis’ neck and surprisingly Louis doesn’t freeze or tense up. Harry hums in joy. 

As they move their lips together, having longer, stickier kisses, Harry can’t help but to open his mouth. Louis carefully enters inside. It feels hesitant at first, but slowly more at ease and daring. Harry moves along with Louis as he enters his mouth as well and their tongues touch briefly. It feels so amazing and warm. Harry feels flushed.

Louis’ taste and touch off his lips along with the alcohol buzzing through Harry’s body is making Harry more eager, more wanting. He moves his hand from Louis’ neck and let it slide to Louis’ amazing thigh, wanting to squeeze the soft flesh.

Louis immediately freezes up and in a swift moment he breaks the kiss and quickly walks away, leaving Harry wanted and confused.


	10. Chapter 10

Harry wakes up with a splitting headache, feeling nauseous and dizzy. 

As quietly as possible, trying not to wake William or Holland, he gets out of bed. His head immediately starts to spin and it’s not only because of the alcohol from the previous night. Quick like a flash, memories from yesterday start to reappear. Well… it’s obviously not something he can easily forget.

Last night Harry was pretty wasted. Basically all he wanted to do the whole night was to kiss Louis. He really wanted to kiss him so badly. And finally, finally they kissed. Harry didn’t even think about the fact that William or someone else could have seen them. And even if they did, they were probably too wasted to notice them kissing. The kiss itself was amazing. Along with the buzzed feeling of the alcohol in his system, it felt like the warmest place and most wonderful thing on earth. The kiss intensified rather quickly, tongues and little bites got involved. It was all amazing, until Harry touched Louis’ thigh. Louis immediately froze up and sprinted off to his room.

Harry was so utterly confused and yet so horny. It definitely wasn’t the best mix, especially when not even 5 minutes later Harry had to celebrate the beginning of the New Year.   
Fireworks exploded in the air, people were cheering and Harry just stood there, without Louis to celebrate with. 

Liam and Zayn partied along with the rest of the group, but Harry noticed that Ellen wasn’t with them. She probably went to Louis and comforted him, like she always seems to do. And in that moment, as everyone was wishing each other a happy new year, Harry felt irritated. Irritated with himself, Louis and Ellen. He wanted to be the one that could comfort Louis, not this Ellen girl. It made him feel agitated and he became even more pissed off when not even Niall’s enthusiasm could change his mood. 

So the minute nobody was watching him, he quickly escaped and went to his room (taken a bottle of vodka with him) in an attempt to get completely wasted and drunkenly falling in sleep. 

Harry rubs his temples, trying to soothe his thoughts and his nausea. Taking a glance at the clock, he notices that it’s still rather early. 

Although he feels sick and prefers to take a long shower, he really wants to go downstairs where he might run into Louis. The thing is, it’s not even about wanting anymore, it’s something he needs. It’s like a part of him is captivated by Louis and his lovely face and small, but divine body. Obsessed with his cute, funny personality and his witty remarks whenever he feels at ease. And he’s also fixated with knowing the truth, with being trusted by Louis and most of all: by being with Louis. 

He has never felt such strong feelings about anyone in his life and although it slightly scares him, it mostly makes him feel extremely excited and happy.

-

He walks downstairs, taking a glimpse at the living room and instantly getting overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol and nacho cheese. It’s making him feel even more nauseous if that is possible. 

Harry chuckles at the sight of his friends. Niall is loudly snoring, hand covering Josh’s face and Luke is passed out on the couch. And some other people Harry barely knows lie flatly on the cold, hard ground or on a towel. It’s the typical sight after an American party.

He enters the kitchen and is more or less surprised to see Louis. 

Trying to act normal, Harry sits down and greets Louis: “Hey.” 

Louis quickly looks up with wide, scared eyes. He mumbles a soft ‘hello’ in return before he stands up from his seat, ready to sprint off again.

“Stop!” Harry is not letting that happen this time. They have made so much progress and they only have two more days left. Harry doesn’t want it to be like the first days: awkward and avoidance from Louis. “No Louis. Don’t go. Please talk.”

Louis doesn’t walk further away, but he also doesn’t sit down again. He frantically fumbles with the hem of his sweater, looking more anxious than Harry has ever seen him.

“What happened?”

It takes time for Louis to respond, but eventually he does. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But why?” Harry questions confused. “I don’t get it, please explain it to me.”

Louis shakes his head. He doesn’t answer.

Harry sighs. He doesn’t want this and honestly doesn’t understand it. What happened? 

“Do you regret kissing me back?” Harry asks cautiously. 

Louis still plays with the hem of his sweater and is silent yet again. 

Harry waits for Louis to speak up when he hears someone coming down the stairs. 

“Please Louis. Tell me,” Harry pleads impatiently.

Louis looks up and breathes, seemingly ready to speak, but no words come out of his mouth.

“Please tell me,” Harry begs. 

“Tell you what?” William asks casually as he appears in the room.

Dammit. Harry can’t tell William. He can’t know that Harry likes his twin brother.   
Why does William have to ruin the moment? He never wakes up before noon or speaks before he has his coffee! And while Harry tries to hide his obvious irritation, Louis quickly flees the room.

“Oh it’s nothing,” Harry shrugs indifferent, although feeling restless. He needs to talk to Louis. Louis can’t keep avoiding him.

\-----

After all the guests (Harry doesn’t include himself, he hardly feels like a guest at the moment) have left the house, William, Harry and Holland cleaned up most of the mess. Afterwards Harry showered and can now finally tolerate some food in his stomach.

He eats together with William, while Louis has still locked himself in his room and Holland is in the showers or perfecting her hair.

“So what’s in the planning for today?” His irritation with William is long gone. He hasn’t seen his best friend in over a week and it’s nice to have him by his side again. Especially now that Louis doesn’t even want to talk to him. 

“Well,” William awkwardly scratches his neck, looking at Harry with an apologetic look. “Holland wanted to start the New Year with something fun and she has to get home tonight, so we decided to go ice-skating. But hey,” William continues suddenly excited. “You could join us!”

“But isn’t it supposed to be a romantic first date of the New Year?”

“Well yeah maybe,” William agrees. “But seriously. I asked you to come here for the Holidays and I’ve barely been here and now that I’m finally here again I-,”

“Hey, hey,” Harry interrupts. “It’s okay really. I’m a big boy,” he teases.

William softly chuckles. “I know, but still… feel like such a shitty friend.”

“Don’t,” Harry states firmly. “If I really had a problem with it you would have known.”

“Yeah?” William questions.

“Yeah,” Harry nods and continues. “I really like your family and I really enjoyed it here.” The main reason why Harry has enjoyed his time here is upstairs in his room, avoiding a certain conversation that Harry really wants to have. 

“Okay,” William smiles relieved. “But mate, you can still come along! It will be fun!”

“I could ask Louis?” 

William looks surprised for a brief moment, but his expression quickly fades and turns into a small smile. “Yeah you could ask him,” William nods. “But I doubt he will go. He hasn’t skated for years.” 

“I’ll ask him,” Harry smiles, instantly feeling a lot happier; just by the prospect of ice-skating with Louis. 

\-----

When Harry comes down the stairs with a shy Louis behind him, William seems completely surprised; mouth open in pure shock. “How on earth did you do that?” William questions, shaking his head in confusion.

“Just the power of my persuasion,” Harry responds with a sly grin, feeling immensely proud of achieving this. He won’t tell William how hard it was too convince Louis. He had to promise to keep it casual, not talk about the previous night or question anything whatsoever. As long as he agreed on those rules, Louis hesitantly and reluctantly agreed on ice-skating. 

“It’s great you’re going with bro,” William smiles at his brother. 

Louis briefly smiles back, nodding his head. 

“Alright let’s go,” Holland announces.

William sits at the driver’s seat and Holland sits down in the seat next to him. Harry and Louis take their place at the back. Of course all different thoughts run through Harry’s mind, but he tries to minimize them, especially the more dirty ones. He doesn’t want to get aroused, doesn’t want to embarrass himself.

Louis has his hands folded on his lap, just like the night before. But thankfully he doesn’t look sad, only slightly scared. 

Holland turns her body towards Harry, while William is driving, and she asks him a few questions. It’s just small talk, but for Harry it’s so much more than that. And for the first time that’s not in a good way. All he can think about as he is talking with Holland is Louis’ stare and Louis’ sudden outburst from the night before. Harry doesn’t want Louis to think that he likes Holland, doesn’t want him to get the wrong impression. So he tries to keep his answers as short as possible and he doesn’t ask questions in return like he normally does. He’s probably the least polite he has ever been in his life, but it’s all for a good cause. 

When Holland finally gets the hint or is bored with asking questions, she turns her head again and plays with the radio.

Harry turns his attention towards Louis. Louis has a frown on his face and he is staring at his hands. He seems really deep in thought.

After much deliberation Harry finally asks: “when was the last time you skated?” He rather wants to talk about something else or wants to tell Louis again and again how gorgeous he is, even more beautiful than Holland, but with Holland and William in the front seat that wouldn’t be such a great idea…and that is putting it mildly.

Louis quickly looks up. “Uhh…I don’t know, probably when I was seven or so.”

“Yeah, mum always took us skating when we were younger,” William interrupts. “We’re here!”

\-----

“You didn’t tell me that Redding also had a local ice-skate ring. You guys really have everything here,” Harry says playfully, as he puts on his skates.

Louis smiles back. “Oh yes, what more do you want than a local ice-skate ring, bowling alley and cinema?”

“Precisely,” Harry smiles fondly before carefully stepping on the ice.

-

Harry might have impressed Louis with his bowling skills; he certainly doesn’t impress him with his skating skills. He’s like Bambi on ice, all wobbly and uncoordinated. It’s bloody awful. 

Thankfully it makes Louis feel more at ease, or at least it seems so. He’s smiling at Harry and his clumsiness. 

Harry and Louis skate near each other (both trying not to fall flat on their bums) while they have a simple, but lovely conversation. Louis answers in complete sentences, asks Harry questions and occasionally laughs. It’s almost like before the kiss: easy, fun and nice. And even though Harry has a lot of questions and wants to kiss Louis a lot, he’s mostly happy that they have fun together. Seeing Louis happy and relaxed around Harry is an amazing feeling. 

Harry quickly looks at William and Holland, seeing them smile and laugh together. All of a sudden Holland does a pirouette. She spins very gracefully while her long, red hair is moving along. Harry is very impressed.

“She’s very good isn’t she?” 

Harry cringes at Louis’ question, feeling annoyed with himself for looking, even if it was only a split second. Harry should be allowed to watch Holland, but he’s trying to get closer to Louis, letting Louis know he likes him. Louis already has so much trouble being himself, expressing himself. It will only be worse if he thinks Harry is (still) infatuated with her, when in fact his affection for Holland has clearly faded.

Holland skates further away and William is trying to chase her. This is Harry’s time to speak up.

“Yeah Holland is good at skating and she’s beautiful, but honestly not as beautiful as you are.”

As Harry says those words, Louis almost falls down on his skates, losing balance. But he manages to stay upright, looking confused and baffled. 

Harry knows he just crossed a line, after Louis’ specifically asked him to keep it 'light', but he just can’t help it. He needs to tell him. 

“Please stop,” Louis begs quietly but in a pleading voice. 

“Okay, but I want you to know that I don’t like Holland.” And finally he can say this without lying. He doesn’t like Holland anymore; he is starting to fall for Louis.

Louis hums, but he still doesn’t seem to believe him.

“Okay I can’t say I didn’t like her a little bit,” Harry admits. “But that’s completely over.”

“Alright,” Louis shrugs, seemingly unaffected.

Harry skates closer to Louis, stopping in front of him. Harry intently stares at Louis as he speaks: “I don’t like her, I like you.”

Louis gasps loudly and this time he does lose his balance completely, falling flat on his bum.   
Harry tries to sit down gracefully next to Louis, of course without succeeding in a graceful manner: he more or less falls down on the ice with a loud thud. 

“I like you,” he repeats again.

Louis turns his head to look at Harry, blushing furiously. 

Harry doesn’t move closer, but he extends his hand and places it on Louis’ open palm.   
Feeling Louis’ flinch next to him and already slightly pulling his hand away from where Harry is touching him, Louis sighs very deeply and instead of pulling further away, keeps his hand in place. Harry hums in delight. 

They sit there for a moment in complete silence, palms of their hands touching.

Harry doesn’t hear the screaming people around him, or sees the failed attempts of people skating. All he can feel is Louis’ soft skin on his own and the electric, warm sparks through his body. The only thing he sees is Louis’ blue eyes that twinkle with joy and his sharp cheekbones that are reddened immensely. 

Harry beams. He feels like it’s the start of something beautiful and amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know... Ice-skating is completely cliché, but it just came to me when I started writing so I continued with it!  
> And even though it was cliché, I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless!
> 
> Thank you all so much for the kudos; I really appreciate it! And thanks for the few people that show their support through comments (comments really make my day!)
> 
> If you liked this; please take a moment to leave kudos or comments and share this with others ^^


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments and all the kudos! I just got back from my vacation yesterday when I saw it! It made me smile so widely! I'm so happy people seem to enjoy this fic :)  
> I wanted to write as quickly as possible so here is a new chapter! Hope you enjoy it!

“HARRY!” Phoebe screams, waving her hand in front of Harry’s face. “It’s your turn!”

“Oh sorry,” Harry immediately apologizes, swiftly turning his head from where he was staring at Louis. 

He takes a look at the game, but honestly feels lost. He doesn’t know what on earth he is doing or even where his battlefield token (which reminds him of the Titanic) is. He’s been much busier with eyeing Louis instead of paying attention to the game. 

After their little moment together yesterday on the ice (in which the world cliché like, felt like it had stopped for a brief time) things have changed for the better. Louis didn’t have to work today and not only did he decide to stay home, he even initiated to so something together. Okay, maybe not exactly alone together; he proposed a board game with the rest of the family, in which Phoebe and Daisy excitedly agreed on. Jay looked so delighted that Louis had proposed it that she agreed as well. So maybe, it wasn’t something together, but it still felt like a huge step.

Harry spots his token and tries to concentrate on the game for a bit. He rolls the dice and takes the 5 steps he’s required to do, landing on Pennsylvania Avenue (in England they call it Bond Street and Gemma always wanted Bond Street just because it sounded so cool). 

Before he can even properly look if the street is still available to buy, Louis enthusiastically screams: “yes that’s my property! You have to pay!” 

Harry looks up at Louis and his almost lovely, childish behaviour with a soft smile. They stare at each other for a longer period of time than probably necessary or even appropriated. 

The moment Jay chuckles, Harry quickly averts his gaze from Louis to Jay. She has a small smile on her face as she glances at Harry. Harry feels slightly uncomfortable as Jay is watching him, almost like she knows something is up. It wouldn’t even surprise Harry if she did notice something. Harry really tried to be subtle, but he simply couldn’t take his eyes off of Louis.

Harry clears his throat before speaking: “how many?”

Louis seems disoriented for a moment, a beautiful colour on his sharp cheekbones. “Uhm… it’s only 23 dollars.”

“Alright.” 

As Harry hands Louis the money, Louis lets his fingers linger for a brief moment while shyly smiling at Harry. It feels so cute and innocent, but yet so hot and flirtatious at the same time. It’s oh so lovely and Harry feels goose bumps erupt all over his body.

\-----

Harry sits at the couch with Doris on his lap, softly bouncing his knees up and down, creating a rocking motion for the baby, who is smiling brightly. 

It’s his last night at the Tomlinson’s house and Harry is absolutely gutted his time here is almost finished. Not only is it the end of the Holidays and the start of a new semester with difficult lectures and tests, it’s also the last night that he can spend with this wonderful family. Almost instantly he felt at home, partly thanks to the little girls. The whole family accepted him in a heartbeat, enjoying spending time with him. It was overwhelming in the nicest way possible. He loved every moment he shared with them.

But above all he’s absolutely gloomy and bitter because it also means it’s his last night with Louis. 

In the two weeks he’s been here so much has changed for Harry. He didn’t think he could get over his little crush at Holland within those weeks and he certainly didn’t imagine he would develop a crush for a gorgeous boy who happens to be his best friend’s twin brother. Yikes.

“It’s time for bed young girl,” Dan speaks, carefully taking Doris from Harry’s lap, while Jay takes Ernest who is lying on a baby blanket, playing with Louis’ hands. He seems completely mesmerized by Louis’ hands and Harry can completely understand Ernest obsession with his dainty, lovely hands. 

“And I’m knackered,” Dan admits while a loud yawn escapes his mouth.

“Yeah me too, that’s what you get when you stay at your parents’ house for two days!” Jay replies with a snicker.

Dan agrees a little too eagerly, making Harry chuckle. 

“Goodnight boys,” Jay smiles, waving at the boys with Ernest tiny hand. 

“Goodnight!” 

They walk upstairs and the room all of a sudden seems so quiet. It takes a few seconds for Harry to realize that he’s alone with Louis. Everyone is upstairs, including William who is skyping (or god knows what he’s exactly doing) with Holland in his room.

It’s just like a few nights ago, when they were alone in the living room as well. That was one of Harry’s favourite times in the house. It was nothing spectacular. They just watched some shows and talked (more or less gossiped) about the shows they were watching. But he loved it because it felt so easy and so domestic in a way. 

He’s really going to miss that, along with so many other things. He’s just really going to miss Louis, a lot. He’s going to miss everything about him. 

He wants to talk to Louis, but he’s not sure if Louis is ready for that. Harry wants to know what will happen after this. Will something happen? Does Louis want something to happen?  
As much as he has shown an interest in Harry or at least shown something, he hasn’t returned Harry’s words. It’s not that he needs to say he likes him back, Harry doesn’t even expect him to do, but it would be nice, it would feel so nice. 

At the same time Harry turns around to speak to Louis, Louis turns around and takes Harry’s hand and pinches it.

It takes Harry completely by surprise, but in a very, very good way. He’s at a loss for words, staring at Louis with a dumbfounded expression.

“We could watch a movie together?” Louis softly proposes, while he continues to hold his own hand in Harry’s. 

“Yeah,” Harry breathes out, nodding frantically.

When the initial shock is gone, Harry slightly elevates Louis’ hand to tangle their fingers together. 

Louis quickly spins around and looks at their entwined hands with a joyful smile.

They share a brief gaze, beaming fondly at one another.

-

Harry had no intention of going to bed after the first movie came to an end. He stayed up as long as possible, wanting to spend as much time with Louis as he could. 

It seemed like Louis had the same idea because he proposed a second movie, even though he was yawning aloud and already looked freaking exhausted during the first movie. Harry obviously and eagerly agreed to a second film, even if it was just to feel Louis close to him.   
Their hands stayed linked during the entire first movie (with the exception when Louis had to pee). With his thumb, Harry occasionally brushed over Louis’ soft little hand; lightly caressing it and feeling Louis shiver in response. 

Halfway through the second film Louis got so sleepy that his head fell to the side. He tried to stay upright, but his eyes kept falling shut and his head kept dropping.

It took a total of three times before Louis agreed to Harry’s proposition. Louis placed his head on Harry’s shoulder and almost immediately fell asleep. 

Harry didn’t watch a single minute of the movie. He just embraced the feeling of Louis so close to him. Giving him all these butterflies in his stomach as he watched Louis’ sleeping face; utterly cute and soft and so peaceful.

\----------

Harry wearily awakes after having barely slept. His mind kept racing, but this time not with worry, but simply because he was so freaking energetic and ecstatic. He has never experienced this sort of feelings before. These feelings for someone where a single touch lights him on fire, where a single smile melts his heart and where one soft ‘hi’ makes him weak at the knees. It’s unbearable but yet the most amazing feeling in the world. It literally feels like his heart is exploding out his chest, as if his heart has grown immensely. 

 

As every morning he walks towards the bathroom to brush his teeth and tame his hair. 

Opening the door, Harry is surprised to see Louis in the bathroom. 

“Oh,” is all that comes out of Harry’s mouth before Louis slams the door in his face with a terrified look. 

Harry shakes his head, feeling particular confused. He only saw Louis for a split second, but he knows he saw something, something odd. But it all happened so fast that his brain couldn’t process the images. What happened? Louis immediately slammed the door shut and Harry has no clue what the fuck just happened. He simply stands there completely flabbergasted at this early hour.

“Sorry,” Harry apologizes to Louis. They might have gotten closer together, but Louis is still very shy. Apparently so shy that he doesn’t want Harry to see him in barely any clothes (well Harry suspects that’s the reason, but he isn’t sure).

Why is Louis so uncomfortable with his own body? He is so perfect, why is he ashamed to show his body to Harry? To let Harry touch his body?

Lately Louis always reacts when Harry speaks to him, but this time he doesn’t respond. With a frown on a face, Harry stares at the door. 

“What is wrong?” he asks confused. 

At first he doesn’t hear a single sound, until all of a sudden he hears Louis sniffing. Is Louis crying? Why? 

“Louis? What is wrong? Can you please open the door?” Harry asks him carefully but slightly in panic.

“No,” Louis replies in a whispered, broken tone.

“Why? What is wrong?” Harry begs again, feeling so confused and distressed.

“Just go,” Louis speaks softly, between small hiccups.

Harry’s eyebrows are furrowed and he shakes his head. “I don’t want to go, I want to help.”

“Please just go,” Louis pleads, sounding so desperate.

After a lot of doubt Harry finally agrees. He doesn’t know what else to do than follow Louis’ pleading request. 

“Okay, but if there is anything I can do, please tell me?” 

Somehow those words appear to make it worse, more soft cries and even sobs come from the bathroom. 

It breaks Harry’s heart and it almost makes him want to break the door. He wants to be there for Louis, but apparently Louis needs his time alone. Harry doesn’t want to give him time alone, not like this. And this is his last day at the Tomlinson’s before he has to go back to University. He wants to spend today with Louis.

\----------

After saying goodbye to the family Harry puts his suitcase in the trunk, staring at Louis’ window. Harry hasn’t seen Louis all day. He has locked himself in his room and didn’t even come out of it for lunch. 

Harry can’t stop thinking about what happened this morning. He really wants to know what happened, but most of all he wants to see Louis before he goes away, which will be in only a few minutes.

William knows that Harry and Louis have become closer, but he isn’t aware how close they really became. It’s not like Harry feels ashamed to tell him, he is however afraid for William’s reaction. Besides, it’s not like Harry and Louis are dating. Harry doesn’t even know what they are but he does know that whenever he’s around Louis he gets this tingle feeling inside of him.

“All ready?” Jay asks Harry.

“Huh?” he replies absentmindedly. 

Jay chuckles. “I asked if you are ready to go.” 

“We are!” William speaks, patting Harry’s shoulder.

“Thank you for letting me stay here, I really enjoyed it.” 

“It was my pleasure,” Jay responds with a loving smile. “You are welcome here whenever you want.” 

“Thanks,” Harry replies, still staring at Louis’ bedroom. 

“Will, just one moment okay? I need to pee,” he mumbles and before one of them can reply he walks back in the house and goes upstairs. With strong determination he walks to Louis’ room and knocks on the door.

“Louis?” he half-whispers. 

No answer.

“Louis I don’t know what happened, but I need to go and I really want to say goodbye to you before I leave,” Harry explains.

“Goodbye,” Louis calls from his room.

Harry sighs deeply and runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. He doesn’t want this (whatever this is) to end like this. But sadly Louis seems to have different thoughts about it.

“Okay,” Harry eventually says reluctantly. “Goodbye Louis.” 

With a very unpleasant feeling in his stomach he walks back downstairs and goes outside. 

“That was a long wee mate,” William teases with a grin on his face. 

Harry faintly smiles back at him. He is too tired to react. Too confused and truthfully hurt. 

He waves at the family and gives a last hug to Phoebe and Daisy. 

The moment he opens the front door of the car he hears someone calling his name very loudly. Louis. 

Harry quickly spins around with a newfound happiness. 

Louis runs up to Harry. “I’m sorry,” Louis quietly apologizes, partly out of breath. 

“It’s okay,” Harry nods. “I’m happy you decided to come.”

“Yeah, I-i…” Louis begins unsure and frowns. 

“Hey it’s okay, you don’t need to explain, but I would like to keep in contact if you want that too?” 

“Yeah I would like that,” Louis admits relieved. 

“Should I give you my number than?” Harry asks.

“Yeah right,” Louis shakes his head, softly giggling. He takes his phone out of his jeans pocket and waits for Harry to tell his number. 

“Are you ready Harry?” William asks impatiently, already packed and ready to drive off.

“Yeah yeah in a minute,” Harry mumbles, quickly turning his attention back to Louis to give him his number.

“Okay,” Louis nods as he puts the number in his phone.

“So I’ll talk to you soon I guess?”

They smile at each other for a moment and Harry just really needs to do something. He doesn’t know when he’ll see Louis again and he just desperately wants to touch him (not like that you perve). Without any warning he closes the distance and hugs Louis tightly. Louis immediately freezes in his touch and inhales a shaky breath. 

Breaking the hug, Harry softly brushes Louis’ hand. “Bye Lou,” he says sweetly; both of them not even noticing the nickname that slipped out of Harry’s mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last chapter at the Tomlinson's house :( (well for now at least). But much more will happen!


	12. Chapter 12

Harry and William arrive back at the dorm and immediately walk to their room to put down their suitcases. What normally feels as a second home now feels as a very cramped and cold room. It’s just a plain and smelly room with too much crap all over the small place. And even though the place is packed, it feels lonely. Sighing deeply, Harry sits down on his bed. He doesn’t feel even a tiny bit of relief being back here. All he wants is to go back to the Tomlinson’s house. To Louis. 

Absentmindedly playing with his phone, Harry awaits a message from Louis. He knows he seems rather desperate, waiting for Louis to text him, but he just simply can’t help himself but think of Louis.

Louis froze when in the spur of the moment Harry decided to hug him. He simply couldn’t leave without doing, showing something. And as much as he is saddened Louis stiffened and left a shaky breath, the sensation he felt when Louis came storming out of the house for him is overpowering. It’s such an amazing and powerful feeling that he wants to embrace.

-

A few hours of waiting have passed in which Harry had randomly scrolled through his phone, ate snacks to ease his nerves and even unpacked his suitcase: purely because he was so bored out of his mind. 

Nervously and restlessly he repositions his body for the umpteenth time. He still doesn’t have a text from Louis and he simply can’t wait anymore.

“Hey, did you get a text from your brother?” 

“Louis? What for?” William questions with a frown, while he keeps his gaze on his laptop.  
“Oh, just curious,” Harry shrugs, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. “Maybe asking if you arrived safely you know?”

William derives his attention from his laptop and turns his sight to Harry. “What are you on about mate? Why would he ask me that?”

Harry shrugs again. “Just some weird habit I’ve got from home. My sister always texted me,” he answers casually. And it isn’t even a lie. 

“Oh,” William replies, turning his attention back to his laptop.

\----------

After a day back at the dorms (and sadly only one day before college starts again) he still hasn’t gotten a text from Louis. Harry tried not to think or fuzz about it, which obviously resulted in that his mind was constantly occupied with it. The fucking logic.

He kept wondering why Louis hasn’t texted yet: is he too scared to text first? Does he even really want to text? What if he was just being polite? 

On top of everything he also beat himself up for being so incredibly stupid to not have asked Louis’ number in return. He was in such a happy daze, feeling so fantastic that his brain turned to mush. He couldn’t think clearly, all he could do was smiling brightly at Louis.  
Besides, William was waiting impatiently for Harry to come and instead of taking a few more minutes to be with Louis he hurried back to the car. Stupid, stupid Harry. 

All of this is making him feel anxious and that is the last thing he needs right now. He needs to focus on preparing for the new semester. He shouldn’t keep thinking about Louis and the goddamn text he hasn’t send yet.

After much deliberation Harry decides he just needs to ask William for Louis’ phone number. It’s not like he is forbidden to have his twin brother’s phone number. Aside from Harry’s feelings, he feels like he has made a new friend.

-

When William finally arrives after 25 minutes with Chinese take-out, Harry immediately gets to the point. “Can I have Louis’ phone number?”

“What?” William asks, for a moment taken aback by the question as he holds two large bags with food. Before answering he dumps the take-away boxes on to the small side table between their beds and plops down on his own bed. “Why do you want his number?”

There is a small hint of suspicion in his voice, which considering Harry’s weird, restless behaviour probably isn’t so abnormal.

Harry sniffs and in mock-pain he says: “well when you left me all alone I-.”

“You said you didn’t mind!” William immediately cuts him off.

Harry chuckles. “I didn’t mind, I was just teasing you. But I did get more in touch with your brother,” he explains. More in touch… yeah you could say that. “He’s really nice,” Harry adds.

William smiles at Harry’s words as he takes a box with noodles out of a bag and removes the lid. “Yeah he is. Here.” He takes his phone out of his pocket and throws it near Harry.

Just in time, he catches the phone and immediately searches for Louis’ number. 

When he finds his number he quickly puts it in his contact list, smiling relieved.

Harry doesn’t want to be too pushy or seem like a creep, but after all the anxiety he felt, along with cravings for food thanks to the wonderful smell of Chinese take-away, he decides to text Louis.

_Hey Lou, I got your number from Will. We arrived safely. How are you? X H._

Harry tried to send a rather casual text, but still gave his signature X. It’s something he does with everyone. He nervously bites on his lower lip, waiting for a reply. 

In the meantime he tries to eat some food along with William. He still glances every few seconds on his phone to see if Louis has texted him back yet.

\----------

When Harry wakes up, shutting off his alarm on his phone, he sees he has three new messages. He quickly unlocks his phone; bright light piercing painfully on his eyes. With squinty eyes, he tries to read the texts while still feeling rather sleepy.

The first message is from his mother: _Dusty want to kep his Christmas collar with the litttle bells. Every time I try to take it off he backs duwn!_

Harry quietly chuckles at his mother’s message, completely visualizing his mother while typing this text. 

_The second message is from Gemma: Mum ws a bit drunk yday. I took care f it by drinking along! U r kay lt br? X_

He will answer them in a moment, but first he has to see who has sent the last message.  
With much relief he looks at Louis’ name on the screen, so thankful he replied.

After he ate his dinner and constantly checked his phone he decided to ignore it and focus on preparing for his first lecture. It took him some effort at first, but eventually he was so engrossed with the chapters he needed to read that he completely forgot about his phone. He fell asleep reading about criminal law. 

Eagerly, suddenly feeling wide awake, he opens the message. Without having read a single word a small smile appears on his face.

_That’s good!! Took some time to arrive though._

Harry grins at Louis’ cheeky reply. He ponders for a moment about the right way to answer.

_Well yeah… I waited in the car until you would text me if I had a safe trip. Since you didn’t and I was starving, I decided to go inside anyway. X H._

He isn’t quite sure how he feels about his text. He tries to be funny and witty himself, but somehow he always messes that up.

Harry doesn’t instantly get a reply back so he quickly sends another one: _I was only joking of course!_

He waits for the screen to light up, showing him he has a new message, when he hears loud pounding at the door. 

“LADS!” Niall screams. “It’s time for your first lecture of the semester!” 

William groans in his sleep. Great way for William to start his day: no coffee and a screaming Niall. 

Harry walks to the door (which he reaches within a couple of footsteps) to stop Niall’s constant pounding.

“Oi,” Harry says. 

“Morning,” Niall replies with a smug smile. “Ready for your lecture?”

Raising his right eyebrow Harry asks: “Why are you in such a great mood?”

Niall walks past Harry and plops down on William’s bed, leaning his body against William and getting another irritated groan from him in response.

“Oh just great morning sex,” he says self-satisfied.

Harry rolls his eyes at Niall; he so didn’t have to hear that.

“Great,” Harry replies sarcastically.

“It was amazing. We hadn’t seen each other with the Holidays you know? So we were like hungry wolfs, ready to pounce.”

Okay Harry so didn’t want to know that. “Thank you for the information, but I think I can live without hearing about your amazing sex life.”

“But it’s the only action you get, so let me tell you.”

“My right hand is working perfectly,” Harry responds bitterly.

“Yeah but come on, it’s been a while.”

Normally Harry would be offended with Niall interfering or even remotely suggesting such a thing; he gets plenty of action. But sadly he can’t deny it because it’s true. Harry hasn’t had sex for over a few months. And the saddest part might be that he really longs for it.

He wants that feeling of being so incredibly intimate with another person. Connecting their lips together, wanting to feel small, gentle lips kissing his. He craves to feel the touch of soft, small hands all over his body. Wanting to take off his lovely sweater while gently scraping his fingernails on his delicious body. Blue eyes staring intensely and lovingly back at him. Their bodies align with each other and with each push they feel closer with one another; two bodies becoming one. He needs to make him feel loved, wanted and wants Louis to moan his name in pleasure. Louis… It is Louis he wants. 

“Why don’t you try a dating website?” Niall suggests.

“Pff,” Harry scoffs outraged, still having a slight blush on his cheeks by the images that appeared in his mind.

“It’s no longer just for socially awkward people you now? My uncle met his new girlfriend on the web and they’ve been together for over 4 years.”

“Yeah yeah,” Harry mumbles, feeling annoyed that he has this conversation at all, but certainly right before his lecture begins.

“You need a girlfriend!” Niall screams out, now completely waking a very, very annoyed William.

“Can you shut the fuck up?” William groans, smacking Niall on the back of his head. 

“Ouch!” Niall screeches but quickly returns to his ‘mission’. “I was just saying that Harry is in desperate need of a girlfriend!”

“I don’t want a girlfriend!” 

“What?” Niall asks shocked. “Since when?”

Since Louis, Harry thinks. He is too infatuated with Louis to even think about a girl. All he wants is to kiss Louis, feel Louis; and not some girl he would meet on the internet.

Instead of answering truthfully (with an awake and grumpy William staring at him with a surprisingly interested eye) he lies. “I don’t know,” he shrugs, swallowing nervously.

\-----

Harry is exhausted after his first day back at University, already being flooded with all these fast-paced information about the sociology of crime and punishment.

His friends don’t make it any easier, as they are all currently squeezed together on Harry’s bed setting up a dating profile for him.

He tried to stop them numerous times with petty excuses, which obviously didn’t help. He couldn’t come up with a reasonable excuse why he shouldn’t try online dating. 

Harry desperately wanted to tell them the truth but he couldn’t. Not because he is ashamed of liking Louis, but there are two mayor issues. Two obstacles that made him not say anything.  
First of all, Louis and Harry have not spoken about what they are or how they feel about each other, it’s still undefined.

And secondly William can’t find out about it. Harry doesn’t think he will take the news lightly. What if William is scared of losing his best friend to his brother or even worse: which side should he choose when something bad happens between them?

Harry doesn’t know yet how Louis truly feels about him; he can’t risk losing William over something that is still very unclear. 

“Don’t forget to add the fact that he loves romantic chick-flicks! Girls will love the fact that they can cry and watch the movie together.”

“True,” Josh nods. “But please don’t write that he can basically quote every scene. It’s embarrassing and so not attractive for girls. They want a boyfriend, not a girlfriend.”

“Why does that automatically define as a girlfriend?” William mutters.

“You don’t understand because you’ve been raised with so many girls! You haven’t had a lot of male influences in your life.”

“What rubbish!” 

“No it’s true. Your upbringing defines who you are and what you’ve learned,” Josh explains. “The same goes for Harry, particular Harry actually.”

Luke nods. “Yeah it’s true that he didn’t really have an important male influence in his life.”  
  
“Oh my god… can we stop this philosophic shit? I’m simply making a profile for him, we don’t need to bring up the traumas he experienced as a kid,” Niall interrupts. 

“Heyyy,” Harry speaks up slightly outraged and offended. “I didn’t have a trauma because I didn’t really have a dad while growing up.”

Williams agrees with Harry. “I’ve had several dads actually and believe me; they didn’t really mean shit to me. My mother raised me and she did a fantastic job.”

Harry smiles at William, thankful he understands him and growing up with mostly woman. 

“Yes same. My mother raised me all alone and I couldn’t have asked for more.”

“Oh I believe you,” Josh acknowledges. “It’s just that you’ve been probably raised differently. My father taught me how to play soccer, repair my own bike, stuff like that.”

Harry simply nods; he doesn’t want to go further into discussion. It’s already pretty awful that they are making a dating profile for him; he doesn’t want to linger on those sad thoughts that once in a while occur. Yes, he did miss not having a father, but he certainly didn’t miss ‘manly’ stuff. He likes watching chick-flicks with his mother and sister, cooking a lovely meal and …

A new message from Louis:  
_I know ;) You couldn’t even go one morning without food!! And your tea ofc ;) X_

…. he most definitely likes Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you liked it!  
> But ugh... this chapter was a real pain in the ass! I really enjoyed writing some parts, but other parts simply didn't go as well as I planned/hoped for. But I had not posted a new chapter for a while, so I really wanted to post this for you guys!
> 
> And can I just say how happy/delighted/grateful I am with all the kudos! and the amazing comments!
> 
> You guys brighten my day <3  
> Please keep doing it! Vote, comment and share!
> 
> Lastly: I love my dear Niall <3 (I can totally imagine him proudly discussing his sex life lol) and him pushing Harry for a girlfriend is only because he wants Harry to be happy!  
> Oh and about the last part, I just want to make clear that this is just a story, this doesn't (fully) represent my opinion about the subject!! I do hate the fact though that there is still so much gender-conformity in this world and that everything is based on gender instead of a person and a person's personality! I think gender is more fluid, but that is just my opinion!
> 
> Finally: BYE! xx


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm truly so terrible sorry for my lack of updates :(  
> I haven't posted a new chapter in a month! The last few weeks have been kind of chaotic (with a few very mean girls in my new class!) and the one time I was able to write I had this idea in my head for a short story. And I really wanted to write that story. I personally really like it: if you want you can read it (I Like Watching You From The Window). Harry is a little bit of a creep though: but I truly love Harry and his creepy, adorable personality hehe.
> 
> But finally... here it is. A new chapter! The good news is that this a pretty long chapter (I did, however, kinda rushed the end so my apologies if it feels sloppy).  
> And I really will try to upload faster, I don't want you to lose interest in this story <3

The last two weeks (besides stress about his exams, finishing his papers and trying to find a job) have been absolutely amazing. Louis and Harry have been texting each other almost non-stop. Whenever Harry has some spare time between lectures, studying, a quick moment as he sits down at the toilet or when he is in bed trying to sleep, he text Louis.

They text about literally anything: from music to solving worldwide problems. Truly anything that you can imagine, except for when Harry asks Louis questions about his relationship with his family or other rather personal questions. He avoids the questions and asks new ones instead or he simply doesn’t reply to Harry’s text. Louis does however asks a lot of questions to and about Harry; the questions have grown over time, as if with every single text Louis sends he gets slightly more confident. 

For now, Harry is okay that Louis doesn’t like to answer questions about personal stuff. Because, as time goes by and their texts become more frequently, Harry notices small changes. They are in fact getting closer and bit by bit he gets to know more about Louis. He knows that Louis loves movies, pop music, football and that he has a soft spot for children. Harry loves knowing things about him, but there are just so much more questions Harry wants answered. The thing is, he can’t expect Louis to suddenly be completely open. He’s probably showing as much about himself as he can. 

Besides, part of his shyness also makes him irresistible, makes Harry more curious about Louis and makes him want him even more. Louis is like a puzzle he needs to solve without having all the pieces required. It is both infuriating as it is unbelievable hot.

In addition, they did just make a new step. Tonight they decided (well with a lot of persuasion of Harry) to call each other instead of their usual texting. It’s the first time since they said goodbye that Harry will hear Louis’ amazing voice again and he’s dying: dying to hear his wonderful voice.

Harry absolutely loves texting with Louis, laughing at Louis’ witty replies whenever he feels comfortable enough to respond quite sarcastically or smiling whenever Louis decides to text first and his text becomes a lot more careful but oh so adorable. Texting with Louis has been so incredible and with every vibrating sound of his phone Harry’s heart skips a beat and a smile automatically forms on his face.

Nevertheless, as much as he enjoys texting with Louis, he misses him. He misses seeing the beautiful boy with his shy smile and his alluring voice. Missing the way his beautiful blue eyes twinkle after they kissed, how Louis ducks his head in shyness whenever Harry compliments him or how his lovely, dainty hands touched Harry’s when they sat together watching television. 

Missing every single bit of Louis, Harry’s initial plan was to go visit Louis: just go to the Tomlinson’s house and hold Louis in his arms. With every bone in his body he wants to embrace Louis, wants to be beside Louis, yet he’s also aware that it would be very weird and sudden. Yes, they’ve been practically texting non-stop, but they still haven’t spoken about their ‘relationship’. So far the conversations have mostly been friendly or funny.   
Unexpectedly going over to his house would probably freak Louis out and would have the opposite effect that Harry would want to achieve. On top of everything, he wants to take it slow for Louis’ sake…. and for William’s.

A phone call seemed like the next best thing, especially since he can finally hear Louis’ wonderful soft, bright, high-pitched voice again.

Niall bursts into the room and smiles at William. “Hey mate, you ready?”

“Hey Niall.”

“I’m not talking to you!” Niall responds, tone of voice bitter, barely looking back at Harry. 

“What?” Harry asks confused. “Why?”

Niall instantly turns his attention towards Harry. “First I’m making this amazing dating profile for you and you get hundreds of hits! But you don’t even take a glance!” he almost shouts. “And now we are going out and you don’t even want to go along with us!”

“Yeah mate,” William agrees, quickly changing his shirt before he continues: “you’ve been kind of anti-social lately. Always on your phone…”

“I’m sorry guys,” Harry apologizes. And he is truthfully sorry. He doesn’t want to be that guy; that guy that neglects his friends because he likes someone. It’s just that his mind has been so occupied with Louis and it’s hard to concentrate on anything else. “I really am sorry for being such a bad friend these last couple of weeks. But honestly Niall, I didn’t want that dating profile, I’m happy with the way things are ri-,” 

“Happy with your right hand?” Niall cuts him off.

Harry rolls his eyes, but agrees with him nonetheless. “Yes, my right hand is working perfectly and knows exactly what to do at the right moment.”

Niall chuckles at Harry’s explanation, already seeming cheerful again. “Glad to hear so mate, but why don’t you come out with us?”

“How about I catch up with you guys in a few hours? Going to take a long shower and I have a few calls to make,” he explains vaguely. “Text me where you at and I’ll come for you guys okay? How does that sound?”

“Alright,” they beam in sync, seemingly so excited simply by the prospect of Harry going out with them. It makes him cringe, knowing that he has been such an awful friend lately.

“See you in a bit!” Harry assures, waving at them as they leave the room. And he really means it, wanting to divide his attention a bit better between Louis, his friends and school.   
School should probably be his first priority and he should take more time to hang out with his friends, but right now all he can think about is Louis and knowing that he will finally hear his wonderful voice again.

-

“Hi,” Louis mutters quietly.

And the moment he speaks, the moment Harry hears his soft, mellow voice, he feels butterflies in his stomach. Harry realizes that this is more than infatuation or a simple, silly crush: he is falling in love with Louis. He is falling in love and hard. 

“Hey Louis,” Harry breathes out, smiling so brightly like a fool, a love-sick fool. Delighted to finally hearing his lovely voice again. 

“Hi.”

“How are you?” Harry asks with a smile plastered on his face and feeling little goosebumps spread all over his body. 

“Alright,” Louis answers, tone of voice timid and somewhat scared.

“Yeah? Good, that’s good.” 

“How are you?”

“I’m good,” Harry speaks again, feeling slightly awkward. 

Louis is a lot shyer on the phone than he is with texting, but that is probably something he has to get used to (as it was with the texting). And honestly, Harry is nerves as well. He wants this phone call to be amazing, wants to make Louis laugh and more importantly make him feel loved and wanted. 

Harry loves the bashful side of Louis, especially in contrast with the witty and sassy remarks he occasionally makes. However, it also makes him feel slightly uncomfortable and even sad. He wants Louis to be with him the way he is with his friend: charming, funny and even occasionally loud. 

Be that as it may, Harry can’t expect that from him. Not yet. He doesn’t like it that Louis is still scared of showing himself to Harry, when in fact he loves everything about Louis, including his shyness. And Harry wants do to his best to show him that.

“I’m so happy to finally hear your voice again,” he replies truthfully. 

“Oh,” Louis mumbles, probably taken by surprise by Harry’s honest words. 

Harry instantly imagines how Louis looks at this moment: a beautiful red stain on his cheeks as he looks away: his long eyelashes serving as a window for his eyes, fanning over sharp, gorgeous cheekbones. 

“How are the little girls? And the rest?”

“Phoebe really misses you,” Louis speaks a tad more relaxed. 

“She does?” And all Harry wants is to ask him: ‘do you miss me too? Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Do you know how much I crave to be with you right now? How hard I’ve fallen for you?’

“Yeah.”

The phone call continues and soon they both feel less awkward and their conversation keeps floating: completely losing track of time as they laugh together. Harry doesn’t think about his friends for even a split second, not with Louis’ lovely laugh echoing through his ear, melting his heart.

\----------

Currently reading about criminal law, snuggled up in his bed with a cup of tea, Harry tries to focus on his literature. He wants to make school his top priority and in some ways it is. Harry is, and always has been, serious about his work. Always trying to finish his essays on time, reading and preparing for lectures, but honestly it’s a lot for him. 

The minute he applied to schools, he knew that studying law would be difficult. They say it’s one of the hardest studies, mostly because it’s extremely fast-paced with loads of information that you have to stamp into your brain. But he always felt like he could do it, keep up with the work. Until now.

His hormones, feelings and mushy brain are in the way of his concentration in a form that hasn’t happened before. As a teenager he had his periods in which he was pretty stubborn: not wanting to study and rather hanging out with friends, but in comparison with other students he always tried his best. Always made his homework and took school seriously. He was never too distracted that he couldn’t focus on schoolwork. But lately, now that he finally truly understands the concept of love, his mind has been pretty off, unfocused and dazed. Finally Harry knows how it feels to be in love and how brilliant but bloody awful it is at the same time. 

And after Harry and Louis have talked on the phone once, hearing Louis’ voice, Harry became aware of how much he’s fallen in love with Louis. Talking to him makes him feel even more connected to Louis and even more in love. 

Harry desperately wanted it to be a reoccurring event and thankfully Louis agreed with Harry’s proposition to call more often. 

Since their first call a few days ago, they have called a couple of times already. Sometimes they had short calls when both of them were very busy, other times they talked on the phone for hours: laughing together and feeling so utterly happy.

His phone rings and Harry quickly grasps his phone and answers the call: hoping this time Louis took the initiative and decided to call him. 

“Hi little brother,” Gemma speaks through the phone. 

“Hey Gem,” he smiles, quickly closing his book; he will read this another time when his mind isn’t like mush and his heart isn’t pounding in his chest, continually beating Louis’ name: Louis. Louis. Louis.

“How have you been?” she asks casually. 

“Busy, what about you?”

“Good good, finished a new article and now I want, no need a drink.”

Harry laughs. “Yeah, well you’ve earned it!”

“I did, didn’t I?” Gemma smiles, probably grinning on the other side of the phone.

As much as Harry loves to speak to Gemma, he is a teensy bit disappointed that it wasn’t Louis who had called him. 

“Besides busy, how are you?”

“Fine,” Harry immediately responds.

It’s quiet for a moment, before Gemma speaks again: “what aren’t you telling me?”

She hit the nail on the head. She can’t be fooled; she knows when something is up, when Harry keeps something a secret. And truthfully, Harry has been dying to tell someone about Louis. Now that he finally admitted to himself that he’s falling in love with Louis, he wants to tell someone. Dying to tell someone he is in love. So, so in love.

Somehow, he assumed he had to keep it a secret. At least for now.

He isn’t ready to tell Louis, because he doesn’t know how Louis will react. Louis barely kept it together when Harry told him ‘I like you’. How will he react when Harry tells him he is falling in love, loving Louis more by the minute? By the second?

Besides, he can’t tell William. How on earth will he react? He would probably be gobsmacked, if not angry for Harry to have fallen in love with his twin brother!

Telling his friends would be just a very, very bad idea. They are all blabbers and before you know it, they would blurt it out to William. 

But… he can trust his sister. He always has and he always will. Finally telling her the news about Louis would be amazing. To rave about him and tell her about all the amazing things he does, about his eyes, his smile… everything.

“I’m in love,” he speaks dreamily. 

“Oh gosh! Please don’t tell me this is about Holland!” Gemma exclaims shocked.

Harry shakes his head in utter confusion: momentarily completely forgotten about the little crush he had on Holland. “No of course not!”

“Oh thank god, that’s a bloody relief,” she sighs and immediately adds: “well who is the lucky girl than, that got you over your little crush with the silky red haired girl?”

In that moment, as she asks about the ‘lucky girl’ Harry realizes that she doesn’t have a clue that he is talking about a guy, that he is in love with a guy. 

Somehow, as ridiculous as it probably sounds to a lot of people, Harry didn’t even think about that. Simply being so in love, he didn’t think about Louis’ gender: only about what an amazing person he is. For Harry that is what matters and what should matter in this world.   
But how come that he, all of a sudden, does feel a little lump in his throat? Why does telling her unexpectedly seem so hard? Is it because he is scared that William will find out? Is he indeed a bit frightened about the fact that he has falling in love with a guy? Or is he scared for Gemma’s reaction?

He knows that his sister wouldn’t disapprove or even be appalled by the news (knowing Gemma practically prances around wearing rainbow shirts and squealing whenever she sees gay couples on television shows), but he also doesn’t want it to be made into a big deal. Just because he has fallen in love with Louis, who happens to be a guy, doesn’t mean he suddenly wants to start labelling himself. 

“The lucky boy is Louis,” he speaks up, a slight tremble to his voice. The thing is, he never imagined fallen for a boy. He always talked about finding the perfect girl for him, but lately he realizes that there is only one person perfect for him, and that happens to be a boy. And as much as that is a tad scary, his passion and love for Louis is overcompensating his fear: his fear for judgement, for labels, his fear for everything. He is in love with Louis and that is all that matters. 

“Oh,” she sounds surprised, momentarily silent before she continues. “That is wonderful Harry! I’m happy you finally found someone you can be with, instead of crushing on your best mate’s girlfriend.”

“Well yeah,” Harry begins, scratching his neck awkwardly. “Louis is actually William’s twin brother.”

“Bugger off! Are you bloody serious?”

-

After the first half hour in which Gemma basically shouted at Harry for being such a bloody idiot for falling in love with William’s twin brother, she finally chilled out and wanted to know more about Louis.

As complicated as the situation may be, talking about Louis seems to do the trick; he might be the cure for everything. After, what felt like such a long period of time, Harry can finally gush about Louis to Gemma. 

“He’s so amazing. He’s so beautiful you know? Like unbelievable beautiful and he’s so shy but it’s so cute and he always has a blush on his cheeks and he fumbles with the hem of his sweater- oh I didn’t tell you about his sweaters. He mostly wears sweaters and they are always too big on him, like he’s swimming in them, but it looks so pretty, he’s just really pretty.”

He talks and he talks and even as he ends the conversation, his smile simply can’t leave his face. At last, he told someone about Louis and he can’t stop smiling, he seriously can’t. It might be a side effect of being ‘enamoured’ or he’s truly getting sick. Whatever it is, he is living on cloud nine. He is living on a warm, soft cloud, dreamingly thinking of Louis.  
This is bad, this is really bad but he can’t stop the feelings that wash over him. Might even doesn’t want it them to stop.

“What are you so cheery about?” William asks the minute he opens the door and looks at a love-poisoned Harry.

Harry feels caught, blushing furiously. “Oh just happy I guess.”

William hums in response, looking rather suspicious. Harry’s behaviour has been kind of odd lately. Or at least not like his usual self and William has most likely noticed. 

“Want to watch a movie together?” Harry proposes, wanting to keep his promise of being a good friend. 

“Yeah great,” William replies enthusiastically.

And if Harry keeps smiling throughout the whole movie with love-crazy eyes and a foolish grin on his face, nobody has to know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this (probably cheesy) chapter! 
> 
> I promise you that Harry and Louis will see each other soon :) can't promise which chapter, but it will happen rather soon! ^^


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new update! Already! =)
> 
> Instead of doing homework, I wrote a new chapter for you guys! So you better appreciate it lol :P  
> But seriously, I really wanted to upload soon because last time you had to wait a whole month!
> 
> I can't say when I will post a new chapter again, but I will try to write at least 1 chapter every 2 weeks. That's reasonable right?
> 
> Enjoy :)

It’s been a month since they said their goodbyes to each other and Harry desperately wants to see Louis’ face again. Harry is pushing (politely of course) to skype until Louis will finally agree on his proposition.

They alternate between texting and phone calls and calling has now become even more comfortable than texting. After the initial rough start in which Louis was very timid, things became very easy and flowy. You could say the conversations felt completely natural. And maybe even a bit flirtatious at times.

The last two week they’ve called each other every night. Some nights the phone calls were extremely short because Louis had to work again. He says he only works 5 days a week, but Harry is absolutely convinced that he works more often. 

One night Harry had to end the call abruptly when William walked into the room. 

Other times, when William already was in their room, Harry went outside and wandered around the dorms while talking to Louis. It was nice to hear Louis’ voice, but somehow it felt different. Walking in the building he noticed he was more cautious with his conversation and he didn’t like it. He couldn’t discuss certain things that they sometimes do when they have a very private, long, call. Those calls are the best.

“William is so repulsive,” Harry cries out in disgust. “Wearing the same underwear twice because apparently ‘a stain can’t hurt’.”

Louis giggles, he fucking giggles. 

“I’m still shocked he is your identical twin,” Harry continues with a laugh.

“Well Harry, maybe that’s because he’s not.”

“What do you mean?”

“William isn’t my identical twin, we are fraternal twins.”

“WHAT? How?” Harry blurts confused, flabbergasted at this news. How come he never knew about this? Why did William keep this a secret?

“Well Harry it’s quite simple. You have two separate eggs that-“

“Yeah yeah,” Harry interrupts somewhat irritated. “I mean… I don’t get it. William never told me this.”

“Did he ever say we were identical twins?”

“No not in so many words… but you guys look a lot alike.”

“That’s also possible with fraternal twins,” Louis explains. “Did you know Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are also fraternal twins?”

“No fucking way!” Harry shouts out completely astonished. “I had no fucking clue. My life is based on lies, it’s all just lies!” 

Louis laughs at Harry’s overdramatic response. “You can be such a drama queen, you sure you’re not gay?” 

“Hey!” Harry argues fake-offended. “Well truthfully I don’t know, but this is not about my sexuality this is about you and your brother.”

“I rather want to talk about you.”

“I know, you always do, but I’m just still a bit gobsmacked. But it also makes sense.”

“Why?” 

“Well… first of all because you are much more beautiful than your brother,” he speaks fondly. “And when I saw you and your brother together I noticed that your facial features are far more delicate, almost feminine.” 

Louis gasps into the phone, it’s a small almost inaudible gasp, but it’s still there, still something Harry hears. 

“Yeah,” Louis whispers quietly, voice suddenly unsteady and soft, not like before. 

“Did I say something to offend you?”

“No you didn’t Harry, I-I just, I need to go to work you see? I’ll talk to you later okay?”

Harry is even more confused now, but nonetheless agrees. “Okay, talk to you later. But please know I think you are so incredible beautiful.”

Louis doesn’t reply to Harry words and quickly ends the phone call.

\-----

Louis has been avoiding Harry ever since their last phone call. He doesn’t text himself and he doesn’t answer Harry’s calls. After at least 3 missed phone calls and 12 texts (in which Harry asked what happened, basically pleaded him to answer and even did an attempt of making a joke) Louis finally replied with a very curtly message saying that he couldn’t pick up the phone. After that, Louis only replies to Harry in such short and impersonal ways. 

Alongside feeling very upset and hurt by Louis’ behavior, he honestly also feels a bit lost and even more confused about Louis. The last few weeks he felt so enamored, being filled with love, that he didn’t think or questioned the odd things that he had witnessed (and he had witnessed a lot of them) when he stayed at his house. Harry pushed all the thoughts and questions to the back of his mind, but they turned up even more vigorously since Louis’ avoidance.

If he wants to be closer to Louis he has to understand him better, has to know more about him. Harry misses him a lot and now, more than ever, really needs to know the truth. Needs to know what Louis is hiding, what William is hiding.

And whatever happens: he needs to talk to William. Right now.

Well… not right now, in approximately half an hour. His mind might be occupied with Louis instead of his lecture; Harry would never leave in the middle of it. He thinks that would be immensely rude, so he pretends to listen to the professor for another half hour, sitting anxiously in his chair, restlessly waiting for the lecture to be over.

-

The instant the professor ends his lecture; Harry jumps up from his seat and rapidly walks to the professor to thank him before quickly sprinting off to his room. 

Practically running through the dorm as he enters his door in a new record, he sighs relieved when he sees no sock on the doorknob.

However, the minute he enters the room he can instantly tell that Holland was here, probably not even a minute ago, by William’s bare chest rapidly going up and down and his wild hair springing in all sort of directions. Harry is grateful he didn’t have to witness them having sex again. 

“Can I talk to you?”

“Yeah sure,” William answers casually, probably still in a post-orgasm haze. He just got a good lay; his mind is probably all fuzzy. Which is probably good a thing, because it will make William less suspicious. 

“What happened to Louis?” Harry blurts out and whoa… what a way to start a conversation! Bravo Harry for your impeccable subtlety. 

“What?”

“What happened to Louis? I want to know.”

“Why?” William asks confused while still having a very tiny but too satisfied smile on his face.

“Louis and I became friends while I stayed at your house and I was curious about it,” Harry responds. 

“Well if Louis wanted to tell you something he would have.” 

“But why can't you tell me?” Harry continues, pushing William for an answer. “Do you really think I'm not trustworthy enough?” 

William immediately shakes his head. “No of course not, but I don’t want to break Louis’ trust.” 

“Okay, but I’m just worried and I want to help.”

“Why all of a sudden?” William turns his head, now completely awake. Oh shit, he much rather wanted William to stay in his bed, relaxing. Not skeptical, alert William. He can be a tad creepy and honestly, Harry isn’t a particular good liar or better said: the worst.

“I-I,” he begins unsure. “I just wondered.”

“Well don’t worry about it.”

Don’t worry about it? How can he not worry about it when Louis is ignoring him! He can’t. He needs to know more, needs to understand. 

“Did something bad happen to him? Like did he get bullied or something?” Harry asks tentatively. Honestly he wished he could have formed his words a little better, but they simply escaped his mouth. After all, it is something he has been wondering. 

“Let’s just say,” William begins and Harry inhales and unconsciously holds his breath: afraid that if he makes even one simple sound William will stop talking. “People have hurt him for who he is.”

“Sorry, what?” Harry replies confused. What does that even mean? 

“That is why he has trouble opening up to people. He will come to you when he is ready, if he ever is. That is all I’m going to say about it. So stop asking me all these questions.”

“Okay,” Harry nods, mind racing with thoughts. Louis’ been hurt for who he is? For being gay? Or what?

\-----

After a few poor attempts Harry finally feels satisfied with his text:

_I’m sorry if I said something that made you upset. I want you to know that I just really like you and our contact. I don’t expect you to do something you don’t feel comfortable with. If you don’t want to talk about something that is fine, but please don’t stay away from me._

Yeah it might sound a bit desperate, but truthfully Harry is. Louis means so much to him and he doesn’t want to lose that, that lovely feeling he has and also the friendship that he has built with Louis. 

William finally told him something, but it was all very cryptic. And honestly Harry is still quite confused.

However, thanks to his conversation with William he now does know two very important things: apparently Louis has been hurt for whom he is and that is the reason he has so much trouble opening up to people. And the second thing is that he should stop asking William for questions, because he’s getting quite suspicious. 

Frustratingly enough, Louis has built a wall between him and people and Harry still isn't able break the wall. Still can’t see as much as he had hoped.

But quite frankly, Louis should know by now that Harry will never hurt him for who he is (which Harry assumes is about Louis being gay although he has never used those words himself). Having told him he likes him, kissing him and basically calling Louis every night should be enough clarification that Harry doesn’t care a single bit. 

Might still don’t really know what happened with Louis, Harry does know that Louis is already giving him so much. For Harry it might feel like simple, small gestures but for Louis they are huge. 

Harry has come to the realization that he shouldn’t compare his own way of showing affection or being himself with Louis’. They are not the same and Harry hasn’t been hurt like him that he had to distance himself from people. 

Harry shouldn’t expect too much, otherwise he will keep feeling disappointed because Louis isn’t giving him what he wants. It will only make the situation worse. They will avoid each other once more and honestly Harry can’t deal with that. He already can’t deal without Louis’ amazing laugh, his lovely voice and overall with Louis. 

His phone rings and Harry wants to ignore it. As much as he loves his sister and his mother, he doesn’t want to talk to them right now. He has other things on his mind.

After a few rings he quickly takes a glance at his phone and the name that lights up on his screen is Louis. Instantly he grabs his phone, almost letting it fall out of his hand because of the force he tried to grasp his phone.

Quickly swiping on the green call he speaks: “hello.”

“Hi,” Louis whispers. 

“Louis, thank god,” Harry breathes out a big sigh of relief. He can’t hold it in and doesn’t want to.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

It’s quiet for a little while until precisely at the same time they both whisper: “I missed you.”

Harry’s heart feels like it is exploding. He is smiling so bright that it feels like his face will split. He feels flushed, happy and his heart is pounding.

Those words, hearing Louis say those words, is all he could wish for. The amazing feeling of knowing that Louis can’t stay away from him either, that he missed him too. That’s all he wants, that’s all he cares about. Nothing else matters.

\-----

“I didn’t know you watched Teen Wolf as well!”

“Yeah I like the show,” Louis replies.

It’s like the last few awkward, painful days didn’t even happen and as if the words ‘I missed you’ caused pieces of Louis' wall to have crumbled. “You just like to watch those gorgeous men in barely any clothes,” Harry teases.

“Okay maybe I do,” he admits shyly.

Harry chuckles. Personally he doesn’t watch the show for the men or even thought about those men. Yeah maybe he thought Derek had a nice physique, but it was more in a way that he wanted to have his body or that it motivated him to go to the gym, not that he wanted to lick something off his chest. 

“But I also like the plot!” Louis immediately adds.

“Sure you do,” Harry grins. “So you like buff men?”

“Oh gross Harry,” he giggles. “That sounds awful.” 

“But do you?” Harry insists, loving this playful conversation and Louis’ openness. 

“I-I,” he stammers through the phone. Maybe this is too much but Harry really couldn’t help himself but to ask. “Like men yeah,” Louis admits quietly. And it doesn’t sound flirtatious anymore. His tone is suddenly very humorless.

Obviously, Harry can’t continue to tease him anymore about this subject when the atmosphere abruptly changed from fairly flirty to very serious. 

“Yeah you do? When did you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“When did you know you were gay?”

“Have you watched the latest episode of Teen Wolf, it was extremely-,”

“Louis!” Harry cuts him off, sounding rather stern. “Please don’t change the subject. When did you come out?”

“Honestly I don’t remember it wasn’t a big deal you know,” Louis states, tone yet again completely different from before. He almost sounds blasé and disconnected. There is absolutely no emotion in his tone and his answer is vague. 

Harry might not know a lot about being gay, coming out and related stuff, but he is sure that no matter how the experience turned out, coming out is a memory that you can’t forget. Without question, he knows it’s a big moment in someone’s life. And probably even more so in Louis’ life. 

“Alright,” Harry answers instead of trying to get more out of him. Louis obviously doesn’t want to or feels comfortable enough to talk about it. Harry made a promise to himself to let Louis come out of his shell in his own time. 

“So yeah.”

“Back to those buff men,” Harry jokes; wanting to make Louis smile again. “Who of them is the hottest?”

“You,” he whispers softly and hangs up the phone. 

Feeling himself getting immensely red (assumingly matching the blush on Louis’ cheeks after he gave Harry such a huge compliment) Harry closes his eyes and feels Louis so incredible close to him. His heart is filled with love and Harry feels like the happiest person alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I have mixed feelings about this chapter... some parts I really enjoyed, other parts not so much.  
> I have said it before, but English isn't my native language and sometimes I really do struggle with finding the right sentences or stuff like that. It's frustrating because I want to do so well. And also, I don't have a beta or anything.
> 
> It would make me so happy if you comment on this chapter (of course I also really appreciate kudos and if you share this story). But comments keep me motivated to write. And honest opinions might not always make me happy lol but it can help me and this story to become better :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your freaking amazing comments! I loved them so much and they made me motivated to write a new chapter so soon (well for me it's soon lol).
> 
> It's so late and I'm freaking exhausted lol but I really wanted to write and post a new chapter for your guys! I really enjoyed writing this one and I hope you will enjoy it too :)

“Lou, don’t worry! I think you look absolutely breathtaking. You are so beautiful.” Harry tries to calm Louis with compliments, but so far it hasn’t worked. Louis seems very self-conscious. He keeps playing with his hair or restlessly fidgeting with his hands and shies away or looks at himself with a small frown on his face. 

It’s the very first time that they decided to skype each other. It took Harry a long time to convince Louis, but he is so glad he did. Seeing Louis, even if it is just through his I-pad screen, makes his heart swell. Finally being able to look into his eyes is simply put: so amazing, so worth the endless question ‘can we please skype tonight?’

However, just as the first time they spoke on the phone, Louis seems extremely shy and he doesn’t really talk. He seems so uncomfortable and Harry doesn’t like it in the slightest. 

“Don’t look at that little screen where you can see yourself, look at me!”

“I’m looking at you,” Louis argues. 

“Yeah,” Harry agrees. “But I can see you occasionally glancing at yourself. You feel like I see too much.”

Louis doesn’t speak but agrees nonetheless with his silence.

It breaks Harry’s heart, over and over again, how uncomfortable Louis is with himself. How much he doesn’t like the way he looks, when in Harry’s eyes he is perfect. So perfect.

“Look at me. I’ll show you something that can really take your mind off of things,” Harry speaks flirtatiously, wiggling his eyebrows, in an attempt to decrease Louis’ worries.

Louis blushes furiously at Harry’s suggestive words, but he also laughs. Finally he laughs and doesn’t think about himself for a brief second. 

Harry decides to take it a step further, wanting Louis to smile so brightly that the corners of his eyes crinkle. Standing up from his position, he opens his zipper. 

“OMG!” Louis yelps, slight panic in his tone of voice.

Instantaneously Harry turns his attention back on the screen and chuckles at Louis’ blown-out, terrified eyes. “I was only joking!”

“I know,” Louis breathes out relieved. “But… oh my god…” he stammers, trying to articulate his words, eyes still glued on Harry’s lower waist.

“It did make you stop worrying innit?”

“Yes it did,” Louis smiles. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet, you haven’t seen it yet.”

“Oh no! You did not just say that.” Louis shakes his head; eyes still widened and reddened cheeks. 

“I did,” Harry grins and he’s feeling bold. “I could show it to you.”

“NO!” Louis shouts out. 

“I’m joking, I’m joking. Gosh I love this.”

“What?” Louis questions in amusement. “Teasing me?”

“Well yeah that as well,” Harry replies cheekily. “But mostly seeing you. I can finally talk to you and see your gorgeous face. I’ve missed seeing you.” And he knows he’s being sappy, knows he’s taking a risk by saying all those things, but honestly he doesn’t care. The words just need to leave his mouth. His adoration for Louis can’t be hidden. 

Louis becomes even redder, avoids eye contact and plays with his hair (one of many nervous habits Louis has). “Same,” he whispers quietly.

“What did you say?” Harry questions with a smile, challenging Louis to speak up. 

“You know what I meant,” Louis mumbles, still not quite looking into Harry’s eyes. 

“I have absolutely no idea what you meant. What did you mean?”

“Dick,” Louis mutters fondly.

“Dick? So you do want to see my dick?”

Louis quickly turns his attention back on the screen and violently shakes his head. “No!”

“Alright,” Harry chuckles. “But what did you mean with ‘same’?” he urges, wanting to hear the magical words come out of Louis’ mouth even though he already feels ecstatic with knowing he feels the same way. 

“Don’t make me say it!”

“But I want to hear you say it,” Harry argues in return. 

“I won’t,” Louis says determined, shaking his head and crossing his arms in front of his chest.

And Harry loves this, this little game. Louis isn’t worried about himself anymore, they are simply teasing each other and it’s endearing. With Louis’ facial expression, his pretend stern face, which looks more like a little child that doesn’t get the candy he wants instead of a stubborn guy that doesn’t want to talk. It’s simply adorable, so cute. 

“Pretty please?” 

“No,” Louis firmly replies, but the corners of his mouth slightly turn upwards. 

“PLEASE?” Harry begs, pouting like an innocent child.

“Alright, alright,” Louis giggles. “I’ve missed seeing you too.”

Harry’s face lights up like a Christmas tree, there’s a perpetual twinkle in his eyes. His smile is so bright, large dimples on show. “Me too, so much Louis,” he breathes out. Longing so much to hold and kiss him.

\----------

The last two and a half months (except for the part that they haven’t seen each other) have been absolutely fantastic.

In the last weeks they have skyped a few times. Louis is a lot shyer that way, so for Louis’ sake Harry tries not to push it too much. However, Harry has told Louis in all honestly that he very much enjoys it when they do skype; loving to see his angelic, alluring face. 

They haven’t made anything official yet or even talked about how they are feeling towards each other (except for Harry’s occasional terms of endearment or sappy confessions), but for Harry it’s pretty obvious. Their conversations have developed and besides discussing some very serious topics and getting to know each other on a deeper level, their interactions also started to get more banter and even a tad sexual. 

All of it has been an absolute delight, but Harry can’t wait to see Louis. Literally can’t wait.

It’s almost time for spring break and he really wants to go to the Tomlinson’s again. He has already discussed it with his sister and his mother (who was just as equally excited as Gemma that Harry is in love whilst giving him the same lecture as his sister did about falling in love with William’s twin brother… yeah that was not so great). As much as they really wanted to see him, they completely understood that Harry wants to visit Louis instead. 

Besides, Harry doesn’t even have the money to go back to England. Finding a job didn’t exactly go as planned; it’s already hard to focus on school when his mind is constantly occupied with a shy, but cute guy with such captivating looks and a precious voice. 

William and Harry are chilling in their room. Harry mindlessly reads an article for school and William is dying from laughter while watching dumb so-called funny YouTube clips. 

“What are you doing with spring break?” Harry asks, trying to sound casual.

“Going to Holland’s family,” he replies between laughter. 

“Shit,” Harry mumbles.

“What?”

“Oh nothing,” Harry shrugs. “I just thought we could go to your family you know?”

Pausing the clip he’s watching, William turns around and raises his eyebrows. He looks completely weirded out. “You want to go to my family, why?” 

“I don’t have the money to go to my family and I really like your family.” And even if those things aren’t the main reason, they aren’t lies. 

“Yeah okay,” William nods. “Sorry.” And he continues with his stupid YouTube clips.

What? That was it? A fucking plain ‘sorry’? For fuck’s sake! Harry couldn’t care less about a petty apology, he only wants William’s approval and he isn’t going to give up so easily. “What if I go?”

Once more William turns his attention towards Harry, looking at him with a suspicious eye. It’s not the first time since they returned to the dorms that William gave him this creepy stare, but it still makes him feel rather uncomfortable. 

“To my family? Without me?” he asks for clarification and he sounds a tad offended.

Harry feels trapped, staring back at William with a quickened heartbeat. “Yeah it’s just… I can’t go to my fam and I rather don’t want to stay here in the dorms or go on a party trip with the guys. Not really looking forward to a whole week of drinking and sleeping in a tent with either a snoring Niall and Josh or a wild sleeper like Luke.

“But?” William begins, looking incredibly confused. “Why?”

And maybe it’s not so weird of him to ask this. Because yes William knows Harry likes his family and even knows that Harry and Louis have become friends when Harry stayed there, but he can quite imagine that it sounds weird that he wants to stay in his family’s house without his best mate.

“Why?” he questions again before Harry had even time to answer him the first time.

“I really like spending time with them,” Harry explains. “And with Louis,” he adds very quietly, carefully. 

William hums in response. His eyebrows are furrowed; seemingly struggling with this information or at least he is thinking about something.

And suddenly after a moment of very awkward silence William asks: “who have you been texting and calling lately?”

“Wha-at?” Harry sputters, completely taken aback by his question. He didn’t anticipate this particular question. 

“Yeah, you’ve been so lovey-dovey lately with this weird ass smile on your face and you keep avoiding me or say it’s nothing when I ask you whom you are texting. It’s weird, you’ve been acting weird and now you want to go to my family. Without me!” The more he talks, the more emotions seem to appear in his voice. William sounds confused, upset and even a bit aggravated. 

“First of all, I’m sorry,” Harry apologizes sincerely. 

“Yeah you should,” William replies harshly. “You can’t even be honest with me!”

Harry hasn’t realised how much it has upset William, how much his change in behaviour and especially his avoidance has irritated him. And most of all: the fact that he has indeed not been honest with his best friend.

And this, this should be the moment; the moment where he finally tells him the truth, but Harry is scared out of his mind. William is already so upset with Harry at this point, how will he take it when he hears that his best friend has fallen for his twin brother? 

“Tell me. Tell me what’s happening.”

“I-I,” Harry stutters. He feels trapped, words stuck in his throat. “I’m so sorry for not being honest with you. Yes I’ve been texting and calling with someone and I like that person. But it’s just I myself am still in the dark about what is happening or will happen. The other person hasn’t really spoken about their feelings. I want to wait for that you know? Before I tell you about this person.” Using a gender-neutral pronoun is relatively safe as he tries to explain in his best ability what is happening.

“And about your family,” Harry continues. “I really like your family and I had a nice time with your brother.”

“You thought he was weird!” William proclaims, practically shouting.

Harry quickly shakes his head. “No I… he just was very shy with me, but after a while he came more out of his shell and we had some fun times together. And I don’t have a lot of friends in the states you know? And I like being with you, but you have a girlfriend. So...”

“Are you blaming this on me having a girlfriend?” William inquires offended, harsh tone to his voice.

More and more, this conversation starts to feel like a fight and Harry hates it. They have never fought; they only had mild discussions on things like ‘whose turn is it to clean the room’ or ‘which food they should make or order’.

“No I’m not blaming you! I just want Louis as a friend!” Harry nearly shouts in utter desperation. And that is the truth. He wants Louis as a friend. He likes his friends, he truly does and enjoys spending time with them, but with Louis it’s all whole different kind of story. And yes, that’s probably because of the feelings that are involved, but beside that he just really wants to see him again. 

“Okay, okay, chill. It’s just, I’m a bit confused is all you know?”

“Yeah I get that,” Harry nods understandingly. “Sorry for being so unclear and weird about everything.”

“Yeah good, just tell me what’s happening okay? I rather you tell me the truth than that you lie to me. You know how much I hate it when people lie to me.”

Harry gasps, throat tightens because he does. He does know and he still lies (or as Harry likes to call it: simply withholding the entire truth) about his feeling for Louis and it feels awful. 

“You should give them a call first, but I’m sure they won’t mind if you come. They quite like you.”

“Thank you,” Harry replies with a soft smile. “And I’m going to miss you okay? You are my best friend.”

“Yeah yeah,” William replies awkwardly. The emotional part is gone, but Harry knows William also felt a bit betrayed.

“Thank you,” Harry repeats grateful, breathing out a big sigh of relief after such an intense conversation. 

“You can use my car, I’m going with Holland anyway.”

“Yes that would be amazing!” Harry answers enthusiastically, suddenly sitting restlessly on his bed; knowing that in less than a week he will go to the Tomlinson’s.

“Just don’t drive on the wrong side of the road,” he jokes.

“You mean the right side?” Harry smirks back. And thankfully everything is back to normal or at least mostly. 

Even though he wants to call Louis directly after this wonderful news and ask him what he thinks about it, Harry feels that now is not the time. Not because he is scared of William finding out, no. Simply because he wants to spend a night with his mate William, wants to show William he cares about their friendship. William has practically been there for Harry since the very beginning, since he came to America and began his study. Not understand how certain things worked in the states, William helped him and showed him around. He has been a great friend these last two years and he deserves an equal amount of good friendship.

“Let’s go grab a beer alright?” 

“Now that sounds more like it,” William grins.

\-----

“Yeah of course I would like it if you came here with spring break.” 

“Great,” Harry grins widely.

“But are you sure you want to go here?” Louis asks with a lot of uncertainty in his voice. 

“I’m absolutely, totally, hundred percent sure.”

Louis chuckles at Harry’s response, but nonetheless asks for clarification. “But what about your other friends? What are they doing?”

“Well your brother rather spends his time with his girlfriend and my other friends are going on a little party trip with each other. I could come along with them, but my other friends are not half as interesting as you.” And with a slight hesitation he adds: “besides, I feel like you are more than a friend.”

It’s completely silent at the other end of the line. After a while Harry thinks that Louis has run away, scared and freaked out by Harry’s words.

But then he hears Louis’ clearing his throat before he speaks up in his mellow, high-pitched voice: “me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGH! What did you think of the ending? Slowly but surely more progress is made <3  
> Hope you liked it and I love to hear your thoughts, feedback and overall just read your amazing comments!
> 
> Please vote, comment and share :)


	16. Chapter 16

The instant the last lecture of the day is finished, Harry rushes over to his room to pack his stuff. Normally Harry always works organized: making a list and neatly folding his clothes into his suitcase, but today he kind of rushes everything. He doesn’t want to waste a single second.

After basically throwing everything in his suitcase, he runs through the dorms to say goodbye to his friends. 

“Niall,” he shouts while constantly banging on his door.

After a while Niall opens the door with an annoyed look and no clothes, completely bare. “What?” he asks irritated.

“Oh shit sorry,” Harry quickly apologizes, scanning the room and seeing an all too naked Kristen as well. “Sorry Kristen.”

“No problem,” she shrugs nonchalant while she grabs a cigarette, puts it between her two slender fingers, lights it and takes a drag: all so casually. It’s kind of a turn-on, even though Harry hates smokers. “Come on in."

Carefully he takes a step inside the room, feeling slightly (well better put: completely) out of place and awkward. Niall and Kristen on the other hand act like nothing unusual is happening. Sitting down next to Kristen on the bed, Niall folds an arm around her shoulder. 

“Was just saying goodbye to Kristen,” Niall explains. “Won’t be seeing her with spring break.” 

“Yeah I get it, I wanted to say goodbye as well.”

“That’s nice, nice of you to at least acknowledge me.”

“Hey!” Harry exclaims upset. 

“I’m only joking, I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but I know you are hopelessly in love.”

“W-what, how?” 

“Come on, it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out,” Niall chuckles and in a more serious tone he continues: “I’m glad you’re finally over Holland.”

Harry’s eyes widen, but Niall shrugs. “Kristen knows okay? Even if I didn’t tell her she could tell. She’s a woman after all.”

“Oh well… yeah.” Harry awkwardly scratches the back of his neck. 

“Besides,” Kristen adds with a small smirk on her face. “You have those little twinkles in your eyes. You look completely fucked.”

Niall laughs at his girlfriend’s use of words and truthfully: she is right. Harry is fucked. He is so utterly in love that nothing else matters at this point. He is so far up Louis’ ass (not literally… yet) that everything around him has faded into the background. 

“Yeah you guys are right,” Harry agrees, slowly but surely he feels less uncomfortable and a faint smile appears on his face. He is totally fucked. 

“I’m happy for you mate. Glad to see you so happy, to know another girl can make you smile like this.”

Harry frowns. Just like Gemma, Niall automatically assumes it’s a girl as well. Somehow it annoys him, but can he really blame them? Heterosexual is the default sexuality after all, the world is heteronormative. People assume you are straight unless you come out and tell them otherwise. Harry was one of them. He never thought about the inequality, never bothered how the system worked until he fell in love with a guy himself. All of a sudden he sees how wrong, unfair the system is. How incredibly ridiculous it is that someone who isn’t straight should come out of the closet. 

“You really are fucked,” Niall laughs and Kristen laughs along.

“Huh sorry?” Harry asks, having been completely zoned out. “Yeah I guess I am,” he agrees. He doesn’t want to correct Niall, not right now. Not when he has far more important things on his mind: going to Louis as quickly as possible. 

“Well anyway, have a great break!”

“You too Harry, you too!”’

\-----

Driving up to Redding, it takes Harry so much willpower not to drive insanely fast. In merely a few hours he will finally be with Louis again. 

Saying goodbye to Niall took a lot longer than anticipated, so he rushed his visits to Josh and Luke. Lastly he said his goodbye to William who gave him his car keys. 

Thankfully William and Harry are okay again. It’s such a relief to know that their friendship is strong enough. They are even so okay that William isn't questioning Harry's every move and doesn’t constantly stare at him with suspicious eyes. The heartfelt and emotional conversation really helped them to clear a few things up. Also Harry promised William that whenever things are clear he will tell him the truth. It’s scary to tell him the truth, but as long as he knows that Louis wants to be with him, that Louis shows and tells his feelings, it will be alright.

This break with Louis he wants things to move forwards, he wants more clarification from Louis’ side. Louis already made a start when he said the small but extremely meaningful words ‘me too’ as an answer at Harry’s words ‘I feel like you are more than a friend’. It’s a beginning and now it’s time for more and Harry seriously can’t wait.

\-----

“Harry! Harry is here!” Phoebe chants happily. And before he knows it he is engulfed by two little twin girls. He laughs loudly, feeling so extremely happy. 

“We’ve missed you,” Daisy says in all sincerity as she tries to fold her little arms over Harry’s broad frame. 

“I’ve missed you too,” Harry replies lovingly.

“Your hair is even longer,” Phoebe concludes as she examines his hair and touches it. “Can we do your hair again?”

Harry puts them on the ground and kneels down in front of them. “Yes you can do whatever you want with my hair, but not right now okay? I’m going to say hi to the others in the house.”

“Alright,” they agree in unison.

He quickly ruffles their hair and in one swift moment goes to the hall, runs upstairs (taking two steps at a time) and moves to Louis’ room. He wants to barge into the room, walk towards Louis and kiss him passionately. However, as he stands in front of Louis’ room he remembers how Louis doesn’t like people in his room, especially not strangers. Harry hardly feels like that anymore, but he still knocks on the door instead of barging in and lets Louis decide. 

As Louis opens the door, his eyes widen and he practically jumps out of his skin. “Harry,” he breathes out. It sounds almost longingly, but he sounds surprised as well.

“Louis,” Harry whispers, smiling brightly at Louis and feeling fuzzy and warm inside. Wanting to hug him so badly or folding his hands around his delicate face which he has missed so much, but instead he stays where he is, fidgeting and playing with his hands excessively. 

“Hold on a second okay?” 

Harry nods, impatiently waiting for whatever Louis is doing until he says: “you can come in.”

Stepping inside, they walk towards each other. They stare at one another, Harry feels completely mesmerized but unsure. The easiness that they had on the phone is gone; Harry’s butterflies on the other hand are even more present. 

\------

After the initial weirdness has disappeared, things become rather normal and easy very quickly. They just finished dinner and the little girls, along with Dan and the baby twins, immediately moved to the living room, while Jay, Louis and Harry are cleaning up. Lottie and Fizzy aren’t home: this is their first spring break they could spend with their friends. Their rants about ‘being normal, every one of our age does that’ (which was quite amusing at New Years’ eve) apparently have finally payed off. 

It honestly feels like Harry has never left. He has only been here for two weeks, but somehow it feels like a second home. Most likely it’s a tad weird, but he feels like he belongs here and fits in. That feeling is overwhelming but wonderful. 

“It’s so great that you came here again,” Jay gushes with a warm smile  
.  
Harry collects everyone’s plates as he replies: “well I couldn’t be more grateful. I’m really happy I could stay here again. Thank you.”

“No problem! You are a real delight for everyone. The little girls have really missed you and so did the others,” she adds as she quickly glances in Louis’ direction with a small smile on her face.

Harry turns his gaze as well and is met with a bright-red Louis who seems to stare at his mother with terrified and pleading eyes. He can’t help but to smile. “Well me too. I have truly missed all of you.” As he speaks he holds his gaze on Louis, even though he looks down once more.

“I’ll take those plates,” Jay insists as she holds her hands out for Harry to give them to her. She quickly places the plates in the dishwasher before going to the living room as well, giving Harry a small reassuring nod and a soft smile.

The moment she is out of sight Louis starts talking. “I didn’t think you would really come.”

“What? Seriously?”

“Well… yeah. I don’t know,” Louis replies cautious.

“I’ve been waiting for this, for ever,” Harry insists.

“Oh.”

Harry shakes his head. “After everything… don’t doubt that please.”

“Yeah okay,” Louis nods unsure and immediately apologizes. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize; just know I really wanted to be here.”

“Yeah I know… it’s just…,” he stammers, sounding so fragile and looking so small.

Harry takes a few steps closer to Louis and takes Louis’ hand in his. Feeling his hand tremble, Harry softly rubs it. 

“Sadly I know,” Harry whispers. He knows more than Louis probably wanted him to know, but now he can understand all of it at least a little better. Louis’ been hurt by other people and that made him distrust people and be cautious overall. And as much as Harry thinks he is trustworthy enough, especially after everything they’ve been through, Louis is still scared. Scared that this isn’t real, that Harry doesn’t truly want to be here.

“Hey,” he demands, tone heavy but supportive as he challenges Louis to look up at him.

After a small moment of hesitation, Louis looks up at Harry. Besides a frightened look, there is also a twinkle of hope and light in his eyes. 

Harry pulls Louis’ hand towards his own mouth, while the whole time he keeps his gaze on Louis’ eyes, and with his lips he softly brushes the palm of his hand. He continues by giving Louis small, tender kisses all over his hand, staring into his eyes, into his soul. Trying to ease him with gentle kisses until Louis finally opens up, until he finally truly feels Harry’s intentions, Harry’s love for this wonderful boy.

After that it’s just a matter of seconds before Louis takes the initiative; moving forwards, standing on his tiptoes, to connect his lips with Harry’s.

What starts off as a few small pecks on the lips, a soft, tentative kiss, slowly but surely turns more eager and lustful. Harry wraps his hand around Louis’ neck, closes his eyes and deepens the kiss. They pant into each other’s mouths, heat radiating from their bodies, hearts pounding in their chests. Louis makes a soft sound from deep in his throat and wraps one arm around Harry’s waist, pushing him even closer.

They break the kiss to catch their breaths, staring at one another and holding each other close.

Harry tightens his grip around Louis’ neck and pushes him forward to connect their lips again, wanting to feel Louis’ lips, warmth and lovely sounds over and over. 

Intensifying the kiss, their tongues begin to slowly entwine, warm breaths mingle and Louis lets out a broken whimper.

The sound is so beautiful; it’s a sound in the heat of the moment without any hesitation, without fear and Harry feels so in love. Nothing feels better than to feel Louis’ passion, his thin, soft lips; being intoxicated by Louis, the boy he loves and desires.

-

After an intense make-out session they take a step back. It took Louis less than a day to warm-up to Harry and that feeling is amazing. He has a whole week with Louis ahead where he can kiss him all day long. The prospect of that is making him so utterly happy that he moves forward again but this time kisses Louis on the nose. 

Louis giggles in response, heart-eyes staring at Harry. “What are you doing?”

“I just realized that we have a whole week together,” Harry grins.

“You are not very quick,” Louis responds cheekily with a faint smile.

Harry laughs loudly, feeling so much admiration and love for this wonderful boy and his witty replies. Seeing him open up like this is beyond what he had hoped for, making him feel deliriously happy. All of this is something he has never experienced or felt before and Harry realizes that this is it. This is what love is supposed to feel like. This is that feeling that he has missed his life: finding that person he wants to spend his entire life with. 

“God,” Harry breathes out. “This week is going to be so amazing.”

\-----

The next morning when Harry awakes without a snoring William, he feels so well-rested and happy. He’s looking forward for today: not the usual cold morning showers in the dorms, the endless papers and articles about law, or music blasting from other students in the dorm. No it’s like Christmas again but even better. Now he doesn’t only get to have his alone time with Louis at breakfast, he can kiss him, hold his hand, whisper sweet nothings in his ear and make him feel loved.

However his relaxed, happy attitude doesn’t last long when he sees that it’s already 9 o’clock. He never sleeps so long, especially not lately. The last couple of months his mind and body felt so restless, but now he finally slept like an angel. It’s probably because he finally feels at ease, having seen and touched Louis. 

Quickly stepping out of bed and swiftly doing his morning rituals he walks downstairs: hoping that Louis is still there.

-

As he moves closer towards the kitchen he hears muffled voices and the moment he enters the kitchen he sees Louis and Jay sitting around the kitchen table. For what he can tell at first glance, it’s a rather intense conversation: Louis’ cheeks are as red as when they kissed yesterday.

“Morning,” he greets both of them.

“Hi Harry, shall I make you a cup of tea?”

“Thank you,” Harry nods and he sits down next to Louis. He turns his head to look at Louis.

“Hi,” he greets him once more, with a warm smile on his face. 

“Hey,” Louis responds quietly, looking up at Harry with reddened cheeks. 

“How did you sleep?” Harry asks, stirring up the conversation. He tries to have a light conversation, because he wants Louis to feel comfortable and because Jay is only a few steps away.

For an instant, barely there, he sees Louis twitch. “Good, you?”

“Wonderful,” Harry beams. “I haven’t slept so well in ages.”

Louis bites his lips as he stares at Harry, his hands folded beneath the hem of his sweater. 

And it’s so enticing that Harry has trouble breathing and trouble not to touch.

“Here you go,” Jay says as she hands Harry his tea and sits down again. “Please don’t feel like you are a guest. Grab whatever you want, whenever you want something to drink or eat, okay?”

Harry quickly turns his head from staring at Louis and with a small blush of his own he nods at Johannah. “Thanks.”

They start chatting about meaningless things, just a casual, easy conversation but it feels good. Having Louis by his side, occasionally glancing into each other’s direction, while talking about scones. 

“They are delicious. I’ll definitely make them some time!”

“That would b-,” Jay starts but stops mid-sentence when she hears one of her babies (you could hardly call them babies anymore, they have grown so much in a few months) cry. 

Jay immediately stands up, but Louis shakes his head. “No let me,” he insists and he stands up from his seat.

Before he moves out of the kitchen he leans down to give Harry a very gentle, light kiss on his left cheek. The kiss is barely there, almost like a ghostly touch, but Harry feels his cheeks and his heart burn up in delight and surprise. With a dopey smile on his face he follows Louis with his eyes as he moves away. 

“So,” Jay speaks. “I know you didn’t come for the little girls. Although they might think you did,” she chuckles. 

“I did! I really like it here.”

“Oh Harry,” she replies warmly. “It wasn’t an accusation. I know you like them and we really like having you here but I’m not that thick and you are not that good at hiding your emotions.”

“Oh,” he breathes out, smiling sheepishly. “I guess not.”

“No I guess not,” she agrees amused. “Thank you.”

“Thank me?” he asks surprised. “For what?”

“For making my boy so happy, for making him feel loved and wanted. I can see that hope has rekindled in his eyes and yes I also see the fear, but there is hope again, there is love.”

Harry doesn’t really know how to reply, he is astonished at Johannah’s words, her honesty. In one sentence she has told him more about Louis’ feelings than Louis has and it takes some time to wrap his mind around all of it. 

Before he can come up with an even remotely responsible and appropriate answer she continues. “He has that feeling of love again and it’s thanks to you,” her voice sounds uneven, a slight tremble. “He has always felt the support of his family you know? He knows we are here for him, that we love him unconditionally and so are his real friends. But having someone who does not only love him but is in love with him, he needed that. Basically everyone does, but especially my boy. He needed to see that someone could love him, even if it scares him to death.” 

Harry feels somewhat overwhelmed by Jay’s sad yet warm and sweet words, the heaviness of this conversation and the pressure that comes with it. However it does make him wonder: what does she know exactly? Is all of this motherly instinct or has Louis told her something? Does she know that they are not together? Yet… 

He doesn’t want to interject this emotional conversation with what is basically a stupid technicality. Because no matter if they are together or not, Jay is right about his feelings for Louis. Harry just hopes she is right about Louis’ too. 

“I-, wow thank you Jay. Louis is so grateful to have such a warm, understanding mother,” he begins, feelings his own emotions come to the surface, feeling a lump in his throat as he speaks. “Thank you, but truthfully I am the lucky one. Thank your son for making me so happy, so loved.”

With watery-eyes she gently smiles at Harry. “I’m glad it’s you Harry. I’ve only seen you for two weeks, but those two weeks have been an absolute pleasure. And when William calls, you know those one in a million times he does,” she jokes. “He always says good thinks about you. I think your heart is in the right place and that’s what matters.”

“I think it is, with Louis I mean. I try my best.”

“I know, thank you.”

“No,” Harry shakes his head firmly. “Thank your son for finally making me see, no feel, the true meaning of love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this long chapter lived up to your expectations. I personally liked it, I felt so happy writing this. Seriously... I could practically feel their love, it's so emotional but beautiful.
> 
> Tell me what you think :) (also if you didn’t like it). Please leave comments, kudos and share! Have a nice day xx


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry the my late update... again.  
> Besides being busy I mainly wasn't motivated to write. I feel like people are losing interest in this story :(
> 
> And I posted a one shot and only two people commented on it! :( so that doesn't really help me to get motivated to write. Quite frankly it makes me insecure when people don't comment on my fanfics and makes me wonder if I should continue.  
> And yes I will finish this story! I will never not do that to the people that continue and have continued to show their support like Anna and iloveliam; thank you for that!
> 
> It's stupid but kudos and mostly comments are a confirmation that this story is good or at least something you look forward to, so without it I don't feel so confident you know?  
> And yes I did get comments on my last chapter and some amazing feedback which really helped me to see that the end of the last chapter was a bit confusing!  
> Don't know where I'm going with this xd
> 
> Sorry for this long rant... I'm going to finish it with a question. If it is true that people seem to have lost interest in this story and if so what is the reason? Is it simply my lack of updates? Or is it the story itself? Something else?
> 
> Lastly: hopefully you enjoy this long chapter!

It’s a day after Harry had his talk with Jay. Harry hasn’t mentioned it to Louis because he didn’t want to freak him out about the conversation. But if he is completely honest he was a bit freaked out himself. The conversation felt somewhat out of the blue. But Jay was right about most parts: Louis is the reason he is here and Jay saw right through Harry and his feelings (which seem to develop immensely by the minute) for Louis. 

Harry couldn’t wait to be here, be with Louis. After having texted and talking on the phone for over two months, getting more and more in love, he wanted to be with Louis so badly. He seriously yearned to be with him and now that he is, it almost feels like a dream. 

Louis hasn’t crawled into his own space; he even kissed Harry on the cheek in front of his own mother! And they kissed, hold hands, watched shows together and simply enjoyed each other’s company. It’s overwhelming, in the best way possible.

However, Harry has only one week so he doesn’t want to waste a single second. He doesn’t want to waste it with being too careful or with being cautious about his feelings for Louis; no he wants to take it to the next level. 

Finally going downstairs, he takes a deep breath before he enters the living room. Scanning his eyes upon the room, his eyes automatically drift towards Louis: as if they are drawn to him. Louis is playing with Ernest, with one of his toys: making weird noises and laughing brightly.

“God I love it when you smile,” Harry thinks to himself, staring at Louis in pure adoration. 

“Sorry?” Jay asks, averting her eyes from the magazine she is reading and looking up: not even a second after Louis and Ernest look up as well. 

“Oh.” Harry blushes, nervously playing with his ear. “I was just mumbling to myself.”

With so many eyes at him, knowing he accidently spoke aloud, he feels somewhat nervous (read: bloody terrified). 

Thankfully Jay doesn’t give it much attention and continues reading. Moving closer towards Louis and Ernest, Harry kneels down beside them. “Hi.”

Harry turns his full attention towards Louis. “Maybe we can do something together tomorrow?”

Louis looks up. “What do you mean?”

“Like maybe somewhere nice?” Harry tries to explain clumsily. As easy as it sounded in his head, the words just don’t seem to work with him. He can’t form a single understandable sentence. “Tomorrow.”

With a questionable look he stares at Harry. “Tomorrow? Uh, exactly I had plans with Ellen.”

“Oh that’s fine,” Harry immediately responds, shrugging as if his plans didn’t just fall apart, being destroyed. “We can totally do this another time.” 

“No!” Louis shakes his head instantaneously. “I like to do something, nice. Tomorrow,” he speaks, tone of voice slightly teasing but also warm and happy.

Harry chuckles. “Yes?”

“Yeah,” Louis smiles. “I do have to work in the evening though. But what do you want to do?”

“I saw there is this Lake Redding Park or something like that?”

The corners of Louis’ mouth move further up. “You looked up things to do?”

“Well yeah, I read that it’s very beautiful with a lake, playground and-,”

“Playground? When are we going to a playground?” Daisy interrupts, quickly moving over to them. 

Harry has completely forgotten about the others in the room, and apparently so did Louis because his cheeks burn up and all of a sudden he nervously plays with his hands. 

“Louis and I wanted to go to Lake Redding Park tomorrow,” Harry tries to explain in his best abilities. 

“Yes!” Phoebe screams, equally excited as her sister. “We want to come with!”

“I would love that,” Harry replies. “But another time okay? Tomorrow I want to go with Louis alone.”

“Why?” 

“Well…” he begins. He’s not sure what he should say, what Louis wants him to say. “It’s more like for two people you know?”

“Like in a date?”

Harry smiles relieved and nods. “Yes, like in a date.”

“Are you going to kiss?” Phoebe wonders.

Johannah starts laughing from her position on the couch. “Girls, I think you interrogated them enough for today!”

“It’s okay,” Louis unexpectedly speaks up, rather confident. Turning his full attention to his twin sisters he says: “Yes, we are probably going to kiss. Is that okay?”

They seem to ponder for a slight second (while in the meantime Harry is still completely flabbergasted at Louis’ confidence) before they come up with the most obvious answer: “Yeah.”

It’s just a simple ‘yeah’ but Louis seems to physically relax. To hear the approving words of his little sisters means so much to him. Harry can only stare at it with pure adoration and surprise. 

Louis rubs Ernest belly gently, making him laugh before he moves closer to his sisters and begins to tickle them. “I’m the tickle monster!” he shouts and the girls shriek. 

Seeing them laugh together, seeing Louis truly happy, it is a sight to behold. And Harry finally understands Jay’s words and most of all the meaning, how much this means to her: seeing her son happy.

Jay and Harry look at each other for a moment and smile briefly. In silence she shows her gratitude and her support.

Out of nowhere, Daisy practically climbs on top of Harry’s lap and Harry’s heart pounds in his chest. 

“Can we do your hair? People always dress up when they go on a date!” 

Pleading eyes stare right at him. What can he say? Does he want his first real date with Louis to look like a nine year old girl with plaits, little pins and clips in his hair? No he wouldn’t. But seeing their pleading eyes and Louis so genuinely happy and laughing that the corners of his eyes crinkle makes him stupid enough to agree. “Okay, yes.”

Love makes you do stupid things.

\-----

It’s the day of their first official date and Harry wants to go all out on his look. It might be a tad much, especially since they’re going to a park, but who cares? He wears his signature black skinnies and puts on his newest suede boots. Taking his cream sating shirt out of his drawer, he carefully puts it on for this special occasion: obviously with at least three buttons undone. He finishes his look with a necklace of only one, simple, beautiful pearl. 

After a long time of questions and suggestions of Phoebe and Daisy about their date and some silent approval Jay, they finally continued with their own activities, giving Louis and Harry some time alone. They decided to watch a movie in William’s room (on his vintage television, which only has antenna), but mostly they kissed each other sweetly: small, gentle kisses. 

A knock on the door makes him snap back to reality: to today. The day of the date. “Yes?”

“Are you ready Harry?” 

“Oh yes, you can come in.”

The minute he sees the girls walk inside ‘his’ room he feels somewhat foolish for giving them permission to come inside. Phoebe is holding a plastic box full of clips, hairbands and whatever else colourful is in the box. 

Smiling brightly with a comb and brush in her hair, Daisy sits down on William’s bed. “Ready?” 

“Well I said yes, innit?” He truly adores these little girls for being so wonderful and so accepting of everything: him being in their house and going on a date with their brother. However, he didn’t plan on making the next step with yellow, green and pink hairclips and ponytails in his hair. 

“Can you keep it a little bit sophisticated?” he asks the girls as he sits down on the ground in front of the bed they are sitting; eagerly waiting for Harry.

“A little what?”

Harry chuckles. “Sorry, just don’t overdo it okay? It needs to look good, nice.”

“Alright.”

-

Waiting in the hallway for Louis while trying to ignore the painful stretch of his scale, Harry gasps the minute he walks down. 

The minute Louis’ eyes lock with Harry’s his eyes widen and he quickly looks the other way. It’s probably Harry’s lustful stare that is making him feel slightly uncomfortable, but Harry adores his shyness. Loves how he can blush furiously by one single stare. If only Louis knew half of the things that go through Harry’s mind his face would probably explode.

Standing only a few footsteps away, Harry moves closer towards Louis and gently takes his left hand and folds it around Louis’ face. “Bloody hell, you are wearing my all-time favourite sweater. I love it so much on you.”

“I know,” Louis whispers quietly, a slight tremble to his tone. “You’ve told me numerous times.”

“Thank you for wearing it today,” Harry gushes and he leans in to give Louis one small kiss on the mouth. “You look so good in it. I wish I could see you in your sweater-,”

“You are,” Louis interrupts, tone of voice slightly less timid. 

“-only your sweater.”

“Harry!” Louis gasps in shock. 

“Sorry,” Harry chuckles, only half-embarrassed. “You’re just making me frisky.”

Louis’ eyes widen but after the initial shock, he seems a lot calmer. He stares at Harry’s chest and somewhat daringly he looks up at Harry and says: “I like that shirt on you, or better said half of the shirt.” A small smirk escapes his lips.

Harry laughs. “And what do you think about my hair?” 

“Well it is quite interesting,” Louis explains while taking an attentive look at Harry’s hair.

“It is innit?” Harry grins, carefully touching his own (rather painful) hair. The girls made two rather impressive French plaits on the side, one messy bun and the remaining hair on the back of his head is simply tousled. There’s quite a lot going on, but they really tried and make it more sophisticated and they seemed so awfully proud of their work. Harry wouldn’t dare to take it off, unless Louis absolutely hates it. “But I can change it if you want!” 

Louis shakes his head. “No.”

“No?”

“I honestly don’t care,” he shrugs, quickly looking up at Harry before averting his eyes, staring at his own hands as he whispers: “besides, I think you look good with any hairstyle.”

If Harry didn’t stand so close he probably wouldn’t have heard him, but thank god he did. His stomach flutters and his smile brightens even further. “Bloody hell Louis, you make me go absolutely bonkers with the things you say.” 

\-----

As they step out of William’s car, laughing loudly, Louis says: “I told you to go right!” 

“I did!”

“Yeah but too late,” Louis chuckles.

“Ah well,” Harry replies amused, big grin on his face. “We are here.”

“Yes we are,” Louis smiles.

It took them at least half an hour to get here, riding in circles as they tried to find the park. Which shouldn’t be as hard as it was; it’s basically near downtown Redding and Louis has lived here his entire life. But either Louis is just rubbish at giving direction or Harry simply didn’t understand the direction he was given. Probably both.

But somehow the little (big) detour they made helped them both to feel more at ease. Instead of feeling nervous about the date and how to act, they laughed as they continuingly went the wrong way. They are both far more relaxed then when they entered the car. 

Leaving the parking area they directly walk into the park. Already, in the far distance, Harry can spot the beautiful lake that surrounds the park: the view is breath-taking. It looks so peaceful and even though it’s still rather cold, not yet spring, the sun is shining brightly: making it instantly feel warmer and pleasant. 

“Shall we walk towards the lake?”

“Yeah we can walk around it?”

“Great plan,” Harry grins and as they start walking Harry takes Louis’ hands and they entwine it. 

Holding hands, with smiles on their faces, they enjoy the wonderful sight, hearing the birds chirping. 

“Honestly, next time we should bring the little girls. They can’t be any worse than we are with directions.”

Louis chuckles. “Yeah we were really terrible.”

“Truly rubbish,” Harry grins. “But at least I’ve seen a lot of Redding.”

-

Harry occasionally brushes Louis’ hand softly as they continue to talk. They talk like they did on the phone: about basically anything and with so much ease. It’s so wonderful that Harry almost forgets his surroundings, so consumed with Louis and his voice, his lovely warm voice. 

It all goes so fast and unexpected when Louis suddenly stops talking and Harry can feel Louis pull his hand away, slowly slipping out of his embrace. 

Immediately turning his head sideways, Harry stares at Louis with confusion written all over his face. Louis looks completely uncomfortable, body tense and mouth pressed into a thin line, when not even a minute ago they laughed about Teen Wolf. 

Harry turns his body to look behind him, seeing an older pair walking with their dog. Did something happen between them? Harry hadn’t even noticed them. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Louis replies quietly but Harry can hear that he sounds off. The little confidence he held in his voice these last two days is gone. His voice is quiet and almost cold.

“Did they say something?” Harry questions. 

“No.”

“But, I don’t g-,” Harry starts confused but Louis cuts him off. “Just let it go,” he pleads.  
  
Nodding his head, Harry agrees, but it doesn’t feel right. He has all these questions in his head, but he tries to respect Louis’ demand. 

When Harry wants to take Louis’ hand again, Louis pulls his hand away and Harry stops dead in his tracks. “I can’t pretend nothing happened! Everything was fine when all of a sudden you pulled your hand away and out of nowhere stopped talking!”

Louis doesn’t reply, only stares at the ground with a pained expression on his face. And honestly it feels like before, like when they first met: all the secrecy. Louis who doesn’t reply or only mumbles a curtly reply and who almost seems scared again. Harry feels upset and annoyed. After all the progress they made, why does Louis, completely out of the blue, act like this? Why can’t he tell Harry what happened? 

“Can you please tell me?” Harry asks, tone of voice unintentionally rather demanding.

Louis sighs deeply before he whispers: “I know them.”

“And?” 

“And they had this look of disgust, disapproval in their eyes,” he speaks in a low voice.

“Who are they?” Harry questions, still not quite getting it. He turns his full attentions towards Louis and feels heartbroken with this painful sight: Louis’ head is down; body slightly hunched, shoulders slumped. He looks so incredibly vulnerable. 

“They are parents of this boy I went to high school with. And I always had problems with him, he was terrible.”

“I’m so sorry Louis, I didn’t know.”

“They thought; how could someone ever want to hold my hand?”

“What?!” Harry asks flabbergasted. 

“How could someone ever love someone like me?”

“Louis-,” Harry begins but quite frankly he is at a loss for words, he doesn’t know how to answer. This is so painful. How can those two people make him feel so insecure again? How can they change his whole cheerful demeanour in a heartbeat? What happened with this boy from school? How dare they? How dare they make Louis feel anything but special and so loveable and wanted.

“Please Louis, don’t ever think that.”

“But it’s true,” Louis replies with a tremble. “They had this look- this look of disgust,” he spits out the words himself; looking so uncomfortable. 

“Honestly: fuck them Louis! Fuck them for not seeing how amazing and beautiful you are. You are so smart, funny, and breathtakingly beautiful: the question should be: how could someone not like you?”

“But-,”

“No buts,” Harry says determined. 

“I-,” Louis starts off, but eventually closes his mouth with a defeated sigh. 

“Why don’t we sit down at this bench okay?”

“Alright.”

They sit down and Harry takes Louis’ hand again: this time Louis doesn’t flinch away. Harry tries to ease the mood by clasping his own hands over Louis’: making them warmer and symbolically tries to show him ‘I’ll protect you.’ 

Seeing Louis like that, so vulnerable, it takes Harry so much willpower not to either fight those parents or hold Louis in his arms. Fighting isn’t exactly Harry’s style and embracing Louis would feel so wonderful, but Harry knows he needs to keep his distance; especially at moments like these. Securely holding his hands is all he can do right now to make Louis feel a bit better, along with praises and encouraging words. “Don’t let them destroy this day okay? There is nothing more I want than to be with you, okay? I wanted to be here and hold your hand. You deserve love, you deserve so much love and I want to give you all the love I have.”

In response Louis lays his head down at Harry’s shoulder, their closed hands resting on his lap. 

“I don’t care if people judge us for being together,” Harry continues. “If they feel so threatened about us, about gays than that’s their problem.”

“Oh yeah exactly,” Louis agrees, not quite convincing.

Harry wants to do so much more, has so much more questions, but he decides this is enough for today. Louis appears to feel the same because he points at a flock of birds. “Do you see that?” 

“Yeah it’s lovely.”

-

They stayed together on the bench, hands folded together and Louis’ head resting on Harry’s shoulder until Louis looked and seemed to feel better. 

Walking further along, they are nearby a picnic pavilion, playground and what appears to be a small cafeteria, hearing children yelling and laughing. Behind the playground (just in between a couple of trees while having a view over the lake) is a beautiful white and grey gazebo.  
It’s almost too perfect. And if images of marriage plop into Harry’s head, don’t mind him. 

“Shall we walk towards the gazebo?” Harry proposes. 

Louis nods in agreement, a faint smile on his face.

As they walk towards the gazebo Harry mind start to drift off. Today was in one word: perfect. Even if the date had a setback with those awful parents, somehow it didn’t make it less perfect. Even though Louis felt so small and defenceless in that moment, together they could change that. Harry can help him to show he deserves love while Louis lets him in: as far as possible.

“Thank you for telling me about those parents,” Harry speaks up, staring at Louis. 

“Oh.”

“It really meant a lot to me that you trusted me with such a painful story. Even though I don’t know half of it, the fact that you told me something so personal and didn’t push me away, means so much to me. I want that to continue Louis, I want that. I want you.”

Louis inhales a sharp breath. “What?”

Harry truly wants Louis and after such a perfect day, standing in front of this beautiful gazebo, it’s only fitting he should ask. This is the perfect moment. “Louis, do you want to be my boyfriend?”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for all the comments! <3 It truly brightened my week and made me very motivated to write a new chapter!

The colour quickly drains from Louis’ flawless face and he shakes his head in disbelief. “What?” he asks as he rapidly blinks his large blue eyes, mouth slightly agape. 

For a split second, Harry’s breathing halts and the question suspends in mid-air. “Uh,” Harry stammers unsure, scratching the back of his neck as he nervously darts his eyes back and forth. They stand in front of the gazebo, bodies facing the beautiful lake while the sunset lightens up the sky in vibrant reds and oranges, reflecting across the water in beautiful patterns. Everything about their surroundings should make this the perfect romantic moment, yet tension is … “I asked if you wanted to be my boyfriend.”

The sounds of Louis’ erratic breath and Harry’s racing pulse can be heard in the drawn out silence, making Harry more anxious by the minute.

“I, I, don’t k-know,” Louis stutters, eyes haunted by some inner anxiety. 

Harry nods his head, not yet quite comprehending what is happening right now. “Oh okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Louis whispers quietly, looking up at Harry with a sad and apologetic face. “I don’t think I’m ready.”

A sudden coldness hits at Harry’s core and he exhales a shaky breath. “It is fine,” he quickly replies with a sharp edge to his voice, giving a tight lipped smile and shuffling back a step or two. He doesn’t know what he feels right now, only notices how his whole body tenses up and his breath quickens. 

“It’s h-hard for me.”

Harry pushes his hair back from his face, at a loss for words. How did this happen? Not even ten minutes ago he felt as if he was floating on soft clouds, but all of a sudden it feels as if his world is crashing down. He wants to understand that this is hard for Louis, but right now he doesn’t know how. This whole time, ever since they met, Harry has been very understanding, patient and thoughtful. He did everything on Louis’ terms. And after everything that they’ve been through, he thought the feelings were mutual. He thought that Louis wanted to be with him as well. He even agreed to go on a date!

“Please say something,” Louis begs in a timid and shaky voice.

Sighing deeply, Harry doesn’t meet Louis’ eyes as he feels his own tear up. “I don’t know what to say,” he replies in all honesty. Everything seemed to be going so well. They made so much progress in such a short amount of time. They started to grow closer together and Louis seemed to open up to Harry. So what happened? Why is this suddenly happening? 

One single tear falls down his cheek and he quickly tries to wipe it away. He doesn’t want Louis to know how hurt he is, let alone showing it. He certainly doesn’t want Louis to see how he feels rejected. Clearing his throat, trying to push the lump away, he says, “I think we should go back.”

Without awaiting Louis’ answer, Harry turns away from the gazebo and the gorgeous sunset reflecting in the lake. With his shoulders slouched in defeat (hearing Louis’ footsteps close behind him on the leaf-covered pathway) he shuffles back towards the car. 

Louis continues to stay a few footsteps behind, both of them completely silent all the way through to the parking area until they finally reach the car.

Standing in front of the car, shifting from one foot to another, nothing enters Harry’s mind that might direct them away from the unwieldy silence that has come upon them. 

“I’ll have to work soon, but I can walk. It’s not very far.”

His lips are pressed tightly together and he clenches his jaw, feeling annoyed at Louis’ poor choice of words. Louis just broke his heart by telling him that he is not ready to be his boyfriend and the first words escaping his lips after their icy silence are about his fucking work? 

“Okay,” Harry belatedly answers, not managing to hide the bitterness in his tone, knowing Louis doesn’t even need to be at work until later this evening. 

“We can talk afterwards? When I get back?” Louis instantly replies in a small, quivering yet pleading voice. 

Harry detects a hint of panic in Louis’ soft voice and from the corner of his eyes, he notices how Louis is fumbling with the hem of his jacket; one of many signs that show Louis is nervous. 

Louis wants to talk when he gets back from work, but Harry doesn’t know if he has anything left to say. He knows that all of this is very hard for Louis. But if Harry was just as important for him as Louis is for Harry, how could he have said no? How can he go to work and wait? He can’t deal with understanding Louis right now and waiting patiently until he’s ready to commit. Harry wants to be fully committed, wants to take the next step. He wants honesty and trust and so much more that Louis apparently can’t give him yet. Harry is not sure if he ever will. 

Shaking his head, Harry speaks up, “No.”

“No?”

He just wants to go away, wants to be alone right now. He can’t handle being so close to Louis, knowing he will eventually give in. “I think I’ll better go.” 

“Please don’t go!”

Harry finally looks up and stares back at Louis’ imploring eyes and trembling lips. A dull, empty ache gnaws at his soul at the sight of Louis’ troubled demeanour. How come he’s staring at Louis, being only a few steps separated from each other, but feeling this immense distance? How come he can miss the person he’s so deeply in love with when he is right in front of him? 

Harry automatically takes a few steps towards Louis and his first instinct is to take Louis’ hand and gently squeeze it to help him calm his nerves. However, before he is in reach he pulls his hand back with a sad expression on his face. “I don’t know what to do right now Louis,” Harry explains, trying to keep his voice even, trying to stay composed when he’s shattered from the inside. “I don’t want to say things I’ll regret.”

Louis opens his mouth, but all that comes out is a strange, croaking noise. Closing his mouth again, clearly unable to say whatever he’s holding in.

Grabbing the car keys from his pocket, Harry opens the car and sits down at the driver’s seat. 

He takes one final look at Louis before he starts to engine of the car. Harry waits for Louis to change his mind, hopes that he steps into the car and tell him, ‘Yes I want to be your boyfriend’. Sadly, Louis takes a few steps back and turns away from the car. 

Harry feels as if he’s been stabbed in the heart numerous times. It hurts. It fucking hurts.

-

As Harry arrives at the Tomlinson’s deep sadness is washing over him. With trembling hands he tries to open the lock with William’s keys. 

Within barely two weeks this house already felt like a second home. And ever since he arrived here again, he felt like he belonged here. They all welcomed him in the house like he was one of them. And everyone who knew about the date between Harry and Louis seemed utterly thrilled.

But now, the moment he enters the house it doesn’t feel like home, it doesn’t feel right anymore. He doesn’t belong here. He belongs with his own family. 

Walking into the dining room, seeing almost of all them sitting at the dining table staring back at Harry with so much eager anticipation. He feels overwhelmed; tears are swelling up in his eyes. The hope in their eyes and the wide smiles on their faces quickly fade as their mouths turn downwards. Even Phoebe and Daisy who always seem so energetic and chatty are now completely silent.

Clearing his throat, Harry speaks in a monotone voice, trying not to let the emotions get the best of him. “I am really sorry, but I have to go back to my dorm. I want to thank you again for your hospitality-“

“Wait, hold on. Guys why don’t you start eating, I’m just going to have a little chat with Harry.”

Johannah and Harry walk towards the living room and Johannah gestures Harry to sit down on a couch. “What happened?”

Feeling a lump in his throat he questions himself what happened: when did this became so complicated? So painful? 

From the very beginning, the first time he saw Louis, he knew something was different with Louis just as much as he knew that he couldn’t take his eyes off of Louis. He was intrigued with Louis from the instant he saw him walking inside the dining room. Louis was extremely shy and quiet, especially around Harry. In spite of his shyness and practically fear to be around Harry, he tried to interact with him. They grew closer and closer by the day. As much as Harry has always been confused about the secrecy, the odd habits and interactions between Louis and his family, he mostly felt amazing. Whenever Louis wasn’t as shy and scared, it all felt so natural, so wonderful. Quickly Harry started to develop feelings for Louis, rapidly falling in love until he felt truly, madly and deeply in love with Louis.

Going on a date, standing in front of the gazebo while watching the sun set, it felt like the most perfect moment. In one moment that amazing feeling abruptly ended.

Now he can’t even bear to be near Louis after he shattered his heart it into pieces because he wasn’t ready to take the next step. The logical part of his brain might understand: understand that Louis needs to take it easy, that opening up, getting ready for the next step is hard, his broken heart can’t. Louis didn’t even try to fight for Harry and that hurts, even physically. 

“I asked Louis to be my boyfriend but he isn’t ready,” Harry eventually explains with a shaky breath, feeling so defeated and upset. Going to the Tomlinson's this spring break all he wanted was to get clarity. He finally got it, just not the way he had ever envisioned.

Sighing deeply, with a look of great concern written over her face she says, “I’m so sorry Harry. I might have gotten you off on the wrong foot.”

Immediately shaking his head he replies, “Oh no Jay, this didn’t have anything to do with our last conversation. I wanted to do this, I wanted to take the next step, but Louis can’t.” His last words are extremely bitter, like a sour lemon in his mouth. Frowning harshly, he tries to stay polite when all he wants is to just leave. Leave this conversation, leave this house. 

“Louis needs some time to adjust this. I know he likes you, he’s just scared. Maybe you guys can talk about it?”

Harry almost wants to scoff at her words. Talking about it? Yeah as if they haven’t tried that before. “Honestly there isn’t really much to talk about it. Apparently we don’t want the same thing.”

“I understand that you feel like that right now,” she acknowledges with compassion in her voice. “Harry it’s only logical that you are upset right now. But I think he really wants to be with you. I saw how nervous yet excited he was when he knew you decided to came here. I saw these little sparkles in his eyes-,”

Harry remembers those little lights in his eyes, seeing his blue eyes shine so brightly is one of the most breath-taking sights there is. Seeing Louis happy because of him is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. 

His throat is closing up again as he thinks about Louis’ blue eyes. “I’m so sorry, but I think I have to go.”

“Harry dear, I always interfere too much, but right now I’m positive that it isn’t the best solution. You are in no condition to drive. I think you’ll feel a little better tomorrow.”

He wants to argue, tell her it’s best for him to be alone right now, but honestly he doesn’t know what is best for him at this moment. His mind is blurry and he feels exhausted.

“Why don’t you go to your room for now? I’ll get you some dinner.”

With trembling lips, trying his best not to cry in front of her, he agrees. “Yes, thank you Jay.”

\-----

Scrunching up his nose, Harry pushes the plate with food away to get rid of the stance. He hasn’t eaten anything from the plate, his nausea to overwhelming to take even the smallest bite. 

Continuously, he repeats the afternoon in his head, wondering what exactly happened. Why would Louis agree on a date if he doesn’t want to be boyfriends? Why did he break his heart? Was Harry too quick, too sudden with his proposal? Did he do something wrong? 

The most upsetting thing about all of this is that Harry feels as if Louis doesn’t care as much as Harry does. 

Harry has never experienced being in love before and the amazing feelings that come with it, but he also never experienced heartbreak and at this moment he wishes he could take it all back. Go back to before, when he had a little, harmless crush on William’s girlfriend instead of this deep connection, this intense feeling of love with someone who clearly isn’t ready for it. Or maybe doesn’t even want it.

Endless questions replay in his head along with insecurity and pain. He knows he can’t fall asleep feeling like this and as much as he tries to focus on something else, anything, he doesn’t know how. 

Eventually, after a lot of self-doubt he decides to call his sister; for the first time thankful for the time difference. 

“Hey little brother!” she answers the phone excitedly. “Finally found some time to call me in between gazing at Louis sea blue eyes?” 

And out of nowhere (while hearing his sister’s teasing tone, talking about Louis’ eyes) he starts crying. He doesn’t cry a lot, but right now the tears start to flow and his whole body starts shaking. 

“Harry, what happened?” 

“I-I, Louis- he-,” he says between sobs. 

“What did he do to you?”

Harry sniffs and tries to wipe his tears away. “It’s not his fault really. I asked him to be my boyfriend but he didn’t say yes. He couldn’t, not yet. It was too soon. I asked too soon and now it’s all gone.”

“No Harry, please don’t blame yourself! What a bloody idiot that guy is!”

“No,” Harry wildly shakes his head, still quietly sobbing. “He can’t help it, he needs time. He needs to be protected but I pushed too hard.” Harry feels so stupid. Finally he realises he wanted too much, too soon. If he hadn’t asked Louis to be his boyfriend, none of this would have happened. If he hadn’t scared Louis away like that, they would probably have kissed by the gazebo, the beautiful lake. It would all have been perfect, but Harry had to destroy it. 

“Well and I’m here to protect you,” Gemma continues, tone of voice harsh but with a small hint of worry. “And anyone who hurts my little bro is a dickhead. Fuck him for saying no.”

“Please don’t say he is a dickhead. I love him,” he cries. I love him. Harry truly loves him, so much. He still does and that is why it hurts so much. “I love him so much Gem, so much,” he says between little hiccups.

“I know sweetie, I know,” she answers sadly. “I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t know what to do!” 

“First of all, don’t blame yourself. I know you’re hurt and I know how much you love him, god you’ve been texting me these ridiculous texts about his eyes, his body and even about his sweaters!”

In between tears, a faint smile appears on his face as he thinks about Louis in one of his sweaters. However, his smile quickly fades and turns into a sulky pout; what if Louis will never be ready? What if he doesn’t want to be with him? 

“I know you want to be with him, but don’t blame yourself because Louis isn’t ready,” Gemma adds, tone of voice persistent and firm. “That’s on him. That’s his responsibility and his own stupid mistake.”

“Yeah,” Harry whispers, somewhat agreeing with his sister. As much as he blames himself for this terrible situation and tries to think of actions to set it right again, he does feel upset, hurt and even angry that Louis didn’t even try. Especially after everything that has happened between them and the progress that they made. 

“Where are you right now?”

“I’m still at their place. I wanted to leave but Jay basically commanded me to stay.”

“She is right you know? It’s already late and you don’t want to be alone right now in your dorm.”

Harry feels another set of tears prickling his eyes. He wants to be with his sister, with his mother. “I want to be with you! I miss you Gem. I miss mum.”

“I know you do sweetie, I miss you too.”

And he feels so selfish for wanting to be with them when things are getting tough, when he left them in a much harder period in their lives. “I’m sorry,” he admits. “I’m so sorry for everything. I push people away, I’m just like our father.”

“Stop!” she demands in a harsh tone. “You are nothing like him! And about Louis, that twat should be grateful that such an amazing guy as you has even asked him!” she practically shouts through the phone.

As much as he loves his sister for trying to help him, her trying to cheer him up isn’t going to help. And saying bad stuff about Louis is definitely not helping. He still loves him so much, still sees his beautiful face, smells his lovely scent, feels his delicate, gentle touches and hears his adorable giggle.

“How are you?” Harry asks in response, partly because he wants to know but more so because he doesn’t want to hear her say another vicious thing about Louis. 

“You don’t always have to ask that Harry,” she chuckles warmly. “You are such a sweetheart but everything is fine.”

“Okay.”

“I love you okay? Now try to get some sleep, you’ll feel better tomorrow.”

“Alright, I try,” he mumbles. Sighing deeply, he ends the phone call. Talking to his sister normally helps him to feel better, but all he can think about right now is Louis; Louis, Louis, Louis. 

“I miss you Louis. God I love you so much,” he wails, trying to call out to Louis, but instead is met with an overwhelming silence.

-

A knock on the door makes Harry jump out his skin, waking up startled. Apparently he eventually did fall asleep. He couldn’t sleep even though he felt drained, but it appears that his body finally gave in. Having a pity fest by yourself (blaming and questioning everything and everyone) is truly exhausting. Sitting up straight, he questions if he heard the knock correctly. Was it even at his door? Or was it one of the babied that needed their bottle?   
Intently listening, he doesn’t hear another sound. Great. Absolutely wonderful. He finally fell asleep after hours of tossing and turning and when he finally fell into a deep sleep he woke up by the sound of his own imagin-

Another knock on the door disrupts his thoughts. So, it wasn’t his imagination. Someone is really knocking on William’s door in the middle of the night.

Still feeling rather sleepy, he takes the few steps to the door and apprehensively opens it.

“Louis,” he gasps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... I hope you guys don't hate me after this sad chapter!  
> How do you feel about it? I hoped you liked it though (even if that might not be the best choice of words for this chapter)!
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments and furthermore I hope you have a wonderful day/night <3 Almost time for MADE IN THE AM!!!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a new chapter! I'm sorry for this extremely late update :(  
> Aside from being busy (aren't we all?) I wasn't feeling very well. I have crohn's disease and sometimes I'm just not feeling that great. Thankfully I don't have a really bad period, I'm feeling much better already and hopefully I can upload more frequently!
> 
> I want to thank all of you for your patience but more importantly for all the kudos and comments. I'm so thankful for the people who really enjoy this story :) means so much!
> 
> Enjoy this new chapter :)

Even though Harry feels exhausted and heartbroken, seeing Louis still makes his heart skip a beat. Louis looks absolutely alluring, regardless of the small bags forming under his eyes and his hair which is springing in all sorts of directions instead of his usual tidy fringe. 

“Louis, I’m so- what are you doing here? What time is it?” he asks with a puzzled expression on his face, definitely not expected to see Louis and almost wondering if this is indeed a figment of his imagination. 

However, as he gazes at Louis once more whose chest is going up and down rapidly and has a lovely red colour on his face, Harry realizes that this is in fact reality: Louis is standing in front of his (William’s but it somehow feels like Harry’s with his clothes, scent and some personal stuff around the room) door and it makes him become aware, yet again, how much he cares for this boy. How insanely and profoundly happy Louis makes him and how much, in a relatively short amount of time, he has fallen deeply in love with this boy. There is still a feeling of sadness and confusion, but above all he feels a form of relief. He needs Louis and another day without him would be unbearable, too painful. 

“I’m sorry,” Louis breathes out, partly out of breath. 

“You are sorry?” Harry questions; still quite amazed at all that is happening right now. 

“Yes I am. I am sorry for how we left things. It shouldn’t be like this.” Louis shakes his head as he continues. “Harry it can’t be like this, this can’t be it.”

Even though he can’t process all of it, Harry is nodding along with Louis’ words. This can’t be it. “No it can’t,” he agrees. 

“Can I come in?” Louis asks carefully and Harry wants to slap himself for being so slow, still standing in the door opening (probably still nodding like an idiot) tense and dazed. 

“Yeah of course,” he finally mumbles, gesturing for Louis to move inside.

They both remain standing and are at least a few steps away from each other; creating a certain distance in the awkward vibe that is surrounding them. Harry isn’t particular quick-minded, especially when he’s just woken up. Slowly but surely he’s digesting all that has happened within 10 minutes. How one minute he was sleeping and the next Louis was in front of his door, apologizing. Also, he’s probably looking like shit and most likely smells even worse. Somehow anxiety makes him stink and that is the last thing he wants as he’s with Louis in a small space. 

Standing there in silence for a few moments, Louis is the first one to speak. “Ask me again,” he whispers. 

“What do you mean?”

“Ask me again if I want to be your boyfriend,” he repeats, voice more persistent.

“But-,” Harry starts, a deep frown on his forehead. “But I’m confused… how, what changed?”

“Please just ask me.”

“Louis, do you want to be my boyfriend?” 

“Yes Harry, I want to be your boyfriend.” He speaks loud and clear and a very faint smile appears on his, still seemingly worried, face.

Harry exhales a big sigh of relief and feels his tense frame slowly relax, eyes gleaming with surprise. As much as those words sound like Christmas in his ears, as much as it makes him want to jump up and down with joy, he’s still a tad apprehensive. “But why?” he asks, more reluctantly that he intended. 

It’s not that it isn’t everything he wanted, it’s just, he’s still shocked, confused and above all: hurt. He can’t suddenly forget the pain he felt, the tears that streamed down his face and the feeling of being lost because of Louis. Thinking that Louis didn’t want the same thing that Harry wanted and didn’t want to fight for them caused him so much pain. Being so in love with one person that he can shatter you and your heart with one single word. 

“Why couldn’t you say this not even a day ago?”

Louis inhales deeply and closes his eyes, losing the confidence he showed as he stared into Harry’s eyes. “I wanted to, I really did, but I was so scared,” he explains, staring at the ground and nervously biting his lower lip. “I was shocked that you asked me.”

“Are you serious?” Harry asks, voice slightly raised. “We were on a date for crying out loud!”

“I know… I just-,” he begins quietly. “I’ve never been anyone’s boyfriend, you know? I don’t know how to be… I don’t know if I’m ready.” 

Harry's heart is racing rapidly and he has an unnerving feeling in the pit of his stomach. “But do you want to? Do you want to be with me?” Harry asks him daringly. 

Louis looks up from staring at everything except Harry and gives a tiny nod. “Yes. Even if I’m not ready or think I’m not ready to be your boyfriend, more than that I’m not ready to lose you.”

Harry’s stomach flips. Louis isn’t ready to give up on Harry, he can’t lose him. 

“I’m just-,” Louis starts but doesn’t finishes his sentence. 

“You are?”

“I’m scared that I can’t give you what you deserve, what you want.”

“But Louis,” he responds without any hesitation. “All I want is you.”

A loud gasp fills the otherwise quiet room. “Oh,” Louis replies bashfully, shifting from one foot to another.

Once more, they stay quiet for a minute or two, but this time it doesn’t feel like a very awkward pause. They both have so much to digest, to comprehend. So much has been discussed, said out loud, within this little moment. 

Harry can feel himself physically relax after the calming thoughts that, even if Louis is scared out of his mind, he does want to be with Harry. No matter what, they want to be together. Despite all the fears Louis (and Harry himself) might experience: they want to make it work. And that feeling is overwhelming, amazing. 

“I understand that things don’t or can’t change in a heartbeat. I’m not expecting you to suddenly be open about everything. I just want to make the next step. I want to show you that I’m committed, that I want to be with you and share this journey with you. Because Louis, even if I don’t really understand what happened with you or why you are so secretive about yourself, you make me incredibly happy.”

“You make me happy as well,” he breathes out, finally relaxing on his place as he smiles at Harry. “You have no idea how happy you make me Harry.”

Harry’s heart flip-flops and he smiles back. “We will take it easy okay?”

“Yeah,” Louis quietly agrees. “I would like that.”

“As long as I know you want to be with me,” Harry explains attentively. “That’s all I need.”

“Harry I wanted you since the first moment I saw you.”

Taking two large strides towards Louis, Harry reaches for the back of his neck and pulls Louis forward for a longing kiss. He forgets about his smell, his morning breath, he forgets everything. Honestly, he doesn’t even care in this moment; his body is simply reacting to what he feels so vividly in his heart: love and lust.

Harry gently sucks on Louis’ lips and it only takes Louis a second before he kisses Harry back, tentatively moving one hand and placing it softly on Harry’s cheek, Louis’ other hand moves down to the small of Harry’s back. 

Harry feels the warmth of Louis’ hand on his lower back, along with his soft lips kissing his.  
It’s an intense kiss, full of passion and it leaves Harry breathless. His hands move on his own account, touching certain parts of Louis. As Louis gives him a sound of approval, Harry carefully rubs his neck, strokes his cheekbones and massaging his arms.

Louis’ lips trail down and he starts to kiss Harry’s neck; pampering it with soft, little kisses, occasionally sucking slightly. It’s so hot, Harry can’t help but to feel flushed; horny and loved. A small moan escapes his lips before he nibbles at Louis’ ear.

Louis takes a sharp inhale of breath and sucks hardly on Harry’s neck, right below his ear. 

“God Louis,” Harry breathes out. “I love you so much.” The words just slipped out of his mind, completely effortlessly; so in the moment. The words have been said before he can do anything about it.

Instantly, Louis backs down. “W-what?” 

Harry didn’t plan, obviously, to tell those words in between a making-out session. He wanted the first time to be more romantic, make it seem more sincere. Even though for Harry this is the most sincere he can be. Him just speaking up, finally letting the words out that he has felt for a long time. 

“This wasn’t the way I wanted to tell you, but Louis you-, I can’t help it.” His breath ragged with desire. “Telling me you wanted me, god you have no idea how much that does to me. I was so scared yesterday, so incredibly sad that you didn’t want me when all I want is you. All I think about is you. And you kissing my neck, it- I love you.” 

“You love me?” Louis’ pupils are still dilated, face flushed, but there is a tremble in his voice; a certain look of shock. 

“Yes Louis, I love you, so much.”

“I am… I am,” he stutters unsure. 

Harry moves back towards Louis, the overwhelming desire has disappeared, however the fluttering in his stomach hasn’t. Brushing his fingertips and staring adoringly at Louis he speaks. “You infuriated me in the best way possible and yet calm me when I simply look at you. I love how you blush whenever I say something risky or tell you how I feel, I love how you've slowly become more comfortable around me and that we can talk and laugh together. It feels so easy, so natural to be around you. I love to get to know you, love how you always try to make me smile and I just really love you Louis Tomlinson.”

Louis seems speechless, however he doesn’t look frightened only slightly embarrassed. 

“I don’t expect you to say it as well Louis. We just said we’re going to take it easy.”

“This isn’t exactly taking it easy.”

“No it isn’t,” Harry grins amused.

“I like it though,” he acknowledges. “I like you.”

\-----

Standing under the shower, his mind begins to wander. Harry is still somewhat perplexed about everything that has happened yesterday. It was and still is an emotional turmoil.

When they talked and Louis told him that he wants Harry just like Harry wants Louis, a certain desire took control. He was gravitated towards Louis. They kissed passionately and all the unpleasant emotions vanished. 

However, this morning was a tad weird. The natural vibe that Harry felt when they kissed had faded. Both of them seemed careful; didn’t exactly know what to say or how to act. Maybe it is weird that they are still on edge, things should be perfect, this should be their happy moment now that they are finally officially boyfriends. But somehow, things are not yet quite normal. Maybe it’s the fact that Harry has trouble with letting things go or the fact that Louis might have said that he wants to be with Harry, but a part of him still seems scared, unsure. Maybe it’s all of it combined and Harry should not make it into a big deal. He knows they will come around; things will feel natural again in no time. 

And the most important part is that they both want to make it work, even if it will be tiny steps. As long as they want to be together, that is all that matters right? 

\-----

After the tense start of the day, everything started to go back to normal rather soon. They had a lovely day with the family, who decided to act like nothing had happened, except for the occasional smirk. And by the evening everything felt in place. Louis and Harry held hands, smiled at each other and leaned against each other as they eat dinner with the family. It felt so new, yet so natural.

When the movie titles begin to role and even Felicity decided to sleep, Harry turns around to look at Louis, who has a content smile on his face. He’s happy with how things are progressing, how Louis already feels a lot less careful. But he still, especially after his declaration of love, wants to know where he stands, how it’s going. “What now?”

Louis shrugs. “Just go back to how things were?”

It sounds relatively simple and certainly possible to achieve. “Yeah I can do that,” he grins. “Especially the kissing part.”

Blushing furiously and biting his lips, Louis looks up at Harry. “Yeah that too.”

Even if there are still things they have to talk about, they can take it easy. They don’t have to have everything figured out in this moment. Harry has five more days before his first lecture starts and he rather wants to spend his break smiling together and kissing Louis.

“Good night,” Louis whispers giving Harry one final small kiss. 

They’ve always slept a few doors apart, but somehow, especially now that they are boyfriends, the distance seems too far. Harry wants to be closer with Louis. “Why don’t you sleep with me?” 

If it wasn’t so dark, Harry would probably see Louis’ body tense up or see a blush form on his cheeks, now all he hears is the trembling in his voice as he speaks. “W-what?”

“Do you trust me?” 

“Yeah,” Louis says softly, almost in a whisper. 

“I will never do anything that you don’t want me to do,” Harry explains. “Just please let me make this okay for both of us.”

They move to Harry’s room and close the door to not wake someone up. Turning on his bedside lamp Harry can see that Louis’ face is glazed with shock but there is also a small, delighted smile. 

“Maybe you can get your mattress and blanket? And we can make like a large bed on the floor?”

Louis quietly chuckles. “Like a sleep over?”

“Yeah.”

-

When they finally, trying not to make too much sound, have everything set. 

Harry’s beaming fondly as he does a swift once-over: seeing Louis in a pyjama with blue and white stripes. 

“I’m very easily cold,” Louis explains warily, as he can probably feel Harry’s stare on him, nervously fumbling with the hem of Harry’s shirt. 

Harry walks towards Louis. “You should eat more,” he teases, knowing Louis only eats the bare minimum. 

Louis shrugs lightly, clearly not wanting to reply or continue on this subject.

In compliance with his request, Harry doesn’t linger on. Instead, he takes two small steps until their bodies are almost touching. Harry can feel Louis’ shaky breath, while his own heart is pounding in his chest.

“You look absolutely adorable in this pyjama, but you look beautiful in everything.”

“Yeah right,” he mutters under his breath. 

“You do Louis, I think you are stunning, incredibly handsome. So take the compliment.”

Louis chuckles. “Alright, thank you.”

“My pleasure,” Harry grins. 

“Would you also think I’d look good in a garbage bag?”

“Obviously,” Harry states, tone of voice completely serious. 

“I think,” Louis says in a warm tone of voice, “That you would look even better in a garbage bag.”

“Oh I’m sure of it,” Harry replies, trying to keep a straight face but failing.

He is delighted to see calm features on Louis’ face and a much more open demeanour.   
Harry undresses himself till he’s only in his boxers. He often sleeps naked, (with much displeasure and groans of William the first few weeks) but he doesn’t want to make Louis totally uncomfortable. Louis has made it clear, without verbally speaking, he’s certainly not ready for anything other than kissing.

However, after he throws his shirt away and looks up at Louis again, Harry raises one eyebrow and smirks. 

When Louis notices Harry’s watching him in return, he quickly averts his gaze and blushes furiously. “Sorry,” he mumbles.

“No problem, you are my boyfriend after all, you can definitely watch,” Harry comments in a soft, sultry voice. “Or more,” he adds, smiling suggestively. He doesn’t mean to make it into something sexual, or make Louis fidgeting, but apparently he can’t help himself.

Blinking excessively, Louis clears his throat. “Uh, I’m going to bed.” 

Harry lies down on his own bed on his left side, gazing at Louis. Slightly holding his hands out for Louis, Louis’ expression softens and his hesitant smile turns radiant as he reaches forward to tangles their hands and folds them together.

Harry moves a tiny bit closer to press a light, tender kiss on Louis’ hand, while gazing at him with an intense, loving look. “Good night Louis.”

Louis looks blissful and smiles broadly, returning a small kiss to Harry’s hand. “Goodnight Harry,” he whispers back.

They are staring at each other, faces flushed with happiness, until Louis breaks the silence. “Are you going to turn the light off?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to give you a heads up on how long this story will be. I still have to write the other chapters, but I already know what I'm going to write/how this story will end; now I just have to write it lol. So I can't give you an exact number, but I think there will be approximately 10 chapters left! (it could be more or less)
> 
> And a question: In this story Harry goes to University but he does have spring break. In my country (the Netherlands) only people who go to college have spring break. People who go to university only have a winter- and summerbreak. Can someone tell me how it is in the United States?


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than I intended, but this is a very long chapter so hopefully that will make up for it?  
> This chapter is mostly dialogue, but it's essential to the story!
> 
> Hope you enjoy you wonderful people :)

“Are you okay with hanging out at Ellen’s place today?”

“Yeah sure,” Harry nods, fingers loosely folded around Louis’. “Why?”

“Well,” he begins, seemingly struggling to control the quaver in his voice. “She properly wants to meet my boyfriend?”

“You told her?” Harry asks surprised, small satisfied grin appearing on his face. 

“Yeah? Wasn’t I supposed to?” Louis asks in a timid voice.

“No! No of course not,” he shakes his head, drifting his eyes towards Louis who’s fidgeting in his seat. “I just was a little surprised, a very good surprise though,” he smiles at Louis before holding his gaze on the twins, making sure they don’t eat another lego doll. 

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely,” he answers enthusiastically. “And I would love to hang out with her. She is your best friend after all.” He thinks back about the time that he assumed that she might be his girlfriend. They were so close and even when Louis simply talked about her he seemed to physically relax. Never would he acknowledge that he feels certain jealously when he thinks about their relationship or that he’s never been so happy (even though he knows how hard it’s been for him) that Louis is gay. 

“She has the place for herself,” Louis explains. “Her parents are on vacation.”

“Doesn’t she have any siblings?”

“Nope. That’s why she wants me around all the time,” he laughs. 

“Well, as long as I have you around as well, I’m fine.”

“Yeah of course,” Louis breathes out softly. “I’ll always make time for you.”

Smiling briefly at each other, they drive further towards Redding, towards Louis’ house. 

\-----

He’s supposed to chat along with Ellen and Louis, but he can’t help but to stare at their interaction. 

Harry has only seen Ellen once before at the New Year’s Eve party and that was only a brief moment. When he saw Louis interact with Liam and Zayn, he already felt amazed, but this, this is a whole new level of comfort and ease. It’s like shy, insecure Louis doesn’t exist, as if secretive Louis has completely vanished. As ridiculous as it might sound: he acts completely relaxed, laughs and making jokes. He doesn’t fumble with the hem of his sweater, doesn’t nervously bites his inner cheeks and the only time he does shy away or when a blush appears on his face is whenever Harry says something suggestive or too sweet. 

Eyeing Ellen for a moment, Harry notices that she isn’t particular (absolutely not) careful with Louis. She says pretty harsh stuff and makes jokes about his face. Even if they are jokes; how can anyone joke about such perfection? Such amazing sculpted beauty? It’s odd seeing someone so reckless with him. 

Even though his other friends and family act as normal and casual as can be, Harry always feels some apprehension: as if they have a tendency to act slightly more cautious. Harry wouldn’t call himself cautious, more attentive and mostly protective. He has the urge to protect and save him from harm and pain. 

“You absolute shit!” Ellen screams, practically forcing Harry to snap out of his thoughts. “You can’t even make a decent pizza dough!” she points out, nose wrinkled up in disgust, as she tries to take the crumbly pizza dough in her hand. 

Instead of flinching or looking scared or hurt, Louis playfully elbows her in the side and sticks his tongue out. “It’s not my fault that you are so fucking broke that you can’t even afford to order a pizza!”

It’s all fun and laughter and it reminds Harry of his own group of friends; who are probably stoned or drunk by now in their tent, jamming on their guitars. There is lot of shameless banter and harsh jokes whenever they are together, but they will always have each other’s back. 

“You are so useless!” Ellen says between laughter. “Let me try to make something out of it.”

Harry wonders if he could also act the way around Louis as she does, but he quickly dismisses his new idea. Louis would probably only distance himself from Harry more. Louis has practically known Ellen since the day he popped out his mother’s vagina but he has only known Harry for merely four months. 

Ellen has known and seen him when he wasn’t so secretive and insecure, when he wasn’t so scared and shy. Most likely he was the boy that he is when he’s around Ellen, maybe even more vibrant. Louis has a certain dynamic, an energetic demeanour, even if it sometimes fades away because he’s scared, shy or insecure. There is this lively, almost electrifying glow around him, vibrant blue eyes and a wonderful smile that, whenever he’s laughing sincerely, radiates warmth and brings happiness. 

Was he like that all the time? Or was he still occasionally shy? Did he blush? Nervously fumble with the hem of his sweater? Did he always wear too large sweaters that sometimes make his eccentric collarbones visible? 

As much as he loves Louis and all of his characteristics, he does slightly (a lot) envy Ellen once more. He envies their relationship and the fact that she knew him when he probably wasn’t so self-conscious. Simply said, he doesn’t only want to watch in awe with how Louis interacts with Ellen, but wants Louis to be like that around him as well. Eventually. Hopefully soon.

“Harry, are you going to help or are you just going to stare at your boyfriend the whole time?” Ellen chuckles with a twinkle of mischief in her eyes, raising her eyebrows.

“Oh sorry,” he stammers, rubbing his neck. 

Walking further into the kitchen he takes a look at the pizza dough and when he tries to make a firm ball of it, it falls apart in little crumbles. “Bloody hell,” he mutters surprised. “This pizza dough is indeed really terrible.”

Ellen snickers at Harry’s reaction. “It totally is.”

“Hey!” Louis replies outraged. “I made that!”

“Sorry babe,” Harry hums softly. It only takes a second and a quick gaze at Louis to realize he used the word ‘babe’. Louis gawks in disbelief, but his shocked face rapidly changes into a look of pure bliss as he slightly smiles at Harry.

Rather forcefully, without warning, he grabs Louis’ neck to pull him in for a kiss. 

Louis utters a surprised hum, somewhat stumbles forward, but he quickly steadies himself and eagerly returns the kiss. 

“Fuck!” Ellen whisper-shouts. “Don’t turn me on while I’m making pizza!” 

They both back down almost immediately (Harry only briefly rubs the back of Louis’ neck) and chuckle at Ellen’s reaction. 

“I’ll try to make something of it. After all, I did work in a bakery for a while.”

A loud gasps fills the room. “And you are just telling me this now?” she questions, shaking her head in disbelief.

Harry shrugs. “I’m sorry?”

“You should have told us sooner! If I’d known I would never have let Louis near my kitchen.” 

“Hey!” Louis shouts again, trying to look offended but failing to keep a straight face. 

“You know I love you right? I’m no better. That’s why we never have a decent meal whenever we eat together,” she chuckles.

Harry tries to repair the damage of the dough, while casually chatting with Ellen (who occasionally takes a look on her phone) and Louis. 

Ellen’s eyebrows furrow and a serious expression appears on her face. “Did you see Jeremy?” 

Louis freezes in his spot; Harry can even hear his breath hitch. 

“No I didn’t,” he replies in a whisper, sounding reluctantly.

While continuing to kneading the dough, Harry intently watches their interaction and follows their conversation, feeling the sudden tense vibe in the room. 

“Oh because I’m seeing this post on Facebook-”

“Ellen and I will go to her room for a bit,” Louis explains through gritted teeth, cutting her off. “Harry will you continue on the pizza dough?” Although with the sharpened tone and edge of impatience creeping into Louis’ voice, it doesn’t seem like a question.

“Yeah alright,” Harry nods as he sees Louis firmly grasp Ellen by her upper arm and practically drags her out of the room. 

-

Harry continues with the pizza dough, eyebrows furrowed in utter confusion, mind wandering. What else could he have done than nod when Louis ‘asked’ him to stay here? He might have nod, said it was okay, but it wasn’t. Louis wasn’t only scared out of his mind, he was also rather irritated. As a lot of other times the question ‘why’ comes to the surface. Why can’t he know?

While searching the kitchen cabinets for olive oil (how could Louis even forget that?) without any luck, along with a sense that surpasses pure curiosity, he decides to go upstairs.  
Quietly tiptoeing on the stairs, Harry stops in the hallway and hears inaudible voices from one of the rooms. 

Moving closer to the door, he simply wants to knock on the door and ask for the olive oil (is that truly the reason he went upstairs?) but decides against it. 

“They didn’t say anything, probably because I was with Harry,” he hears Louis explain to Ellen.

“I was worried when I saw the post, thankfully Harry was with you.”

“Yeah but what if they had told him something!” Louis’ voice raises an octave higher, sounding panicked. “I was so scared that they would tell him something!”

“But they didn’t right?” 

“No,” Louis admits with a sigh. “They only looked disgusted, but didn’t actually say anything with words.”

Harry is listening attentively, pure focus and concentration. 

“What did you tell Harry?” she questions. 

“He asked what happened and I tried to keep it vague you know? I couldn’t tell, you understand.”

“Maybe Louis, but Harry seems like a great guy.”

“Yeah right now,” he mutters, making it barely understandable for Harry. “But what if he finds out?” 

Harry’s eyes widen in alarm, heart skips a beat before pounding loudly in his chest.

“He won’t,” Ellen reassures him. “And even if he did- no Louis don’t look so frightened. Even if he did, he would be okay. Trust me.” 

“I don’t think so really.”

“You have to have a little trust in people. You can’t keep this secret for ever. One day he’ll find out.”

“No he won’t,” Louis argues. “I’ll make sure. I just… I have to-, I don’t know, I'll work something out.”

“You are making it far more complicated than it is!”

“No I don’t!” he shouts, voice raised in what sounds like panic. “You have no idea what he will do! He will hate me, will think the same as everyone else!”

“But so many people love you Louis. Your family, Liam-,”

“Yeah but that is different, they don’t have to date or kiss me!”

His stomach drops as he listens at the panic and disgust in Louis’ tone of voice. Harry feels utterly confused, more than before. What happened with him? What is his secret and why can’t Harry know? What makes him so bloody terrified? 

“Louis, give him a chance,” Ellen reaches out to him in a plea. “I can tell how much he cares for you. And I can see how much you care for him Louis, you can’t fool anyone.”

“I know and that is what scares me the most you know? Jeremy can hurt me all he wants, but if Harry would hurt me-” he says in a strained voice. “I don’t know how I would get over it or over him for that matter.”

Harry gasps in shock and swiftly holds a hand for his mouth. A racing pulse rings in his ears, making him loose focus on their conversation. He can only aim his attention on Louis’ last words and on the spur of the moment wanting nothing more than to barge into the room and tell Louis that he will never hurt him. 

On the other hand, he can’t promise he won’t hurt him, but it will never be his intention to hurt someone he loves so dearly. And a secret, whatever the secret is exactly, will not change that. How can Louis not see that? How can he not see when Ellen, who’s only seen Harry twice, can tell! Is he that blind or is it just pure fear? 

The moment Harry’s right hand moves down to grasp the doorknob, Ellen speaks up: “we should go back.”

Completely startled, cheeks burning up, Harry takes a step back. He feels mortified at his own behaviour: listening in on a very private conversation, yet again. Louis would be so upset that Harry has listened to their conversation, invading his privacy repeatedly. However, how could he simply have ignored all of this? 

Instead of going inside and telling Louis how he feels, Harry rapidly walks away with his head down, hoping he won’t get caught. 

\-----

Watching a ridiculous, yet severely entertaining show on TLC while they hold hands, as the side of their bodies touch, should be amazing. The sincere laughs escaping Louis’ mouth makes Harry’s own lips curl up, the brief, ghostly touches on the palm of his hands make the small hairs on the back of his neck stir and the warmth of Louis’ thigh pressing against his, does feel wonderful. 

Nonetheless Harry feels restless, jaw clenched tightly. He truly tried to ignore his irritation and partly succeeded with caused them to have a lovely day and evening with Louis’ best friend Ellen. They did really have fun, although Harry could feel the irritation inside of him. He still feels rather pissed that Louis couldn’t tell him the truth. He somewhat understands that it takes time for him to open up completely, but Harry wants Louis to trust him. 

Apparently Louis is so scared that Harry will find out the truth and even though Harry feels sad that Louis feels so troubled, it does frustrate him even more. Why can’t he trust him? And more importantly, will he ever trust Harry?

Harry unlocks their entwined fingers, turning his body towards Louis as he suddenly blurts: “who is Jeremy?”

Without leaving his gaze on the television he mumbles: “why?” 

“Ellen asked about him when we were making pizza and all of a sudden you guys left the room.”

“Oh it wasn’t a big deal,” Louis reacts, shrugging indifferent. 

Harry snorts impatiently. “Don’t lie to me.”

“What?”

“I could tell it was a big deal!” 

Finally turning his body as well, his face hardens as he looks Harry dead in the eyes. “Alright it was okay? Happy?” Louis replies harshly.

“No,” Harry huffs. 

“Well me neither.”

“You’ve told me it takes time for you-,”

“Yes,” Louis interrupts. “So then why aren’t you fucking giving me time?” he shrieks, lashing out at Harry.

Harry gapes in stunned silence. He has never witnessed Louis so offended and harsh. Usually, whenever they have an argument, Louis lowers his face and avoids any direct eye-contact, mostly looking shy and scared. He stays silent most of the time and only mumbles (with a high-pitched tone and tremble to his voice) incoherent. Sometimes he seems somewhat irritated, huffing or replying with annoyance, but Harry has never witnessed him this upset or angry. 

“I do give you time!” he argues, throwing his hands up in despair. “I give you so much Louis, I try my best! But you have to do that as well.”

“Don’t you see much I’m already giving you? How much I try when I’m so freaking terrified? You have no idea Harry!” he yells desperately, voice cracking. 

“I see that,” Harry acknowledges, nodding excessively. “And I don’t expect you to just burst out all your secrets, but can’t you at least tell me something? Why can’t you trust me?” 

“Harry,” he sighs deeply, the cold, hard stare disappeared; remaining is a pained expression. “I want to trust you, because you are amazing. I just- I don’t want to be broken.”

It’s the most honest he’s ever been (directly) to Harry and Harry feels the thickness in his throat. “Louis I get that, I really do. But if you keep pushing me away or at least don’t let me in, you might get broken. We might get broken.”

A brief flicker of worry plays across his face before Louis crosses his arms and presses his lips tightly together. 

“Do you understand what I am trying to say?” 

“Oh yes, I need to tell you stuff or otherwise you are going to leave me,” he deadpans.

“Dammit Louis,” he hisses. “No that is absolutely not what I meant, blimey. I’m only trying to explain that while you try to save yourself from getting hurt, building this huge wall, you hurt me. You hurt me by not trusting me enough. I know that is not what you want, you are only doing it to protect yourself, but in the process you are hurting me.”

“I feel so much better know, thanks. It’s absolutely fantastic to know that I’m not only hurting myself, but I’m hurting you as well.” 

Harry inhales a frustrated breath, staring at Louis with a slow shake of the head. 

-

“I’m sorry,” Louis anxiously mutters to himself, hands still firmly clasped together on his lap. 

“Sorry?” Harry swiftly turns his body to Louis, looking at him in utter surprise. “You are sorry?”

“You were right Harry,” he sighs. 

“I’m sorry if I hurt you with my words,” Harry explains in return. “That is the last thing I wanted.”

Louis looks up at Harry with a faint smile. “I know. It’s just, when you’ve been putting on this wall, as you refer to it, for so long, it eventually becomes second nature. In the beginning it was a defensive, guarded act I played merely to avoid getting hurt, but sooner or later it became a part of me. It got so bad Harry that I couldn’t even truly have fun with my friends or family anymore. I tried to push them away; I pushed William away even though he only tried to help me. And eventually as I pushed them away, they stayed away, physically or purely emotionally. Ellen was the only one who could look past my defensive, somewhat angered attitude, she was just too stubborn,” he chuckles slightly as he seems to recall a certain memory. “She couldn't care less if I did or say awful things or when I locked myself up in my room or stayed closemouthed. She simply sat next to me, let me rant, cry or whatever I needed at that moment.”

Harry hums in response and gives Louis a gentle squeeze in his knee as a form of encouragement. 

“Somehow, the way that I’d become, became normal. It wasn’t an act anymore, it was me. I couldn’t be the person that I was before, because I wasn’t that person anymore, that person doesn’t exist anymore. It took me years and I’m still trying to open up again to my friends and family, but it’s hard.”

Harry sighs and reaches out to comfort Louis, placing his hand on Louis’ clammy hands. “Thank you Louis, thank you for telling me this.”

“You want to know who Jeremy is? Do you remember when he saw those two people at the park?”

“Yeah,” he nods thoroughly. “Of course I remember.” Vividly. Painfully.

“Well, Jeremy is their son. As I said before, he was a kid I went to high school with. He always taunted me, called me names, but it was bearable,” Louis explains with a shaky voice, shoulders hunched forwards, making him look so small and fragile again. “It got worse as we grew older. He pushed me into lockers, shoved me, spat on me. And one day, completely out of nowhere, he’s shoving me again in the hallway. People gathered around us and they just stood there, watching!” Louis’ voice becomes high and hysterical, facial muscles twitching nervously. “They simply waited for more as they were chanting his name, cheering him on,” he cries out in a voice raw with terror. 

A snarl of agony spreads over Harry’s face, feeling his stomach clench as he unintentionally squeezes Louis’ hand with great force, who tries to wriggle out of Harry’s tight grip. “Sorry,” he mumbles and continues. “I’m so sorry that this happened to you.”

“He hit me and continued to hit and kick me as I laid there on the ground. And as always I simply took it, let it happen to me. I knew I wasn’t nearly as strong as him; I couldn’t stand up for myself. But somehow I couldn’t take it anymore, hearing people cheering him on, feeling so helpless and scared.”

“So what happened?” 

“He stopped when a teacher ran over to us and shouted for him to stop and ordered everyone to leave, except of course Jeremy. As he stood there and the teacher helped me upwards I felt so sick of feeling mistreated that I took my bag pack and opened it, I grabbed my deodorant and sprayed it right in his face, in his eyes.”

Harry’s eyes widen. “Oh,” he breathes out.

“I know,” Louis agrees. “It was such a stupid thing to do and obviously we both got suspended. But his parents blamed me for all of it when their son is the one who taunted and picked on me for all those years! It was so unfair. His parents told the principal that it was my fault, because their son is amazing. They literally said: he would never harm anyone if someone didn’t provoke him! Well after that, let’s just say it got truly messy.”

“Whoa,” Harry response, in lack of finding better words. “This is-, blimey.” 

“His mother yelled at my mother and told her that she isn’t a good mother because-,” he stops mid-sentence, staring at his lap, forcefully grabbing onto his jeans. 

“Because?” 

“I’m not how God intended me to be,” Louis continues, speaking hesitantly and cautious. “My mother disrespected God by- by making me become a freak of nature,” last words spoken bitterly.

Harry squeezes his hands once more, trying to soothe him.

“They almost fought as well and yeah- his parents wanted to go to court because of his eyes, wanted me to be punished more severely for my actions.”

“What happened with his eyes?”

“Temporary blurry vision, red eyes and a lot of pain. And I did feel awful you know? As much as he did hurt me, I never wanted to be that person that would hurt someone else. I-I, just couldn’t take it anymore! Everyone just stood there, watching!”

“Oh Louis,” Harry’s voice breaks. 

Louis’ chest goes up and down and his face turns pale. “I’m not feeling so well.”

Even if Louis would feel uncomfortable, Harry can’t just sit around and simply hold his hands. Moving forwards, he embraces Louis firmly, feeling his own eyes swell up with tears, throat closing up. He’s breathing in Louis’ scent, feeling him tremble around him. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers quietly. “I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.” 

Harry’s holding Louis firmly, pressing small, tender kisses on his shoulders, hearing him sob weakly. Feeling nauseous as he thinks about what happened with Louis and wishes he could protect him from the world, from vicious people who use God as an excuse for their ignorant behaviour and their irrational and dated thoughts. 

Rocking back and forth in each other’s embrace, Harry softly strokes his hair. “I hate that I wasn’t there to help you,” he quietly mutters. “I will promise you that I will do everything I can to protect you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... I have absolutely no idea how people feel after this chapter, I don't even know how I feel to be honest xd
> 
> Anyway; thank you all for your support on this story! For all the kudos and mostly for all the amazing, freaking cool, lovely, funny, etc. comments! It makes me so happy and delighted that people enjoy this story! You guys make me motivated to write, even if I sometimes want to quit after reading other fanfics that are just so perfect and well written. So thank you guys <3 or mostly girls ;)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will FINISH this story! I promise!!!  
> Just have patience as I try to write the last chapters! <3 Love you guys <3 <3

Humming softly and casually strolling around the room, he contemplates about the clothes he’s going to wear for his date while he answers his phone, “Hi Will, how’s it going?”

“Fine, fine. How’s my family?”

“You mean my family?” Harry questions with a bemused smile. “Phoebe and Daisy have already proclaimed me as a Tomlinson.”

Laughing loudly William replies, “I bet they did.”

“Your family is fine,” Harry answers, smiling sheepishly. Taking his new boots out of ‘his’ closet, giving a half shrug and a grin as he continues, “However, Lottie and Fizzy haven’t called your mother as frequently as she hoped or rather yet demanded and she doesn’t seem too happy about it.”

“Ah well, you would think she would be used to it by now with a son like me.”

“Yeah but you are a guy, it’s different,” Harry shrugs, standing in front of the closet, brooding; selectively choosing a pair of jeans that compliment his new boots.

“Yeah maybe,” William admits, his tone altering slightly.

“She doesn’t worry as much about you,” Harry explains as he carefully, with his free hand, tries to get his leather jeans of one of the shelves. “Besides, Holland is holding you under control right?”

“Oh yeah she definitely does, handcuffs and all.” 

A certain image pops into his minds, an image that he didn’t want nor needed to see, ever. Nose wrinkled up in disgust, Harry shakes his head and pleads, “Ah please man don’t give me the horrific details.” 

“Alright, alright,” William chuckles. “What are you doing today?”

“I’m going on a date with Louis,” he replies with a radiant smile and cheerful expression on his face as he lays down his outfit on his bed. Only seconds later, with a pained expression on his face, he realizes his mistake. In a desperate motion he folds his hand over his eyes in mortification. Oh bollocks. Why couldn’t he keep his big mouth shut? “Yeah we are just going to the movies you know?” Harry explains in a jittery voice, trying to sound casual and monotone. 

William hums softly. “Sounds like fun.”

Harry blinks with surprise at William’s indifferent reaction. After his suspicious behaviour lately Harry was sure his words, along with his probably too bubbly tone of voice, would set off William’s ‘alarm bells’. Thankfully it didn’t. That would have been one terrible phone call. 

Clearing his throat he quickly agrees, “Yeah.”

“It’s just weird you know?”

Eyes’ widen and his heart leaps. “Uh… what is weird?” Harry questions carefully, scratching his neck nervously 

“Just, you at my house, hanging out with my family. My brother, you know?”

“Yeah I understand that it might be a bit weird,” Harry admits in a strained voice, fumbling with his words. William has no idea what’s going on and it’s making this phone call very, very uncomfortable. To a degree that Harry just wants to hang up and flee the room. 

“Don’t forget he’s my brother huh?” William continues in a teasing tone and what seems a forced laugh. 

Harry tries to laugh along with a tension-filled expression on his face and a stiff posture. “Oh I know,” he responds with a heavy, weighted sigh. He knows all too well. “Trust me,” he adds. “I don’t want him as my brother, you are already too much to handle.” 

William laughs at Harry’s response, obviously not quite understanding the underlying message of his words. “Well, have fun today and give my family a kiss.”

“But what about me?” Harry whines with a small, teasing pout.

“Well you are part of my family didn’t you say so yourself?”

With a faint smile, noticing the tension decrease by the second, he agrees, “Yeah that’s right. So when I’ll see you at the dorms I’m going to give you a big kiss.”

“A hug is fine,” William points out in a teasing tone.

Harry shakes his head, laughing sincerely. “No. You wanted me to give your family a kiss, so I’m going to give you a kiss in the name of your family,” he playfully challenges. 

“Thanks,” he deadpans. “That’s really generous of you but you know, you don’t have to have an excuse to kiss me right?”

“I don’t?”

“Nah, but I might have to explain a few things to my girlfriend though.”

“I don’t want to get in between of you guys, especially after knowing she’s in control,” Harry admits with a twinkle of mischief. 

“Hey,” William drawls out, sounding exactly like Harry would. “I’m in control as well… sort of.”

“Yeah right,” Harry chuckles. “Bye weirdo.”

“See you later bro.”

He hangs up with a heavy sigh of relief. When William asked him, ever so casual, what Harry was doing today, it felt only natural to say that he’s going on a date with Louis. Momentarily, in his daze of joyfulness, forgetting about the fact that William doesn’t know about them yet. Harry feels relieved that, despite him blurting out stuff, everything turned out fine. Like it always does between them. 

Nevertheless, It does bother Harry that all the tension and wariness that there is lately is because of Harry. First he has this silly crush on William’s girlfriend, next he falls madly in love with his twin brother and now he’s too cowardly, too frightened to tell William the truth about Louis. Even though he did promise him he would tell when things get clearer. He agreed that he would tell William why he’s been grinning like the Cheshire cat. However, he didn’t want or is going to talk about it through the phone. They need to talk about it in real life, face-to-face, so that Harry can (if necessary yet most likely a necessity) do some serious damage control.

Phoebe comes in without knocking, sitting down at Harry’s (William’s) bed. It is habit that, along with the overall lack of privacy, Harry isn’t used to in his own home in England. 

Phoebe is grinning at Harry; making his slight irritation about certain ‘issues’ around the house simply vanish and turn into a feeling of affection. He loves Phoebe, he loves this whole loud yet warm family. When they heard about Harry and Louis officially being boyfriends,  
They were extremely excited. Phoebe did a victory dance, Daisy’s eyes sparkled as she enthusiastically cheered how she could now do his hair all the time, Jay’s eyes were filled with happy tears as she hugged them both and Dan congratulated them with a sincere look of pride. His own bloody sister wasn’t as even enthusiastic (which doesn’t really surprise Harry because the Tomlinson’s are hard to top in their exuberant behaviour). 

Trying to put on his extremely tight pants, with an impatience girl in his room, he thinks back to one of his first days at the Tomlinson’s. He smiles broadly as he recalls the day he, rather proudly, admitted to Daisy and Phoebe that he wanted a prince instead of a princess. The next minute Louis showed up, like a stuttering, nervous mess, asking him to go to the cinema with him. And now, they are going back to the cinema on a date, as boyfriends. 

“Are you ready?” Phoebe asks impatiently, bouncing on the balls of her feet. 

“Yeah, just have to put on my boots and I’m ready.” Harry sits down next to Phoebe on the bed as he puts on his red boots with a higher heel than he normally wears. 

“Are those women shoes?” Phoebe questions with raised eyebrows, staring at the boots with a wondering glance. 

Harry chuckles and as he zips up the last boot he looks up at Phoebe. “No these are men boots.”

“What?”

“These are just like the other boots I normally wear, only with a heel,” Harry explains calmly. 

“But aren’t heels only for girls?”

Shaking his head he answers, “No not necessarily. I think it’s just depends on what you prefer as a person.”

Although there is still a small, confused gaze in her eyes, she nods. 

Harry faintly smiles at Phoebe as he stands up. Running his fingers through his hair (this time thankfully without painful braids in them) he checks into the mirror once. He smiles. “I’m ready.”

“They look good on you,” Phoebe eventually proclaims proudly. “You look like a rock star.”

\-----

He gapes in stunned silence as he looks around one of the rooms of the cinema. “Where is everyone?”

“This is just for us.” 

Harry shakes his head in disbelief. “But is that even legal?”

“Well let’s just say that Liam and Zayn have their tricks,” Louis winks. 

“This is amazing, thank you Louis,” Harry grins, fingers loosely clasped around Louis’ wrist.

As they walk further into the room, Harry looks up at Louis. “Where do you want to sit?”

Louis shrugs. “I don’t care, wherever you want.”

“I want to sit in the exact middle, having the perfect view for the screen.”

Louis raises his eyebrows, adoringly shaking his head at Harry’s determination as he starts counting all the chairs. 

Impatiently waiting for Harry to finish his extremely serious task, he taps his finger on his shoulder. “Have you figured it out yet?” he asks amused. 

“No,” Harry instantly replies, laughing loudly.

With a bark of laughter and a teasing bump to his shoulder Louis decides to sit down. “This seems like the middle.”

Harry follows Louis suit in a fast-paced strut, eyes glinting with pleasure as he sits down next to Louis. 

“Excuse me! What are you doing here?” a voice speaks over the intercom.

Eyes widen in alarm, feeling his pulse hammering, Harry swiftly turns his head. “What? Who was that? Should we go?”

Louis giggles. “That was just Liam.”

“Have you finally taken your seats?” Liam continues. 

“Yes we have,” Louis shouts loudly. “Now shut up and play the movie.”

“Yes boss. Enjoy the movie.”

The movie starts and they both sink comfortably in their chairs. Sitting relaxed, hearing the intro blasting from the speakers. They hold and absentmindedly brush or caress each other’s hand. Harry smiles with a heavy-lidded look of satisfaction and stares at Louis in the dim lights. 

-

The movie has only been playing for a little while before another voice comes from the intercom, making Harry’s heart jump. “Hello, hello. Are you guys enjoying yourself?”

“Is that Zayn?” Harry questions in a whispered tone, even though they are the only ones in the room.

“Yes they really can’t stop can they?”

“No they can’t,” Harry chuckles.

“Sorry for my friends. You can continue to watch the movie,” Louis explains. “I’ll talk to them if they do it again.”

“It’s okay,” he shrugs with a lazy smile. “To be honest, I wasn’t even watching or paying attention to the movie.”

Louis inhales a sharp breath. “Oh.”

After a short while he timidly asks, “What where you doing?”

“Watching you.” 

“Oh,” he says once more. “I don’t really know how to reply.”

Harry turns his body towards Louis, even though he can’t see Louis’ facial expression, his little pinch in Harry’s hands says enough. Harry can imagine how Louis darts his gaze, having reddened cheeks. “You don’t have to answer, I was just thinking.”

“Yeah? About what?”

“I was thinking about us,” Harry admits somewhat shyly, feeling his own cheeks burn up. 

Louis moves in his chair until he’s also facing Harry. “And?” 

“I was thinking how happy I am.” And the moment he says it, the light on the screen turns brighter, momentarily seeing the expression on Louis’ face that makes Harry’s heart beating rapidly. They exchange a small but powerful scorching look.

“I am happy too Harry,” Louis smiles coyly.

Feeling his stomach flutter and with an inner sense of warmth, security and desire, he curiously asks, “How do you picture your life in a few years? What do you want?”

“Uh,” he begins quietly and doubtfully. “Not sure what you mean?”

“It can be anything, what kind of job do you want? Where do you want to live in the future? Do you want pets?”

It takes a moment before Louis answers. “Yeah I love animals, all sorts. But I would really like to have, I know it’s insane, a chameleon.”

“Yeah? It’s not insane, they look amazing!”

“They do right?” Louis replies cheerily and from that moment on he starts talking freely about his love for animals and places he wants to visit.

Harry loves to hear Louis talk, loves to hear him talk about his passions, about the things he wants in life. 

“And maybe in a few years I’ll go to college when I have-,” Louis abruptly stops mid-sentence and tenses up beside Harry. Instead of looking at Harry (or at least in Harry’s direction) as he did for the last couple of minutes, cheerfully talking about his passions with cute hand gestures, he turns his head and as far as Harry can tell with the small flickering lights of the screen, Louis tightens his grip on the chair. 

The sudden change certainly doesn’t go unnoticed by Harry who gawks in disbelief, briefly speechless. 

“When you have what?” 

“Just when everything is more stable you know?” Louis mumbles.

Eyeing him sceptically, Harry wonders what he means but he nods nonetheless. What was he about to say? Should Harry push further for an answer or should he accept yet another vague response?

“What about you?” Louis quickly asks in return, searching for Harry’s hand and pinches it softly. “Please?”

Harry smiles weakly. This date has been nothing but wonderful and Harry doesn’t want to change it. Especially when Louis is pleading him to let it go. 

Surging forward, Harry gives Louis a small, tender kiss on the cheek before he talks about the things he wants in life. And as he talks about the things he wants for the future, he realizes how much has changed in such a short amount of time. Not even five months ago Harry would have said that he dreamt of finding the perfect girl. They would fall in love, marry and start a family; living the suburban bliss. The fact is, he still wants all of that, but now he wants that dream with a boy named Louis. 

“I would love to live in America, but of course if we have the money we should buy our vacation house in London, so we can visit my family on a regular basis.”

“We?”

He recoils in horror, biting the inside of the cheek. “Yeah,” Harry mumbles. Suddenly feeling somewhat ashamed for talking about ‘we’ when they just officially started dating. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Harry apologizes; wishing they could stop the movie and turn on the bloody lights so that they can have this conversation while they can look at each other properly. “I just-,” he continues fumbling for the right words. “I just know I want you around for a long time.”

“You are?”

Harry’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “Are you serious? Of course I want that, you should know that by now.”

“Yeah I guess,” Louis quietly says with insecurity in his voice.

“Dammit Louis,” Harry spits out irritated, clenching his fists, making Louis jump next to him. He doesn’t want to let out his frustration again, but he hates it that Louis still doesn’t see how important he is for Harry. “You should know how much I care about you, so much Louis.”

“I do,” he replies a bit steadier, pinching Harry’s hand.

Harry wants to let it go, but he can’t keep his mouth shut, can’t help but wonder. “Do you want that Louis? Do you want me to be around in a few years?”

Louis inhales a sharp breath that seems incredibly loud even with the loud volume of the movie that is still playing. 

“Do you?” Harry insists in a demanding tone.

“Yes god so much,” he breathes out in all sincerity. “I love-,”

Now it’s Harry heart that stops beating.

“-being around you.” 

Oh. 

“I love being around you too.”

\----------

Harry’s eyes range freely up and down from Louis’ perfect face to his lustful body until he stops to meet his eyes. Their faces are nearly touching as they look at each other with open fondness, smiling suggestively. After the perfect movie date they decided to continue the date by ‘watching’ another movie in William’s room on Harry’s laptop. They stopped the movie after five minutes and endless flirty looks. 

Just as the longing becomes unbearable, Louis’ lips meet Harry’s. The warmth of his mouth sends a current running through his body. He run’s his tongue slowly over Louis’ lips as they deepen the kiss. And Harry loses himself in his peppermint breath and soft lips. 

Harry slides his hand from Louis’ neck to his shoulder and he goes even further down, wanting to feel his tiny waist, wanting to feel Louis’ body. But Louis quickly takes Harry’s hand and pushes it away, back to his shoulder. 

“Why can’t I touch you?” Harry whispers softly in Louis’ ear before he trails down and gives a long and passionate kiss just behind the back of Louis’ ear, slightly sucking on the skin. 

Carrying on kissing each other and brushing each other’s neck and arms, Harry let’s his hand slide down to Louis’ lower back again, slowly lifting his shirt up. Trailing his fingers around his lower back, while noticing how Louis’ hands move further down to Harry’s chest. 

As Louis bites onto Harry’s lower lip and a small high-pitched sob escapes his mouth, Harry feels so utterly turned on that his body reacts on his own; bucking his hips up to Louis, who in return moves away. Again. 

“Please let me touch you!” Harry pleads. He knows he’s whining, but this is the umpteenth time that Louis and Harry ended up in a heated make out session that Louis stops abruptly. As much as he understands Louis has his boundaries, Harry just really wants to touch Louis. He wants to feel his gorgeous body, wants to kiss his stomach, his thighs… wants so much. For Louis’ sake he tries to contain himself, but it’s difficult.

“I don’t feel comfortable Harry, please.”

“Okay,” Harry huffs, moving further away from Louis. He knows he’s acting like a child, but right now his brain isn’t working rationally. 

Without any notification, Louis suddenly stands up from the bed. He’s probably going to his room again, Harry will say sorry and then they start over: the cycle continues.

However, this time Louis doesn’t move away; he kneels down in front of Harry on the bed, directly in front of Harry’s pants. Louis’ small hands move towards his dick and the simplest ghostly touch is making him squirm, mouth going dry.

But as he takes one look at Louis he stops him. Louis’ face is pale and he has a pensive look on his face. “Stop, you don’t have to do this.”

Louis looks up with mirthless smile, eyes blank. “But I want to make you feel good.”

He never wants to hear those words from Louis when he looks this upset, so pained. “Come on stop this. You don’t need to do this.”

“Yes I do!” Louis replies harshly and Harry is completely taken aback by his accusatory tone.

“Why?” he asks dumbfounded. 

“Otherwise you will leave me!” Louis cries out.

Harry sits down next to Louis. Folding his hands around Louis’ face, stroking his cheek, he softly replies. “No love, I will never do that. Please don’t think of me like that. You know I’m not here for that. Please.”

“I know,” Louis sniffs. “I just know you want to.”

“I can’t say I won’t Louis, because I think you are so gorgeous. But I will never do something you don’t want me to do. I just don’t understand why you don’t want me to.”

“You just can’t.”

“But why?” he inquiries, pursing his lips thoughtfully as he tries to understand why Louis doesn’t want him to touch him. 

“I can’t tell you.”

With a heavy sigh and a delayed response Harry pleads softly, “Please, I need your trust. Things started to go so good. You opened up so much, please trust me. Please tell me what is wrong? Why can’t I touch you?”

Suddenly Louis breaks down in tears and pulls his knees up to his chest. “I’m sorry Harry, I’m so sorry,” his voice is filled with tears, gasping for breath. “Please don’t leave me.”

Even though he doesn’t know what is wrong, he knows that Louis seems terrified that Harry might leave him. “Of course not Louis, of course not,” Harry whispers softly, rubbing his back soothingly. 

“Please,” he keeps begging, crying uncontrollably as hiccups escape his mouth and his body shakes violently. 

The last time he saw Louis even remotely this vulnerable was when he talked about Jeremy. Harry had felt so useless, so upset that he couldn’t do anything for Louis and that he wasn’t there when Louis needed him. 

Seeing him like this again, makes Harry feel heartbroken, shattered. The difference is that this time he can do something about it; he can show Louis that he’s not leaving even if that means that he can’t go further right now. That’s a small price to pay for Harry to be with the guy of his dreams, the guy that he will have a house with along with at least three cats, two dogs and of course a chameleon. 

Harry hugs Louis, as far as possible in this cramped position, as he tries to soothe him with calming words, letting him know he is here and he is not going anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!UPDATE!!!  
>  Okay as you all know I don't update frequently lately, I'm so sorry :(  
> Right now it's because I have an inflammation :( So don't feel well right now, but it will be better soon.  
> Anyway, because I know as a reader myself how utterly annoying it is when someone updates so irregular, I'm going to do it differently from now on!  
> From next week forward I will complete the WHOLE story, so all the chapters that still need to be done until the story is finished. And after that I will upload all the chapters. So it means you have to wait a while before i'll finish everything, but at least when I finally update you can read the whole story!  
> How do you guys feel about this?  
> You guys rock BTW <3  
> \-----
> 
> Okay... so I really hope you enjoyed this chapter although I had a lot of trouble with it! Probably because I haven't been writing lately and the only things I did write were for school (so in Dutch)... and ugh I hate the last part because I feel it's so utterly cliche. But the thing is, it felt natural to write it, but I cringed because I hate it when it is cliche. So sorry for that, but hopefully you can understand why I put it here because it's a big part of the secret/storyline. 
> 
> Okay... that's all for now. Thank you for everyone who reads this story, leaves kudos and the ones that take the time to leave the most awesome comments: you guys are amazing! :)
> 
> And I just read the boys left Modest!! PARTY! Now Syco and then freedom :)


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!!! :)  
> First of all, I haven't finished this story/book yet! However, I did want to post this chapter basically to tell you all: I'm still here and I'll finish this story :) 
> 
> Also, I haven't written anything in a few months, so I apologize in advance for all the errors and the (most likely) incoherent parts!
> 
> Nonetheless I truly hope you enjoy this chapter and have the patience for me to finish the book for you guys to enjoy!

Beautiful long eyelashes fall over his, sadly with prominent dark circles, eyes. His hands are placed firmly under his left cheek as he softly breathes in and out while occasionally a faint snore escapes his half-open mouth. He looks small, even smaller than usual, as he’s curled up in the bed in a deep sleep.

Last night they stayed in an awkward hugging position (with Louis’ knees and folded arms pressing into his own and Harry’s chest) until Louis had finally calmed down. Harry doesn’t know how long they stayed in the same position, but it was long enough for him to get hyperaware of his itchy nose and the minor pain that he felt in his lower back. It didn’t matter; he stayed with Louis as he tried to comfort him, telling him over and over in a whispered voice that he wouldn’t leave him. And if he once made a strange movement, quickly rubbing his nose on Louis’ sleeve to release some of the itch, Louis didn’t seem to notice.

Afterwards they lay next to each other in William’s bed, ever so often touching each other’s hand or gently brushing their arms against one another and talking, until they were both completely drained. Surprisingly, as they decided to go sleep, Louis didn’t move. He didn’t move away from the bed and swiftly ran to his own room. No, he stayed with Harry. And with a simple “Night” and a small kiss, Harry quickly fell into a peaceful sleep with Louis by his side.

The corners of Harry’s mouth turn upwards as he continues to stare at Louis. Even after a very emotional and exhausting night, Louis looks exquisite; an alluring sight that Harry can’t get enough of. Waking up beside Louis, taking in the sight of this beautiful boy, makes Harry aware that he wants to wake up beside him for the rest of his life. He wants to be with him and show him how much he loves him. Harry wants to whisper sweet words ever so softly in his ear, hug him ever so tightly and kiss him ever so gently.

Reaching out, he tenderly strokes Louis’ cheek.

A small grunt escapes from Louis’ throat as he slowly wakes up; slightly stretching his body, opening his eyes to look back at Harry. “Uhhh, hi.”

“Hey,” Harry whispers back, continuing to stroke Louis’ cheek.

Louis backs away, looking self-conscious as he runs his hands through his hair and covers himself by crossing his arms in front of his body. 

“Don’t. You look so beautiful.”

Louis’ face heats up while he tries to look down, holding the duvet even closer around himself. “Thanks,” he mutters. “You look more beautiful.”

Harry shakes his head, a bemused smile on his face. “Not possible.” Leaning forward he gives Louis a small, close-mouthed kiss on the lips.

Giving a small kiss in return, Louis turns around, seemingly ready to get up.

“Can we just lay here for a moment?” Harry quickly asks.

“What time is it?” Louis questions, searching for his phone. “I have to be at work at 10.”

“At 10? Why so early?” 

“It is spring break. We always open extra early in the vacation, lots of kids movies start early,” Louis clarifies as he takes a quickly glance at his screen before lying down again to his side facing Harry. 

“Can we cuddle for a bit, please?”

Harry notices a quick flash of worry in Louis’ eyes, but he smiles nonetheless. “Yeah,” he agrees with a hesitate nod. “I still have time.”

There is always a slight hesitation upon intimate contact, but as long as Harry accepts Louis’ boundaries, letting Louis take the upper hand, Louis is alright. He goes from tense and cautious when their bodies first connect, to fairly calm and eventually to a degree of content where he breathes out a sigh of relief and even dares to touch Harry.

Shifting his body until he’s in a comfortable position, Harry holds his left arm out for Louis.  
Louis smiles and moves further towards Harry; laying his head down between his chest and shoulder.

They talk casually as a look of pure bliss displays on Harry’s face. The warmth of Louis’ head between his chest and shoulder lingers, making Harry’s heart leap. This is how he pictured it. After seeing endless couples in his face and on television, this is what he wanted. This is the feeling he craved for while not knowing what he truly had missed before Louis; how being in love is so overwhelming and intimate, yet so simple and pure. 

“- So that’s why I applied for a job at the local cinema,” Louis finishes his story. 

“Because of the free movies?” Harry laughs. 

“Okay, it’s silly. But Liam told me it was the best job ever.”

“And you don’t mind the uneven hours?”

Shaking his head a little he replies, “No, it’s pretty decent money and most of my colleagues are nice and –”

“Yeah? Any colleagues I have to worry about?”

“Worry about?” Louis questions in a confused tone of voice. 

“I mean like worry someone wants to steal you from me.”

Instantly Louis scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Yeah right.”

“Louis I was being serious.”

“I know,” Louis replies, the sadness apparent in his voice, “I know.”

“Louis,” Harry begins in a stern voice. 

“No please Harry, don’t. Thank you for worrying, but you definitely,” he emphasizes on the definitely, “don’t have anything to worry about.”

An ache tightens in Harry’s chest, hating the fact that Louis can’t believe someone would want to be with him. Shifting his body, Harry wants to look Louis in the eye but doesn’t succeed because Louis has his head down completely; avoiding any eye-contact. “I don’t think you know the impact you have on people,” Harry insists, thinking back about the first time he saw Louis and the impact he had made on Harry. How from the beginning he was mesmerized by this boy and what in such a short amount of time grew into so much more.

“I’m sure at least one of your colleagues has a secret crush on you. Because how can they not? You are so beautiful,” he rants on, feeling Louis tensing up beside him, making small yet shaky unnerving movements. “I didn’t even know I liked guys before I met you.”

As if Louis wasn’t already trying to worm his way out, now he’s backing away with a shudder, sitting up on the bed. “I really have to get to work,” he mumbles.

“Just one minute please? I promise I’ll stop talking.”

With an exaggerated sigh and a very slightly shake of the head, Louis silently agrees by lying back down on the bed and finally meeting Harry’s eyes for a mere second.

Harry notices desperation on Louis’ features, shadowed by pain. “I’m sorry,” he says in a hushed, tearful voice, not really knowing what else to say.

“I thought you said you would stop talking?” Louis questions as a tiny smile plays on his face. 

Harry chuckles and shakes his head in amusement, the heaviness of not even a minute ago is gone or at least pushed aside for now. “Yes you are right, I’ll stop talking but can I spoon you?”

Louis’ eyebrows shoot up in surprise as he looks at Harry. “You want to spoon me?”

Simply nodding with a lazy smile he waits for Louis to turn around. 

As Louis finally turns around, Harry scoops over until his body is aligned with Louis’, pushing himself into Louis’ back. Instantly Harry feels rather comfortable; perhaps a bit too comfortable with his front pressed to Louis’ body.

Harry drapes his arms over Louis’ waist until he’s able to reach Louis’ hands and can fold them together. 

Louis lets out a sigh of, what seems relief, while they stay in this position, in a comfortable silence. 

Playing with Harry’s hands, he whispers, “I love your hands.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, they are so strong and big,” Louis says, with admiration in his voice.

Harry tries to keep a straight face but fails as he grins at Louis’ choice of words. “You know with compliments like that you are truly handing it to me on a silver platter to say-”

“Oh god, please don’t,” Louis pleads, sounding horrified, albeit with a small hint of humour in his voice.

“Alright I won’t,” Harry chuckles. “But you like my hands?”

“Yeah I love them.”

Harry is blissfully smiling as Louis continues to play with his hands until Louis slightly shifts and accidently presses his bum further into Harry. Louis doesn’t seem to notice or doesn’t seem to mind, so Harry stays in the position. He is however no longer smiling as a shiver runs down his spine while his perverted mind takes control. The feeling of Louis’ beautiful, thick bum (that jiggles whenever he walks up the stairs or whenever he runs), pressed against –

Louis clears his throat. “Uh Harry,” he starts and moves away until their bodies are no longer touching. “I think it’s time for me to go.”

Harry can’t even form a normal sentence, can’t excuse the obvious hard-on that he has and Louis undeniably felt. He simply breathes out a “yeah.”

Looking at each other for a very brief moment, Harry feels his own cheeks burning up and notices the red colour on Louis’ cheeks as well. Louis silently rushes out the room, while Harry stays put in embarrassment and sexual frustration.

\-----

“It’s time for you guys to go to bed and take a little nap,” Jay cooes as she picks up Doris and Ernest with, what seems, no effort and gives both of them a gentle kiss. 

Harry enthusiastically waves at the new-born twins; which you can hardly call them that anymore with how much they’ve grown. “Bye! Sleep well!”

“Oh,” Jay adds. “Can you pick up the girls from their playdate with Alice? I’m going to take a bath.”

For a very small moment Harry thinks she is talking to him, but quickly notices Dan at the couch as he clears his throat. “Yeah, I’ll pick them up in a few minutes.”

“Okay.”

Harry has been playing with the young twins for a couple of hours, while Dan occasionally played along but for the most part watched television. And as much as he enjoyed making the twins laugh and read stories to them, they are not the best distraction. It’s not like Phoebe and Daisy who can talk and talk for hours and constantly entertain him. No, in a way it was too quiet with Dan barely talking and the twins mainly exploring with their mouth and hands as they stared at Harry with big, stunned eyes. It gave Harry too much time to think, mostly about Louis. And it’s the reason why the biggest part of him has been restless and mostly eagerly waiting for Louis to come home. It’s not that he is obsessed or addicted, no. Louis is just highly… okay, addicted.

Suddenly, the song _Addicted To Love_ comes to mind. Harry finally understands that ridiculous song, which he secretly jams out to whenever he’s alone. 

_You can’t sleep, you can’t eat_  
_There’s no doubt, you’re in deep_  
_Your throat is tight, you can’t breathe_  
_Another kiss is all you need_

Singing the words in his head, he can finally truly understand and feel the lyrics, because he is addicted to love; to loving Louis.

Dan looks at his phone and quickly finishes his drink.

“Oh Dan?” Harry quickly asks.

“Yeah?”

“This is my last weekend here, before college starts again,” he explains, suddenly feeling like someone is stabbing him in the heart as he thinks about the fact he only has a couple days left with Louis. “I wanted to do something fun with Louis. Do you know something fun to do here in Redding?”

Leaning back into the couch again, Dan hooks his arms over the back of the couch and gives a relaxed smile. “I do, it’s my hometown after all.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Yeah born and raised. And I never left,” he speaks enthusiastically. “Probably because of all the fun stuff that’s to do here,” he jokes with a wide grin. 

Harry laughs along, nodding. It’s one of the few times that Harry has seen Dan with such calm features and an open demeanour.

“But seriously though, there is a lot to do. You just have to know the right places you know? Like, it’s not pretty big or anything, but there are a lot of activities to do, especially during the breaks. I think Louis has vouchers of activities to do in Redding. And not just for the cinema, but also for the bowling alley and special festivals and stuff. Most companies in Redding are small, family businesses. Basically everyone is taking care of each other,” Dan tells enthusiastically. 

Harry patiently listens to Dan, but is flabbergasted by Dan’s sudden storm of words. Honestly, he’s never heard him talk this much. And Harry has only seen him more proud when Doris said “dada”. He understands though, understands that Dan is proud of his own city (it is it even a city?), as is he. Thinking about his own hometown puts a smile on his face, old warm memories flash before his eyes. “That is really great.”

“Yes it is. And if I can give you a tip for something fun to do, I really recommend going to the Cascade theatre. The theatre is truly breath-taking. Did you know that the theatre is listed on the National Register of Historic Places? The structure is in Art Deco Style, completely restored. And they have a wide variety of shows.”

“Thank you Dan. I think you should be a guide for Redding, I can hear the love in your voice for this town.”

Dan looks slightly embarrassed, yet has a proud twinkle in his eyes. “Yeah maybe I should,” he laughs before he takes a glance at his phone and suddenly bolts out of his chair. “I really have to pick up the girls. You can just grab a voucher from Louis’ room.”

Harry gawks at Dan in utter disbelief. Dan said it so casually ‘just grab it from his room’ as if it is nothing. As if Harry hasn’t had specific instructions since the first day he was here, with the girls telling him that Louis doesn’t like strangers in his room, Louis running away to his room when something happens and only letting Harry in when Louis gives him approval to enter. 

Honestly, Harry tried not to make it into a big deal. Even if he found it very odd, he didn’t want to bother Louis and ruin things by asking about the room, asking why (aside from all the other secretive things) he’s so secretive about his room.

And now, Dan seems so nonchalant about it, simply telling Harry to get vouchers from his room. Fiddling with the hem of his shirt and licking his dry lips, he clears his throat. “I can just grab one from his room?” Harry questions, voice uncertain. 

“Yeah,” Dan speaks, waving his hand dismissively. “It’s probably on his desk. See you soon!”

“Bye.” Harry gives one final wave before he hesitantly goes upstairs, to Louis’ room, without his consent. 

As he walks on the stairs, Harry questions how Louis would react if he found out that Harry went in his room. Dan spoke so casually, but he was also in a hurry. He made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, but so far Harry has always felt like it was. 

However, maybe it really isn’t such a big deal. Perhaps Louis is just a bit cautious or he is embarrassed about the mess- oh wait, what if he is a hoarder? 

Once, Harry had seen about it on Dr. Phil and was completely shocked and even disgusted. Harry liked to collect things himself, mostly albums, but hoarding is on a whole different level. How could someone live like that? No, Louis definitely isn’t a hoarder. He can’t be. He always looks so clean, always looks so unbelievably gorgeous.

His hand is already on the doorknob as his mind drifts off to the beauty that is called Louis Tomlinson. And without another spooky or absurd suggestion of what might be in his room, Harry enters the room. 

Quickly scanning the room and breathing out a sigh of relief, Harry starts to relax. No hoarder. No dead bodies. Above everything, it looks average. A little messy, but nothing out of the ordinary. Louis doesn't have a collection of beer caps (as William proudly has on his shelf in their shared room) in his room and his room isn't covered in posters or children’s wallpaper on the wall.

It is actually pretty plain. Aside from a few shirts on the floor (which gives Harry a light itch to clean it up), there is absolutely nothing to worry about. 

A sound from the bathroom ‘wakes him up' from wandering and examining the room. Knowing that Louis doesn’t like him being in his room without him, he decides to look for what he came for; the vouchers. 

Walking towards the desk, he almost immediately sees a pile of paper. Scanning through the large pile, he soon discovers a small booklet with vouchers. A slow smile spreads across his lips whilst from the corner of his eye he notices something odd on the desk. At first glance it looks like a weird pen, but as Harry turns his head, looking directly at ‘the pen’, he instantly notices that it isn’t a pen, but a needle injection. His eyes narrow while a frown appears upon his face. Why on earth does Louis have a needle on his desk? And more importantly what is in the needle injection? Harry feels a knot in his stomach, completely perplexed. His mind is racing, heart hammering in his chest. 

Trying to avert his eyes from the needle injection, he shakes his head. He shouldn’t have seen this, he should simply turn around and leave the room. He shouldn’t have even entered Louis’ room to begin with. Once again, he’s violating his privacy. With his fingers clasping the booklet he turns around and takes a few steps towards the door. 

Besides, there is nothing to freak out about. There is probably a very plausible reason for Louis not wanting him in his room and having a needle on his desk, Harry mutters to himself while he tries his best to find a logical explanation. Maybe a friend left it or he wants to become a nurse, he thinks but quickly shakes his head. No, nothing seems credible. It only adds up to all the secrets that Louis has. 

He should just completely forget he ever saw something and plan a nice activity for this weekend.

However, he’s not even close to exiting the room before he turns around once more. The strong urge to know the truth dominates all his thoughts. Above everything, from common sense to acknowledging someone’s privacy, he needs to know the truth. He needs answers.

Harry doesn’t see himself as an unreasonable guy. He doesn’t need to know every single detail in Louis’ life. But the problem with Louis is that he is hiding too much. These secrets aren’t just small details of his life, it’s something big; something so big that it has changed Louis completely. And if Louis won’t tell, maybe his room will.

Slowly, he returns his task at exploring Louis’ room. He scans the desk once again and even looks under the desk. 

A loud gasp escapes his mouth as he directly stares at a small container, a container for chemical stuff. Harry knows this because his stepfather has diabetes and has used similar containers. He grabs the container, tilts it up and places it on the desk. He carefully opens the special lid, and with a horrified look stares at the bunch of needle injections and syringes inside.

Standing rigid with terror Harry peers at the injections, until a sudden sound makes his heart jump. 

“What are you doing here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'm sorry for the cliffhanger! I'm going to try my best to write more often, because I really love writing but the last couple of months have been very hectic!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments! I was so delighted that so many people still (decided to) read this story <3 And most of your comments truly made me smile; thank you <3

Harry quickly spins around, his greenish eyes meeting Louis’ blue ones. 

Almost instantly Louis notices the container behind Harry on the desk and his posture abruptly stiffens. Panic is written all over Louis’ face as he grabs his sweater forcefully.

His distraught demeanour puts Harry in an alert mood. He nervously chews on his lip, caught red-handed in Louis’ room. “I’m sorry, Dan said I could come in.”

“I don’t care,” Louis mutters in a strained voice. “You had no right.”

“Wait, let me explain,” Harry replies in an eager and earnest manner holding his hands out in front of him. “I know I was wrong for going into your room without you, but –,”

“Fucking right it’s wrong,” he hisses, crossing his arms in front of his chest, narrowing his eyes. However this time it’s not out of shyness. The look of shock slowly fades and his lips are pressed tightly together. 

“But Louis, god,” Harry groans in pure annoyance. “You are so secretive! And now I find all these injections. Louis, why do you have a container full of injection needles and syringes?”

Before Louis can even answer, Harry rambles on. “Why can’t you tell me what is wrong? Why do you need money? Why don’t you want me to touch you? Why?” He runs his hand through his hair and licks his lips in utter frustration. “I have so many bloody questions that are unanswered!”

“Leave!” Louis yells in anger, throwing his hands in the air, avoiding the issue at hand. “I don’t want you in my room!” 

“I’m not going. I need to know what is happening.”

“I will never tell you Harry. Just leave!”

Harry refuses to listen to his plea. He can’t leave like this, after finding the needles and seeing the utter most terror-stricken look upon Louis' face as he discovered that Harry saw the container. “Are you sick Louis? Is that it? Or are you on drugs, is that why you need the money?”

“For fuck’s sake Harry! Leave my room, NOW! Leave this fucking house, leave me the fuck alone!”

Harry tenses up, completely taken aback by Louis’ aggressive tone and troubled facial expressions. Never has he witnessed Louis this outraged. The look of hate and despair on Louis’ face might terrify him even more than the injections. 

“You want me to go?” Harry eventually inquires. “You want to end this, end us, instead of telling me your secret?”

“I just really need you to leave right now.” Louis’ eyes are getting moist but he is still standing rigid as a statue with a clenched jaw.

Shaking his head at this absurd situation, Harry blows out a huff of air. “But why? Why can’t you tell me?”

“And why can’t you accept my privacy?” Louis chokes out, anger subsiding a little, a slight tremor noticeable in his voice. “Why did you go into my room? Snooping around!”

“Okay first of all I wasn’t snooping and secondly, if you just tell me the truth we don’t have to do this anymore. We don’t have to fight. Just tell me and we can leave all this nonsense behind.”

“Nonsense? Nonsense?” he spits, anger seeping through his tone, looking deeply upset and agitated. “You call it nonsense when I’ve been teased, spit at and beaten up because of my so called nonsense?”

Clenching his fists, fingernails biting into palms, he takes a sharp intake of breath. “No that’s not wat I mean! But why can’t you just bloody trust me?”

“Trust you? You want me to trust you? I just saw your snooping around in my room! How can I trust someone like that?”

Harry closes his eyes, squeezing them shut for a brief moment. “I,” he begins but falters. 

Honestly, he doesn’t know what to say. Okay, he might have been snooping around, but can Louis really blame him? If he was just honest with Harry he wouldn’t have. “Louis, all I want is to be with you and for you to trust me. I want to be with you, no matter what is going on. I love you, what can’t you see that?”

Once again he avoids Harry’s questions, not even blinking an eye at Harry declaring his love for him. 

“Please just go Harry. I can’t talk to you right now, I- I can’t do this,” he says with a distant look and heavy eyelids, last words breathless and barely audible.

Harry’s stomach drops, Louis can’t do this. It’s like Louis is plunging a dagger into his heart with his words after Harry just proclaimed his love once more, telling him he wants to be with him. And Louis, Louis is just pushing him away, throwing him away like garbage.

“Just so you know. It isn’t your secret that is driving us apart, it is you.”

The second the words are out of his mouth, as true as they might feel at this very moment, he regrets them. Harry regrets them the minute he sees Louis’ eyes haunted by inner pain while his chin sinks dejectedly on to his chest and he shrinks away in silence like a kicked puppy.

\-----

How can a day start so perfectly well (a little too well he might add) and end in such a great disaster?

Harry’s been sitting restlessly on William’s bed or pacing back and forth in the room for hours now, their fight still ringing in his ears overshadowing all other sounds. His whole body feels tense yet he can’t stop fidgeting, tapping his fingers against his legs. 

Every single argument, every fight that they have had, had something to do with Louis’ secret. It was the reason Louis initially didn’t want to be his boyfriend. He built this immense wall because of his troubled past, because of his fear of getting hurt. However, right now they are both hurt. 

‘Why can’t he just say what is wrong?’ Harry groans, pressing lips together and furrowing his brows, repositioning himself on the bed in an attempt to get more comfortable. Staring blankly at the ceiling, contemplating the question ‘why?’ over and over, he doesn’t even notice his dry mouth or the gurgling in his belly. Harry ponders about every odd thing that he had witnessed; from the reserved attitude and not wanting to be touched to Louis’ desperate need for money, his lack of appetite and his inner demons. Above all, he’s most confused about the injection needles he found today. Why on earth does he have needles and syringes?

In an act of pure desperation, needing answers, he had his phone clutched in his hand for what felt like hours. Grabbing the phone more forcefully than necessary, ready to call his mum, his sister and in complete despair he almost called William.

Thankfully, even in his state of panic, he still had some sense of realization about his irrational behaviour. He knew he couldn’t talk to his mum or sister about this. If he would tell them about the secrets, about the needles, what would they think of Louis? Gemma already feels overprotected of Harry, especially after Louis had hurt him and Harry ended up sobbing on the phone. If it would happen again, Gemma would not be pleased in the slightest. She would probably shoot daggers at him with her penetrating eyes and quiz him till he would be squirming in his chair and she would end with a smirk saying, ‘serves him right.’

Also, he couldn’t talk to William for obvious reasons. He doesn’t want to talk to William about Louis through the phone like ‘hey I’m dating your twin brother, but I found some needles that I’m curious about’. Yeah… that is not going to happen.  
Harry promised William that he would tell him about the mystery person when things started to get clearer, when he had things figured out. He’s scared shitless to tell William about Louis and he certainly won’t drop the bomb to him on the phone. Besides, he doesn’t even know where he stands right now. It’s far from figured out and –

A knock on the door (finally someone knocks) interrupts him from his train of thoughts. “Yeah?”

Slowly the door opens and a tired, somewhat timid Felicity is standing in the door opening. She has a small, shy smile on her face and is fidgeting with the long sleeves of her sweater. God. She looks so much like Louis. It hurts to see the resemblances, leaving him with a dull ache gnawing at his soul. Sadness washes over him as he thinks about the wondrous morning Louis and Harry had. They lay into each other’s arms, simply chit-chatting and in that moment Harry knew. He finally felt complete and knew that he wanted that for the rest of his life. Louis is what he wants. It might be very hard to break down his wall, Harry believes it’s not impossible.

He snaps out of his thoughts as she scrapes her throat softly. “Hey Fizzy.”

“Hi Harry, can I come in?”

Instantly Harry nods vigorously, motioning her to come inside. Besides, what else can he do? There is already one Tomlinson that can’t bear to be with him right now, he can’t take if it more members of the family felt like that. 

Felicity gradually shuffles forward and sinks down next to Harry on the bed. 

Both of them stay silent as awkward tension fills up the space between them. 

“How was your week?” Harry finally asks, stirring up a conversation that Felicity is obviously too frightened to do. 

“It was really nice, but a week with the girls is very exhausting,” she chuckles. “I barely slept, so it’s nice to be home.”

“That’s good.”

“But how are you?”

“I’m alright,” Harry replies in a strained voice, casting his eyes everywhere but at Fizzy. His Adam’s apple bobbing, as he swallows thickly.

“Yeah?” her small voice questions, doubt noticeable in her voice.

Harry assumes that the family has been talking about them or at least noticed something. Noticed how Louis left the house and how Harry has been staying in his room for hours. Biting harshly on his lip and trying to swallow down the lump that he’s been feeling in his throat, as he's trying not to cry. “It will be alright,” he answers her with a reassuring smile. He isn’t sure if he’s reassuring her or himself.

“Alright,” she says in a happier, lighter voice. “Are you coming for dinner?”

“Yeah, I’ll be down in a sec.” Sitting in his room, sulking and continuously rethinking everything isn’t going to help him. Besides, he can use the distraction and some food in his system.

Felicity gives him one final head-nod, warmth visible in her eyes.

-

“Of course,” Jay mutters with a shake of the head, yet a small amused smile is on her face. “I will do the dishes,” she speaks in general while everyone quickly eats their last bite and run off to the living room. Except for Dan, who already went upstairs with the little twins to clean them up and get them ready for bed.

Thanks to the food and mostly thanks to this great family, Harry feels slightly better. Even when they clearly knew something was wrong, they made him feel welcome and distracted him with hilarious stories and casual questions. Phoebe and Daisy made him smile by performing their self-made song, Ernest and Doris made him laugh because they both wanted to eat independently; more food landed on their clothes than in their mouths. Felicity, even though it felt like she could fall asleep right there at the dinner table, talked to him about music and Dan asked questions about his life at the dorm. 

“I’ll help,” Harry proposes, wanting to give something in return. To be honest, he feels conflicted to be alone with Jay at this moment. Her kindness, her motherly warmth, reminds him of his own mother and it makes him vulnerable. It’s something that he can’t afford right now if he doesn’t want to embarrass himself by breaking down hysterically. A big part of him rather wants to play with the kids and pretend that nothing is wrong; simply playing with Lego, building a castle and living happily ever after. But another part of him wants answers, finally needs to know the truth. 

“Harry, you seem troubled.”

He breathes out a loud chuckle while shaking his head at how absurd this whole situation feels. “Yes." He does feel troubled. He wants to ask her about the needle injections that he saw, the container. But does his mother know? Does she know about the needles? What is she doesn’t know? Louis would never forgive him for telling her and besides he doesn’t want to be the bearer of bad news, especially giving the situation he is in. 

Jay turns her head. “I don’t know what happened between you two, but I don’t think it’s my place to interfere.” 

“Yeah you are probably right,” Harry agrees as he takes a stack of plates and places it on the kitchen counter. 

However, as they silently continue to do the dishes, he suddenly speaks up. “Johannah I know Louis has a secret and I know you know something. He can’t tell me what is happening and I’m so confused. I need answers.” He didn’t mean to rant to Louis’ mother about this, but it’s been eating him up from the inside and he doesn’t know who else to talk to. “Please tell me. I can see how hurt and scared he is, so much that he rather wants to keep his secret hidden and stop this. Stop us,” he continues, voice rising hysterically, pulse racing. “Why can’t he trust me? Why can’t he tell me?”

Jay looks completely stunned, face glazed with shock as she stares at him, holding a wine glass tightly in her hand. With a slight shake of her head, her demeanour changes. She places the wineglass back on the table and looks Harry directly in the eye with an empathetic smile. 

“Harry,” she begins in an almost soothing voice, the voice of a caring mother. “I’m sorry to hear that he can’t trust you, that this is happening between you guys. I’ve only known you for a little while and before that I’ve only heard a few positive stories from Will, but I truly believe that you wouldn’t leave him. I can hear in your voice and I can see in your eyes how much you care for him. Sadly, I can’t change Louis’ mind. In his eyes it’s not a crazy thought that you would leave him, because in fact, a lot of people in his life have left him.”

“But you just said that you see how much I care for him. And honestly there isn’t a single thing that he can say that will make me feel differently about him. I won’t leave him.”

Closing her eyes, the corners of Jay’s mouth turn downward. For a second, he thinks she isn’t going to answer him but then her lips part on a pained exhale. “I want to tell you, but that is not up to me. He would feel so betrayed and besides, he should be the one to tell you when he is ready.” 

“But what if he isn’t ready? I can’t just stand here doing nothing!” Harry screams with an anguished expression on his face.

“I know…,” she pauses. “Well, let’s hope Ellen can talk some sense in that head of him.”

Harry slowly nods. His heart is still beating loudly in his chest, mouth slightly ajar to speak again, but Jay takes the wineglass again and continues with the dishes. It feels as a clear sign to end this conversation, but his body is still restless and his mind is still reeling. 

Jay turns around once more, a sad smile on her face. “I just want you guys to be happy.”

Harry peels his gaze away from Jay, looking out the window. Yeah me too, Harry thinks, me too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to chapter 23 getting extremely long, I decided to split it in half! This chapter was a lot of dialogue and a lot of angst and honestly I have no idea how you guys feel about it. 
> 
> I still hope that you liked it in some way (even though it mainly consisted of angst)! However, more importantly I hope you will like the remaining chapters. I think there are still around 5 chapters left! This is purely a guess and it totally depends on how much I have to write for each chapter. But approximately 5!  
> Also, I truly appreciate constructed feedback/opinions. I’m writing this story by myself without any help and sometimes I am stuck or doubting myself when it comes to certain directions a storyline is going. I already know how I’m going to finish it, but if you have any suggestions how to improve my story, I’m always grateful to hear your ideas and I might incorporate them in my story if I feel it fits.  
> To be clear: I'm not going to change my whole story or whatever, I might just edit a few small parts!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize for my lack of updates but at the same time reassure you guys that I will continue this story! It might take a very long time, but I will finish this. So hopefully be patient <3

Sunbeams peek through the thin white curtains from the window and a slight breeze rustles the branches of the trees, gradually waking Harry up. Opening his eyes slowly, blinking himself fully awake, he first notices the throbbing pain at the top of his head. 

Yesterday evening he stayed with the girls and watched some silly film, yet the troubles and worries constantly plagued his mind. At any unusual sound he quickly sat up straight, darted his eyes to where the sound came from before sighing deeply and slouching back in his seat when it was once again false alarm. However, when the front door finally opened and Harry waited, with a quickened heartbeat, for Louis to enter the living room, he quickly heard the footsteps going upstairs. 

While yawning and stretching, Harry tumbles groggily out of bed and pulls on a simple shirt with trackies. He walks over to the bathroom, washes his face and brushes his teeth, before making his way downstairs.

Walking down the stairs with his bed-head, he goes straight to the kitchen. As he walks into the kitchen he instantly sees Louis; sitting with a cup of tea in his hand, silently sipping and staring into the distance. Harry does a double take, blinking rapidly. It looks and feels all too familiar and he’s unexpectedly struck with a feeling of grief as the image of the very first morning reappears.

The moment Louis finally notices Harry he visibly flinches and gives a startled gasp. He quickly ducks his head down, just like he used to do. However, nothing is like it used to be. It is not like the beginning, when they had this timid yet playful start. So much has happened since then; so many wonderful moments and sadly many troubles as well. “Hey Louis.” 

Louis’ eyes dart all over the place except towards Harry’s. “Hi,” he replies in a soft voice.

Both of them don’t say anything else and an ominous silence fills the room as Harry stands frozen, feeling conflicted. Harry wants to say so many things and ask so many questions, but he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know where to start, and if he does, how he’ll ever be able to stop.

Sitting down at the table, he places his hands on the table and folds them as the icy silence between them continues. 

“Sorry for my outburst yesterday. I didn’t mean to get so angry,” Louis says abruptly. 

Oh. Harry’s eyebrows shoot up and he sits up straight, turning his head to Louis. Honestly, he wasn’t expecting that Louis would apologize, not after seeing him so furious yesterday.   
“Thank you,” Harry responds thoughtfully. A tentative smile builds as the surprise sinks in. “Thank you for saying that. I’m glad that we are talking about this because –,”

“Harry, can we please forget about yesterday? Pretend it never happened and go back to how things were?” Louis firmly holds his cup of tea, sitting at the edge of his chair and facing Harry with imploring eyes.

Hearing the desperation in his voice and seeing Louis’ pleading, stunning blue eyes gazing at him for wanting to go back to normal, Harry almost nods. Almost. Instead, he slowly shakes his head in disbelief, mouth slightly agape. “Are you serious?”

“I-I,” Louis starts, teeth biting down on his bottom lip as he finally looks away, defeated.

Harry closes his eyes for a brief moment and sighs deeply. “How can I pretend yesterday didn’t happen? You were so furious when you saw me in your room. I found a container full of needle injections!” he yell-whispers.

“I did just apologize,” Louis responds with a frown on his face, sinking back in his chair. 

Biting the inside of his cheek, feeling the tightness in his jaw, Harry stares at Louis. “But that is not the point Louis. Louis you have to understand that basically the moment I laid eyes on you I was intrigued. I liked you from the start, but from the start there was something odd. Your whole family acted so strange around you and you, you gave me so many mixed signals. There has been this constant nagging, this question: what has happened to you? Why are you so shy? What aren’t you telling me? So many why’s Louis, so many questions and it’s driving me insane,” he takes a deep inhale of breath, rubbing his face as he continues. “After yesterday I really can’t pretend anymore that it is okay. I can’t wait for you forever to finally tell me the truth. Louis I saw needles!”

“But you said that you would give me time.”

“I did, but things have changed Louis. You would rather keep your secret than to tell me the truth, to trust me! That hurts. I can’t just forget and accept this. I’m sorry but I can’t.” 

Louis opens and closes his mouth, as if once again struggling to find the right words. He avoids direct eye contact as he speaks. “I can’t.”

Harry arches a brow. “You can’t what?”

“I’m not ready,” Louis says with a tremble in his voice and a light shake of the head. “I want to be with you, but if you can’t give me time, if you can’t wait –,”

“But Louis, all I’ve done is waiting for you! I have been so patient and understanding. Don’t you think I deserve the truth?” His voice breaks at the end and his chest tightens. 

“Why do you want it so much?” Louis questions, a sudden annoyed edge creeps into his voice as his eyes narrow. “What difference does it make? It will only destroy what we have!”

Harry closes his hands around the arms of his chair, frantically shaking his head. “No it doesn’t. The thing that is destroying us is you keeping secrets from me! Don’t you see how much it hurts me that you can’t trust me?”

Louis is grabbing his cup of tea, knuckles turning white. “This is not about you Harry, I do trust you.” 

“No you don’t, otherwise you would have told me,” he says in a steady, lower-pitched voice and with a stony expression while his skin is burning and his gut is wrenched into a tense knot. 

“You can’t make me.”

“No I can’t,” Harry finally agrees with a slow nod. “But you can’t expect me to be okay with that. Louis I can’t, not anymore.”

Louis crosses his arms and his eyes narrow as he peers into Harry’s eyes. “So what? Are you breaking up with me because I’m not telling you every little detail of my life? 

“Every little detail?” Harry questions amazed. “How can you call it that after everything that has happened?”

“Don’t tell me what happened, you don’t even know half of it!”

“Exactly!” he snaps in a strained voice, pounding his fists against the table, heat rushes through his veins. “Because you won’t bloody tell me! Why can’t you tell me?”

Louis’ mouth tightens into a stubborn line. “You know why.”

“No honestly, I don’t,” Harry retorts instantly. 

“You would leave me,” he mutters, audible stress in his voice and tone. 

“How can you say that? Do you have that little trust in me? You would rather keep your secrets from me than tell me what’s wrong. You would rather stop this, end us, instead of telling me.” 

“I’ve told you it takes time!” he screams, voice rising hysterically while throwing up his hands. “I’ve been through so much because of it and all I ask for is time, goddammit. Why can’t you give me that? Are you really giving up that easily? So I should just bare my soul, all the pain it had caused me, because otherwise you would leave me?” Louis grinds out the words between clenched teeth, breathing harshly. “No matter what I do, you will leave me! You are leaving me now!” 

Looking completely distraught, he rambles on, “You will leave me and you fucking gave me hope. How dare you for giving me hope when I knew it was a lost cause! I knew this was going to happen. I should have never letting you in! I should have never fallen for you.” Louis pushes his chair back and stands up briefly glaring his blue eyes at Harry before completely turning his whole body away from Harry.

When Louis’ eyes search for the exit, clear intent of leaving, Harry promptly stands up as well. He scampers over to Louis, standing closely in front of him to block his exit. 

Louis just told him that he had fallen for Harry. Under any other circumstances he would be thrilled, but now it only makes things more painful. Harry almost laughs out loud at the absurdity of the situation. They have both fallen for each other, they both want to be together, yet they are still here, fighting. 

With a slow, disbelieving shake of the head, Harry softly says, “Louis, you just said that you’ve fallen for me and you know I’m madly in love with you. So what is standing in the way of us being together? A secret? It shouldn’t.”

Except for a very slight nod, Louis is non-responsive, staring down at his feet. His body visibly shakes while his arms are clutching his body, as if to hold it together. 

“Louis, please tell me what happened to you.”

“I can’t Harry,” Louis sobs desperately in an emotion-choked voice, hands clenching in a fist in pure agony. “You don’t understand.”

Seeing Louis in this state of hopelessness, Harry’s reflex is to touch Louis. But as he hesitantly reaches out to him with twitching fingers, he changes his direction mid-stride, pulling his hands back and grabbing a fistful of his own hair. “The only thing I understand is that you are afraid that I’ll know about your secret, because apparently you think I will leave you. But Louis, I love you no matter what. Whatever happened to you, whatever those injections mean, my feelings are not going to change.”

“They will! Everybody leaves when they know. It changes everything!”

A single tear falls from his eye at the mere sound of Louis’ desperation, the tone of his voice indicates the anguish. Louis’ body is rigid, yet his chest trembles slightly with repressed sobs.

“I know that you’ve been hurt and that is why it’s so hard to open up. You’ve told me that. You are so scared, but you said that if you keep living like this, this mask will become a part of you. Louis please let me in, break those walls, please,” he begs. This time he does reach out to Louis’ hands, which are restless by his side. 

With a slight resistance of Louis, Harry takes Louis’ cold, clammy hands and places his own hands over them. “Please look at me,” he requests in a soothing voice, running his thumb against their skin. 

For a split second, Louis looks up. So many emotions are crossing his darting eyes. His face is tight, his eyes full of worry. 

“Louis, there is absolutely nothing that will make me stop loving you.”

“Yes there is,” Louis explains belatedly, a wounded look in his eyes as he takes his hands back. “Me not telling you my secret.”

“It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means that I can’t continue like this. There is a huge difference.” 

Tears are swelling up in Louis’ eyes; his hands shake as he wipes the tears from his face. “You promised me you wouldn’t leave me,” he cries in a whisper before raising his voice an octave. “You promised!”

 

Harry feels his heart lurch at his words. “I’m not leaving you! Just tell me, tell me about the needles. Tell me what happened to you.”

Louis blinks rapidly, a few tears cascade down his rosy cheeks, and then he takes in a shaky breath. ‘I can’t.”

“Then I can’t keep doing this Louis. I really can’t.” He thought being true to himself would offer him some sort of relief, but as he peers into Louis’ depths, relief does not come. Instead, a wave of despair washes over him, more powerful than any he’d experienced before. He promised himself he would be there for Louis and protect him from the pain the world inflicted on him, not realizing he would eventually be the one causing the pain. 

“I’m sorry,” Louis mutters tearfully, chin lowering to his chest. 

“I don’t want an apology, I want an explanation. Please Louis, tell me. Tell me what happened with you, please be with me.” 

Louis is non-responsive, staring down at the ground again while his lips are visibly trembling.   
His fingers desperately urge to touch Louis and tell him that it will be okay. He wants to comfort Louis, hold him until all of this is over. However he doesn’t and fights the guilt that swells in his gut. He can’t give Louis, or himself, false hope. Even though he badly wants to be with Louis, wanting him more than anything, he can’t be with him. Not as long as he doesn’t trust Harry, as long as his secrets remain hidden. He can’t. Not again. 

Turning around, Harry doesn’t even feel his own tears that are slowly trickling down his face and can’t hear his own heartbeat hammering in his ears as he gradually walks away, leaving Louis with his hunched shoulders sobbing all alone in the kitchen. 

-

With his emotions completely shut off, body on automatic pilot, he walks upstairs and enters his room to start packing his stuff.

Taking the suitcase out from under the bed, he places it on his bed and wipes away the tears. He feels completely numb as he goes to the closet to grab his clothes, numb to the pain he feels and to the pain he has caused. 

When his phone starts beeping, he ignores that as well. It’s probably one of his friends sending him drunken pictures or texts, or his sister sending pictures of their cat.

Harry hears careful, slow footsteps going upstairs. Knowing its Louis, an ache burns in his tightened chest. Drawing in a deep breath, he buries his feelings deep inside of him.   
Folding his shirts neatly to fit in his small suitcase, he continues with his jeans. 

It’s dead silent; it’s just him alone with his constant brewing thoughts while folding his clothes. 

After a while, when he’s almost finished with packing his stuff, Harry hears people wake up and go to the bathroom or downstairs. 

“Mum?” Daisy shouts, waking everybody as she bangs at the bathroom door. “Can I have cereal for breakfast? Please?”

“Dais, try to keep your voice down. I’ll be down in a minute.”

“Okay,” she finally agrees and enthusiastically stomps down the stairs like an elephant.   
The overwhelming loudness has begun; it is the start of a new day for them. The family has no idea (or they have tried to ignore) what has happened not even an hour ago. Quite frankly at this moment he doesn’t care, he’s trying to concentrate at the task at hand, without letting his emotions get the best of him. He knows that when he’ll finally start to let the emotions in, he won’t be able to think clearly anymore or even control himself.

Harry waits until everyone is fully awake and downstairs before taking his stuff from the bathroom. Tiptoeing to the bathroom, he knocks on the door (just in case) and when no one answers he grabs his toothbrush and toothpaste, shampoo and deodorant.

He places the last items and zips up his suitcase before wheeling it to the door. All of a sudden, as he takes one last glance at the room, knowing he’s ready to go, feelings hit him like a punch straight to his chest. Harry almost stumbles over his own feet, sensing an unexpected weakness in his legs. Walking towards the bed with wobbly legs, he sits down and takes in the moment of panic and despair. Knowing he has to say goodbye to these amazing people is extremely hard. He would much rather walk away without saying anything.

However, he can’t do that to this family that welcomed him with open arms and made him feel like he was part of the family. 

Shaking his head and closing his eyes while tightening his fists, Harry takes one last deep breath in which he tries to collect his thoughts and control his emotions.

With his backpack on, he walks towards his suitcase and leaves William’s room without another glance. He’s determined to walk downstairs immediately, but somehow he ends up in front of Louis’ room. He remembers the first time he was here and how the little girls told him not to go in his room. Harry has learned the consequences of going into his room when he wasn’t allowed. 

Also, Harry has learned the consequences of falling deeply in love for the first time with someone who isn’t ready. Someone who isn’t able to open up and tell his secrets, just as Harry isn’t able to stay with someone that can’t trust him. Taking in a shaky breath, he softly whispers, “I’m sorry.” Tears fill his remorseful eyes and he looks down in defeat before he shuffles away.

-

“Give Lottie a hug for me, will you?”

Felicité nods and gives him a kind smile. “Of course.” 

From the beginning he saw so many resemblances between her and Louis. Felicité was also more reserved, but she has opened up to Harry in so many ways. The biggest difference between them is that she doesn’t have demons like Louis has. She doesn’t have secrets that keep her from being herself or from being with someone. Louis’ secrets, in a way, define him and make him who he is, when in fact he is so much more. 

Sadness creeps over him once more, but he tries to hide it by giving her a smile in return. He wants to say so much to her, but with everyone else in the room, he simply says, “take care.”  
They give each other a hug, tight and comforting. 

“Do you really need to leave?” Phoebe asks, tugging on his shirt.

“He has to go to school again in a few days. Just like you girls have to go to school again soon,” Jay explains for him, knowing how hard it is for Harry to say goodbye at this moment. “William and Harry share a room at their school.”

“They sleep at school?” Daisy asks, confused.

Dan chuckles. “Not exactly, but we’ll talk about that another time.”

“I will give him a hug from you two, alright?”

There is still some confusion written over both of their faces, but almost at the same time, smiles appear and they nod. “Yeah.”

The girls engulf him with a big hug while he’s trying to maintain his balance. A slight chuckle escapes his lips; a small yet genuine feeling of happiness erupts inside of him. 

Dan gives him a hug as well and supportively pats him on the back. He has already talked to both Dan and Jay, briefly informing them about the situation, but they are still here, saying goodbye to him. 

Finally Harry turns his attention towards Jay, barely looking her in the eye. Honestly, he feels like he failed her. He failed her for not taking care of her son like he promised. He failed Louis for not being strong enough to stand beside him when he needed it the most. He failed all of them, just like he failed his own mother.

Clearing his throat excessively, he finally looks up at her. Her eyes show so much love, which makes the pain even more real. “I’m sorry I disappointed you.” 

“Oh no Harry,” she instantaneously reassures him with a small headshake. “You didn’t disappoint me. I just wish you could stay, make things better together. I think you could be really happy with each other. However, aside from what happens between you two, you are still William’s friend and still part of this family.”

Harry’s thankful for her endearing words, yet feels so utterly heartsick. This is not how it was supposed to be happen, this is not what should have been. “Thank you Jay, for everything.” He thanks her in the most sincere voice that breaks with emotion.

“Don’t you say that again alright? I know.” Jay engulfs him in a motherly hug. “And Harry? It will be alright. It will.”

They give each other one last look before he thanks all of them in general for one last time, waving his final goodbye with a lump in his throat. He leaves the house with an immense heavy heart and a guilty conscious. And this time, it feels like he is leaving for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh that final sentence killed me… what about you guys?  
> I hope you don’t hate me! No but seriously, I think some people might feel or question why this needed to happen, but in my opinion this was very important. For both characters they couldn’t give what the other needed. Louis couldn’t give himself completely (for I think pretty obvious reasons) and Harry couldn’t continue to give in (for some maybe less obvious reasons).  
> Okay this is probably really vague, but for the story and for how I intended it, this chapter was necessary. And I hope, even though it’s a very painful one, you still enjoyed it somehow!
> 
> And I’m sorry for my extremely late update :( I really wanted to upload sooner! And my plan was to finish this ON Christmas… but yeah… 
> 
> Thank you for the ones that continue to read this and support me, even when I suck at uploading lately. And it’s not because I don’t want to write or because I’m sick of this story: absolutely not! But life is just getting in the way… I think that’s the best way to describe it!


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!!! The new chapter is here!  
> That took a long time... much longer than I wanted or anticipated. My lack of updates have mainly to do with my health. Let's just say that my body is working against me instead of with me. I'm so exhausted lately that I wasn't able to write. This week I finally had some time and I just needed to finish it.
> 
> I want to apologize if the chapter has many errors, it's almost 2 am and I'm tired! 
> 
> But on a more positive note: I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

Stomping inside of his dorm-building he feels his veins pop and his muscles clench. His pain and heartbreak turned into uncontrollable anger the moment he sat down in William’s car. It felt like his head was exploding and he couldn’t see clear through his blurred, angered vision. 

He drove wildly, getting annoyed by the simplest of little mistakes and honking the car at stupid people. It was like with every motion the car made as it rushed past beautiful landscapes, he felt resentment rise inside of him. His breathing was loud and he was holding the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles turned white. Louis doesn’t trust Harry enough to tell him his secret. He rather wants Harry out of his life than to tell the truth. 

His short, shallow breathing continues while he walks past empty dorm rooms and feels the warmth of stale air. If Louis’ secret is that special, so important that he can’t trust Harry with it, fuck him. Fuck him and his secrets and his bloody annoying beautiful face. 

With loud stomps, harshly wheeling his suitcase behind him, not caring if it flips or scratches, he moves to his own dorm. Harry was so utterly patient with Louis, so thoughtful and Louis just threw it all away. Just like that. 

Pushing the door open with a loud thud, flashes of a broken Louis reappear. Guilt is eating him up alive for hurting Louis like this, for leaving him. 

He throws his suitcase on William’s bed in one single swift motion and a groan escapes his throat. He hates that he couldn’t keep his promise, that he couldn’t protect Louis from harm. This time, he caused it. This time he hurt Louis. He broke Louis, just like Louis broke him. Louis ripped his heart in pieces and left him with an overwhelming feeling of hatred. 

He’s getting more furious by the minute, pacing back and forth in his too small room, blood boiling inside of him. Harry doesn’t know how to stop the throbbing of his head, the tightness in his chest and the darkness in his mind. His heartbeat continues to rise, making him feel like he can’t breathe. He doesn’t know how to stop feeling this angry, however he doesn’t even know if he truly wants to. 

He takes off his jacket and grabs it tightly, wanting nothing more than to tear the thing apart. Wants nothing more than everything and everyone feel like he does; completely and utterly devastated and destroyed. And at this moment, the anger is the only thing helping him not to go completely crazy and having a mental breakdown. 

Pacing in his room while holding on to his jacket, he’s interrupted from his train of thought, from his chest rising up and down, by a call. He takes his phone out of his backpack. The screen lights up with an incoming call of his mother along with a picture of her cuddling the cat. And it is too much. 

Harry’s heart sinks to his feet, knees wobble before he falls down upon the ground. He suffers a wave of heat, followed by a rapid, shallow breathing while his body convulses in pain.   
He fails everyone that he cares about. When things are getting hard, he leaves. He left his mother to go study abroad when she was in the middle of her divorce. He left Louis after he promised him that he wouldn’t hurt him and would be there for him. He lies to his friends and is mostly untrustworthy towards William. He is just like his father; leaving when things get too hard. A hideous scream erupts from his throat as he jams his fist into the wall.

\-----

After a few hours, and bruised knuckles from hitting the wall, his anger finally subsided. His mind isn’t fuelled with rage anymore, but he is in a state of agony giving him a severe headache and a burning sensation in his face. Hearing nothing but his heart beating into his chest and the small constant ringing in his ears, a sense of loneliness is washing over him. He’s back at the dorm, the extremely quiet dorm, without the loud presence of his friend William and without Louis as his boyfriend. 

Before everything turned into a total disaster, they made progress. Louis was finally opening himself up to Harry. He told Harry about Jeremy, about the wall he had built. Even though he still often held back, he made small steps, both of them did. His relationship with Louis was like a mountain; a mountain, which they carefully climbed, step by step, rock by rock. Until the moment they stepped on a loose rock and fell down on the ground. They collapsed the day Harry went into Louis’ room.

Taking a few more bites from his cold undercooked pasta, swallowing it almost forcefully into his throat, he remembers the paralyzing shock when he saw the injections. More vividly, he remembers Louis’ behaviour the minute he got caught. Harry had never seen him so furious and hysterical as he shouted at Harry to leave. It was the beginning of the end.

Suddenly, a light casts over the room; the late afternoon sun illuminates Harry’s face, making him look outside through his window. A tiny gasp escapes his mouth as he gazes, completely mesmerized, at the soft glowing colourful lights from the sky as the sun drops below the horizon. For a brief, yet significant second, the corner of Harry’s mouth curves as some of the tension leaves his body. 

The peaceful moment is short-lived and the beauty of the sunset only intensifies Harry’s pain. He’s staring motionless, as the soft pink sky transforms into a majestic dark purple, gradually getting darker and darker and enveloping him in complete darkness. 

All he wanted was to forget what happened, what he saw in the room and start over. All he wanted was to climb that mountain once more, together. 

However, despite of his exceptionally strong feelings for Louis, feelings he has never felt before, he couldn’t. He couldn’t forget and move on, not anymore. Not after Louis believed that Harry would leave him because of some secret. After everything that Harry has done, has proven how much he cared for and loved Louis, Louis still didn’t trust him enough. And that is killing him, hurting him deeply inside his core. 

He swallows the lump in his throat and shakes his head. “This shouldn’t be,” he mumbles, feeling maddened by this completely fucked up situation. They both want to be together, they are both in search of happiness, of love. But a secret is what is keeping them apart. 

Quite frankly, he still doesn’t understand. He just doesn’t understand. Shoving his plate of pasta aside, Harry folds his hands on the bedside table and thinks about it yet again. Why did Louis have all these injections? Harry has thought about this endlessly, but he still can’t figure it out. Is he ill? Is he taking drugs? Does his family know? 

All he can think, as he is sitting on the edge of his bed, fingers clasped on the table, is what does it all mean? What is his secret?

In the corner of his eyes he notices small flickering lights from his phone, indicating unread messages. Taking in a deep breath, he finally has the guts to pick up his phone from the ground and opens the locked screen. Two missed calls from his mother and several messages from friends and his sister. Nothing from Louis.

Ignoring all of them, ignoring the pain in his gut, he goes onto Google and begins his search. 

_“Injections for boys”_ is his first google search. He’s reading and scrolling through many sites and they all basically talk about steroids. Louis on steroids? That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. He continues to scan through other websites, looking for something, anything, that would explain all this. Aside from steroids, another word that draws Harry’s attention is diabetes. But if he would be diabetic, he would have told him right? It’s not something to be ashamed of and it could be dangerous if he didn’t take care of himself properly!

He types in a new search _“Needles in a container”_ but all he finds is how he should dispose needles and where to drop off the containers. Nothing is useful. Every search and every website is completely and utterly useless. 

With a frustrated sigh, he closes his Google tab and puts his phone away. He isn’t able to find out what Louis is hiding, he doesn’t know enough. The only way he will ever know, is if Louis will tell him. Will Louis ever be able to tell him himself? 

“Will Louis ever be ready to be with me?”

\-----

It’s Sunday evening when Harry suddenly feels the exhaustion overtake him. He shuts down his laptop, lies down on his bed with his arms folded under his head while closing his eyes.

Everything Harry has done the last two days is trying to forget about what happened; trying to distract himself with endless activities. He ran a couple of miles around the university, went shopping, binge-watched Netflix, eat a lot of shite, tried to prepare for his lectures and talked to the few random students that were also at campus, all to get his mind off of Louis. 

Distracting himself was the only way he could deal, could live with it and act like everything was fine.

He texted with his friends like nothing had happened. Thankfully a lot of the times (especially while they are on spring break) his friends just chat aimlessly, casually. Niall mainly sends shirtless pictures (did they even bring shirts?) of them on a festival, with bottles of beer surrounding them. 

William, gratefully, hadn’t texted or called him the last few days. He only had sent one simple text, saying that he would come back tonight. Harry was relieved because he didn’t want to lie to him about his family. And knowing William, he probably hasn’t called or texted his own family; so he is still clueless on the whole situation. And Harry would like to keep it that way.

He even texted his mother and sister “I’m fine, just busy”. And even though they probably didn’t believe him, it was alright. As long as he didn’t speak to them and they couldn’t hear the crack in his voice, which would absolutely appear the moment they would ask him about Louis, it was fine. It was alright. 

The moments where it was hard to act like everything was okay were the times he went to bed and tried to fall asleep. His mind was restless and even when he was so physically and mentally drained that he couldn’t keep his eyes open, he just couldn’t fall asleep. Endlessly tossing and turning in bed, Harry kept thinking about Louis and everything that has happened between them. 

Between all of it, the look on-, Harry’s thought gets disturbed abruptly as he hears loud rattling coming from outside his room. He quickly opens his eyes and sits up straight, not quite knowing what to do with his hands. Harry’s been dreading this moment ever since William texted him.

William opens the door and the first thing he does is letting his overnight bag fall on the ground before he plops down on his bed with an exhausted sigh. Then he finally turns and looks at Harry with a small smile. “Hi.”

Harry gives him a hesitant smile in return. “Hey Will.” Simply looking at William is hard, because it instantly reminds him of Louis. 

“Did you just come back?” William asks, trying to stir up a conversation, even though it looks like he could fall asleep at any moment. 

“No,” he replies in a heartbeat and immediately wants to smack himself for being such an honest guy. “I mean, I came home early,” he explains, leaving out as much information and details as possible, “I wanted to do some studying before my first lecture.” Harry tries to sound nonchalant and tries to appear relaxed. But honestly, he’s too tired to really bother about giving a stellar performance.

William chuckles and slightly shakes his head. “Only you would go back early to study.”

“Yeah.” Harry quickly tries to change the subject. “How was your week?”

“Ugh,” William groans, rubbing his brow as if to ward off a headache.

“That doesn’t sound good. Did Holland leave you with your handcuffs on for too long?” 

“Ha-ha,” he deadpans, giving a quick playful glare at Harry. “No, I just got so worked up because of her mother you know?” William suddenly sits up, talking loudly with big gestures, the annoyance clearly overshadowing his fatigue. “Holland can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but you haven’t met her mother yet, yeez. She seriously needs to take a chill pill!”

William flips his non-existing long hair, holds his chin up high and points at Harry. “Why isn’t anyone listing at me? Are you all deaf?” he yells, voice becoming high and hysterical. “Hello? Richard, I told you to finish the lawn! You idiot! Why haven’t you done it yet? Oh you are truly worthless!” 

Harry laughs at William’s impression of Holland’s mother, eyes glinting with pleasure. 

William is such a fun guy to be around, he can always make you smile. It’s one of the qualities that Harry likes so much about him. And at the moment it is something that he really needs. 

“And what about her dad?”

William shrugs casually, face radiant with good cheer. “As always, he needs to take some speed. I’ve already told Holland, next break we are definitely going on a trip together. I don’t care where we will get the money or if we have to sleep in my car, I’m not going back to her family for another week. I will go out of my mind and that is saying something with my family.”

Harry cringes internally at his last words, not wanting to think let alone talk about his family. He yawns and rubs his eyes. “I think I’m-,”

“How was your week?” William interferes basically a heartbeat later. “Did you enjoy yourself with my fam?”

Tapping his fingers on his stomach he gives a slight shrug. Harry isn’t the best liar, doesn’t have the best poker-face in the world. “It was nice.”

“Nice?” 

“Uh,” Harry starts, bouncing his curled index finger against his slightly parted lips. “It was more than nice; I truly like your family a lot. I’m just tired I guess.”

William nods in understanding as he slides over to the end of his bed. Without leaving the bed he folds his body in an awkward position. Then he stretches his leg and drags his overnight bag towards him with his feet. “I get it mate.” He grabs his bag and places it next to him on the bed. “I mean, I love to have people over all the time, I can’t stand silence, but even I get exhausted whenever I'm with my family. It’s just a lot of people and a lot of screaming.”

“Oh no,” Harry shakes his head. “I truly love that about your family you know? I love how loud it is in your home, how there is practically not a moment of silence. All of them just light up the room with their presence.” And that is the honest he has been in a while. He genuinely loves the craziness that is the Tomlinson household. However, his mind wanders to the few moments of silence that he and Louis have shared together. How they shared the occasionally silent mornings but especially the evenings when they stayed up together while everyone went to sleep. The times that they spent alone, went it wasn’t loud and crazy, those where the moments he enjoyed most. Those are the moments which still set his blood aflame, the – 

William coughs loudly “Dreamboy?”

Harry looks up, feeling his heart race. “Sorry.”

“They really did drain you didn’t they?”

“I guess they did,” Harry replies with the slightest quaver in his voice. 

\-----

Waking up from his annoying alarm clock and instantly hearing William’s loud snoring is politely said, off-putting. Normally getting up in the wee hours isn’t a problem for Harry. But today is different. He barely slept at all tonight as worry and heartbreak kept him awake for hours. He worried about every single aspect of his life. All the possible, and even unrealistic, worst case scenarios played over and over again inside his head. 

A hard snore makes Harry aware of where he is, turn back to reality. Trying to stir awake, fully opening his eyes, he looks around his dorm. Looking at his temporarily home, which now doesn’t only make him slightly claustrophobic and feeling restricted, it also makes him gloomy. It’s so painful how everything changed so abruptly, knowing that today his normal college life begins again. From this day forward he will be overwhelmed with lectures, tests and papers. 

Last night, he eventually made the decision that he’s going back to how things were before he met Louis; before he started to postpone everything because he was too busy with Louis and being consumed by love. Now he can get back on track. School will be his first priority again and he will finally get a job. And after he has saved enough money, at last, he can see his family. Harry can be with his own family, where he belongs; without bankrupting his mother in the process.

“William, wake up,” Harry half-whispers, but William doesn’t move a single muscle, continues snoring loudly.

Standing up from his bed, he takes one large step towards William’s bed and not-so-gently shakes him by the shoulder. “Wake up you absolute snoring tosser,” he mutters before turning on his heels and getting ready. Ready to start fresh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I don't know how you guys feel about this chapter, maybe it feels like a kind of filler... I don't know. Still hope you enjoyed it though! I try my best :)  
> And I wanted to say that in the next chapter a secret will be revealed!
> 
> This was chapter 25 and there will either be 3 or 4 more chapters!! We are really going towards the end guys.  
> And as sad as that might be, you will finally be able to read the whole story! 
> 
> I won't know when I'll upload again, I can't garuantee anything. But I will try to write as soon as I can!
> 
> For all the regular readers still out there: you guys are amazing <3 Your comments and enthusiasm make my day :) Lots of love for all of you xx


	26. Chapter 26

“Today we have a rather famous guest speaker. She is a well-known criminal defense attorney, who specializes in domestic violence crimes. Give a warm welcome to defense attorney Amal Bailey.” The professor starts applauding and the students follow instantaneously. 

After a slight moment of hesitation, a split second of muddle-headedness, Harry starts clapping along. 

The tall, dark-haired woman, dressed in a fine business suit, walks up the steps and moves over to the podium on the left side of the stage. She adjusts her microphone and scans the lecture hall before turning her attention back towards the professor, who sits down on a chair at the back of the podium. “Thank you for that introduction,” Amal Bailey begins in a calm yet clear voice, opening her presentation on the laptop. “I’ve been asked by the department to talk about my work as a criminal defense attorney. Today I will talk to you about the wide variety of functions that this job entails. I will talk about the toughest cases that I had to represent in court and last but definitely not least I will talk about the emotional aspect of this job.” 

She looks around the hall once more with a look of curiosity. “Are there any questions so far?” 

When no one answers she continues with her presentation. “First of all, what exactly is a criminal defense attorney? I guess we all know the basics, but it is so much more and complex than a simple Wikipedia description.”

Harry already feels himself drifting off, as she continues to talk about the requirements of the job, thankful that he decided to sit at the back of the large lecture hall. 

“Who can tell me why it is so important to talk about the emotional part of this job?” She inquires, directing her questions to the eager students at the front row. 

Rubbing his face, Harry opens his eyes wider and tries to focus on the lawyer. 

A blonde girl in the front row raises her hand and starts speaking when Amal gives her a reassuring nod. “I think because these cases can really affect you personally. It can be quite emotional.”

Absentmindedly Harry taps his pen on the desk counter as he listens to the lawyer's answer. 

“Thank you. The emotional part of this job is rarely spoken about, while learning to recognize your own emotions and being able to regulate them is critical when you need to defend someone. This is especially important when a case might trigger something from your own life or when you are dealing with your own problems.”

Harry’s lips press together in a slight grimace and he starts shifting in his chair. The feelings that he tried to supress rise from the surface. Swallowing excessively he feels his body heat starting to increase, chewing nervously on his nails. 

Not even an hour ago he finally answered his mother’s phone call after ignoring her for over a week. He knew he had to deal with it eventually, but he kept pushing it forward and lived in denial. 

When he finally heard her soft, caring voice, feeling the warmth and love even from thousand miles away, he felt a painful tightness in his throat. And the minute she asked about Louis, he couldn’t lie anymore. All the lies, all the secrecy, it was too much. Honesty was and always will be essential for Harry, as he feels it is the most courageous thing a men can do. 

He shrugged half-heartedly and told her, in an emotionless tone, that they broke up. ‘It isn’t a big deal’ he insisted before quickly steering the conversation to a different topic. 

‘Oh darling,’ she had said gently. ‘I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out.’ A terrible sinking feeling pinched at his stomach and his mouth turned dry. In that moment it had finally hit him. At that moment he realized that this really was the end. Anguish came over him as the faint glimmer of hope that Harry had maintained was extinguished by his mother’s words. His vision started to get blurry as he felt completely crushed. He blew out a series of short breaths to gain control and quickly ended the phone call, by lying.

Having talked to his mother, Harry was suddenly faced with the reality. The reality that this isn’t just a glitch or a minor setback, it’s been over a week and nothing has happened. It is almost like it never happened, as if the last few months didn’t really occur. However, his broken heart speaks volumes of shattered hopes. Something so beautiful ended before it even really began. 

A sudden loud thud startles Harry. He glances around the room and notices a girl, only two rows in front of him, with flaming cheeks, picking up her notebook.

Smoothing his clothes and sitting up straight, while feeling his heart ache in a very familiar way, he tries to focus on the guest speaker. 

“It is a basic civil right. Every person deserves justice, deserves an attorney to represent them. I’ve had several cases where someone was falsely accused for a crime that they didn’t commit. Everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt. What if someone isn’t guilty after all? And maybe even more importantly, what if someone was righteously accused?” She pauses and slowly walks around the stage, gazing at the students who are listening intently. 

“Can you represent someone, when you know they have committed the crime? That is something that you can’t just answer right away, it’s something that you will know, will feel when you talk with your client. Because honestly, most cases aren’t as black and white as they might appear. Sometimes I wish it was, it would make our jobs a lot easier,” Amal chuckles before continuing in a more serious tone. “That is not how the world works. There aren’t simply good and bad people in life, just bad choices. The media gives you a perception of a monster, a criminal, but doesn’t tell you the story behind the so called monster, when in fact the story is essential for the hearings in court. In court it isn’t just about the evidence. Besides needing prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that he or she committed the crime, the jury must come to a unanimous decision about the defendant. The background story can make or break a case.” 

There is a slight buzz around the lecture hall, but Amal doesn’t seem to notice or care and continues. “We as lawyers need to know the whole story. It’s like a puzzle with a few missing pieces. Those missing pieces are crucial to understand the complete story.”

-

The very minute the professor ends the lecture, after giving Amal one final ‘thank you’ and a handshake, Harry hurriedly packs up his stuff and leaves without saying goodbye to any of his fellow students. 

Walking in a fast pace and scratching his arm, the lawyer's words about the puzzle as the complete story keep echoing in his mind. It felt like those words were directed to him, as if it was a metaphor for his situation with Louis. Louis is the puzzle and Harry misses certain pieces to complete the puzzle, to understand the whole story. 

As he rushes to go to his room, he doesn’t feel the warm sun on his face or notices the blossoming of flowers. Harry doesn’t notice how winter has fallen and slowly but surely spring blooms. All that he can do is move forward, looking straight ahead towards his goal while ignoring his heart hammering in his chest. When will he stop feeling so heartbroken?

Reaching for the doorknob, Harry immediately recognizes William’s loud voice and hesitates. He was hoping for some time alone, but no such luck. Turning his body around and releasing his hand from the knob, Harry ponders if he should go somewhere else. Raising his hands to rub his face, he eventually decides to take a shower.

The laugh echoes through the room as Harry enters and before he can even set one step inside or say hello, William shouts, “Ah there he is! You can ask him himself.” He motions Harry to sit next to him.

With slight hesitation, eyebrows drawn together, he walks over to William. Who is he talking to? Slowly sitting down next him, William puts an arm around his shoulder and holds his phone out in front of them both. Without notice, without warning, Harry is suddenly faced with half of William’s family. He flinches and his eyes blink rapidly at this rather unexpected surprise. 

“Harry!” the little girls shout enthusiastically while simultaneously Lottie and Jay greet him with a simple hello and a warm smile. 

He opens his mouth, but no sound comes out of it. Harry feels overwhelmed, eyes transfixed with shock and grief. Instead of recapturing all the great memories, all the wonderful times that they have spent together, he’s confronted with all the pain. 

The girls continue to talk incoherently and Lottie tries to shut them up, making William laugh.

“How are you doing?” Jay asks.

“You’ve already asked me,” William points out with a filthy grin.

She shakes her head with a smile before she directs her attention towards Harry, awaiting his answer. 

He remains speechless for a few seconds, fighting to get control over his voice. “I’m alright,” he replies in a shaky voice, failing to make eye contact. “And how are you?” 

She gives him a very small reassuring nod, which could also easily be explained by William slightly turning his phone. “I’m fine,” Jay answers. “I was just talking to William about his new semester.” 

“Please,” William grunts. “Don’t ask me about it.”

Harry fumbles with his jacket, eyes shifting restlessly across the room. “I’m going to shower alright?” he whispers to William, who simply nods in return.

“Jay, I have to go,” he says with a smile that wavers when he finally looks into her eyes. It seems that there is something in her eyes, but he can’t place it, can’t see it well enough from the small screen. Harry can’t figure it out and at this moment all his energy is going towards acting somewhat normal and answering properly. “Bye Jay, best wishes to everyone!”

“Bye Harry, take care love.” 

Grabbing his bathroom items, inhaling a deep breath to calm himself down, he quickly leaves the room and sprints to the showers. He takes off his clothes and places his items on the shower rack. Looking around, he notices that in his hasty departure he forgot to take his shampoo. “Seriously?” he huffs annoyed. 

Putting a towel around his waist, he decides to walk back to his room. When he enters and hears his all too familiar voice, he freezes. His breath catches in his throat and his heart pounds. William barely talks, let alone skypes, with his family and only talks to Louis once in a blue moon. Why is Harry being tortured like this? 

“Oh Harry is here, I’ll let you say hello!” Abruptly, William basically shoves his phone in Harry’s face. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. If thinking about Louis, about the moments they shared and talking to his family already made him flee to the showers, how can he possibly cope with seeing Louis?

His eyes widen incredulously as he looks at Louis on the screen, feeling a rush of heat to his face. He looks breathtakingly gorgeous. His hair falls perfectly to the side, his rosy cheeks look sharp and his sea-blue eyes, even though they seem weary and wounded, are stunning as ever. 

Despite everything that has happened, his love for Louis remained strong and simply by seeing him it increases immensely. With Louis he never wondered if he was in love, he simply knew. It was the first time he experienced true love. And heartbreak.

William clears his throat excessively. “I’m sorry Louis, Harry was off to dreamland again.”

Blinking, he forces himself to maintain eye contact, visibly swallowing. “Uhhh, Hi Louis,” he greets him belatedly, voice edged with tension. 

“Hi,” Louis replies softly, briefly looking at Harry’s naked chest and becoming a deep shade of red. 

It’s like he is seeing Harry for the first time. It feels like their first encounter; the awkward and shy, yet cherished first meeting. Louis looks scared and uncomfortable, casting down his tired blue eyes and fumbling nervously. 

Harry feels just as uncomfortable, especially with William standing too close and breathing out warm air on his neck. Shaking his head, he takes a deep, pained breath. “Uh, I’m sorry, I was just about to get a shower, so-,”

“Yeah,” Louis nods vigorously. “And I have to go to work anyway.”

“Okay, well bye,” Harry mutters, instead of saying all the things he wants to say to him. His words remain hidden in his heart. 

While Harry flees the room once more, he hears William say goodbye to his brother and Harry almost breaks down in tears from the exhaustion, the pain and most of all from the love that emerged inside of him by seeing Louis. He pinches his lips tight to keep them from trembling and runs to the showers with heaviness in his chest and limbs. 

Opening the curtain to one of the cabins, he remembers he forgot his shampoo again. “Shite, fucking shite.”

-

Before Harry can properly settle in after he returned from his shower (without shampooing his hair), William asks, “so how are you?” 

Harry glances at William for a fraction of a second, noticing how he’s sitting up and hangs his legs over the edge of his bed, leaning forward. Trying to ignore his obvious curiosity, Harry shrugs casually while continuing to scroll through his Instagram. “Lectures were fine.”

“I don’t mean school. I mean, how are you?” 

“I’m good,” Harry responds without delay, his lips curl into a half smile. 

“Yeah? I can tell when you are lying to me bro, you are not exactly the best liar.”

Harry looks up from his phone and surprisingly enough isn’t completely shocked or overwhelmed, he’s mostly annoyed. He knows what an awful liar he is, it’s frustrating. It’s utterly annoying that his face is so full of expression. When he tries to smile, it looks like a grimace and when he tries to sound casual his voice still carries a certain weight to it.   
Honestly, he’s rather surprised that William didn’t confront him sooner. 

“Oh yeah that’s true, but I’m alright. I guess.” Wanting not to make this into a big deal, he turns his attention towards his phone again and looks at funny memes that make him relax.

“You guess? Is it because of my family?”

He quickly spins his head in William’s direction. “W-what?”

“I know how close you are with your family,” William explains kindly, offering a sad smile. “I know how hard it is for you to have your own family so far away and just now I was skyping with my family, which must have been hard.”

A sigh of relief escapes Harry’s lips. “Oh, well no. It was just strange I guess? Haven’t heard you talk to them for a while.”

William slowly nods in agreement, tugging on his left ear. “Yeah, to be honest I was quite surprised as well when they called. And then they asked about you and even Louis wanted to talk to me… I don’t know-,” he stops midsentence, gaze going distant.

Harry swallows a lump in his throat, body stiffening in apprehension. It was Louis who wanted to talk to William, what could it mean? 

“Well I’m like a son to your mother, she must be worried,” Harry replies in a joking tone, but his voice cracks slightly. “Anyway, I’m starving! Maybe we can order pizza?”

Frowning, William rubs his stomach absentmindedly. Simultaneous to his hand rubs, his stomach begins growling loudly. His hesitant smile turns radiant and both of them laugh loudly. 

“I guess that is a yes for pizza.” He grabs his phone and opens the app. “I guess I’m in the mood for tuna, what about you?”

“The usual please,” Harry replies, voice drowsy. 

William nods and hums as he places their order. “Done.”

Harry is just about to lie down for a quick nap, when William continues. “But Harry,” he has a serious, yet gentle tone to his voice, “how are you really doing? You know, the last time I’ve seen you this upset was the first months, with your mother’s divorce.”

Harry’s mouth opens in shock for a second. He knew that his problems with Louis had a big impact on him, but he didn’t realize to what extent. 

He remembers his mother’s divorce vividly and how his college adventurous in the United States should have felt like a wonderful new start, but made him feel miserable. He felt a certain sadness, yet anger inside of him that teared him apart. It felt like he left his mother and sister and that he wasn’t there for them. He felt like he didn’t do enough and fled from his problems. Just like now. 

“Dreamboy?”

A pained laugh escapes his mouth. “Yeah I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize, just know I’m here alright? You can talk to me okay? Or rather, you need to okay?” 

“Alright,” Harry agrees with a short snort.

“No, but I’m serious okay?” William urges with a slight sharpness to his tone. “Everyone thinks you are this open person, a charming boy who daydreams a lot. And you are, you are. And I know that you don’t like keeping secrets and most of the time you can’t lie even if your life depended on it, but you keep some parts to yourself. You drift off when we talk about it and I can see the pain in your face but you say it’s alright. And this is not the first time. I hate not knowing okay? You hate secrets, well I hate them to, a lot,” he admits in a voice out of breath, full of emotion. “I know secrets lead to problems and honestly I just want you to be open with me.”

Harry is completely stunned. They’ve had some serious conversations before, but this conversation feels extremely loaded. “Uh, I’m not sure how to respond to that.”

William scratches his head and breaths out. “Yeah sorry, I didn’t mean to come off this strong. I just need honesty from you. I’ve been noticing something lately, for a while now actually and I don’t think it’s because of your family or Holland.”

“Holland? What does she have to do with this?”

William clasps his hands together and places them on his knees. Staring directly at Harry he speaks, “I know you like, or liked, her Harry.”

His jaw drops and his phone glides out of his hand. “You-you did? But-what-how?” he mumbles incoherently, shaking his head utterly confused. “I’m so sorry man! I, I don’t know, god.” 

“I’m not blind Harry and like I said, you aren’t the best liar or have the best poker face. And it is okay, I guess. Like, I could get jealous and mad at all guys that look at her or like her, but then I would probably go crazy. Up to a certain degree, I've accepted that I can’t permit to be overly jealous when I have a girlfriend that looks like her.” 

“Yeah, but still, I’m your friend,” he says, still completely flabbergasted. His face feels warm and his head starts to throb. This day, this conversation, all of it is too much. 

“Well maybe at first I was mad, but I knew you wouldn’t do anything. You kept your distance because she was my girlfriend. That is what true friends do.”

“That is, so big of you truly. Besides, I don’t like her anymore.”

“Okay, but Harry, you should tell me these things alright? You should have told me about Holland.”

“I know, I just didn’t want to make things awkward.”

“I understand, but I hate it when people don’t tell me the truth,” William confesses, sounding sincere and somewhat upset. “I just rather want to know.”

Harry’s heartbeat rises and he nods slowly. “William, I’m -,” Harry gets interrupted by William’s phone ringing.

“Oh it’s our pizzas, I’ll go get them.” William is already answering his phone and walking downstairs to the entrance before Harry has the chance to finally say the truth. 

\-----

Out of the blue uncontrollable fits of laughter echo around the room, making Harry look up from staring blindly at the blank page on his laptop.

“You didn’t!” Luke gasps, clapping his hands together and laughing loudly. 

“I so did,” Josh grins, a flicker of pride flashes across his face. “I told him that if he didn’t stop insulting my music that I would challenge him for a live music battle in front of the whole department. He’s shit live, completely out of tune and he knows it. You should have seen his face, it was priceless.” 

Harry is hanging out with his friends at their usual campus spot, Free Speech Café. And while Harry pretends to study, the rest is engaged in endless chatting. 

Kristen shakes her head, body still shaking from laughter. “I can’t believe you did that!” 

Harry listens in on the conversation of his friends, while he tries to ignore the chatter of the other students close by, but he quickly drifts off again. 

“Harry what’s wrong mate?” A hand touches his shoulder, thick fingers gripping it to gain his attention. 

Harry flinches at the sudden contact. He coughs awkwardly as he looks back at Niall. “I’m alright.”

“Are you sure?”

He nods his head vehemently. “I’m fine,” he says with a dismissive wave of his hand, forcing a smile just in case Niall doesn’t believe him.

Niall returns the smile, giving his shoulder one last squeeze. Narrowing and turning his eyes, he points at the blank page on Harry’s laptop. “If you are alright Harry, then why haven’t you written anything yet?”

“Does it have something to do with that girl you talked about?” Kristen pipes up, half hanging over Niall and the table to talk with Harry.

“Oh right,” Niall shouts enthusiastically, banging his fists on the table, making some glasses tremble. “You told us about that.” 

Suddenly Harry is faced with an overwhelming silence between his friends. His eyes dart to every single one of them, all of them facing Harry’s side of the table with a wondering stare. 

“Well not so much told us,” Kristen adds with a grin, “but showed us with your Cheshire cat smile.”

“What are you guys talking about?”

Harry looks at Luke and starts to feel restless again, palms grow sweaty. “Uhmmm-,”

Niall gives Harry a good natured slap on the back, his eyes twinkle with mischief. “We are talking about Harry’s love life.” 

“Anyway,” William cuts in with an overpowering voice. “Since Harry is moping around with this huge frown on his face instead of this so called Cheshire cat smile, I think we can all draw our conclusions here right?”

Harry turns his head to William and gives him a small appreciative smile and mouths ‘thank you’. He backed out on telling William the complete story but he told the basics. It was enough for William to sympathize and accept his obvious bitter expression.

“Oh, what happened?” Josh asks, clearly not bothering to drop the conversation as he looks at Harry with a curious eye. 

“Does it matter? It’s over.” He’s sick of everyone eyeing him. He doesn’t want to talk about it, because the only time he doesn’t constantly think about Louis is when he’s surrounded by loud chatter and laughs from his friends and when he has a pile of books and articles to read or a paper to write. 

“Yeah? Why? What happened?”

Harry huffs annoyed, even though the attentive look on Josh’s face has softened, indicating he’s only interested. 

The rest of them, apart from William and Holland (who obviously don’t care about public display of affection) seem just as interested in and empathetic to the story. He wants this conversation to be over, but if he keeps on being vague he knows his friends won’t stop asking about it. They won’t stop until he gives them something more specific. 

“Okay well, I liked someone and it felt amazing, but everything felt secretive and unclear. So during break I confronted this person and that is when it all fell apart. We had this huge fight and basically we weren’t in the same place.” 

“I’m sorry,” Kristen pipes up once more, a sad smile on her face. “I didn’t know.”

“Yeah it sucks,” Josh agrees. “You should have come with us on break instead of going to William’s family-no offense.”

“None taken, but-,” William responds hesitantly, trailing off when speaking. He rubs his forehead and glances around the café as if he’s looking for answers; a pensive look on his face. 

Harry notices William’s state of bafflement and quickly diverts all of them by asking the lads about a song they are composing. 

Before one of them has uttered a word, William starts talking again and eyeing Harry suspiciously. “You had a fight during break? You were at my house the whole break!”

Oh fuck. Harry eyes widen with shock and his mouth goes slack.

“NO WAY!” William suddenly shouts, displaying shock and disbelief, jerking his head back. “Don’t tell me you got a crush on one of my sisters! They are fucking minors!”

Harry holds his hands out in front of him in a defensive gesture. “No I didn’t, I swear.”

A vein pops out of his neck, eyes peering into Harry. “Well, then who is it?” William demands harshly, grinding his teeth, jaw clenched. 

Harry's arms fall down to his side and he drops his chin to the chest, wanting nothing more than to sink into the ground and stay there. However, there is no chance of escaping. Not anymore. “I- I… I’ve fallen in love with Louis.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a rather quick update (for me at least). This was a very long chapter with mostly dialogue and I got carried away with the criminal law attorney because I have quite an interest in crime-related stories/series, etc. But I removed a lot of it lol because it wasn't relevant. 
> 
> Anyway, what did you think of the ending? FINALLY William knows about Louis!   
> How do you think he will react? 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! And now we are really coming to the end and more importantly to all the reveals! 
> 
> I used ‘she pipes up’ when Kristen joined in on the conversation. Is this correct English? I’m not quite sure. And on that note, I’m sorry for the mistakes I make. I could use the fact that English isn’t my mother language as an excuse but I think I make even more mistakes in Dutch lol.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!  
> So… after 7 months!!! 7 months (I’m still shocked myself) I finally have a new chapter for you guys!
> 
> I haven’t written anything in almost 7 months because of a lot of health issues. Thankfully I do feel a bit better and I am so happy I can write again! This chapter was difficult to write, and I am sure there are a lot of mistakes, but I hope you will enjoy it <3 
> 
> This chapter might not be what you expected or hoped, but I can tell you one thing: THE SECRET will be revealed!

“WHAT?” William shouts, pushing his chair back which falls on the ground with a loud thud.  
As he stomps away with rigid shoulders, Holland quickly follows him.

Suddenly, there is an overwhelming deadly silence in the lunchroom as everyone is staring at Harry’s table; some more obvious than others. All of Harry’s friends are watching him as well, mouths slightly agape and faces glazed with shock.

There is only a short moment of silence before everyone else in the café is turning back to their own lives and the inquisition starts.

“William’s brother? A guy?”

“Are you gay?”

“Isn’t he his twin?” Kristen asks, darting her gaze at the whole group. 

Harry listens to all the questions, while they continue to stare at him with stunned disbelief. William just stormed out of the room because he finally knows the truth and all they care about is his sexuality.

Without another word, without answering any of their questions, he bolts out of his chair and runs out of the lunchroom trying to catch up to William. As he leaves, he feels their eyes boring into him but honestly he doesn’t care. Right now he’s more concerned with William.

Jogging around campus in search for William, Harry soon notices Holland’s red hair from afar. As he sprints towards them, he realizes that Holland is trying to calm him down. “Will!”

William instantly turns around, glaring at Harry, his deep blue eyes turning into icy, dark sapphires. “What the fuck,” he hisses, moving towards Harry in an intimidating way. 

“I think you should leave.”

Harry completely ignores Holland’s advice and directs his full attention towards William. 

Physically he might be smaller than Harry, but somehow it feels like he’s towering over him.  
His skinny frame appears broad as he’s standing tall, with his legs planted wide apart. 

“I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you when I got back but then -,”

William tilts his head up, while his dark, narrowed eyes hold a venomous look. “How the fuck could you keep this a secret from me! After everything!”

Harry lowers his head, having a difficult time forming a clever response. 

“My own brother for fuck’s sake!”

Somehow those words hit him right in the gut as guilt mixes with annoyance. His own brother? The one he never speaks to? The one who is so hurt, so scared and so full of secrets that he can’t be with Harry? “And why would you care?”

“Excuse me?” William grinds out the words between clenched teeth, eyes bulging with rage.

Harry’s last bit of self-control rapidly disappears as his mouth turns into a hateful sneer. With flaring nostrils and a quickened breath he screams, “He is your brother right? But you certainly don’t act like it!” Harry has no idea where his words are coming from. It’s like he’s purposely trying to hurt William and himself in the process. He’s spiralling down, making an utter mess. However, he can’t stop himself. All he can feel is hate, spite as his nails dig deeply into his own palms. “You don’t care about him!”

“How dare you. You don’t know anything!”

“You barely talk to him!”

“We don’t have to talk a lot, that doesn’t mean I don’t care. You don’t know shit. Fuck you.”

“Oh yeah?” Harry scoffs, widening his own stance, inflating his chest and pulling his chin up. Slowly and deliberately, Harry moves towards William’s personal space, lips pursed with suppressed fury, ignoring the weak cries of Holland as she tries to stop them. “Where were you when you own bloody brother got beaten huh? When he got shoved and kicked?”

William is balding his fists, he is red in the face and the veins in his neck are standing out as he continues to shout, “Shut the fuck up Harry. You don’t know anything. FUCK!” 

“Stop this,” Holland demands again, voice rising hysterically. She carefully touches William’s shoulders and motions him to leave before the fight can completely escalate.

It seems that William is only one very small step away from hitting Harry, fist raised as his chest rapidly goes up and down, before he lowers his hand and looks back at a pleading Holland. Walking past Harry, William gives him a hard shove at his shoulder before he follows Holland. 

The anger and hurt that Harry has felt ever since he left the Tomlinson’s is fuelling him. At the moment all he can feel in every single bone of his body is anger. He’s angry at William for shoving, angry at Louis for giving up but most of all he is angry at himself. Instead of showing his sorrow, guilt and pain, he walks after William and pushes him so hard at his back with his two hands that he stumbles forward.

Swiftly turning around and without notice, William punches Harry right in the face. 

After the initial shock fades, adrenaline is taking control over Harry and he hits back. William doubles over in pain as his punch hits him right in the stomach. 

“You…fucking…asshole!” William spits as he gives another swing.

Harry feels his hair ruffle with the force or William’s blow that was meant for his jaw, merely escaping the hit. Before Harry can even fully register his dodge, another shot, this time to his ribs, sends fresh ripples of pain through his torso. He doesn’t fall, but jerks back. Harry hears the slight rasp of material ripping as William drags him towards him by his shirt. Lashing out, he aims for William’s jaw. 

They continue to fight each other and Harry doesn’t consciously notice how people have come to watch or how Holland has left. His vision is clouded and his surroundings are a blur as the pounding in his ears increases. He continues to shove, kick and hit William wherever he can. Blood splatters on the ground and he has no idea if it’s his own or William’s.  
His body seems to move on his own, until thick hands grab him from behind and pull him back.

\-----

While holding an ice pack on his left eye with one hand, he tries to text Niall back with his other hand. Niall keeps asking Harry if he’s okay and obviously he’s texting back that he’s fine, because what else could he say? It’s not like they would have a cup of tea and discuss how not fine he is after his fight with William. 

Once Harry cooled down enough he realized how he fucked up, immensely. He became aware of this even more when William didn’t come back to their room the same night. Harry has called and texted, but eventually he decided to give up and give him the space he needed. If his own bruised face and body is any indication, William’s isn’t any better...

After finally sending his simple text back at Niall, he decides to call his sister. He needs someone who is on his side. He has failed enough people in his life, at least with his sister he doesn’t have to worry about that.

“Hi little brother!” she greets him enthusiastically. 

The moment Harry wants to reply the door opens and William barges into the room before he slams the door shut. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” he asks with a sharp tone of voice and an air of irritability. His lip is busted, he has a deep gash above his left eyebrow and a bruise on his left cheek. Shit.

“Well?”

Harry stares mindlessly at the damage he has caused, until the voice of his sister through his phone catches his attention. “Uh sis, I’ll call you back later.” Without awaiting her reaction, he hangs up and directs his attention towards William.

“I really wanted to,” Harry starts to explain as he looks up at William and holds up his hands in a defensive gesture. The faint metallic scent of old blood mixed with the smell of his own sweat creeps into his own nostrils. “And I’m sorry for not telling you. I know it’s a lame excuse, but I was scared. Scared of your reaction and how it would influence our friendship.”

William only grunts in response while standing restlessly, tapping one foot on the ground. A deep frown on his forehead and his mouth turns into a snarl. He looks upset, to say the least.

The phone on his bed keeps buzzing and buzzing relentlessly and Harry quickly turns it into silence mode. “Also, I’m so sorry Will about what I said and what I did yesterday. I shouldn’t have. I don’t know about your situation with Louis.” 

And that is the truth. As much as William has shared tons of information about himself in (too much) detail without shame, he’s always been kind of secretive about his own family. His simple explaination was that he loves his family, but just rather wants to spend his free time with his girlfriend and his friends. After seeing William interact with his family, he knew that wasn’t the whole story. For someone who claims he values honesty so much, he’s been holding off on so much information regarding his family, regarding Louis. 

William paces around the small room, takes a coke out of their mini-frigde and finally sits down on his bed. Rubbing the back of his neck, his brow creases in thoughtful concentration. And in a faintly vulnerable tone he says, “It was a shitty thing what you said. I’ve been there for my brother. And just because I don’t have this close relationship with him like you have with your sister-”

“I know, I know,” Harry mumbles as he cuts him off, voice rising “I am really sorry for what happened.”

“I’m sorry too for you know, hitting you. But why? Why did you keep this a secret from me? Did you really think I wouldn’t find out? You couldn’t keep this a secret, he’s my brother!”

Awkward tension fills up the space between them as Harry stays silent and contemplates how to answer. First Harry can’t tell that he is in love with William’s twin brother and now he’s too afraid to admit that they broke up. It’s too painful to confirm because it makes it all real once more. 

“Uh, remember that I would tell you about the person that made me smile so much?” Harry can’t control the tremble in his voice as he remembers his own goofy smile and the feeling of being so utterly in love. A painful tightness in his throat makes it hard to swallow. He closes his eyes temporarily before he continues without meeting William’s gaze. “I would tell you once it was resolved you know? Well… it did. Sort of. We broke up.”

William takes a quick, sharp breath, seemingly ready to shout at Harry again. Soon, however, he deflates, probably catching onto the fact that Harry looks deeply hurt. Running his hand through his hair, William stares aimlessly at the ground before opening his coke and taking a big gulp from the can. “What? First you tell me that you are in love with Louis and now you are telling me that you guys broke up?” 

Biting his lip and holding his hand on his upset stomach, he finally looks up into his eyes. “I know it’s confusing and I’m a really sorry that you had to find out about all of it in this way.”

William pauses, clasping his hands together as he leans forward on the bed. “But why? What happened?” If William looked confused before, it’s nothing compared to the pensive expression upon his face at this very moment. 

“I’d rather not get into it,” he mumbles non-committedly as he shrugs his shoulders without looking William in the eye, trying to appear less affected then he truly is. Harry’s already feeling completely overwhelmed, talking about their breakup feels like he’s getting stabbed in the heart. The heartache that he’s been feeling for weeks crushes his soul, over and over again. 

The calmness in William’s voice doesn’t last long. “Fuck… this is messed up.”

Harry gives him a small nod, what a mess indeed. What a fucking mess all together. He licks his lips, his mouth and throat uncomfortable dry, yet he has not appetite and is reluctant to drink. “Let’s just say everything got extremely messy.” Vague descriptions are probably Harry’s new forte. 

Taking a deep, pained breath, Harry hesitantly leaves his bed to grab a drink. “All because of his bloody secret,” he says loudly, his accent thickening with his frustration. 

The puzzlement in William’s expression shifts first to suspicion and then hardens to anger as he slowly releases the drink from his mouth. “His secret? You broke up with him because of his secret? Because his is different?” he questions, his voice rising into a near shout at the last syllable. 

Harry stares at William with a dazed look in his eyes, shaking his head in wonder. “Different? What on earth are you talking about?” 

“Don’t be like this bro!” he half-yells with wild gestures, spilling some of his coke on himself. Ignoring the spill, he continues to rant on. “I expected more of you! He is a guy! I can’t believe you have a problem with him being transgender. It doesn’t change who he is and – why are you looking at me like that?”

Knees wobble as he walks over to his bed, eyes blinking rapidly. Continuously shaking his head in disbelief, he falls backwards on his bed. “What?”

William slaps his hand over his mouth, gasping loudly. “Oh god… you didn’t know! Oh shit, fuck!”

Sitting rigidly upright in the bed, Harry’s eyes wide as a sudden coldness hits his core. His stomach feels heavy as he, quietly, stares up at the ceiling. What? Louis is transgender? He’s feeling completely disorientated while memories of conversations, images and sensations strike him.

“Harry?”

He looks up, dazed and distracted by his ringing ears and spinning head. Harry noticed that this is the first time in ages, when Harry once again drifted off in his own world, that William has called him by his own name instead of calling him ‘dreamboy’. It shows how fragile their friendship is at this very moment. 

They stare at each other silently, neither one knowing what to say. All of this is too much. William has just revealed Louis’ big secret and both of their faces are still covered in bruises and cuts from the fight. Harry’s head is throbbing as if someone is constantly stabbing him with a knife, it is all too much. 

-

He lowers his gaze, shoulders slumping as he sits down next to Harry on the bed. “I’m sorry that you had to hear about Louis like this. I thought you knew and for a moment I assumed that was why you guys broke up.”

“No of course not!”

“I am so sorry bro. I should have known you would never do that. You are the most open-minded person I know.”

Harry turns his head towards William, giving him a slow smile, glad that things between them are already so much better. After the initial shock, they decided to take some time to chill, get some food and Harry decided to shower. The lingering odour of acid sweat and metallic blood has been finally taking over by the smell of noodles and deodorant. 

However, the revealed secret didn’t leave his mind for one single moment. Louis is transgender, that is his big secret and that is what he’s been hiding. At last, it all adds up. 

From the first time Harry laid eyes upon Louis and noticed his lovely feminine features, to the very odd conversation he overheard or experienced all to the fact that Louis never wanted to show his body or let Harry touch him. The thing is, up until a few hours before, it didn’t even cross his mind for one split second. Harry has never met anyone in his life that is transgender, he doesn’t know much about it aside from the few things he has read in the paper or has seen on television. What does it mean exactly and more importantly why couldn’t Louis tell him this?

“I am just… I don’t know. I just didn’t know, I was so bloody blind!” Harry says belatedly. 

Gently squeezing his arm supportively, a good old appreciative smile spreads along William’s face. “Harry that is not a bad thing, it is a good thing. And talking about being blind… I should have known about you and Louis.”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember New Year’s Eve? When we went skating? Louis hadn’t gone in years, but somehow you convinced him. Yeah, I was surprised, but at the moment I didn’t think much of it you know? Like I did notice small changes but I shrugged it off as nothing and now, now I think, how could I have been so blind?”

“I guess that is normal,” Harry replies in a warm, compassionate voice. “You always see things clearer when the stuff has already happened, when you have that last part of information, the last piece of the puzzle that completes it.”

William slowly nods his head in agreement. “You know the thing I noticed the most? Aside from the fact that you had this awful wide grin on your face the whole freaking time,” he says in an amused tone, as he looks at Harry with a smirk, “I noticed a sparkle in Louis’ eyes, a flicker of hope.”

His smile turns sad, something inside of him breaks. Normally Harry would applaud William for noticing small details, for his observant behaviour. However, this time, he wishes he would stay as oblivious as he was before. Hearing him talk about that little flicker of hope in Louis’ eyes is too painful. Knowing all too well that Harry is the one that gave him that hope and eventually completely destroyed it. He crushed it, like he crushed his own broken heart in tiny little pieces.

“Hey, don’t. You didn’t know about Louis. It’s okay.”

He releases a shuddering breath, gaze darting around the room before landing on William. “Yeah, but it’s not? Louis couldn’t tell me his secret. I didn’t know what was going on, but obviously I noticed something was going on. He couldn’t tell me this.” As Harry rambles on his tone becomes faintly resentful and agitated. “I just don’t understand why he didn’t tell me. If he had told me, none of this would have happened!”

“Harry it’s not that simple.”

“Why not? It’s not that big of a deal!”

“The thing is Harry,” William states in a soft, yet urgent voice, “it is a big deal. When we younger, we were extremely close, almost inseparable. And I always saw him as my twin brother you know? We wore the same clothes, had the same haircut, basically we looked exactly the same. Nobody mind, because we were just little kids you know? However, when we became older, things started to change. All of a sudden Louis was treated as a girl at school. He couldn’t use the boys’ bathroom anymore because the teachers felt that it ‘became weird’. I remember the first time he needed to go in the girls changing room. I could hear him scream and cry. When we came home from school, we fought. He told me that he hated me.” William pauses as tears well up in his eyes. 

He clears his throat, wraps his shaky hands onto his knees and continues, “That was the first time someone broke my heart and I cried. At the time I didn’t understand why he hated me, why our bond suddenly completely changed. I didn’t care he was a girl, I saw him as my brother. Years later, I finally understood, but when you are 9 years old it hurts you know?” He gives Harry a quivery smile while a wounded look shadows his eyes.

Harry gives him a sad, compassionate smile and a pat on his shoulder. “I am so sorry Will.”

“For years, he hated me and didn’t want me to be part of his life. It really sucked you know? Seeing your own brother struggle so much, I wanted to protect him, but he continuously pushed me away. He pushed all of us away and it completely changed us as a family. Things did start to get a little better when he could go through life as a teenage boy, but it was still hard for all of us. It wasn’t hard to accept him as a guy you know? I always felt like he was like me. And if he knows and feel that he is a guy, who am I to say differently? It just hurt that he didn’t trust me and treated me like I wasn’t there.”

He gives a slow, disbelieving shake of the head, absentmindedly rubbing his thumb across the knuckles of his hand. Never has he heard William talk this much about his brother and about the pain that it has caused all of them. “I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for you,” Harry says in a gently, sympathetic voice. 

William nods excessively. “Yeah, it felt like I was ripped in two. We were basically inseparable since birth, essentially the same person. All of a sudden he was still next to me, but I couldn’t reach him. That does sound quite sappy right?” he says in a cheerful voice that does not match his painful grin.

“It is rather sentimental for your taste,” Harry agrees, giving him a gentle, playful nudge with his elbow as he tries to lighten the mood.

William inhales a very deep breath and exhales with a loud huff. “God. What a day, what a fucking day.”

“I know, but I really appreciate that you told me all of this. Something so big can’t be explained in one conversation, but I do understand all of it a lot more right now. This is a big deal and I’m not making light of it. I just wish Louis could have told me this himself.”

“I understand, I do, but I truly believe he likes you very much and that is why he was too scared. Too scared what would happen if you found out. So the real question now is, do you still want to be with him after you found out?”

Although a lot has happened between them and it does change things, his answer is still a loud and clear yes. Yes, Harry wants to be with Louis. The thing is, Harry noticed that Louis was different from the start, but that was kind of the appeal for him. In his eyes Louis is the most beautiful person in the world, built entirely of fine porcelain, so precious yet so brittle and delicate to the touch. His feminine features, like his soft curves and small frame, only enhanced his love and desire for this boy. 

“Yes I still want to be with him,” Harry answers a beat too late, distracted by the images of Louis in his mind. “This doesn’t change how I feel about him, however… I don’t want things to change between us you know?”

“Well, news flash,” William announces as he points at his busted lip, “things have already changed between us. And yeah I was extremely pissed off that you lied to me and I’ll probably be a little annoyed for some time, but most of all I’m glad that I finally know what’s up. I’ve seen, or better said should have seen, how happy you guys make each other.” Then, with a little cheeky grin, he adds, “So I think we can manage, I am not seeing them that often anyways.”

“Exactly. I’ll probably see them more often than you,” Harry agrees with a small, delighted smile. “And if it wasn’t for the fact that you invited me to your house for Christmas, I would probably still have not met your family.”

“So basically it is my fault?”

This time Harry’s smile reaches his eyes and he experiences a sudden feeling of weightlessness as the tension leaves his body. “Essentially yes, but I couldn’t be more thankful that you did. Thanks to you I met Louis. Transgender or not, I love him.”

“And you should tell him that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... the truth is out! How did you feel about the chapter?  
> I know from previous comments on this story that a lot of people suspected that Louis was indeed trans: congrats! And I am also quite sure that some people are disappointed about the reveal/the secret. I started this story wanting to write a trans character, but after your comments and feedback I think the hints were maybe a bit too obvious at times... so I am sorry if you are disappointed, I still hope you will enjoy the ending of this story :)
> 
> The next chapter is also the last chapter!! I've started writing it, but it's definitely not even close to finished. I have almost finished the epilogue though! So I can promise you this time that it won't be long before I will complete the story!


	28. Chapter 28

He takes off like a bat out of hell, firmly grasping the wheel as an adrenaline rush takes over. 

Without a second thought, when William told him to go after Louis and gave him his keys, he hurried out of the room; ready to tell Louis that he loves him.

His phone vibrates as he leaves the campus area and without taking a quick glance he knows it’s his sister. He hung up and he hasn’t called or texted her back (while she probably heard William’s loud and threating voice through the phone) to let her know that he’s alright. He reminds himself, while taking a glance at the clock, that he should text her back when he arrives at the Tomlinson’s house. 

Driving like a mad man, he prods others to hurry with animated gestures. Harry needs to see Louis and as nerve-wracking as that is, he’s mostly excited. He finally knows the truth about Louis. Louis is transgender. Louis is born as a girl, right? Honestly, he hasn’t fully comprehended the news and everything is still rather confusing for him. His knowledge about the subject is basically non-existent. Besides, all the heavy, personal information that William has told him doesn’t help with his racing mind and his disoriented state. 

However, there is one thing that he is absolutely certain about: he loves Louis. His secret (which Louis so desperately tried to hide) doesn’t change how Harry feels about him, he doesn’t think differently of him. He wants to tell and show Louis that he loves him unconditionally. Nothing, except his love for Louis, matters. He wants to be with Louis and he hopes that Louis wants to take that step with him. He hopes that Louis can open himself up and give himself the chance to experience love. 

The sudden loud, penetrating sound of a car horn blasts his ears, giving him an immense shock. Startled, cheeks burning up, Harry quickly tries to re-focus on the road. With his head up high, glancing repeatedly at the clock, he continues his long drive to Redding.

-

After hours of driving, and a quick stop at the gas station, he finally enters the town of Redding. He groans as he notices the red light in front of him. Slowing down before coming to a complete stop, he stares at the light intensely, tapping his fingers impatiently. 

As soon as the light turns green, he turns right. The street he drives in feels very familiar. It only takes him a brief moment to remember why. With an increased heartbeat and a rising body temperature, he turns his head to the left and catches a glimpse of the local ice skating rink. 

Fidgeting, nervously and excitedly, on his seat he drives further into town until he arrives at their house. 

Swiftly parking the car, he steps out of the car and runs towards the house. When he’s almost at the door, his breath suddenly hitches and he stalls. He thinks back at the last time he was here; how he left and truly felt like he was leaving for good. It was so utterly painful to walk away from this family, from Louis. 

Rubbing his hands together, he takes the last few steps to the door. He decided to return and this time he’s planning to stay. 

For a fraction of a second Harry considers not being his polite self; wanting to use William’s keys, barge inside and run into Louis’ arms and tell him that he wants to be with him. However, he can’t. It’s just not who he is or even who he wants to be. Ringing the doorbell, he waits somewhat impatiently for someone to open the door.

The door opens and the minute their eyes connect, Dan stares at him with a stunned look upon his face, his mouth slightly open. “Harry?”

“I’m so sorry for coming here unannounced, but I need to see Louis.”

Dan nods his head slowly, blinking rapidly, as he points behind him. “He’s in the backyard.” 

Harry gives him a small, grateful smile. “Thank you Dan.” 

He quickly walks past Dan, into the living room (not even noticing how the new born twins stare at him and follow his movement with their eyes) and moves towards the backyard. 

Immediately, as he stares from the glass door to the yard, he spots Louis from afar. Harry can easily distinguish him because of his slouched position, his golden-brown hair and his tiny frame. 

Opening the back door with only a slight hesitation, he walks towards him and Ellen. “Louis?” 

Louis quickly turns around, looking up at Harry. His eyes are wide and alarmed, disbelief and shock plastered all over his pale face.

Ellen is glancing back between the two of them with an incredulous stare, but it quickly fades and turns into a soft look with a slight smile. “I’ll let you guys talk.” Standing up, she gives Louis a hasty kiss to the side of his head. 

“Hi Harry,” she greets him before leaving the garden with one last glimpse at Louis.

“Thanks Ellen,” he replies with an appreciative nod before giving his undivided attention towards Louis.

Seemingly startled, Louis’ eyes dart nervously around the yard as Harry bends down and sits beside him. As their eyes meet momentarily, Harry notices how small, fragile and fearful he looks. He appears drained, his eyes dull and lifeless. That light, that little spark in Louis’ eyes that Jay and William spoke off, is completely gone. He’s still breathtakingly gorgeous, but he doesn’t have his radiant glow.

“Louis you absolute tosser,” Harry blurts out with a loud, agitated tone in his voice. Okay… this not how he had planned it and it’s definitely not the most subtle way to express his feelings, but somehow the words just left his mouth. Quite frankly, he does feel rather bothered. All he can think is; why did Louis so desperately needed to keep this a secret? Why did they have to leave each other, both of them clearly miserable and broken, when they could have used this time to love each other? 

Hesitantly turning his body towards Harry, Louis opens his mouth and closes it. He doesn’t have time to give a proper reply before Harry is on him; fingers gently grip the back of his neck and slip into his hair.

As Harry breaks the brief, yet intense kiss, Louis’ eyes stay close for a split second until he opens them; all kinds of emotions cross his restless gaze.

Harry cups his face between his palms, all the while keeping strong eye contact. “I know Louis,” Harry states in a steady, lower-pitched voice. “I know you are transgender, right?”

Louis inhales a sharp breath; a truly horrified look washes over his face. He holds his face in his hands, staring blankly at his own feet before jerking his body upright. He does a double take, as if he’s wondering if he heard correctly and his arms fall heavily to his side.

After a long, unbearable silence, he finally meets Harry’s gaze and answers with one simple, yet powerful, “Yes.”

-

“I am an ftm, a female to male transsexual. I am transitioning from female to male.”

Harry looks at Louis, giving a thoughtful expression and a hesitate nod. “Oh okay, that makes sense I guess.” Harry tries to act confident, but he’s feeling completely out of his element. Rubbing his hands on his tight, somewhat itchy dark jeans, he feels stupid and ignorant for his complete lack of knowledge or understanding. He should have asked William more questions or should have looked up information on the internet before driving to Louis like a possessed, mad man. “I really want to understand Louis, but I really don’t care. As I said before, it really doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

Louis’ lips press together in a slight grimace. “I have heard hundreds of stories from people like me in a relationship. When their partner found out, it changed everything. For some it took a while to understand, let alone accept and for others it was too much to deal with. So as much as I appreciate what you say, how can you say that it wouldn’t change how you feel about me? Change what we have?”

Letting out a deep, weighted sigh, he shrugs his shoulders, looks down and shakes his head. “I don’t know Louis. I don’t have all the answers. And yes, I have a lot of questions. I was shocked, freaked out even when-,”

Harry violently shakes his head as Louis’ eyes take on a wounded look. “I didn’t mean it like that; it was just a huge shock. It came out of nowhere you know?” Then he continues in a serious tone, “Louis, I was mainly relieved. I was relieved that this was your secret, because my mind went to some dark places. I am not saying that this won’t be hard, we still have lots to talk about and I obviously need to learn about this.” Harry narrows his focus, looking directly at Louis as he speaks,” I want you to know that I love you. Louis, I’ve fallen madly in love with you. I want to be with you no matter what, no matter how you were born or what gender you are.”

A speechless Louis looks up at Harry while the fear in his eyes slowly starts to fade. 

“Louis, please be with me, give us a chance.”

His hesitant smile turns radiant and his eyes turn bright brilliant blue. “Yes, I want to Harry. I want to be with you.”

Harry releases a heavy sigh of relief; a huge weight falls off Harry’s shoulders. Leaning forward, his heart pounding loudly in his chest, he brushes his lips against Louis’.

Louis releases stuttering breaths against Harry’s lips and closes his eyes before gently pressing their lips together. 

After a long, lingering kiss, Harry wraps his arms around Louis’ waist and embraces him tightly. Louis doesn’t flinch and instead lets his head fall down on Harry’s chest.

“Are you staying tonight?”

Harry pulls away slightly, pushing some strands of hair out of his face while he lets out a rather embarrassed chuckle. “Well… basically, I only took my phone and wallet. You could say I was in a bit of a hurry.”

A flush creeps across Louis’ cheeks at his confession. “You can wear William’s clothes, I’m sure he won’t mind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Why?” 

“Well,” Harry starts in a slow, soft voice as he shifts slightly on the bed and places his hands on Louis’ knees. “I’ve already stolen his brother, not sure if he wants me to steal his clothes as well. “

Louis playfully pinches his arm before he lowers his hands and links their hands together. “You didn’t steal me. I am not yours.”

“You are not?”

“I am not a property you know?” Louis demands in a half-comic, half serious tone. 

Harry shakes his head vividly; a serious expression on his face, eyes burning with warmth and his mouth moves upward. “You are absolutely right. Still, you are all mine, just as much as I am all yours.”

“What?”

“Never mind,” Harry replies with a bemused smile plastered on his face. “I am just so happy and I get sappy when I’m happy I guess?”

“You are one odd boy,” Louis points out with a chuckle, releasing their entwined hands as he leans in for a short moment and gives him a chaste kiss. 

Before Harry can return the kiss, Louis is already shuffling out of the bed. “Besides,” he adds, as he looks around the room, searching, “If William has a problem with you wearing his clothes, I see it as a revenge for him flapping his mouth.” 

“Louis, as I said before, he really does feel terrible about it. And I know you are more upset than you are showing right now, but honestly, I couldn’t be more thankful that he did.”

Moving over to the bed once more, eyes still focused on anything but Harry’s face, Louis’ hands move towards Harry’s legs. 

Louis is only a few inches away from Harry’s very intimate parts, and somehow, just Louis’ hands near his area, makes Harry feel quite breathless. His eyes follow Louis’ hands as he, which seems almost deliberately slow, moves towards Harry’s left thigh and touches it for a moment before gently pulling out his phone from underneath Harry’s thigh. 

“To be honest,” Louis says in a timid voice as he leans over and meets Harry’s eyes, “So am I.” Swiftly, without another word, he walks away and leaves William’s room.

Harry traces his fingers over his smiling lips and stares off dreamily into the distance. 

“I can stay tonight,” Louis tells him as soon as he enters the room again. “Liam agreed to take over my shift at the cinema.”

Sitting up at the bed, it takes Harry a while to catch on. “Did you just cancel work for me?”

With a casual shrug, he sits down next to Harry on the bed. “It’s no big deal.”

Harry wants to scream ‘YES IT IS!’ when he thinks back to last Christmas. He vividly remembers how Louis turned almost ballistic when his mother didn’t want him to leave. His work and the money he earned was everything to him. Harry can’t contain his Cheshire smile anymore while pleasant warmth spreads through his entire body. Instead of answering him, he turns his body and grabs Louis by the neck; connecting their mouths once more.

-

An excellent afternoon with Louis ended in a perfect evening with the intense, warm family, which he came to love. 

Louis holds Harry’s hand and guides him to his own room. Moving inside, Harry’s eyes scan the plain, almost impersonal bedroom before he catches a glimpse of the needle container. 

Quickly, he averts his gaze while a wave of sadness comes over him. 

It quickly washes away when Louis squeezes his warm, sweaty hand and comfortably rubs his thumb over his hand. “Harry, I really am sorry. I am sorry that I couldn’t tell you because I never wanted to hurt you. That was the last thing that I wanted.”

Turning his gaze back to Louis, touching the buttons of his silk blouse, he gives him a knowing smile. “I know.”

They walk towards the bed and sit down. Harry leans his body against the metal bed frame; the blanket covering Louis’ bed is just as simple and practical as the rest of his room. Louis sits down between Harry’s spread legs and comfortably nestles against him, his back against Harry’s chest. 

After only a slight hesitation, Harry folds his arms around him. The warmth of Louis’ body against his has never felt so good. It’s not only the rush of being together again or the rush of being in love, most of all it’s the feeling of trust between them. Obviously so much has happened between them and everything is far from being resolved, but there is a new feeling of security. Louis’ secret is finally out in the open, thanks to William, and it gives Louis the confidence to show his true self.

“I just couldn’t believe that you wanted to be with me. I knew the day would come eventually that you would leave me when you would find out. I knew the day would come that you would completely shatter me and break my heart. Because who wants to be with me? Who wants to be with someone like me?” Despite its faintness, there is a distinct edge to his voice.

Harry knew he put up a barrier, a wall to protect himself because he has been hurt so many times. But he never knew to what extent. There is a feeling of incredible heaviness in his stomach. “You really felt like this?”

He turns his head to look up at Harry, eyes haunted by some inner anxiety. “I do. I always feel like I don’t belong, like I’m not normal. People always remind me how I’m not normal.”

Harry clears his throat, tugging at his ear, not knowing what to say. “When- you know, when did all of this start?”

“From a very young age I felt like I was like my brother, a guy. Other people thought William and I were brothers and maybe some people thought that I was a ‘tomboy’ but it was all fine. It was fine until hormones kicked in and I started to develop as a female and got treated like a girl. God,” he groans, shoving a hand through his hair in clear frustration. “I felt like I got punished with female features! Why me? Why not my brother?” 

Harry nods sympathetically, listening intently at Louis and ignoring the sound of music blasting from the neighbor’s house. Louis’ strained voice reflects the frustration and pain he noticed in William’s tone of voice as well. Both of them experienced so much pain because of this. 

“I wanted to be like other boys, like my brother, so why didn’t my body look the same? I started to hate how my body looked, I felt disgusted. I refused to wear a bra; I refused to accept that part of myself. One day, when I was 14, I-,” he stops his rant abruptly. His shoulders are stiff and square, his spine straight, but even his rigid posture cannot disguise the faint tremble of his body. 

Harry shifts his body a little to rest his hand on his, squeezing his clammy hands supportively.  
Tearing his gaze away, Louis drops his chin to his chest and says in a low, soft voice, “I tried to cut off my breasts.”

“You tried to cut off your breasts?” Harry can’t contain the horror in his voice. He can’t wrap his head around the fact that someone could hate their body so much that they would physically hurt themselves like that. “I-, that is… I am so sorry.” 

“My mother caught me,” Louis continues in a shaky voice, still not meeting Harry’s gaze. “Obviously she noticed before how things had changed, how I had changed, but it wasn’t until that moment that she decided to take me to the doctor. And that is basically how it started.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I started to have diagnostic consultations with a medical specialist and appointments, treatment with a psychiatrist. This takes months, years even. Eventually I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria and that is when I could start my hormone-replacement therapy.”

Harry raises his eyebrows, offering a questioning gaze. “Gender- what? What does that mean exactly?” he asks for clarification in an unsure matter. 

“Gender dysphoria is a gender identity disorder. Basically it is a conflict between a person’s physical gender and the gender the person identifies with. You feel uncomfortable with the gender you were ‘assigned’. Like, I think it’s hard for every teenager to feel comfortable in your own skin, but when you feel like your body doesn’t show who you feel you are, you literally feel trapped. I felt trapped in a body that doesn’t belong to me, a body that disgusts me. It is the worst, it’s the worst.” His voice is high and quick, almost as if he’s running out of breath. 

Harry can feel Louis’ heartbeat hammering in his chest and he notices a lump in his own throat. “I’m so sorry, it’s okay,” he whispers in a kind, soothing voice while pulling Louis’ body closer to him.

“Those are my testosterone injections,” Louis explains as he notices how Harry’s eyes had landed once more on the container. “I was 17 years old when I started my hormone treatment and it was the best day I had in years. I was so happy to finally become the true me, but people mocked and bullied me. I was finally starting to feel somewhat good about myself, but the world made me believe that it was wrong.”

“You finally felt like you could be you, but you got punished because of it?”

“Yeah exactly,” the words flow out of his mouth with a deep, warm sigh of relief, before he continues in a more serious tone, “Harry, I am so sorry that I didn’t trust you. I was so caught in my own fear.”

“I understand Louis, I really do.”

Louis gives a small nod and finally shifts his body towards Harry. He looks up at him through tear filled eyes, giving him a sad smile. “I completely resented my brother for years because… because I was jealous, bitter and depressed. It’s-,” he doesn’t finish his sentence and his body starts to shake almost violently. The heaviness of the conversation fills the already stuffy room. 

“Hey don’t.” Harry moves one arm to lightly rub Louis’ arm. “It’s painful for the both of you, but William understands Louis. He really does. I think you should talk to him soon, I feel like you have a lot to talk about together.”

Blinking his eyes, a few tears fall down his face. “I think so too.”

Harry ignores his own exhaustion and battles against his restless body because he needs to pee; his sole concentration is on Louis. He tries to calm Louis by whispering sweet nothings in his ear and continuing to rub his arm gently.

They lay there for a while in complete silence as they take in everything that has happened. Harry tries to keep his eyes open, but little by little his eyelids become heavier. He feels fulfilled, but completely drained. He has received an enormous wave of personal information by both William and Louis in one single day. His mind can only process so much at once.  
All of a sudden Louis stirs and from the corner of his eye Harry notices how Louis is trying to cover up a yawn. 

“Why don’t we continue our conversation tomorrow?”

Louis hums softly and slowly moves until he’s sitting on the edge of his bed. “Yeah, I think that is a good plan.”

Harry lifts his head up, his face displaying cautious hope. “Thank you Louis for telling me all of this I really appreciate it.”

“You deserved to know the truth. You really are amazing.”

“Well,” he murmurs with a sheepish grin, “All I did was say ‘what?’ with a confused look on my face.”

“I didn’t expect you to know all of this. But I can see that you are trying to understand and that really means the world to me.”

Harry smiles warmly at Louis, his green eyes twinkle while he absentmindedly plays with one of his rings. Before they get ready to go to sleep, Harry still has one particular question he wants to ask. “What was your given name? That is if you don’t mind me asking.”

“It was Alicia.”

“I like Louis better.”

Louis’ eyes light up, his posture uncharacteristically relaxed. “Me too,” he agrees in his pleasant silvery voice. 

Harry knows this is just one of the many conversations that they would have about Louis being transgender. Clearly, he doesn’t understand everything, still needs to learn a lot, but both of them know the most important thing; they love each other for who they are. And after today he truly believes that they can make this work. Also, if the look upon Louis’ face is any indication, he feels the exact same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gives more insight in Louis and his story. As I previously said, I wanted to write a transgender character. First of all I like to address important subjects that are not well enough represented. However, this story doesn’t represent the subject in a well enough matter. If I wanted to explain more, I could have written from Louis’ point of view, but I wanted a mystery.  
> Anyway… my point is: this is only a small part/detail about the whole subject. It’s so much more diverse, so much more information is essential; this is just a small piece in the life of someone who is transgender. And Louis’ story has some similarities with others, but it’s not how everyone feels about and experiences gender dysphoria. I just wanted to point this out because I don’t want to make light of this subject. I’ve actually done a paper for school called (roughly translated): transgender youth; loss and mourning among a relatively unknown group. I write about the very concerning high suicide rate and the underlying social issues.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The new final chapter! I decided to split up chapter 28 (aka which was the final chapter) into 2 chapters. Hope you enjoy it :)

Charlotte walks into the dining room, sits down for breakfast and while she looks up at Harry, she says, “Your phone keeps buzzing.”

It only takes Harry a mere second to remember that he still hasn’t answered his sister. “Oh, right,” he mumbles with a mouthful of food. He swallows the last pieces of his waffle, takes a quick sip of the tea and then he says to Jay and Dan, “I’ll just check my phone real quick, if that’s alright.” Smiling politely to nobody in particular, he stands up from his chair and leaves the room. 

The minute he sets foot in William’s room, he hurries over to the nightstand and jerks his phone out of his charger. Sitting down on the bed, he opens his phone with his password and check all the texts and several missed calls he has received. Scrolling through the massive amount of messages, he ignores the unimportant texts from a few of his friends and a text from one of his class mates who is probably wondering where he is; before he finally sees all the 34 texts that his sister and mum have left him on their group chat called ‘Cats & Wine’. 

As he reads the texts he feels the bobble of his Adam’s apple while he swallows. The texts are all fairly similar and to sum them up, it is basically a repetition of the questions, _what happened? Are you alright?_ Until he eventually received a text from his sister saying, _William told me everything is alright. How nice of HIM to pick up the phone…!!!_

For a brief moment he sits silently on the bed, biting his lower lip, before he, at last, replies with a kind, yet apologetic text, _I am so sorry!! Everything is alright indeed :) I love you and I’ll talk to you both really soon. Promise! Hope everything is okay. All the love, H. X_

After he has answered his mum and sister, he takes a deep breath and lets it out through his nose while a slow smile builds up his face. Taking a quick look at the other messages he has received, he notices how he has also missed quite a few texts from his closest friends at university. A bubble of happy laughter escapes Harry’s mouth as he reads their newest group name, courtesy of Niall Horan, ‘When Harry met Louis…’. 

After scanning through the next numerous worried texts, this time from his close friends, he reads William’s brief explanation of the situation, _Hi guys, all is okay. We talked and Harry is now, as we speak, ‘driving’ to Louis to proclaim is his love or some romantic shit like that. Hope my car is still in one piece after. Dreamboy, don’t forget to drive on the right side ;)_

Harry shakes his head and chuckles at William’s simple, yet clear clarification. The guys don’t need to know more, they don’t need to know how intense their talks actually were. All that matters now is that everything is alright.

Luke was the first to reply to William’s message, _Good for you guys, glad to hear._ Josh replied only a few seconds later with a quick text, _Greatttt_ while Niall texted in his usual funny, sweet, yet overly long style, _Finally! Happy to know you guys made up, although I could have done without the bruises you guys gave me as I tried to stop the fight ;) So no more fighting please! And Harry, how fucking romantic! You basically ran off and chased him, like in all those movies you like so much ;) And they say that I can be such a girl sometimes…_

In which all of them, of course, replied to Niall’s comment about him being a girl with loud agreement and exaggeration. That is basically how the ‘serious’ texts ended and the group chat has become one again flooded with funny memes and jokes.

Two next texts pop up at Harry’s phone display. He instantly opens it and first reads the text of his sister, _He’s alive! I am glad you are okay little brother. But next time don’t wait so long to tell me alright?? Love u._ before he reads the new text of his mum, _Darling, I just want you to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted for the both of you._

Harry’s eyes sparkle while he lightly taps his left fingers on his leg. Heat radiates through his chest. He is happy, he is truly happy. This is the first day in a few long weeks that he has felt so unbelievably cheerful. He already woke up in a good mood, knowing he is back at the house of a wonderful family and together again with the guy he loves so dearly. And after texting with his own family, there is a relaxation to Harry’s muscles. . Harry’s heartbeat isn’t rapidly pounding in his chest anymore and his head isn’t as chaotic and confused as it was not even one day ago. All the great, overwhelming things that have happened in such a short period of time, lifts a heavy burden from his heart.

Loud laughter downstairs takes Harry out of his dreamy state and fully aware of his surroundings. Their laughs are as contagious as their warmth and love has filled up his heart.  
Shifting his position, Harry texts his family and his friends back with a short message before he leaves a separate message to William to thank him for everything.

\- 

When they all finish eating breakfast, or better said, waited for Harry to finish his breakfast, almost everyone rushes off. Harry stands up as well, but instead of leaving the room he stacks up the plates and gathers a few breakfast items on his other hand. He knows that if he would simple ask Jay to help her with the dishes that she would decline.

“No Harry, you really don’t have to do this. It’s your last day here and I want you to have a great day with Louis.”

“Me and Harry can do it together,” Louis proposes as he helps to gather dirty dishes.

Jay’s eyebrows inch up a fraction before she gives Louis a grateful smile. “That would be very nice, thank you dear.”

Harry stacks up as much as he can, brings it to the kitchen sink and as he returns he gives Louis a lingering kiss on the side of his head.

“I think you should thank Harry, apparently he is a good influence on me.”

Jay turns her full attention towards Harry and gives him a tiny nod of appreciation and a proper smile. “Yes he is.”

Harry returns the smile with a small blush before he continues to clean up. As Jay leaves the room as well, Louis and Harry continue to do the dishes together, while occasionally giving each other a small kiss or a not-so-brief touch. It’s such a simple moment, but it’s…

“…reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it,” Louis sings softly as he bounces on his toes while doing the dishes. 

Harry’s lips part and a look of awe falls over his face; mesmerized by Louis’ soft voice and smooth movements, but most of all by his joyful demeanour that displays his content and trust. Resting his elbows on the countertop, Harry watches Louis as he moves confidently around the kitchen. 

Louis continues to sing and hum lightly, not noticing Harry’s intense stare, until his phone suddenly start to ring. Picking up his phone, he listens to the other person on the line before he says, “Alright, I’ll be there soon.” The beaming expression on Louis’ face turns into a frown as he hangs up the phone and looks at Harry. 

He lets out a heavy sigh before he begins to babble an explanation, “Zayn just called and they asked me to help at the cinema for a bit. Apparently Tom couldn’t make it, he had to go to the hospital, so they asked me to cover. And I am really sorry for doing this now, this is your last day here, but because yesterday I called so last minute for them to replace me, I just feel like- I,”

Harry notices the worry in his eyes, but also catches the slight annoyance in the tone of his voice. “Hey, it’s okay,” Harry replies in a calm, soothing voice and quietly places his hand on Louis shoulder. “It’s nice of you to be there when they need you. I am sure Tom would really appreciate it”

“Yeah,” Louis acknowledges with a hesitant nod. 

“Why don’t I come along?”

“You would do that?” Louis asks with a little surprise in his voice. “But it’s really boring.”

“This wasn’t really the first date that I had hoped for, but we can make it work.” 

Louis looks up at Harry and raises his eyebrows. “First date? Didn’t we already have a first date?”

Harry tilts his head and leans in even closer. “A second-first date.”

“Alright, I like the sound of that. And honestly, who doesn’t want their second-first date to be in a cinema while one of them is working, right?” 

“Right,” Harry smirks, licking his lips, feeling his heartbeat increase. “But maybe tonight we could make it a little bit more special and go out to dinner.”

“I would love to,” Louis agrees with a soft smile, tracing his fingers over Harry’s soft lips.

“You would?” 

Louis takes a small step back. “Why do you sound so surprised?” he asks in an uncertain tone.

“Well… honestly, and please don’t be upset, I notice that you don’t eat a lot. And I am not judging you or anything, I just-,” he stops midsentence, absentmindedly tugging his ear and pressing his lips together in a slight grimace. “I don’t know where I am going with this. It’s stupid, sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Harry watches how Louis turns around without saying anything in response and suddenly resumes with the dishes. 

After rinsing off a dirty cup under the sink and then placing it in the dishwasher, Louis grabs some utensils and while seemingly focused on the dishes and ignoring Harry, he suddenly says, “You are right. I don’t eat a lot.” Louis continues to explain while carrying on with the dishes and without looking at Harry. “I-, well it’s nothing huge or anything, but I still have to watch my weight. Even though I am on testosterone and gain muscle slightly easier, I still gain fat very quickly. So…”

“So, that makes sense. I promise you we won’t go to McDonalds then.”

Louis finally looks at Harry again and an appreciative laugh escapes his mouth. “Thank you.”

Harry’s face lights up and he contentedly starts to help Louis to finish the last dishes. Louis’ secret is now completely out in the open and Harry doesn’t have to bed Louis to tell him things. He can asks Louis questions that he didn’t dare to before. Despite the fact that it was William who spat it out, Louis used the opportunity to open up and be brave enough to say ‘Yes, I am transgender’.

“Can I ask you another question?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve noticed money is rather important for you. Do you need money for the testosterone injections?”

Grabbing a cleaning cloth from one of the cabinets, he puts it under the sink and nods. “Our insurance doesn’t cover all the treatment.” He turns off the sink and holds the soaking cleaning cloth tightly in his hand, completely facing Harry. He holds his gaze for a moment before looking down and biting his cheek. “And, well… I also need money to, I want,” he stammers, blue eyes darting nervously around the room. “Shit.”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s hard to talk about.”

Harry takes the cloth from Louis’ firm grasp. “I understand, but you’ve never been this open. I am so proud of you for telling me all of this. For making me understand.”

Louis keeps his eyes fixed on the ground for an overlong moment, fumbling with his own hands before he belatedly says, “I want to have surgery to remove my breasts.”

“Oh, you still-, oh,” he pauses with his mouth still slightly open in surprise and blinking his eyes repeatedly. Harry doesn’t really know how to respond. Even though the horror story that Louis told him yesterday about him wanting to cut off his own breasts completely startled him, somehow it didn’t cross Harry’s mind that Louis would still have his breasts. Everything that happened and is happening with Louis is something that is entirely new for him. He has never met anyone, as far as he knows, that is going through such a profound transition. Yet, it all makes sense with the way he always covered himself up, how he never wanted to be touched and how he didn’t like the way he looked while in Harry’s eyes he was stunning.

“Does it make you uncomfortable?”

Harry immediately looks over at Louis’ frightened face, shakes his head vividly and pushes the hair out of his face. “No it doesn’t, it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. Besides, I quite like breasts.”

“Right,” Louis replies in an emotion-chocked voice, crossing his arms defensively across his chest. 

Harry tugs at the cloth in his hands and exhales a sharp, irritated huff of air, wondering why he always has to fuck things up by saying stupid things. “I am sorry, that came out all wrong.”

Shaking his head and aimlessly throwing the cloth away, he steps forward to minimizes the distance between them. Giving Louis a long, penetrating look, he moves his arm and carefully places a hand on Louis’ face. Ignoring the indistinct “It was a very poor attempt of telling you that I like you no matter how your body looks. With or without breasts, you are beautiful to me.”

Louis places his own hand around Harry’s lowered hand and gives it a small, appreciative squeeze. Standing up his tiptoes, he gives Harry a long, passionate kiss. 

Harry returns the kiss with the same eagerness, while being astonished by Louis’ new attitude.

-

“Thank you for covering for Louis last night.”

Liam shrugs casually, placing a few candy bars on the bar. “No problem really. He has never asked someone to fill in for him. Even when he was really sick and got a very high fever, he still insisted on working. If our boss didn’t send him home, he would’ve definitely stayed. So, I knew it was important without him telling me all the details.”

Zayn walks towards them with a whole new box of candy bars, silently listening in on their conversation. 

“Yeah it was.”

“So I guess you guys are okay again?” Liam questions, giving Harry a curious look mixed with joy and wonder. 

“Yeah we are more than okay,” Harry admits with a bright smile. 

“I am really happy to hear that. He was really miserable without yo-ouch!” Liam turns to his right and glares at Zayn for pinching him.

“Oi you idiot, you weren’t supposed to tell him that!”

“Does it really matter now? I mean, look at him!” Liam half-screams, half-whispers as he points at Louis.

Harry follows his direction and notices how Louis is vacuuming the carpet with a small smile on his face.

“This is the first time that I’ve seen him clean, anything, without complaining. This is huge!”

“For what it’s worth,” Harry admits as he turns around and faces Zayn and Liam, “I was miserable without him too.”

While the guys continue to make the cinema ready for opening, Harry stares into the distance and quietly hums the melody of the song that’s been stuck in his head ever since Louis sang it this morning. 

The rather overwhelming sound of the vacuuming-cleaner suddenly stops, but continues to ring in Harry’s ears for a short moment. After putting away the vacuuming-cleaner, Louis walks over to the bar and sits down on the bar chair next to Harry. “What were you guys talking about?”

“We were talking about you cleaning, without complaining.”

Louis laughs, takes his phone out of his pocked and grins at Zayn. “Don’t get used to it. It won’t be a habit.”

“I wasn’t worried about that,” Zayn replies with a playful wink.

“Besides, Harry is here, he can help! Liam why don’t you give him some choirs to do.”

Harry sits up from his slouched position. “Alright, but where is my uniform?”

Louis looks up from his phone. “What do you mean?”

“If you are giving me all kinds of choirs to do, I at least expect to have a uniform in return.”

“You are asking for this uniform?” Liam asks, emphasizing on the ‘this’ as he points at his own uniform, “Instead of asking for money? You are weird.”

“He is odd, that is true,” Louis agrees with a wide smile, playfully moving around on his bar chair before he continues on his phone. 

When Harry finally receives his uniform, and proudly shows it to the rest, they break into wheezy chuckles. Harry laughs along with them, enjoying the relaxed atmosphere and the easiness he starts to feel with Louis’ friends.

After the laughs eventually die down, Harry starts to help Liam. Harry listens attentively to Liam’s instructions on how to place popcorn in the popcorn machines. 

“I think I can manage,” Harry says in a somewhat amused voice as he takes over the huge bag of popcorn from Liam.

Liam nods. “Thanks.” And moves away to help Zayn with the drinks.

While Harry is placing the salt popcorn in the popcorn machine, he occasionally gazes at Louis from the corner of his eye. “Something funny?”

“Oh just something Ellen said.”

The corners of Harry’s mouth subconsciously turn downward as he hums indifferently and returns to his task. 

“What’s wrong?”

Harry eyes Louis for a moment, his dark brows drawing together. “What do you mean?”

A defensive edge creeps into Louis’ voice as he asks, “Do you not like Ellen?”

Harry blinks in surprise, not realizing that he showed any form of resentfulness. Placing the half empty bag on the bar, Harry turns his full attention towards Louis, meeting his incredulous stare. “Oh no, I really like her. I think it’s amazing how you guys are together, I guess, uhm, I am just a little jealous.”

“Why?”

“I noticed that you and Ellen are very close, you have a special relationship with her.”

Leaning forward, Louis places his elbows on the bar and shrugs half-heartedly. “I’ve known Ellen my whole life.”

Harry ever so slightly shakes his head, running a finger along the seam line of his tight jeans and responds, “Yeah, but you’ve known Liam almost your whole life as well. But your relationship with Ellen is different.”

“I guess it is because she understands me better, because she is genderfluid.”

“Gender what?”

Louis sits up straight and gives Harry a heartfelt smile. “It means that someone doesn’t define as one specific gender. Some days Ellen feels more like a girl and some days as a guy.”

“But isn’t that basically stereotyping yourself?” Harry questions. Ignoring the low, indistinct murmur of Zayn and Liam in the background, he adds, “When are you are girl? When I wear booth with heels for a day, it doesn’t make me a girl and I don’t feel like one.”

“Exactly,” Louis points out with a small smile, yet with a thoughtful expression, “You don’t identify as a girl. She does most of the time, but sometimes she identifies as a boy. And, for her at least, she wants her appearance to match with what she feels on the inside. Despite the name-calling and judgement, she stays true to herself.”

“Hmm, that makes sense- I mean that it is something coming from the inside. I just wish we wouldn’t have to label ourselves or get judged for something others don’t see as normal.”

Closing his eyes, Louis releases a long, low sigh. He opens his eyes and looks at Harry with a slightly gloomy expression on his features. “Yeah, but sadly the world doesn’t work like that.” He clears his throat briefly and adds, “I guess that is why I feel more connected to her. Even though her situation is different, she understands how it feels if you don’t just identify with your assigned gender.”

Harry nods glumly and gives him a sympathetic look. His connection with Ellen now makes a lot of sense and Harry’s feeling of jealous is now turned into a sensation of gratitude. “I am glad to hear that you have someone like her so close by.”

“I am very thankful for her,” Louis agrees in a more light-hearted tone. “I am thankful for a lot of things right now.”

Feeling a sudden rush of heat to his face, Harry’s heartbeat flutters with excitement at Louis’ words. Large green eyes gaze candidly into Louis’ blue ones. For a near-minute, they simply peer into each other’s eyes.

Harry’s bright smile fades in an instant when he remember he has to drive home tonight. “Maybe I could come back next weekend?” 

“Or… I could come to you,” Louis proposes, a hint of uncertainty in his voice. “I want to speak to William if he’s okay with it.”

Harry has to suppress an involuntary gasp of surprise and delight, but nods his head gravely. The hurt in William’s eyes and the few stories that he has told to Harry, were enough to notice that it would really mean so much to William if he could talk to Louis. Harry feels like both of them have a lot to say to each other and maybe they could amend their relationship; heal the special bond that they shared as kids. “I really think he would want that.”

Harry leans over the bar, the small space separating them, lowers his head and presses his forehead against Louis’. Wetting his lips, he slowly surges forward to kiss Louis.

Louis lifts one hand to Harry’s neck and deepens the kiss.

His instant response surprises Harry as does the groan that escapes his lips. Harry’s hands gently press against Louis’ cheeks while he teases him with tiny licks of his tongue. 

When they release their passionate, yet intimate kiss, Zayn is suddenly standing close by with a smirk on his face while impatiently tapping on his wrist. “Now that you guys are finally finished with licking each other’s faces off, come help us to finish this place for opening! Which is, in less than half an hour!”

-

They are sitting closely beside each other in the backyard, while enjoying the spring-flowering trees and the warmth of the late afternoon sun. 

Louis rests his head down upon Harry’s shoulder while watching his sisters play in the garden.

The warm rays of sunshine linger on Harry’s skin and gusts of wind bring with it the sweet scent of roses, all while his heart is filled with love. 

“-and she can be rather annoying.”

“Your sister sounds quite lovely,” Louis responds, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

A quick laugh escapes Harry’s mouth and he playfully elbows Louis in the side. “She is! My sister and my mum, they are both amazing. I would really love for you to meet them.”

“Well, if they are even remotely as charming as you are, I won’t stand a chance.”

Harry flashes him a quick charming smile before gazing off into the distant with a dreamy expression on his face. “Maybe we can go to my family next Christmas? Christmas is always such a great time of the year. We can spend your birthday in London! It will be amazing and -,” Harry gushes with glistering eyes about this wonderful idea that suddenly popped in his head until he notices how Louis’ head isn’t resting on his shoulder anymore. 

Louis has lowered his head while staring down at his own feet and fumbling nervously with the sleeve of his jacket.

“Louis, what’s wrong?” he asks in a whisper, raising his hand to Louis’ head.

“I’m sorry. This is not about your family, because I would love to meet them. It’s just… I hate Christmas.”

“Why?”

“Christmas reminds me of old memories,” Louis murmurs in a thin brittle voice, letting his gaze wonder down to his sisters. “It’s not like I only have terrible memories of my youth, actually I have lots of amazing memories from when I was younger. But, for as long as I can remember, every Christmas day and every birthday I wished for the same thing: I wished I was like my brother. I wished I was a boy.”

Harry turns his body and points his finger towards Louis’ heart. “You are. In my eyes you are a boy and not only in there, but in here as well,” he says as now points his finger at Louis’ head. He finishes with a tender kiss to the side of his head.

“I really believe this as well, but a lot of people don’t. Apart from the fact that they don’t understand, a lot of them don’t approve or see it as a sin. They don’t understand that it’s not about wanting to act like a man, but wanting to be how you feel so strongly from the inside. I was so incredibly confused when I saw William grow up the way I expected and wanted to,”  
Louis admits, voice thick with emotion as he lets his stare linger at Harry. 

“Why can’t I be like that? Or better yet, I am like that, why doesn’t my body reflect that? Why can’t I be myself? The truest version of myself: a boy. A boy that loves to play soccer, that cries during romantic movies and who loves another boy.”

Harry wants him to be his truest version. His thumb grazes the corner of Louis’ mouth only for a second before briefly skimming his fingertips along his jaw line while gazing earnestly into Louis’ face. “You are just a boy, a boy who loves another boy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this new (almost, except for the ending) chapter :) Now get ready for the epilogue! :D


	30. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the final chapter, here is the epilogue; truly the end of this story!
> 
> I want to express my gratitude for all those amazing people that stayed! All your comments, enthusiasm and thoughts on this story truly helped me in so many ways! I am forever grateful that a story, that is special to me, has mainly recieved so many positive feedback! So thank you, thank you, thank you and as Harry would say: all the love! <3
> 
> And enjoy :)

Softly squeezing Louis’ clammy hand, Harry gives him a warm, reassuring smile as they walk towards the exit. “I’m absolutely positive.”

“But I’m so tired and I look like I haven’t washed myself in days!”

A chuckle escapes Harry’s mouth. He turns his head to look Louis in the eye for a quick moment, noticing the small bags under his eyes and his hair sticking out in different directions. “Louis you look fine, gorgeous. My mother doesn’t expect you in a suit after a 15 hour flight.”

Louis looks back at Harry, a glint of uncertainty in his eyes as he gives him a small nod, walking forward with hesitant steps.

“Besides, have you looked at me?” Harry adds with a laugh while he points at himself before running his fingers through his greasy hair. 

“I have.”

Harry’s heart jumps at Louis’ simple yet genuine words. There is no humour or mockery in his voice, only sincerity and a hint of adoration. Whenever he talks about Harry, he has a soft tone, a dreamy voice. Even after more than 7 months of dating, Louis is still captivated by Harry. Bringing Louis’ right hand up to his lips, Harry gives him a small kiss. “Thank you.”  
As a response, Louis leans in without even the slightest blush. He’s starting to feel confident, becoming more and more the man that he knows he is. 

“Oi Haz!” A familiar voice calls out.

Harry looks around, but before he can even see his sister through the mass of people, he feels her hands pressing on his shoulders. Startled for a moment, he turns around and looks at his sister. 

Gemma wraps him in a bone crushing hug and Harry returns the embrace with an enormous smile on his face, closing his eyes momentarily. “Hi Gem.”

“I’m so happy to see you little brother.”

In close distance Harry sees his beloved boyfriend and mother greeting each other, while still embraced (suffocated) by his sister. His mother looks up at Harry from afar and they anchor their gaze at each other for a minute. The look upon her face, as she gives him a warm smile and stares at him with loving, proud eyes, is worth a thousand words. Instantly, an overwhelming sense of relief comes from within, followed by a rush of pure joy. “Me too,” he whispers to his sister, eyes filled with happy tears. “Me too.”

-

“Merry Christmas!” they yell as they all try to fit into the screen, waving and shouting at Harry and Louis.

Harry’s face lights up with a huge, beaming smile while he’s sitting very closely next to Louis on the couch at his own family’s house, whilst skyping with his other family. The scents of gingerbread and cinnamon fill the entire house, the living room sparkles in shimmering gold and Harry’s heart is filled with love. “Merry Christmas!” 

“Have you seen our Christmas tree?”

“Clismess tee,” Doris (who has grown so much over the last seven months) repeats with a wondering glance at the screen. 

Leaning back against the couch, Harry places an arm over Louis’ shoulder and basks in the warmth of the glowing hearth. “No, why don’t you show it?”

With the help of her older sister Lottie, Doris takes the iPad and shows the tree. 

“Oh it looks lovely!” Harry and Louis exclaim in sync. They lock eyes briefly while smiling at each other. The radiant glow on Louis’ face reveals a level of joyfulness far beyond anything Harry could have imagined. Harry lets his arm fall down and puts it around Louis' waist, drawing him even closer. 

“Can you guys stop showing the damn Christmas tree? I want to talk to them!”

Harry snickers at the annoyed voice of his best friend while gazing at the wonderful fire crackling in the fireplace. 

“But we want to show them the Christmas lights!”

“Yeah and I want to show them my dance routine!” Daisy shouts with jubilant glee, quickly running past the screen with different dance movements. 

All of them are arguing and shouting at the same time and Harry bursts out in laughter when William’s loud voice overshadows the rest. “But that is my brother and my friend! Give me that damn iPad!”

“Is this the famous family?” Anne asks in a curious voice, leaning over the back of the couch to look at Louis’ phone screen.

Louis immediately looks up, slightly spooked. “Uhm yeah,” he replies in a shaky voice, fidgeting with the hem of his sweater, eyes turning towards Harry. “Normally it’s not this chaotic.”

Harry listens in on their conversation, while the Tomlinson’s are still fighting over ‘screen time’, and interjects with a big smile, “Yes it is. It’s so chaotic and wild, but in the best way possible. They are truly so lovely.” 

“Ha, I got it!” Phoebe proclaims triumphantly, raising her little fist in the air before turning her full attention towards the screen. “Is that your mum?”

“Yeah, that is me mum, Anne.”

And just like that Anne starts, or attempts, to talk with the whole family while Harry listens in and gazes at Louis with a lidded look of satisfaction. Their families haven’t met each other, but as the conversation keeps flowing, Harry isn’t too worried that when they will meet things will be alright. 

-

Louis turns on the bedside lamp, wearing his large purple jumper, which falls till the middle of his thighs, hiding his most insecure parts. Louis’s eyes dart across the room; he’s biting his lips and pulling at the bottom of the sweater.

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. You know how much I love you in your oversized sweaters.”

Louis finally looks at Harry, giving him a small smile and slowly relaxing his body. “I know, but I want to do this.”

Harry waits patiently, admiring his view, until Louis is ready to expose himself in a way he has never done before. 

In the beginning Louis hated physical contact because he felt thoroughly uncomfortable with himself. Harry accepted Louis’ limits, which became less and less each day. Especially after his top surgery, their intimacy grew exponentially. He started to accept and even like his body more and more each day. Harry loves Louis’ feminine features but nothing is as attractive as seeing Louis becoming more comfortable in his own skin. 

Louis slowly takes off his sweater, revealing his thick thighs, his slim waistline, and his partly healed chest until he is completely naked. 

A gasp leaves Harry’s mouth as he stares at his beautiful boy who’s letting himself be completely vulnerable. Momentarily his brain freezes up as the arousal takes control. 

It only takes a few seconds before he notices how Louis is staring at the ground, shifting from foot to foot. He blinks himself out his daze enough to shake his head and quickly moves over to Louis. Harry places two gentle fingers beneath Louis’ chin to coax him forward and let their eyes meet. “Louis, you’ve never looked more beautiful.”

They lean forward and the look of longing in Louis’ blue eyes send cool chills down Harry’s spine before their lips even meet.

Harry carefully traces his soft skin, letting his fingers touch the small scars that are still visible from the surgery. His hands follow the path his eyes take, caressing his chest, his arms and his waist. 

Looking up at the blue-eyed boy once more, he smiles at him briefly before he lays his warm hands on Louis’ waist. There is a small twitch at the muscle in his jaw, but otherwise Louis is fully relaxed, completely surrendering himself to this moment, to Harry.

Harry gives his whole torso and neck gentle kisses and licks. He sucks on the skin and takes his time to worship his body the way he deserves. Between each kiss he whispers words of love and adoration. His hands tenderly roam every part of Louis’ bare smooth skin and he momentarily watches Louis.

Louis' head is tipped back, his mouth slightly agape and there is a hazy smile on his face. 

Gently directing him towards the bed, Harry gives him a wet kiss on his stomach, right above his hipbone. 

Lying down on the bed with his eyes closed, Louis places his hands behind his head instead of covering himself up. 

Releasing an appreciative sigh, Harry moans, “God, you are so beautiful.”

“You are the most beautiful,” Louis answers without hesitation before he holds his head up to give Harry a lingering kiss on his lips.

Carefully, Harry lies down on top of Louis, places his hands on the matrass as they start to kiss again. Slow, deliberate kisses turn deeper and wetter within minutes.

As their bodies align and move to create friction, running their hands all over each other’s body, their breathy kisses become sloppier. 

Harry fingers gently trail down over Louis’ body until they are nearly touching his most private part, the part Louis feels most self-conscious about. “Is this okay?”

Automatically his body tenses up and his breathing stocks, yet he whispers softly, but firmly, “Yeah. I’m alright. This is more than alright.”

Louis quickly relaxes again and he breathes out a slow, shaky breath as Harry presses a finger inside of him while giving him a tender kiss.

“Harry,” he whispers, a moan escaping his lips while he grips Harry’s arms. And if there ever was a small doubt in Harry’s mind, Louis has taking his worries away by his sweet moan.

After he properly opened him up, he lines up in front of Louis and thrusts once, cautiously. The feeling of being inside of Louis makes him shiver in pure pleasure. 

Louis arches his back and clenches his sweaty hands on the bed sheets, moving along with Harry’s slow, gentle movements. “I love you,” Louis whispers, voice strained with desire. In the heat of the moment, Louis felt comfortable enough to say such intimate words to Harry. His fervent declaration of love adds to the euphoria coursing through Harry’s veins while he continues to thrust inside of Louis.

Louis’ eyes are closed and he is breathing against Harry’s skin as two warm, sweaty bodies become one.

Harry feels his body movements become erratic as his breathing intensifies while feeling Louis’ strong and heated thighs closing around him. He erupts in a wild, shuddering mess and collapses with a throaty moan on top of Louis.

Quickly shifting his body, so that his full body weight isn’t on top of Louis anymore, he uses his fingers to pleasure him. 

Louis' whole body clenches, becomes completely rigid and with a very intense tremble he comes with a low whimper.

\- 

As they snuggle up in bed, coming down from their high, they hear the distant jingling of bells and cheerful greetings from people on the street. Waiting for their quickened heartbeats to slow down, Louis looks up at Harry. “In a few years I might be ready for my metoidioplasty or phalloplasty.”

Harry nods softly, still partially out of breath from their amazing experience. “So your body will finally reflect how you feel from the inside.”

A broad smile spreads across his flushed face while he answers with a simple, “yeah.” Louis breathes out a deep, gratifying sigh, all the while smiling, and he lifts his head up to plant a kiss at the corner of Harry’s mouth. 

“And maybe you could fuck me,” Harry adds with a cheeky grin, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I would love that, but,” he halts as the slightest of frowns momentarily crosses his peaceful expression. “I don’t know if it will work, for starters it would be small-,”

Eyes locked on Louis, affectionately touching him on his bare arm, caressing it, ever so slightly, he says, “You are pretty small as well and I absolutely love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the epilogue :) I really wanted to write an intimate scene, because I felt like it was important to the story. However, I find it rather difficult to write those well! 
> 
> A question: if you could rename the title; what would you name it? Or do you like Holiday Secrets? 
> 
> Thank you for all your support and I hope you guys enjoyed the story :)  
> At first I didn't want to finish the story before I properly edited the whole story (I mean like rewriting certain sentences or parts... not something huge, just a few changes), but because it's been SO LONG, I really wanted to post the last chapters for you guys!


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